Okay, here is the latest with Peter.  We went to a specialist today.  The doctor looked at all of our paperwork from all of our previous visits to ER’s and doctors offices.  He did an exam.  He determined the pain was coming from the colon…he thinks.  There is some kind of issue that he wants to check for by doing a scope in two weeks.  Kids with allergies and asthma tend to be at a higher risk for this particular condition.  I would tell you what it is but I could not pronounce it if I had to.  Whatever it is, it is treatable. 

In the meantime, he sent us to get an x-ray to make sure there was no blockage in the colon. Those results will not be back until Monday.  Peter is relieved and so am I that someone finally seems to have a plan.  He is still guessing but is a “smarter guesser” according Peter.  He added a different medicine that should give some relief in the meantime.  We are headed in the right direction I believe, finally.  Thanks for all of your prayers, please continue.  I will update you when I know more.

In the inky blackness, looms a giant checkerboard of lights.  It towers above the ants below as a monument to men who wish to scrape the sky.  Lesser buildings surround it, their lights reflecting off the window glass in a kaleidoscope of shiny splendor.  The uneven heights reach to the heavens, silhouetted by the lights from street lamps below.   The roof of each building has its own landscape.  Some are grand and highlighted with spotlights as if to say look at my elegance.  Others are simple with flashing red beacons to ward off winged aircraft in the night.

            In the distance, twinkling lights all shades of white sparkle like diamonds set against black velvet.  Cars winding along highways move quickly at first then slow to a molasses pace as the day begins.  The horizontal snake draws the eye among the vertical jungle of buildings. As far as the eye can see, all the way to the horizon, there are lights. The black sky is clear; there are no stars that I can see.  The building beacons are the manmade stars that hide the real ones from view.  Life is like that for us.  Humans with places to go and be, we run and rush, in and out of each day.  The natural stars are hidden, yet there is beauty in the glimmering, shimmering lights of the city. 

I wonder what all those people are doing.  There is great perspective from up here among the clouds.  Each of our small problems seems so big when we do not rise above them.  They take up our entire field of vision, not allowing us to see beyond them to the bigger picture.  Looming 53 stories in the air, I think about how each tiny window contains a person just like me, people that have families, friends, and co-workers. There may be others visiting city for workshops or meetings as I am, sitting in hotel rooms next to mine.  Others probably live here.  Each tiny car has an individual in it with a story.  Some are having a good day; others ride along with the weight of the world on their shoulders.  From this viewpoint, it is impossible to tell one from another with the blur of the lights. 

It is enough to make me wonder in awe at how God does it.  How does he know each name, each hair on our heads?   I do not know about you, but I am glad he is big enough to breathe the stars into existence and to care about my individual needs at the same time. He knows the story of every person in every window.  His capacity for love is so deep that he cares intimately for each individual.  He is not silenced by the man made glitter that tries to hide him, in fact he can easily top it.  I see the heavens now, turning deep red in the distance.  The black of night is fading into gray, then pale blue.  Flamingo pink sky hovers over the bump on the horizon that I know to be the mountain of stone.  Purple blended with the pink creates a blend of color that glows as the sun rises above the horizon.  It is a spectacular dawning of a new day…and a new perspective.

This is getting old really fast. As you know last Sunday night Peter went to the ER and they found nothing wrong.  On Monday, our family doc took more blood and still it showed nothing wrong.  She referred us to a pediatric gastro specialist and we scheduled the soonest appointment they had...in May.  Our doc said if he had pain again to take him to Scottish Rite ER because that would get the gastro doc he needed faster.

            At 9:00 pm last night, one week from his last ER trip, Peter began having pain again.  This time it was not in his back but had radiated around to his right side.  He took his pain meds and tried to go to sleep.  About 12:30 am he was back up doubled over in the most pain I think he has had yet.  We did what our doctor had suggested and took him down to Scottish Rite.  I was prepared for an appendectomy because it just seemed the pain was now presenting like an appendix.  Again, more tests, just like the ones he had last week. Again, nothing abnormal.  She ruled out appendix because his inflammation rate was normal and so was his white count.

 They gave him a bag of fluid…no change.  They gave him pain meds…no change…not even sleep.  They did an ultra sound…nothing.  Blood work and urine all came back normal.  They called the gastro doc and he prescribed a stomach med.  They put it through his IV and his pain went down considerably.  So, they wrote us a prescription to give him at home and sent us on our way at 9:00 this morning.  We also got our doctors appointment moved up to next week…the soonest they have.  This is frustrating to say the least.  I know something is wrong but no one can find it.  I am encouraged that at least we have found something that seems to point us in one direction or another.  Not to mention we have a specialist now that may be able to help us narrow things down.  I was so convinced when we left here this morning that he would be having surgery…I still think it is most likely his appendix.  We had several trips to the ER before Bill finally had his appendectomy, years ago.  For now, we will go through the protocols but we request your prayers.  Peter is tired of being a pincushion…I can relate to that feeling. For today, sleep is the top priority.  This was a long, long night.  I haven’t been this tired since I was a teenager at a lock in.

I wanted to update you on Peter.  Many of you know that he has been suffering this winter with a sinus infection that would not go away.  The good news is that it is finally gone!!! It only took 4 rounds of antibiotics.  However, for the past three weeks he has been having a pain in his abdomen.  It is on the right side on his back right over his kidney.  It has been progressively been getting worse until Sunday night when we ended up in the ER.  They have run a multitude of tests, from blood work, urine, CT scans and ultrasounds.  So far every thing has come up normal, yet he is still in pain.  We go for another dr appointment on Thursday afternoon to see the results of the latest round of blood work.  They have ruled out kidney infection, kidney stones, gall stones and several other things.  All the blood work is normal so there does not appear to be an infection…no fever either.  They do not think it is his appendix, because his white count is not elevated.  Now they have put him on Zantac to make sure it is not his stomach flaring from so many antibiotics.  So far, that has not helped his pain at all.  We are kind of shooting in the dark, trying to eliminate one thing at a time. They are thinking it is viral at this point and want to do another mono test even though the first one came back negative.  If you don’t mind praying when the Lord puts him on your heart we would appreciate it.  Tonight he seems slightly better so I am hoping that the source, whatever it is, is resolving itself.

I guess you have noticed I haven’t written a lot lately.  It is because I am reading.  My topic? The Holocaust.  Tough stuff.  Two of my kids have been assigned books written from inside concentration camps.  It is of interest to me because I a writing a children’s book about it right now.  I know I know….not quite a children’s topic.  To me, putting a hard topic, rich with deep meaning, into a story simple enough for children is part of the challenge.  I am wrestling over this partially written manuscript…thinking I may be onto my first middle school novel rather than a picture book.  How to simplify it enough is the problem, how to write gently while still covering the facts…it is my current mental activity.  I wrote my first scene before the assigned books of my children showed up at my house.  I thought maybe reading them would give me some more insight.  I was right.  However, not much of what I am reading is suitable for children.  I am not one to shy away from a tough topic so I will keep hammering it out. 

I feel compelled to write this story even though it has little market value and most likely would not be something a publisher would jump to publish.  Yet I feel as though it needs to be written, so I will write it.  Where it goes from there is not my issue. 

There is a quote from the book Night by Elie Wiesel that is sinking into my brain. (That is the book that William is reading for school)  The quote says “Books no longer have the power they once did.  Those who kept silent yesterday will remain silent tomorrow.” Those two lines are powerful when considering the topic of which he is writing.  Of course, “those that kept silent” are the ones that did not speak against the atrocities, but in my world I am the one that keeps silent.  Not in the same way the author refers too, but even today in my own life I feel the command of those words.  Subjects for my writing are not nearly as poignant but still there are words to be written.  The question is will I remain silent?  Will I hold my words in or share them? My testimony may not capture the world’s interest but it is important none the less. The stories I write are for entertainment and to inspire deep thought at the same time.  The balance of the two is tricky and I am just learning.  I committed in January to step into my writing.  Now I am trying to carry that out.

They say that we are the sum total of our experiences; that each and everything we go through shapes who we become.  I don’t know that I believe that completely, but it is true that life gives us many opportunities to shape our thoughts and convictions. 

Peter has been fighting a stubborn sinus infection for over a month.  He has had 3 rounds of antibiotics, blood work, a flu test, two strep tests, a mono test and now a CT scan.  We are trying to get to the bottom of why he is not getting better.  The other day, after another round of tests, he asked me a question.  “Mom, can you get cancer in your sinuses?”  That question opened the window to his fears and broke my heart.  It also showed me that even though we as a family survived the battle with cancer, our minds were forever affected.  It is like innocence was robbed from my children, as is evidenced by Peter’s simple question. 

I know, I know…they can’t stay pain free forever.  Something at some point in life will break the bubble of childhood and they will come to the reality that life can be hard and full of heartbreak.  They will learn that life isn’t always fair and that you cannot always predict the outcome.  I think the thing to remember is that life experiences DO shape them…and us.  We cannot undo the fact that I had cancer and that Peter’s mind remembers that fact when there is unexplained illness.  We can however, remember that I survived cancer and that God is faithful.  I think it is how you allow the experience to shape you that is the important thing.  We cannot control what happens to us in life, but we can choose how we will respond to what happens. 

In our case, we could let fear take over every time we get a cold.  Or we could remember that the cancer is gone and that every day is precious.  I will not lie and tell you that I do not think about cancer.  Every time I have a test, it crosses my mind as I wait for the results.  Yet I cannot allow fear to dominate, or I will live a life imprisoned. I cannot let the losses consume me.  I must look back and see the closeness of my family, the intimacy with my God, the care of my husband, and the inspiration in my words…all that came as a direct result of the dreaded C word.  The main blessing I received was a new appreciation for life and realization that every breath is a gift.  We do not know that…I mean really know it until a tragedy strikes.  I am blessed to have a chance to live out this revelation.  Not every one is so blessed. 

Do my experiences shape me?  Yep.  Do they shape my children?  Yep.  We can see this from a simple question escapes their lips to reveal their hearts.  Is it a bad thing for us to change based on our life experiences?  It is only bad if we close our hearts to the process.  After all we are being formed in his image.  The word formed implies that it is an ongoing work. In the midst of a hardship we have to look for his hand.  We have to focus on the good, while still acknowledging the bad. Otherwise, we are pretenders.  It is not our experiences alone that determine who we become.  We must remember he is the potter; we are the clay…so he uses these life experiences to shape us…if we let him.

I have a new T-shirt that was given to me by a dear friend.  For those of you that frequent Curves, you will recognize the words on the front. It is their February shirt and it says, “Don’t underestimate the power of this woman.”  When I first saw it go up on the monthly t-shirt display I knew I had to own one.  It is the first of their shirts that I just had to have.  Maybe it is surviving cancer, or all the other stuff we have been through over the years, but something about it validates my experiences.  I may look like an over weight, middle-aged woman…but there is power here.  I don’t credit myself for it either.  I know to whom I owe my life and where the power comes from. 

The irony of this shirt is that most of us underestimate the power that is within us.  The shirt shouts to the world the very thing that most women struggle to believe.  We were created with a unique feminine quality that offers strength to those around us.  God put it there, yet we don’t feel powerful…we feel…tired.  It doesn’t matter the age, or circumstances there are a host of everyday events that steal our joy and inner strength.  God designed us to carry his glory and power to the world.  We have something to offer and yes, we should boldly say “don’t underestimate me.”  I would make one slight change to the wording of the shirt…from “of” this woman to “in” this woman, because there is nothing I can do on my own.  It is the power of God IN me that has given me strength to endure hardship and trials.  It is HIS power that you better not underestimate.  In these trying times, we can proclaim with complete confidence that “God power” disguised as “girl power” will see us through. Never, ever underestimate what God can do with you.

“But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.  What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ- the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.”

Phillipians 3:7

We are studying in Phillipians at church.  Today we were in chapter three when something struck me.  You know how you have read a passage of scripture 1000 times and on 1001 it is like brand new?  That is kind of what happened to me today. 

In the first part of the chapter, Paul tells us all of the reasons he has to put confidence in his flesh…his knowledge, his birth, his zeal,  There is quite a long list of things that made him exceptional in the eyes of both the Romans and the Jews.  My epiphany came with the word loss. Before I have always read this as “I am nothing.  Jesus is everything” and actually, that is pretty much what he is saying. However, I have a new understanding of the word loss now so I am looking through new eyes.

After our fire, we had to inventory our total losses.  That meant that we had to catalog every item that was ruined.  Not only catalog it, but we had to know where we got it, how much we paid for it, serial numbers, model numbers, how old the item was and how much it would cost to replace it.  It was tedious work calculating all that we lost in July without air conditioning or power.  The definition of loss meant that an item was so damaged it was unusable.  The smell was toxic, or it was growing mold and mildew, or it was warped or burned or melted.  It may have been saturated with putrid water, or have a mountain of wet sheet rock on top of it.  It was gross and you could not have paid me to take those items back.  Loss.  There was nothing good about these items.  Even the ones we thought maybe we could save were beyond cleaning because of the depth of the poisonous gas. 

So how does this relate?  Our lives are a loss, just like our furniture.  All the good, all the decorating we do in our lives to make things look nice is only a prop to hide the fact that we are a loss. Sin saturates and ruins even good lives.  I believe that deep down, maybe even in our subconscious, we know this is true.  When God opens the eyes of our hearts to see reality, we know it…if we are honest with ourselves. 

Navigating the human experience is something we all have in common.  Life can be hard.  It doesn’t go exactly like we planned, and we seem to always carry the burden of what could have been. What should have been if we were just more…  It doesn’t really matter how much you have or don’t have, or what your life experiences are, there is something in our hearts that KNOWS that there is more to life than what we have. As we move through, we catalog our losses.  We know what we had and how much it was worth, though sometimes not until it is gone do we fully understand an item’s value.

 Life is like trying to run in waist deep water. Heaviness surrounds us.  It pushes us on all sides, and mainly we are happy just to remain upright, because we have all seen those that have not.  But if there was a way to not only remain upright but to run unencumbered would you take it?  Would you leave your burdens behind?  This passage tells us how.  Count it loss.  Realize that nothing you can do will remove the pressure. You have to give up your life.

I am talking about the Grace of God, because even though our lives are loss, he sees more. He loves our loss and wants to redeem it. The more we know we can be is planted within us by him.  Our desires to be fulfilled come directly from his throne.  Only we cannot do it without HIM.  If you can catch a small glimpse of this you will begin to breathe easier.  Could it really be that simple, that opening our hearts honestly to God could save our lives?  Could we feel the burden lift off our shoulders?  The last part of the scripture answers these questions.  “I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death and so to attain to the resurrection from the dead.”  When our lives are loss, why do we try to hold on to them so tightly?  If we surrender them, resurrection comes.  I think that is why whenever grace is preached completely there is a response. People are moved.  We know we cannot do life on our own. When the word of God’s grace goes forth you can almost feel a sigh of relief as the burdens are carried to the cross.  It is then that we attain the resurrection from the dead life we are living.  It is then that our lives have meaning.  More is simple grace, simple belief and trust that what he says is true.  Amazing grace how sweet the sound…

Another Valentine’s Day has come and gone.  As much as I hate the commercialization of it, I still love the thought that there is a day set aside to honor love.  I am not into the sappy stuff, for me simple is best.  Bill and I go out and have a nice dinner together.  That’s what I mean by simple.  It is not about gifts but about time and thought.  Connection really.  Busy lives…now with a puppy added in…need a break to remember the romance.  After all it is why we have our lives as we know them today.  We wanted to share the overflow of our love and so we had four kids…and now one dog and a puppy.  It just seems right to want to spread love. 

The history of the day goes way back to when, as legend has it, Rome declared soldiers could not marry.  It was thought that they would give more of themselves on the battlefield if they didn’t have a wife waiting at home for their return.  A priest named Valentine began to secretly marry couples defying the order of the Emperor.  He was caught and jailed.  In jail he wrote letters to a woman that had befriended him.  The letters were signed Your Valentine.  He was executed on Feb. 14^th, thus solidifying his place in history.  Now all of this is questionable if you read enough and there are several versions of the story causing me to think it is probably a legend rather than a fact.  However, I still like the spirit of the story…that love cannot be stopped by war or prison. 

I also know a true version that says love cannot be stopped even by death and that I am worth any cost.  It is this story that has captured my heart.  I live the divine romance each day with my Lord.  He woos me.  His desire is that my heart belongs to him alone. He has proven that his heart is for me by his sacrifice.  It is a dance really, he in the lead and I follow.  Sweet communion.  No human relationship can compare to this heavenly one. 

Valentine’s Day keeps coming around each year, and at its heart is love…a love that cannot be quenched; a love that cannot be stopped, despite all things against it.  It is a picture of the true love that leads to death and then resurrection. A love to be shared...

As soon as I stepped foot in church today there was an electrical charge.  I recognized it as the signal that the Holy Spirit is on the move. “Stop. Listen. Pay attention.” He whispered. “I am here.  I am moving, watch and see.”   The first words out of the mouths of the men’s chorus caused goose bumps up and down my arms.  My heart beat faster and warmth spread over my face.  I have learned to pay attention when this happens.  Basking in the Glory of God is one of my favorite past times.  There was power this morning.  A male choir, fresh from a men’s conference was worshiping with all their hearts.  Caught up in the moment, I lifted my voice to join theirs. When God’s presence is tangible I allow him to envelop and carry me.  I wait and listen for his message to my heart. 

The worship was glorious, but God’s message for me was not in the worship. The topic of today’s sermon was humility, based on Philippians 2, one of my favorite passages.  But today God’s message for me was not in the sermon.  No today, God moved in my heart during baptism.  Tears were in my eyes as I watched a former student rise to newness of life.  The water rushing over her to show a recent commitment to the Lord was like a balm to my soul. 

You see, this student is not a church goer.  She has had a rough road, an unbelievable road.  While I taught her a couple of years ago my heart ached.  I could see her need for the Lord each day.  But I teach in a public school, so sharing my faith was not an option. As with all of my students I try to reach out and show the love of the Lord in my actions, but there are situations where that doesn’t seem to be enough.  This was one of those.  I had to pray to ask God to give me his love for this child.  Her attitude was not easy, her wounds festered anger just beneath the surface which regularly bubbled up in contempt towards others…especially teachers.  Yet God placed her in my classroom.  So I prayed to see her with his eyes.  Over time God was able to soften my heart towards her, and in the process he softened her heart towards me.  I tried to teach her how to get along with others, as well as how to read and write.  We forged a relationship that was strained at times, and productive at others.  In the end, I was saddened when it was time to send her on.  I was attached by the bond of prayer. 

Soon I saw her at our church.  I was in disbelief when I began to see her every week. She always had a hug for me and I had a smile for her.  I found out that a woman in our church had taken the girl under her wing.  This was not an easy task.  People at church did not welcome her.  While I was ecstatic that God had brought her here others were not so much.  But the woman did not give up on the girl or the church.  She continued to show her the love of Christ, until one day, the little girl recognized her need for a savior.  She told the pastor, “I am lost.  I need Jesus.”  When he asked for her family to stand before she was baptized there was no one there for her.  There were a few of us that happily stood to our feet to welcome our sister in Christ.  Teachers, mentors and others that had met her on occasion and it was an honor. 

The message for me today?  God spoke to my heart and affirmed what I do.  It is my ministry to be in the public schools for girls like this one.  He showed me clearly how he works even when my tongue is tied by laws.  He is soooo much bigger than the government. He gave me his eyes to see how he is using my life in the midst of the world around me.  Even as I plant seeds of prayer for my students, he will reap them in his time and in his way.  I cannot stop him…neither can the schools…or the church. The fields are ripe for the harvest.  The message is that he is moving with life changing, Holy Spirit power...watch and see what he will do.