This morning is a glorious one.  The sun is shining but the humidity is low for a change. I wish my mood matched the warmth of the day.  My heart is heavy this week.  Our church has taken a huge hit and it has thrown me for a loop…all of us for a loop.  In the midst of a family crisis, I am seeking God’s heart.  I believe he is grieved for his children. 

I wonder sometimes if he ever regrets giving us a free choice.  I mean, he knew what we would do with that kind of freedom. Today I contemplate his dilemma. He could have controlled us as robots telling us what and how to do things, but robots do not love.  He desires our love, but forcing us to love him would have been empty…devoid of relationship.  Therefore, he gave us a choice.  With that choice to love, came also the choice not to.  As a father and creator that had to be one of the hardest things to do, give us the freedom to fall and to fail.  This week is especially tough because we see the result of bad choices, and the heartache they cause on so many levels.  The fall is horrifying and the fallout immeasurable. We are grasping for answers and comfort.  Our minds are full of fear and doubt as the carpet of our faith has been pulled out from under us.

We are wondering where is his love in all of this, I mean he allowed it didn’t he?  My opinion is that free choice allowed this, and his love had nothing to do with it.  That is why I wonder if he regrets giving life-altering decisions into the hands of humans. Our potential to ruin lives is great.  He gave us his word as a guide on how to make life-giving choices, however he does not require us to read it or follow it.  Even that is our choice.  What does he do when we mess up (and we ALL mess up)? He turns our bad choices into his miracles. I have no idea how he does it, but that is why he is God. 

He can turn even this, because now in the midst of a very difficult situation, there are still choices to be made. Grace or condemnation?  Gossip or prayer?  Compassion or hardness of heart?  It is now that free choice is tested.  It is now that we must go to the book and see what it says.  We must listen to God’s voice and choose to be a part of the turning.  Ask yourself:  Is what I am doing, saying or thinking bring life into the situation or death?  Does it build up and encourage or does it tear down?   What is God’s heart on this?  Is my heart in line with his?  Do I have things in my life that were not wise choices that need to be confessed? 

I believe God knew that free choice would ultimately cultivate a relationship with him, and that our freedom to choose him would create a fulfilling bond of love.  I am also sure his heart is grieved when we do not choose this bond.  I do not want to be one that grieves his heart, so I am committed to make choices that bring life.  Will you?

It is a historic day.  Not because of Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett dying, but because 16 years ago I gave birth to a bundle of energy.  How can it be that William is already 16?  I remember the little toe-headed boy with the mischievous twinkle in his eyes.  It has always been my theory that God gave that twinkle to active little boys to preserve their lives.  When parents get infuriated with all the activity, one small smile and that twinkle is all it would take to be forgiven. William was active even in the womb, drumming I guess. He has never looked back.  By two, he was a passionate kid that loved anything musical and any kind of moving thing.  He had a special “motor noise” that he made with his mouth that sounded like a motorcycle.  Every thing that moved he pushed and made that noise, lawn mowers, scooters, big wheels, tricycles…you name it. 

He was also a climber, known to stand on the kitchen cabinets…especially when no adult was around to watch him.  It makes me kind of sad to think about not having those William moments of his childhood.  Yet, he still has the twinkle, and now a tender heart and a sense of humor to go with it.  The passion still burns bright and is expressed through his music, among other things.  He is growing into a fine young man. 

He will be hitting the road soon, the first stretch of his wings before taking flight.  I learned that with my first two kids.  It is at 16 they begin their break away, not 18 as I once thought.  I am a bit nostalgic I must admit.  They grow up so fast, yet once again it is time; time to begin the separation, time to cheer on another son.  I will watch the twinkle in his eyes as he drives away, and there will be a tear in mine.  Time does fly!

In the midst of my hectic, yet relaxing, summer God is doing a work.  It is too deep for words at this point.  He is so faithful to work at the core of our souls if we let him.  He puts his finger on something specific and goes to work.  I don’t know if you have ever experienced how he uses current circumstances to highlight dark areas of your heart, but I have and it is sometimes, shall we say uncomfortable.  I am grateful however, that he shines the light of his love in this darkness in order to heal and restore the broken places.

 I don’t know if Christians think of God healing their hearts.  In general, for me anyway, I think my heart was healed when I got saved, and it was.  But that was just the beginning. Thank God that he doesn’t show us all the areas of our hearts that we withhold from his touch at one time.  He is so thrilled to have us restored to himself, that he begins his work slowly.  I have been a Christian as long as I can remember and he has been working in my life all of those years, yet here I am again faced with some life hindering blockages in my spirit.  If I want to be more like Christ, I must walk through instead of ignoring this latest hindrance. 

I think the key is realizing that God is for me and that he is gentle.  I picture a heart surgeon working deftly with precision.  He goes in for the blockage to restore life to the part of the heart that is damaged.  A heart doctor restores the blood flow, and with God it is Christ’s redeeming blood that heals the hearts of his people.  It causes my heart to beat in rhythm with his.  When the flow of life is revived and is adequate, I function more fully in my relationships with others…including God himself.  It is the submitting to the surgery that is the hard part.  It feels risky.  It feels dangerous.  Yet if I don’t my heart shrivels up and dies slowly.  I desire freedom from blockages, but I resist the pain to get there.  So I live in hopes that a partial flow is better than nothing…a heart attack waiting to happen. 

God offers us more.  He desires us to be fully alive, mind, body, and spirit.  He often times uses his word to show us our reflection.  It is a mirror.  (This is why in the tabernacle there was a basin made out of mirrors.  The priests were required to wash there daily, which represents how we wash ourselves in the word daily to show us our reflection...ahh but that is another lesson for another day.)  When I read about God’s perfect love, it exposes my imperfect love.  When I read about his complete forgiveness, it shows me how I do not forgive; it is these exposed areas he deals with on the operating table.  He applies his grace and shows me how to become more like him by unblocking the love I withhold, or by teaching me forgiveness to one who has wronged me.  He uses his word to show me my need.  Then I have to be willing to let him cut me open using his sword of truth.  Yikes!  Do I trust him enough to let him?  It all comes down to my belief or unbelief that he is good.  I love to quote the line from C.S Lewis’s Narnia.  The children ask Mrs. Beaver if Aslan is safe.  She says, “Heavens no, he’s not safe.  But he is good.” 

I know that in the midst of the surgery God is doing on my heart that he is good.  He is for me, and he longs for me to be free of all hindrances in my life.  That is enough for me to give my consent, because no surgeon will operate without consent.

Hannah is home and I am loving having another female around!  She had a wonderful time in Israel and learned much.  We will be having a picture viewing/birthday party for William on Friday night June 26^th  at 7:00 so mark your calendar.  She will be sharing at our house and we will have finger foods and a birthday cake for William.  His birthday is Thursday...16 years old.  This is kind of like our old movie nights, but with pictures instead of movies. She wanted me tell you that if you don’t want to see all the pictures she will not be offended if people mill around upstairs or come and go during the slides.  It is very casual, not a formal presentation.  That way it is more conversational, and every one can ask questions as she goes.  Besides the pictures, there will be food and fellowship going on all evening, so drop by for a visit or come and stay for awhile. Come see the "new" basement, we have a pool table now and all new furniture since the fire. We will be happy to have you.

    All is well.  My girl is back on American soil, no thanks to the storms in Atlanta Friday night.  After, an extended flight that took her to Columbia, SC for the night, Hannah arrived Saturday morning in Atlanta.  She was glad her long travel days were over, but not as glad as I was to see her smiling face.  She has only just begun to tell the tales of her journey.  We got about 1/3 of the way through her pictures last night before she started to fall asleep while talking.  I am awaiting the rest once she has had some time to recover from her jet lag.  Her plan was to go to church this morning, but when I called her she was still asleep…her alarm didn’t go off, either that or she cut it off in her sleep.  Today she is determined to go about a “regular” schedule in order to get reacquainted with US time. 

            Last night we had a home cooked meal as requested right down to the mac and cheese.  Next was a shower and then we made cookies for our snack during the picture presentation.  We have pottery shards from the 1^st century and salt balls from the dead sea.  The boys are fighting over the t-shirts and I have a beautiful antique bucket.  When you buy an antique in Jerusalem it is a really old one!  It is perfect in my dining room because it is very old copper with some reddish worn places and some green on it as well.  I love it.  Bill is playing Palestinian folk songs throughout the house.  It feels as if we have been transported to the middle east.  Hannah had a fabulous time and I am excited to hear more as she processes all that she learned.  Thank all of you for your prayers while she was away.  We will be having some type of picture showing event in the future.  I will let you know the details.

Okay…so I lied.  I thought the second one going off to school would be easier.  I am sure that I wrote that on one blog or another.  Now I sit in Nashville, Tennessee realizing that it is further than Rome…much further.  Belmont is bigger than Berry…much bigger.  The past two days at orientation my throat has closed with tears more than once as I find my emotions rising to the surface.  I know that my son is ready for this.  Right?  I know he can rise to the occasion and excel in college.  Right?  My head says all is as it should be.  He is going off to school at the right time, to the right place.  My heart on the other hand says I am not ready for him to go so far.  I guess every mother’s heart feels pulled at this time of life.  Mine is no exception. My role is changing yet again.  I am a consultant now. 

I wonder what it must’ve been like for God to put Adam in the garden.  They fellowshipped and had an intimate relationship communing together in the cool of the evening.  I can imagine that.  When I was sick Aaron would come sit on my bed and share his day “in the cool of the evening.”  It was part of what kept me going during a very rough time in my life.  A simple pleasure.  Now I am watching him grow into a man.  He is pulling away, as it should be, but still a bittersweet time for me. 

I don’t need to wonder how God felt as Adam pulled away.  I know.  Of course, it is different in that Adam made a choice.  That choice of his gave all of us our independence from God, and some of us have found that independence isn’t always such a good thing.  Yet God uses every choice to his advantage as well as ours. He draws us. Only God can use our free will decisions to glorify himself.  I know how I feel as Aaron takes flight.  It is a heart wrenching thought to not know what is going on in his life, not because I want to control it, but because I want to be a part of it. It gives me insight as to how God must feel when I pull away from him.  He so wants to be a part of my life, just to know me and be with me.  Yet I go my own way, do my own thing.  It is part of the human experience.  I am distracted by all that is around me in “the garden” of my life.  In the cool of the evening I am so tired I cannot hear much less commune with God. Today, I have a renewed sense of God’s desire for me, as I watch my children leave the nest one by one. I will choose to cling to him, knowing that once again, he knows exactly how I feel.

My son will now also be making choices that will affect the rest of his life, some good, some bad.  Choices that will in one way or another bring glory to God. This is what I have raised him for.  I will trust God with his future and cry many tears as I release my grip and open my hand.  I will watch from the sidelines, cheering him on all the way.

I love the rain.  Just sitting listening to it fall is soothing to my soul.  Tonight there is no thunder or lightning…just steady rain.  It kind of reminds me of camp when I was a kid.  I could listen to this sound all night.  Listen to drops of rain rolling down leaves and onto the ground.  The noise it makes in the woods is a constant shushing.  A gentle breeze blows that is a bit cooler than the earlier hot day.  Summer is here. 

Somehow the rain makes me want to sit and listen.  I want to hear what the Lord is saying this day.  The rain speaks for him.  It says wash off the grime and dirt of life.  Rest and let God cleanse your heart.  Be refreshed and revived.  It is a simple message really, but one I need to hear regularly.  Today the message is to sit and wait on him.  He sends his love through the steady pounding of the rain.

I sit in the silence.  All are sleeping but me.  I love the quiet mornings of summer.  After sleeping 3 ½ hours later than I normally do it is still only 8:30am.  The sun is up and the air is fresh and crisp.  Because of the recent rains, the vegetation is deep green.  The birds are calling to one another.  Soon the busyness of life will begin for the day.  Not that I mind, if I have learned nothing else over the years it is to enjoy every season.  These teenage years are the season of quiet mornings.  I remember the toddler season of quiet nights and the baby season of quiet naps.  Each season has its own joys and pains.

 I have graduated another child and that is both joy and pain combined. The second child is not as hard as the first.  It is no longer an unknown as it was last year.  I realize I do not have to say goodbye forever and that he will be back.  My heart knows that he will change, but that is the right thing for this season.  I have shed fewer tears, but tears just the same.  Again, I am trying to let go and embrace this next stage of life as I have the others before it.  I also realize my nest is not empty yet.  When the last one goes, my guess is there will be more tears because my mothering days…so much a part of who I am will be gone.  At least now, I know that I will always be mom, even when they are gone.  Maybe not as hands on as I am now but mom just the same.  I also know that God will have more for me. 

I think that God is so great to prepare our hearts for changes.  He allows us to draw close to him when we see that life will be difficult, then in that quiet place shows us what is next.  I am certain that for me, writing will be a part of that time.  He is preparing me even now to not shrink back from putting ideas on paper.  He has something there and it will take quiet time to find it.  Right now, quiet time is limited in my life, but one day there will be more.  I gladly accept both the quiet mornings and the quiet days yet to come.

Eighteen years ago, I gave birth to our first son. We did not find out before hand the gender of our baby, preferring instead to be surprised. We had a beautiful girl already so we hoped to have a boy, but would have been happy with either.  In my heart I was relieved when it was a boy because I knew that however many children it took, we would keep going until we got a boy to carry on the Gunnin name.  The labor was not so bad starting and stopping over a period of 24 hours.  The delivery, on the other hand was horrific…my hardest.  Aaron was 10lb. 5oz. and after my petite little 7lb. 5oz. Hannah, I felt as if I was delivering an adult.  The circumference of his head paved the way for his brothers.  It was traumatic to say the least.  However, he was beautiful and soon the pain of birth was a memory.  He has grown up to be a fine young man.  He is always challenging and questioning everything and has been that way from birth.  He is logical to the end and literal in thought.  As a small child that was what endeared him to many.  If Hannah had a forehead, then he must have a three head since he was only three.  He was always thinking even then and came up with some hilarious comments to prove it. His laugh always came easy, even after just a couple of days at home.  (I guess when you deliver an adult that it is to be expected.)  Compassion for others is something he possesses that is a gift.  Music is another.  Soon he will go off to college for more thinking, and probably some music too. I am teary eyed to think of it yet, it is time.  He is ready to enter the next phase of life as a young adult. I am ready to release him…kind of. I am trying may be a better way to put it.  Today we are proud of him and all he has become. Happy Birthday Aaron.  

I know you all think I have disappeared.  Unless you realize what time of year it is…end of school year.  I have simply been too busy to get anything of significance written. 

However, I wanted to update you on the fam.  Hannah is in Israel and loving it.  She is working very hard and finding that digging is very strenuous, but that it helps you sleep really well. She is not too thrilled with the food…mostly veggies she doesn’t like.  She found some pottery yesterday so she was excited about that.  They still have a day or two before they get deep enough to find more.  It is a lot of moving rocks, pulling weeds and briars.  Good experience.  She also did some conservation last week.  So she is getting to see different aspects of archeology and anthropology.  It is hot there over 100 degrees and no air in the hotel so that is not fun.  Over the weekend she traveled around the Sea of Galilee and saw some amazing sites…Peter’s house, Jordan river, mount of the beatitudes, the quiet place of Jesus, and a first century city that is almost intact.  So far she is really enjoying the trip and learning a ton. She will be looking for babysitting jobs when she gets back, to earn some money so keep her in mind.

Peter is doing better, though his stomach still hurts on and off.  It seems to not be a severe and he is feeling normal most of the time now.  It may have been a seasonal thing…not sure just glad it is better.

Aaron is graduating on Friday.  We are having a drop in party on Saturday for those who want to come by.  He is ready to be finished. College orientation in June so he is looking forward to getting to go to Belmont for that.  He will be 18 next Tuesday…am I that old already? 

William made the snare line again for next year in band.  He is excited to finally have a year at the high school with no siblings.  He is more than ready for school to be out for the summer. 

Bill is tuning pianos again if you know anyone that has that need let us know.  I am counting hours now until school is out.  Whew…I will sleep for a week after it is over then get into a summer routine…that WILL include writing regularly.  I have to get back to it or I will suffocate!  Love to you all.