America is at war. And our enemy is not who you might think.  I am not talking about Afghanistan, Iraq or terrorists.  This war is bigger than that.  We are fighting for the hearts and minds of our own children and our foe is ignorance.  On the front lines of this conflict are our teachers.  They are the first line of defense.  They are the ones in the foxholes as the shelling goes on all around.  As they look a mortal enemy in the eye, the teachers refuse to surrender despite the odds against them.  The ammunition has been rationed.  The protective gear all but removed.  Now it seems that even their commanding officers have turned on them, but even as they are being set up to fail, they fight on.  For them teaching is more than a job.  It is a calling to infuse the world with knowledge so in the future, wars caused by ignorance, will disappear.  It is a noble goal to impart wisdom to our children, even if it is unlikely that they will retain it. Teachers realize that the future is not our educational system, it is our children.

You see, teachers are being undermined.  Children do not take them seriously because parents do not.  Parents do not take them seriously because the media does not. The pendulum swings back and forth, and teachers catch the blame for decisions made by those that have not been inside a classroom. Like the front line troops in Iraq, who fight despite the debates that swirl around them in the public square, teachers must continue the battle as they smile and nod.

Currently, the budgets are being analyzed all over Georgia.  Money is tight and the high command is making some changes to our schools.  However, those in the military will tell you the best commanders are those that talk to the troops.  This is not to say they allow the soldiers to make strategic decisions; but rather that they have a finger on the pulse of those actually fighting the battle.  Ultimately, the General must make decisions based on a whole body of information that the men on the line know nothing about. Yet, the morale of the troops must be taken into consideration and a long term strategy must be used.  To make changes without thinking through them completely will not aid the cause of knowledge.  In fact, it will support the very enemy we are trying to defeat.

Our Governor is proposing some alterations to education in Georgia that do not make sense strategically.  There is a move to do away with school nurses in order to balance the budget.  Would you take medics away from our soldiers?  Not likely.  Nurses in the schools do not simply hand out band-aids and Tylenol any longer.  They work with asthmatic students, distribute ADHD medication, handle broken bones, deal with lice, and assist the growing number of diabetic students.  If a student needs to be catheterized, the nurses do it.  To ask teachers to do this type of medical procedure is not only irresponsible, it invites liability issues.  School nurses are vital to the mission of our schools.  Healthy students are more likely to learn than those who are not.

Another budget saving proposal on the table is to increase class sizes “for one year.”  Didn’t we just decrease class size because it was better for our students?  Now are we saying that we were wrong; that class size doesn’t really matter after all? What about the research that shows students learn more if sizes are smaller?  The first low class size mandate was passed off on the local systems to fund.  Now that the state is in trouble, their eyes have been opened to see how expensive it is to reduce class sizes. Maybe someone should have considered the cost BEFORE signing a mandate. Again we are battling ourselves with policies that change with the blowing of the wind.

The change that teachers are most concerned with is the removal of pay for Nationally Board Certified Teachers.  The teachers that have earned this certification worked tirelessly to finish the stringent program, even paying for it themselves.  It was an incentive by the state to increase the pay of teachers that completed the requirements.  It would make better teachers, which would make better schools.  Sounds good. The problem is that so many teachers went through the program it made the cost prohibitive. So the first bomb to drop after many teachers had already completed the program was the requirement that these teachers must work in a needs improvement school in order to get the pay incentive.  Meaning that they would be required to change schools each time a school improved.  Only those that were grandfathered in continued to receive the incentive.  Now the governor is taking away that pay, which is equivalent to taking away an advanced degree.  What is next…taking away specialists and masters degrees? 

At the same time this pay is being cut and the salary steps are being frozen for all teachers, principals are being offered an increased pay incentive based on how well their school performs.  The governor also is introducing a “master teacher” incentive that rewards teachers that go through his “master teacher” program.  Pardon me, but many teachers have already been through the national board certification.  Many more have earned masters’ and specialists’ degrees.  Do the legislators really believe that teachers are going to trust in a new incentive program that requires them to re-do graduate level work to get the same pay they had?  Is it wise, during a recession, to add more incentives that will have to be funded while cutting programs in other areas?

  The argument has been made that research shows Nationally Board Certified Teachers do not increase student achievement.  Would it be too much to ask for the governor to site that research study?  (Also, if we follow that logic we could make the argument that the legislators haven’t been able to balance the budget in years, so maybe their pay incentives should be cut. Ah, but that topic is another article for another day.)

The bottom line is that while all the cutting and arguing is going on at the capitol, the children are the ones loosing. The legislative tug of war pulls back and forth while the battlefield is littered with those that gave up on knowledge.  They drop out of the system that has failed them, never to return.  The teachers try to hold the ground that is slowly crumbling beneath their feet.  They are looking to the future with the hope that one day it will be safe to climb out of their foxholes victoriously…ignorance forever banished from the lives of the children they fought to teach.

          Today was a historical moment in time.  Our children will remember it as the day the first African American became president of the United States.  And while I am not particularly an Obama fan, I must admit I was taken by the fact that in my life time black people have gone from being viewed as little more than animals, to holding the highest office in the land.  America truly is the land of opportunity.  I watched some of the coverage and saw tears rolling down faces of all colors.  The fact that it was the day after MLK Jr. Day made the moment even more poignant.  The faces of those that were beaten, and spit on back in the 60’s were the most memorable.  A generation that fought hard with courage was rewarded today to see a black man sworn into office.  I am struck by the fact that even in our own country we are continually striving for freedom for all.

 I think that freedom seekers are created by God.  Christ died to set us free.  His purpose for us is to live free from the oppressions that attempt to bind us.  The African American people are a physical example of a spiritual truth.  The enemy wants us to be slaves to him, just as the black people were enslaved during Civil War times.  He does not like it when we begin to realize we do not have to submit to his power over our lives.  We begin to see that there is a better way…a way to be free.  We seek the Lord’s face and his power begins our journey to wholeness and freedom.  I am not talking about the ability to do whatever we want.  No, my definition of freedom is different than that.

 Freedom knows that you deserved death but got life.  It is accepting yourself as flawed, while receiving the love that surpasses those flaws…even uses them for good.  It is unconditional acceptance by the God of the universe.  It surpasses political gain, wealth, and a “whatever” attitude.  It has nothing to do with how people treat you on the outside and everything to do with what you believe on the inside.  We could ask the slaves about that one.  Or ask those that were in the concentration camps. Or perhaps the underground churches of China. I am not diminishing the hardships they faced.  Heavens no.  The circumstances were and are horrific, inexcusable.  I am simply pointing out that the heart of hope that continued to beat despite the trials is where true freedom resides. That God given desire to be accepted as we are and loved any way, is built into each of us.  And we will run after it.  We will fight for it.  We will die for it. 

Even as we sit in our comfortable American lives we instinctively know there is more to freedom than prosperity.  I think that we are going to learn that in new ways in the near future.  Hardships cut to the heart of the matter.  How free do you want to be?  Do you desire it enough to allow God to take you to your knees?  Today was a picture of how far the God given desire for freedom can take you, but it was not without cost.  The fact is that freedom begins with humility and the realization that only God can release the captives.  I pray that our captivity leads us to true freedom…

I sent beg bug survival kits back to Berry with Hannah.  Each one had a custom made t-shirt with Berry Bed Bug Dodging Team and a bed bug with a Viking hat written on it.  They also included a toddler pounding toy that is a bed with bed bugs in it and a hammer to hit them with.  I wrote a special beg bug chant; all to welcome the girls back and to poke fun at a difficult problem.  I was hoping that it would build some humor and start the new semester off with light-hearted fun.  Hannah said every one loved the bags and laughed like crazy.  I was pleased. 
This morning Hannah called quite early...7:45.  She has so many bites she said it looks like she has the chicken pox in some places.  No joke.  Less than 24 hours back and she is covered.  I guess the bugs got hungry going a month without food!  I hear they can be dormant for up to a year or something without food...then when a food source is nearby they emerge to eat.  These little pests are frustrating to no end.  The good news is that Berry was able to find another room for Abby and Hannah to move to...permanently.  It is on 2nd West Mary...they were on 2nd East, so they are just a few rooms over into another hall.  Not too far from all their fellow bed bug buddies.  For a few hours today it looked as if they were going to be separated and put in completely different dorm locations.  Then God intervened...maybe due to the mothers prayers???  Anyway, it appears to have worked out and even though it is yet another transition, hopefully it will be the last dealings with the dreaded bugs...at least for us.  You can pray for  the rest of the girls on the hall.  Now that the food source has moved on, the bugs may decide to as well.  There are still 3 or 4 rooms of the 8 on the hall, that are still occupied.  The college is running out of places to put girls that need a new room. 

I have added the bed bug war chant that I wrote for the survival kits for your enjoyment...the spacing is a little weird but you get the idea.

                                                                            Bed Bugs, Bed bugs out of sight,

                                                                                    Only till the dead of night,
        
                                                                                     When out you crawl to be fed

Filling us with hate and dread.

 

Bed bugs, Bed bugs are a pain,

We’ll not rest until they’re slain,

Packing, spraying, every day,

Bed bugs, bed bugs go away!

 

Bed bugs, Bed bugs we’ve got news,

You are doomed, that’s our view,

We’re the girls of second East,

Not afraid of little beasts.

 

Bed Bugs, Bed bugs we’ve had enough,

You are dead, cause we are tough.

We’ve out lasted the likes of you,

Now we say that you are through.

 

Bed bugs, bed bugs say good night,

You’ll not see the morning light,

No more hassles, no more moves,

Cause Berry’s gotten rid of you!!!

 

It has been drizzling and misty for days with only a few brief glimpses of the sun.  Then at night, when the sun is down, the fog appears along the mountain roads.  It is thick enough that I cannot use high beams and low beams barely cut through it.  Eerie mist covers everything, creating glowing halos of white that surround street lights as I pass them.   I creep down the road sinking deeper and deeper in the mist the further from town I drive.  It is pea soup.  Trees and fences look like fuzzy sketches.  Street signs are not visible until I am a foot away.  This kind of fog occurs regularly around these curvy corners, but this week it has been worse than usual. Thicker. It is scary to think that it is this difficult to drive on the roads I know so well.  These are my well worn paths of daily life, yet I cannot make out where to turn or how the road bends.  It is as if I am a stranger.  You know how it is when you feel like something is familiar but you can’t quite recall the details?  That is how this feels.  I realize just how much I drive on automatic pilot each day when struggling to find our neighborhood on this damp night. I am concentrating on every little landmark as I move along in the murky haze. A scripture occurs to me inching along my way.  “Now we see dimly as in a mirror; then we will see face to face.  Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” I Cor. 13:12.   

Now I am thinking about how much we really do not know about God.  It is like this thick fog, only we don’t really understand that we are in it.  We are convinced we know how God works and how the world operates because it is familiar to us. Yet, if truth be told honestly, we are aware there is more going on than meets the eye.  Understanding how God functions during times of war is beyond us.  Knowing he is fully aware of all the political ramifications around the world, and even allows them, is too much for our small human brains to comprehend.  I think it is getting foggy in our world…or maybe we are just becoming aware of it.  It is hard to see where we are going as a country, as an economy, as a people. We can make out snippets here and there, but the big picture eludes us like light on a foggy night.  I believe that the fog is going to get thicker before the sun breaks through.  I also believe that God can see clearly, while we cannot.  I may know a few things now but the scripture promises that I shall one day know fully.  The best part of this scripture to me is that last part “even as I am fully known.”  I think every human has the desire to be fully known and loved…to belong.  This scripture promises that one day we will understand, but more importantly we will be known completely for who we are.  On that day, the fog will clear and all will see the Glory of God shining, breaking through the mist.  What a day that will be!

Can I confide in you?  I hate New Year’s Resolutions.  I don’t know if it is because I have always had the weight thing at the top of my list, but somehow it just feels as though I am setting myself up to fail when I put pen to paper.  To me this is a bit odd, because I am by nature a list person.  I wake up in the night with a list of things to do running through my head.  I have been known to write down things I have already done, just so I can experience the satisfaction of crossing them off. I mean things like showering, brushing my teeth and getting dressed.  Think about it, by 6:30 a.m. I have already accomplished three things. (who cares that it is something I do every single day) In some ways, it is simply a mind game that my brain engages in for entertainment. There are times this neurological stimulation feels like a curse as my mind tries to organize details in a way to get everything done in the most efficient manner.  It would make logical sense then, for me to LIKE making a New Years list. 

So why do I despise it so?  I think it is the permanence of it.   Once it is down, my mind will not let me rest until I have at least attempted it.  Not a problem if it is something as simple as brushing my teeth, but losing 100 lbs. is a different story.  Even spiritual goals come up flat, as my brain turns them into performance rituals devoid of life.  After so many years of this kind of failure, is it any wonder I have quit trying?  No, I think that this year, I resolve NOT to make any resolutions. 

This year I am going to take steps towards that to which God has called me.  For me, it is more than semantics…it is walking in what God has given me to do; following my dreams.  After my cancer, I realized that God has given me the ability to write for a purpose, and that I may not have years to put my words on paper.  He convinced me that I have a part of him that no one else has…a personal viewpoint that he has molded and shaped through my life experiences.  No one else can express this part of his heart like I can.  It is his design for my life to reveal his glory to those with whom I come into contact.  In my life, this involves writing what I see and hear.  For years, I have felt the urge to write a book and yet it took the possibility of death to make me act on it.  Why is that?  Why is it that we sell ourselves short which, in turn, denies others the opportunity to witness God’s glory at work through us?  I believe that we do not see ourselves through his eyes.  We think we are ordinary and that we have little to offer.  I never could have dreamed that someone else would want to read anything I had written.  I had journals full of thoughts and ideas that were sitting on a shelf.  God, in his gentle but firm way, confronted me on this. 

“Why do you bottle up what I have given you and keep it to yourself?  Don’t you

know this is what I created you to do?  Don’t you know there is no one else that I have entrusted with this task?  Because of your distinctive passions and interests, your life experiences, and your relationship with me throughout all of it, you are uniquely qualified to display my glory.  When you hold back, you are hindering my glory.  You must trust me on this and step out.”

My heart was grieved at his words to me.  I just kept putting it off.  I am a very busy person and to write takes time and thought.  I can always do it later, once my life has slowed down and the kids are grown.  This is what I told myself to justify not stepping out.  But in reality it was fear that was holding me back.  Fear that I wasn’t good enough or that no one would like my writing.  Fear that I would embarrass myself.

Then God, in his infinite wisdom, granted me time to slow down and a new fear…fear of dying without doing what he called me to do. Fear that what was in my heart to do, my dreams, my words, would go to the grave with me, unspoken, unwritten.  Cancer brings with it the gift of perspective. 

This year I will step out even further.  It may be one step or five…but I will move forward in my writing. This is not a checklist; it is a heart-cry.  My question to you my dear reader is this, what will you step towards this year?  Do you have music in your heart that needs to be played?  A song perhaps, that someone needs to hear?  I am quite sure that there are numerous books to be written.  I cannot tell you the number of times since I wrote my book that someone has told me “I have always wanted to write a book.”  So why my brother, have you not done it?  Sister, what is holding you back?  Your heart is crying out to follow the dreams God himself has put in your heart.  His glory is burning to be expressed.  Are you a teacher that needs to teach?  Are you a musician that needs to sing or an artist that needs to paint?  Maybe a counselor that longs to bring healing to broken hearts?  What is it that stirs your soul? 

One step.  Move one step towards it. Do not make the mistake I did and wait until you think you are dying to step out.  God’s glory resides inside of you, and he has given you a way to communicate it to a dying world.  Lay down your fear and your excuses.  Allow him to breathe life into your dream and then move on it.

I leave you with a story…this Christmas I was with my great aunt Janette.  She had a fever as a child that caused brain damage so she is mentally impaired.  Childlike in every way she is a joy to be with.  She is 4-foot something and stands about chest high. Mostly she is happy.  About everything.  She sees everything very simply and calls it like she sees it.  While you may not think she knows all that is going on around her, there are times she is surprisingly wise.  We were discussing something, I do not remember what exactly.  I think someone said ‘I’ve been meaning to do that’ or something to that effect.  She in her innocent way said, “You’d better do it because it’s later than you think.”  Profound. 

            One step. Follow your heart-cry.  He is waiting…and it’s later than you think.

It occurred to me this past weekend that Christmas is about celebrating common bonds with family.  You know me, I am always making connections in my head, so as I sat around at mom’s this weekend I was watching and listening.  I was thinking how different we have all become.  I mean my siblings and I grew up in the same house, and had basically the same experiences and yet, we are so different.  We have different interests, different careers and different passions.  God gave them to us, by the way. The grandkids are even more varied and I bet this is true in most households.  During the course of the year we go about our diverse lives working, playing and being ourselves.  Then, for a few days at Christmas, we all merge together for family traditions.   

So why is it that for many families Christmas is the most difficult time of the year? In some households it can be stressful because of the differences in values, opinions, and viewpoints. Family secrets are buried just under the surface and tensions run high.  Everyone knows what NOT to talk about to avoid the land mines of emotion. Past hurts are avoided. Tip-toeing around on egg shells is common and the weather is a big topic of conversations.  I think though, that we have it all wrong when we allow these things to get under our skin.  I am not saying that it is easy to forget them, but I do believe that we are missing the point. 

Traditions by definition are things we do over and over again in the same way each year.  We have them so that we can remember how we are ALIKE.  In a family we all have the same blood running through our veins.  We celebrate the values we share as a family. Usually there is a matriarch or patriarch that sets the tone of the time together but there are cousins, aunts and uncles as well as other various family members. Think of all of the individuals and their unique perspectives…every family has a crazy uncle or a black sheep cousin. It is our independence that gets in the way of making these times enjoyable.  We want things to be comfortable, but we are unwilling to put down the expectations we carry.  However, IF we celebrate our common bond, things become easier.  We can allow our opinions to set on the shelf for a few hours and truly enjoy the distinctiveness of our family because we all were put together by God.  For reasons only He knows God put you with the family you came from.  You are who you are because of the way you were shaped and influenced by them.  Christmas is a time to celebrate that and be grateful for the many blessings that come from belonging.  Deep down in every heart there is a desire to belong.  We search for it our whole lives.  Our first experience with it is within our families, and even as different as we are, we still belong to one another.  I think God created imperfect families so that we would realize how desperately we need to belong to him.  At Christmas he gave us the way to belong, and the reason for the season in Jesus.  But he also gave us the family with which we celebrate this gift and a heart that shares a common bond that he designed especially for us.  Enjoy your family and have a Merry Christmas.

To everything there is a season.  I wonder if Solomon knew when he wrote these words how many mixed moments they would bring.  Maybe he wrote it BECAUSE of them.  God, in his wisdom knew, we would need these words to help us through the dichotomies of life; war/peace, life/death, laughter/tears, plant/ harvest, on and on they go.  Mixed moments.   They are part of life as we know it.  All of us have experienced them and have learned we cannot stop them.  As much as we would love laughter, life and peace all the time, we must also endure war, death and tears.  Seasons change…period.  No question.

Many times God brings people into our lives for a season.  Friendships ebb and flow.  They give us great comfort and even bring healing.  Sometimes iron is sharpening iron and other times peas are in a pod.  Our relationship with Pete and Heather is the latter.  From the time Pete met Bill they were bonded.  It was during a Christmas production at Concord.  Bill would come home and talk about Pete all the time.  He wanted me to meet this guy.  Then the kids started talking about him.  If you know Pete at all, you know that his enthusiasm for life is contagious.  He will be the first to tell you that it has not always been so, but that God is his source. His love for the arts spills out on anyone near enough to catch it.  He is talented for sure, but when we first met him he was also trying to get his footing in life.  He knew God’s tremendous grace and he knew he had a purpose, but finding out how to get from point A to point B was a bit muddled.  Enter Heather.  Center Stage. 

It is a little scary to fall in love with a man that oozes with talent but doesn’t have focus.  That is where Heather and I hit it off quite well.  We relate to one another because of our men.  We are both teachers so we know what it means to be firm but gentle.  We are cheerleaders in life and our ability to see a diamond in the rough joins our hearts.  As you can tell, this friendship is one of those rare “couple” friendships where both the husband and wife get along.  It was magical for all of us.  We shared our hearts and dreams.  The guys shared their visions…which were quite grand I might I add.  They knew our history and our weaknesses, and loved us anyway.  That was a two way street.  We walked with them through courtship, marriage, Centerpeace, college, surgery, and now baby.  It has been quite a ride and we have loved having them in our lives.  I know they are not leaving our lives, just our city. 

It is one of those mixed moments I was talking about.  We are thrilled to see what God is going to do with them.  We encourage them to grab life and go for it…whatever IT is.   But at the same time, selfishly, we want them to stay here with us.  We want to continue to watch Silas grow.  We want Pete’s input into our kids lives to continue. Bill needs a playmate and Pete is fun.  We want fun in our lives.  Heather is sweet as sugar.  I like sugar. J  But God in his infinite wisdom knows that for whatever reason a new season is needed.  It is time for our friendship to change.  It will not end, but it will be different because for everything there is a season.  So we wish you well Pete and Heather.  You will always be in our hearts.  Our special friendship means the world to us and we want you to know that you can come “home” anytime.  We release you into God’s care as you move on in life.  We love you. 

           It is that time of year again.  As you can tell from my blog…or lack of one…it has been production week.  That means we have not been home more than a couple of hours this week.  It is a huge labor of love and it never ceases to amaze me how many people are willing to commit that kind of time and effort. 

This year the theme was a military one with a heaven scene at the end which featured dancing angels.  It was quite a celebration that was portrayed as the main character entered.  I had some friends in attendance.  Several years ago one of them lost her teenage son in a car accident.  The tragedy still stings I am sure.  As this woman and her sister watched the scene, the sister said she did not get the dancing angels.  The other woman said I totally get it. That is the kind of reception my son received as he entered heaven.  As the Holy Spirit’s comfort covered their hearts the tears flowed. New life was breathed into a painful past and a burden was lifted.  God is so cool.

Another story is about Jesus, the crucified Jesus to be exact.  Shawn Alexander has been the crucified Jesus for the past 7 years I think.  I cannot tell you how many times he has been killed.  It is a brutal scene and he is thrown around quite a bit.  Let’s just say that some of the bruises are real.  Each time I am transported to the death of my Lord, as the fact that I know all the actors slips into the back of my mind.  It is a poignant reminder of his sacrifice for me. 

This year they are training a new crucified Jesus.  Shawn feels it is time for a replacement…literally FEELS it.  So a younger college age man was selected.  He played the role one of the nights to try it out.  When he was finished, he said he had a greater respect for what Shawn has been doing without complaint all these years.  He said carrying the cross hurts, and that the guards were very rough and it was incredibly difficult to hang on that cross for that long.  The blood make up is sticky and when you pull it off a layer of your skin comes off with it, not to mention the hair.  The crown of thorns really is thorns and they stick into your head.  He was singing the praise of Shawn for all that he has endured, willingly and even cheerfully for the past several years. 

His description caught my attention and I wondered how much more respect these two men each have for Jesus himself.  If the pain and suffering of ACTING like Jesus is difficult, just think how unimaginable it was to actually do what Jesus did in real life.  Carrying the cross did hurt, the guards showed no mercy as they flogged him.  Hanging on the cross as he suffocated had to be unbearable, yet he bore the pain of it all for me and you.  The thorns tore his brow and his back didn’t have much skin left on it.  It was gruesome.  Yet he endured it all willingly without complaint.  What an amazing lesson to learn.  To be like Christ is the ultimate goal, and reflecting upon the crucifixion, it was once again evident how little we are like him…really like him.  I think it is not possible for us to comprehend the staggering weight of his sacrifice.  We cannot understand why he did what he did unless we understand and RECEIVE his love for us.  Not just in our heads but in our hearts as well.  This year there were new perspectives on heaven and on the road to the cross.  Eyes were opened in new ways to see things from a different viewpoint. No matter how many times we do this production one thing remains the same, God is Glorified and he uses his glory to change hearts.

Thirteen years ago I delivered my biggest baby at 11 lbs.  I had just taken a shower and was putting on make up when the doctor came in.  He said, “Do you know you just had a baby two hours ago?”  I said, “An eleven pound baby…do you know how much better I feel?  I can turn around in the shower and not hit my belly on the wall!”

I am so grateful for Peter.  He is my fourth and last baby. He was also the biggest at birth followed closely by Aaron at 10.5 and William at 9.14.  I have big boys evidently.  Now that they are all teenagers that has taken on a whole new meaning.  Peter has probably grown 2 inches since the summer.  He is like a weed on miracle grow!  He is my sportsman and loves all things to do with sports.  He has a tender side as well that occasionally peeks out.  He cried when we told him I had cancer.  He curled up with me when I was sick.  He struggled with fear after his room caught fire.  He smiled when he got cool new furniture.  He is funny which is typical of a last born, so he loves jokes and comedians. Science is easy for him and math is hard.  He loves traditions and eating breakfast out.  He is growing into a young man now and that saddens me.  However, it is time and I wouldn’t go back to toddler-hood for anything in the world.  I now have four teenagers…wow, I can almost feel my hair turning gray.  I do love every minute, okay maybe not EVERY minute, but I am trying to hold on and enjoy them while I can because they will be gone soon.  So happy birthday Peter…you are a blessing to me and I love you a ton!

You know how you grieve after someone dies or moves away?  I think it is the new normal without that person that is the most difficult but, over time, you adjust.  You don’t forget, you just move on and adapt.  Then, in the most unexpected moments, a flood hits you.  It could be triggered by a smell or a song, a familiar scene or a tradition.  Whatever causes the emotions to swim to the surface isn’t really the issue.  It is the hole in your heart that surprises you with its sharp pain and loneliness.

            Last night I had a moment like that which caught me completely off guard.  I decided since I hadn’t seen any of the Christmas production I would watch the dress rehearsal.  It was coming along nicely but at the end, when the dancers came out, I became acutely aware that Hannah was not among them.  It was like a slap in my face that said life has moved on.  The tears welled up and overflowed.  My heart became sad and lonely.  The realization that for the past 10 years she has been there on that stage expressing her passion through dance and now she is not was a boulder on my chest.  Time is a task master and it forces the seasons to change whether we are ready or not.  I miss seeing my graceful girl worship in such an expressive way. 

            I was not expecting this emotional response.  It was a bit of grieving that had to take place.  It felt raw.  Yet I am watching her blossom at school, bed bugs and all.  She is becoming her own person and I am grateful.  God knows when the seasons need to change and he allows time to push our babies out of the nest.  I know that I have not shed my last tear over watching them go off into the world.  To embrace the pain and the joy at the same time is a challenge to say the least.  However, once again God has already walked this path.  He sent his son out into the world that would kill him.  It had to be agony, yet he gained a world of sons and daughters.  Joy and pain.  Another dichotomy of the God we love.  He can so relate to my tears and my hopes.  If I am surprised by grief again in the future…and I probably will be…I am confident that I serve a mighty God that holds me close as the seasons change.