Okay…so I lied. I thought the second one going off to school would be easier. I am sure that I wrote that on one blog or another. Now I sit in Nashville, Tennessee realizing that it is further than Rome…much further. Belmont is bigger than Berry…much bigger. The past two days at orientation my throat has closed with tears more than once as I find my emotions rising to the surface. I know that my son is ready for this. Right? I know he can rise to the occasion and excel in college. Right? My head says all is as it should be. He is going off to school at the right time, to the right place. My heart on the other hand says I am not ready for him to go so far. I guess every mother’s heart feels pulled at this time of life. Mine is no exception. My role is changing yet again. I am a consultant now.
I wonder what it must’ve been like for God to put Adam in the garden. They fellowshipped and had an intimate relationship communing together in the cool of the evening. I can imagine that. When I was sick Aaron would come sit on my bed and share his day “in the cool of the evening.” It was part of what kept me going during a very rough time in my life. A simple pleasure. Now I am watching him grow into a man. He is pulling away, as it should be, but still a bittersweet time for me.
I don’t need to wonder how God felt as Adam pulled away. I know. Of course, it is different in that Adam made a choice. That choice of his gave all of us our independence from God, and some of us have found that independence isn’t always such a good thing. Yet God uses every choice to his advantage as well as ours. He draws us. Only God can use our free will decisions to glorify himself. I know how I feel as Aaron takes flight. It is a heart wrenching thought to not know what is going on in his life, not because I want to control it, but because I want to be a part of it. It gives me insight as to how God must feel when I pull away from him. He so wants to be a part of my life, just to know me and be with me. Yet I go my own way, do my own thing. It is part of the human experience. I am distracted by all that is around me in “the garden” of my life. In the cool of the evening I am so tired I cannot hear much less commune with God. Today, I have a renewed sense of God’s desire for me, as I watch my children leave the nest one by one. I will choose to cling to him, knowing that once again, he knows exactly how I feel.
My son will now also be making choices that will affect the rest of his life, some good, some bad. Choices that will in one way or another bring glory to God. This is what I have raised him for. I will trust God with his future and cry many tears as I release my grip and open my hand. I will watch from the sidelines, cheering him on all the way.