Today the phone rang and it was the nurse. She wanted to come change my dressing today instead of tomorrow because the more days in between the more pain there is. I was all for it, while at the same time being against it. I went into the panic/meltdown mode that I have been living in lately. I took all my pain medicine that is supposed to help me. I cried and had trouble breathing as I waited for my pain to arrive. Somehow the anticipation of pain is bigger than the pain itself. Bill played the piano over me. That brought me peace and I was able to take deep breaths once again. As I tried to rest while waiting on my agony this passage from Luke came to mind.
He began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” Going a little further he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me…yet not as I will, buy as you will.” An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish he prayed more earnestly and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.
I understand this passage a little better now. I was sweating (not blood) as I knew the pain that awaited me. I knew there was no way around it. I even asked God to let this cup pass from me…but he didn’t. I felt a small part of the anguish and sorrow he must have felt. I am relieved that I have a savior that has felt everything I will ever go through…even pain.
Again I am reminded of Christ’s love for me. He was in anguish because he knew the pain and torture that was to come. He knew the rejection and the physical beatings. I cannot imagine the depth of the pain he felt. He chose to face it because he also knew the end result would be intimate fellowship with me….with all of us. He thought it was worth it…I was worth it.
In the end today, I was blessed. The Vaseline gauze worked and the foam was removed fairly easily. Some pain but very little and I have hope that it will continue to be as easy now that we have found the trick. I am still somewhat nervous for next time because it is always tender. But God moved today on my behalf. He knew how much I could take and he did not require more.