Last Sunday…I am a little late in writing…I had a wonderful experience. Some of you were probably there for the cardboard testimonies at church. If you weren’t it was amazing. For those that do not know, it is a way to share what God has done in your life, without saying a word. The idea is to write a “before” word or phrase on one side of your cardboard and an “after” on the other. For example, one side may say Crack Addict the other would say Addicted to Jesus. It is a simple phrase that sums up what God has done in your life. As the music plays, Our God is Mighty to Save, the procession begins. There are several people lined up and each one takes a turn standing for several seconds holding the before word to the audience. Then slowly, the sign is turned. The transformation of a life is illustrated in this simple motion. I was asked to participate by a dear friend. Bill and I decided to go as a couple. My sign said Cancer on one side and Resurrection Life on the other. Bill’s said Traumatic Brain Injury and the flip side said Healed by His Blood. We felt that there was power in our joint testimony. When we made our signs I thought it would be simple to walk up and turn it. What I did not expect was the emotion that accompanied this uncomplicated action. The flood of tears and the exaltation of victory rushed over me, side by side. It was overwhelming. I could feel the presence of God flowing as person after person testified…silently. What a way to share the love of God! We did this in both services and at Sunday in the Park in the evening. All three times it had the same effect on me; overwhelming gratitude. My friend Robin saw it in the first service. She too is a cancer survivor. Afterwards we hugged through tears. In the second service she joined me as a victor experiencing resurrection life. It was glorious to share the stage with so many people that have experienced God’s amazing grace. I was humbled, overwhelmed, and grateful to participate in such an event.

This weekend I had a wonderful surprise.  The family had arranged a birthday party for me at Bill’s moms.  The plan was a cookout swim party.  As far as I knew it was just my own family and Bill’s mom and dad.  We added a friend of Peters to the list.  At home, Bill had been on the phone all morning on and off, leaving the room each time.  I was beginning to get suspicious.  When we arrived at Skitts Mtn. our friends Pete and Heather came in with their baby Silas.  We hadn’t seen them in awhile and I was excited to see them.  In my mind, that accounted for the suspicious behavior to some degree.  We went on to eat and enjoy each others company.  I went to the sink to put away my dishes and when I turned back around Hannah was standing in the kitchen “Surprise!  Happy Birthday Mom.”  Needless to say my tears flowed out of happiness. It seems somehow she ended up in Cartersville and had to have some direction to get back on the right path home.  That is what all the phone calls were about.  I was just glad for the surprise...It was a great weekend with my girl.

       To my left, I see midnight blue mountains rolling in the distance. They blend with the lighter blue-gray sky.  In the foreground, the closer mountains are green with wisps of white clouds floating heavenward.  The mist between the mountains looks like smoke, only it lies in the lowlands allowing the tops of the mountains to peek through.  Straight in front of me the taller mountains have a commanding presence above the mist.  They tower over the smokey fingers of white that are grasping at the sky.  As the clouds roll across the valley below they thicken to a blanket that covers everything to my right.  Over my head the sun shines through the cotton, while over the mountains dark storm clouds are raining in the distance.  Some of the cotton is pink now, adding a delicate blush of color to the scene.  The fluffy white blanket is spreading now and soon there will be no mountains at all; only clouds.  More rain may be on the horizon, but for now the clouds are content to float lazily as if in slow motion. 

The rain has been a welcome friend these past couple of days.  Trees have been waving their arms in thanks.  The rivers are high and the streams are gurgling; singing with new enthusiasm.  All the earth is praising God.  I must join my voice and thank him for the rain.  

         I thought I was handling Hannah’s move so well, until Saturday. We went to Lowes to pick out light fixtures for the house. Seemed like an easy task…just go in and find the lights like the ones we have. Sounds like a breeze, only they don’t make those lights anymore and the more I looked the more frustrated I got. Fussing at Bill and Peter I should have seen the underlying problem was NOT the house. It took a whole day of stress building up before I finally melted down. Ah ha! There could be more to these tears than the stress of home building! You would think I would have been suspect before 7:00 p.m. but no, it took until then for the emotions to completely surface.
      It is the most out of the ordinary kind of grief I have faced. It hurts and there is loss, but also I am excited about Hannah’s growth. I have talked to her and she is doing wonderfully. She is making new friends and settling into a routine. Her first classes were today and she was relieved afterwards because the work load on the syllabus’ seemed manageable. After hearing how hard college work is for the past year, she had built it up in her mind to near impossible. The worry that she wouldn’t be able to handle it seems to have abated, and she is excited about learning new things.
       My emotions are vacillating between sadness at the changes this has brought, and excitement about Hannah’s future. It is like a roller coaster ride. Mostly I am fine, though I can feel tears close to the surface. The stress of the house, even though it is coming along, is not helping the situation. If I could go and sit in my own bedroom to deal with my feelings I think it wouldn’t be as hard. Soon I know that this will all be a memory and the adjustment will be made. The new relationship with my adult daughter will grow. The house will be finished and home will be home once again. I am looking forward to that stability, but embracing yet another chance to get closer to my Lord as I fumble my way along this new path. It is a good thing and a God thing!

On Wednesday I left a part of my heart in Rome.  It was move-in day at Berry, and we took Hannah bright and early. There were Berry Bellhops dressed in orange shirts that helped to unload the truck. Since we were there first they were eager and fresh, which was the reason we arrived so early.  One man came into the room carrying boxes…turns out he is the new president of Berry.  We were impressed.  

Her roommate, Abby is precious and requested that we pray for their room before we began the work.  You cannot tell me God doesn’t answer prayer.  As the six of us stood hand in hand I found it hard not to start the tears right then and there. The decorating soon took my mind away from the thoughts that were hanging nearby calling for my attention.  We spent the day fixing up her room.  It was quite an event and took most of the day.  When we were finished she was living in an adorable space transformed with bright colorful fabrics and black and white photos. We were all very pleased with the result.  If it hadn’t been for the upcoming parting, the welcome ceremony and reception would have been more enjoyable.  It was awesome to be in the brand new Cage Athletic Center that did not even exist when we were there.  All and all the whole day was exciting and exhausting.  After a dinner at Olive Garden, we drove her back to the dorm to say our goodbyes and I love yous.  I made it through without a total melt down…at least in front of her.  When she walked away to go into that big oak door my heart broke into pieces. 

Let me say that I am happy for her, no doubt about that.  It was time for this monumental step and she will do great.  But there is something about realizing that your life just moved into a completely new season that causes you a pause. You see, what she does not know is that things will never be the same.  Our family dynamics have changed.  She will return for breaks, but she is on her way to her own life.  I understand that because I have been through it.  She has not.  It is hard to watch your first baby walk away.  They say that it gets easier with each one, and that by the time you get to the fourth you are kicking them out.  I can’t imagine that to be true in this moment.  Back in the truck the tears came freely…kleen-x beside me…Bill holding my hand.  

Driving out of the gate I felt as though I was leaving part of myself behind.  The only comparison I have is the feeling I had after I miscarried our first child.  At that time I told Bill it was like part of my personality was missing. It is an emptiness that cannot be easily described.  The difference is that while that was an unnatural event, this is completely natural and even voluntary choice.  I will see Hannah again, in fact, I have already talked to her twice.  The pain of the separation simply shows me that we have a great relationship.  My heart would not hurt so badly if we didn’t.  My journey through cancer drew us closer and those months will be cherished even as the year progresses and she steps into this new phase. 

God is faithful.  He is trustworthy even with our children…that are really his.  I am in the process of releasing her fully into his care.  It is a gradual process and I am looking forward to the benefits that will unfold in our relationship as the seasons change.  Until then, my emotions are riding close to the surface and a big piece of my heart is missing.

I am sitting here after packing my girl up.  We have been working for the past couple of hours and it is a bittersweet process let me tell you.  Excitement mixed with exhaustion on my part...I did have to work today.  The exhaustion leads to tears not a flood yet, but they are right below the surface.  Tomorrow the truck will be loaded while I work, then I will break away to head north.  The boys are set to stay with Bill's mom and dad.  We will spend the night in a hotel, the same one as her roomate.  Then on Wednesday the dorm opens at 8 am.  We unload and attend the family welcome before saying goodbye sometime after dinner.  Then the long ride home with tears likely flowing the whole way.  I am ready for this...she is ready for this too.  I know that I will grieve along with the excitement.  I know there will be an empty hole that will be left...however, I am thanking God for facebook, cell phones and email.  It is easier now to keep in touch than ever before.  Please keep us all in your prayers as we make this transition.

I guess you can tell that I am back at work.  The amount of time to write has drastically decreased.  An update on the house is that they have started the re-building.  I was there yesterday and saw all fresh new lumber ready to be put in.  We are moving from a destruction zone to a construction zone.  It made me think, I know you are surprised by that. J 

The old has been ripped out.  The new is being put into place.  New life. It is another resurrection message in our lives.  The analogy moves along with the events.  The sin has been discovered in our heart.  It burned until it could not be ignored any longer.  The Savior came and put out the fire without question.  Then the work of removing the debris and taking stock of our lives began.  The deep stuff pulled out by the roots.  God-sent professionals have cleaned and washed and dumped what needed to go.  We have been relocated for a time of healing.  Now the resurrection begins.  The freedom that we have wanted from the beginning is within our reach.  God has been faithful to his word to show us the truth about ourselves, knowing the truth is what sets us free.  The freedom to make changes is upon us.  Things that have been moving at a snail’s pace are beginning to move faster. 

            Decisions must be made; colors, carpet, furniture must all be selected.  In the analogy there are also choices.  After a dramatic rescue and healing in our lives we must decide how our lives will look.  Will we change everything or remain the same?  It is a thrilling proposition to think that we have a clean slate.  The world of possibilities is wide open and hope is bubbling out of every pore.  The feel of life pumping through you revives the tired spirit that was sin-filled.  The saturated, smelly fibers of your being are washed whiter than snow.  It is beyond anything that can be imagined.  This is what amazing grace is all about…the soaring of your soul, as you begin to catch the vision of what could be and how things can be different.  It is the resurrection and it is happening to YOU.  Walking through this process with the Lover of your Soul is a completely life-altering event.  You will never be the same.  Your perspective of what is important and what is not is viewed through new grateful eyes.  Compassion for others that are trapped in burning houses overflows into your actions.  Can life really be so miraculous?  You bet it can.  You were created for this freedom, from the beginning!

The first couple of days of school went smoothly.  The newness of the school year has already worn off for the kids and it is back to the grind.  The good news is that the house is starting to look like a house under construction instead of a house of destruction.  They have done most of the demo and will be starting the building at the beginning of the week.  We still are not sure how soon we will be able to move back in but it is looking so much better now that all the damaged areas are removed.  There will still need to be cleaning at the house of the furniture upstairs...though it has been moved to the garage so they could pull out the carpet...they will also spray something that is supposed to take the smoke smell out.  Hopefully it will be able to remove it all.  I still question that, but it DOES smell a lot better now that the carpet is out.   Mom and Dad have been working on getting prices on the inventory items.  I hope to get the first few pages turned in this week so the insurance company can start their estimate.  They say it will take  4 to 6 weeks for them to research our prices.  I guess we will see how that all goes as we move forward. Things are on the move...that is a good thing.

I don't think it is a coeincedence that our house is getting started on the very same day that school starts.  It seems to me that there is a parallel.  Rebuilding, beginning anew.  It is like a fresh start.  The house is being demo-ed tomorrow...out with the old, smelly, nasty stuff.  Last year, you may remember, was the worst teaching year I have ever had...but it is gone...out with the old.  The new materials for the house are coming in...fresh and clean.  Same for school.  New ideas, new ways, new students.  It is a clean slate so to speak.  I think that there is alot of work ahead but hope is on the horizon. God never leaves us without hope.  If you cannot see it, you need to look harder...it is always there.  Sometimes it is a flicker others a blazing flame, but it is never extinguished.  It is a new day and I am smiling.

I have great news...they are starting on our house tomorrow.  The builder and the insurance company finally agreed on a price.  So in the morning they will tear up my house so they can start the rebuilding.  Hurray.  Short and sweet today because I am back at school.  More later.