I think that being double or even triple punched is most difficult.  The fire is a hard thing to deal with, but then Jessie dying makes the fire look easy.  Next, Hannah will be leaving.  Fortunately that is a happy time, but still stressful in a good kind of way.  For Hannah, it is like her whole childhood is gone at one time.  She is quite ready to move out and start the next phase of her life.

            Such a drastic change in dynamics is unusual.  Normally, we change one thing at a time.  However, these changes are mostly forced this time.  It gives a whole new perspective to life.  The lesson I am learning from this is my same old motto from the cancer days…Live Fully.  You do not know what will happen tomorrow.  It cannot be predicted.  Who would have thought…a house fire?  I never dreamed of such.  It came completely out of the blue, seemingly so random.  I could not have predicted our dog would die…another random event.  If nothing else is taken from this occurrence I am seeing that living fully is not something to think about only when your life hangs in the balance.  It is a daily way of life.  The further out I get from my cancer, the more I get pulled back into the busyness of life.  It is easy to slip back into old habits of being more worried about the clutter in the house than in the relationships.  A fire is particularly conducive to this because all your effort is in thinking about your stuff…what you have and how much it all costs.  Yet, it is also a reality check that life is random.  We are not in control of as much as we think we are.  The unthinkable can happen in seconds and your life will never be the same. 

            We are all alive and safe…except for Jessie.  God has been so faithful to find us a place.  He has pulled us together through not only the fire, but also the death of our dog.  Now we are all trying to get in last minute Hannah time, because we know that it too is limited.  We are grateful and appreciative of each moment together. 

            As school starts back full swing, take some time to appreciate your relationships.  Allow your hardships to become reminders of your love for one another and of God’s love for you.  Simplify your life to a moment by moment journey that is uplifting to those around you.  Hardships can make your or break you…or both.  Do not get so lost in the event that you miss the value in it.  We are all on this journey of life.  Sometimes the road is harder than others, but if we learn to appreciate the bad stuff for what it can offer us, we can relish the good days even more. We know that all things are possible through Christ and that is where the rubber meets the road.  The pain is our weakness, but through it we are made strong…more opposite talk from the creator of the universe. He is such a mystery, but so completely trustworthy.    

I sit on our back porch with this spectacular morning view wondering, how do you say goodbye to a dog who helped you raise your kids?  I remember when Hannah turned 10 and Bill’s mom took her to a friends house to pick out a puppy.  It was one mass of puppy breath and wiggly tails.  When Hannah sat down on the grass they practically covered her.  Every one of them was adorable.  How do you pick when they are all trying so hard to get your attention.  She picked one of the lighter ones because they were fuzzier.  Jessie came right up and licked Hannah on the face and never left her.  For a few weeks we went everyday anticipating the day she would finally be old enough to leave her mother.  It was an exciting day when Jessie Nicole Gunnin came to live with us. 

            The kids loved her from the beginning and from the beginning she loved them.  She was house trained almost immediately because she was smart.  She wanted nothing more than to be loved and thought herself a lapdog.  Not too hard when she was a puppy, but more difficult as she grew.  The kids taught her to jump on the trampoline.  Before long she was standing at the little mesh door of the enclosure whining to get in.  Everyday she jumped…or rather sat and bounced while they jumped. 

When she wasn’t in the midst of the fun, she was standing guard over the kids’ right below.  One time when a man came over to pick up his son from our house I was shocked to see our friendly family dog turn vicious.  It seems as the man pulled up and walked towards the trampoline to pick up his son Jessie did not recognize him.  She barked, growled and bared her teeth.  Needless to say he backed off until I got there.  It was that day she went from a puppy to a mommy protecting her kids.

We eventually adopted another puppy named Rusty.  He is a far cry from smart.  When we got him he was only 2 pounds, and Jessie took him in like he was her own puppy.  She could have eaten him in one bite but instead she raised him and protected him.  They were inseparable and to watch them play and wrestle you could see her gentleness with him.  She had such a gentle heart.

We all loved that dog.  Everyone who met her loved her almost immediately because she had such a sweet spirit about her.  There are some rare dogs that steal your heart completely and you do not fully realize how much until they are gone.  She was one of our family members for sure and she will be missed greatly.  She taught my kids the meaning of unconditional love.  She taught them devotion.  They learned to care and be sensitive to others from watching her with Rusty.  They learned how to love and be loved in return.  She comforted them in sad times, because as they sat and petted her she looked at them with her eyes that seemed to understand it all.  She gave a quiet companionship through those eyes.  It is so hard to say goodbye to a pet like that.  It is painfully ironic that she survived the fire only to die like she did.  It is just wrong on so many levels. 

I know that God is good and still sits on the throne, but I would have liked for this to have been played out differently.  I know that he knows what he is doing and I am okay with that, but to watch my kids suffer tears my heart out.  maybe the tears that are flowing are a release of pent up feelings from the fire.  Maybe in the long run this is helping them to grieve all the changes.  Now it has been a couple of days, life is moving once again.  We are gearing up for school and Jessie’s passing is already not stinging as much as it did that first day.  We are each having our moments of sadness, but it is not all encompassing as it was. 

She was a beautiful dog in every way. And though it is hard to say goodbye, the lessons we learned from her and the fun we had with her will live on.  We are all a bit lost without her, but we will find our way and be compassionately stronger because of it.  She was such a blessing and if dogs really do go to heaven, she is sitting at the feet of Jesus…nudging his right hand trying to get him to pet her.  

Thanks for your prayers to find Jessie...I guess I should have been more specific in my request.  We did find her but her neck was broken.  As you can imagine this is very very difficult for all of us but especially Hannah...since Jessie was her dog and "best friend."  There is much weeping and wailing at our house this morning.  One more loss on top of a huge pile of losses.  Just pray that God would draw near in this time and that we could feel his presence as we grieve once again.  This is hitting the kids hard because they were so excited to have the dogs here with us.  Rusty is fine but lonely so we plan to take him back to Bill's moms.  We are not sure what exactly happened but we think she fell off of a rock embankment and landed on her head.  Her leash was tangled in the trees with only her collar on it.  Her body was 20 feet away.  There may have been a animal involved but there were no marks on her so we don't think so.  It is a sad sad day.

I have a emergency prayer request.  Our dog Jessie is missing.  We had both dogs outside while we were gone.  When we got home Jessie's collar was on the leash and she was gone.  It has been several hours and we have seen no sign of her.  This is a very bad thing, as she rarely leaves our sight even without a leash.  She is a home body so it is unlike her to be gone this long.  Bill and Hannah are currently out looking for her and we are making signs to post in the hope that someone has seen her and will have some idea of where is the best place to look.  Please please pray.  This is not what we need right now, especially Hannah because it is her dog.  Thanks.

Hurray...we are back online.  It isn't the fastest connection I have ever had but it beats driving a mile and sitting in parking lot!  At least now I can check email and stuff from the comfort of my room, in my pjs if I want.  Work starts back on Friday so I am running like a chicken with my head cut off.  Please pray that we get the okay from the insurance company soon to begin rebuilding...we hate the waiting, but I am sure there is a nugget about God's timing in here somewhere!

         (I am posting for the past couple of days at one time, while I am connected to the internet.)   
     Right now the biggest issue with the house and insurance is the inventory.  I have to list everything we lost and find how much it would cost to replace it.  Every item…individually, no matter how small.  If I want it replaced I have to list it and the cost.

I think that as our hearts are being renewed we have to take stock of what we have.  We need to make note of our blessings as we allow God to rebuild our lives.  The things that need to be trashed are also recognized, as well as how much they cost us.  In life that could be a high price tag for our sin.  We may have lost family, jobs, friends, respect…the list goes on and on.  Now is the time to determine what needs to be updated and replaced; what can be cleaned up and what needs to be hauled off for good.  An honest look at the condition of our heart is a painful thing, especially when there is a lot that needs to be disposed of.  However, it is the beginning of the new thing God will do.

  Self reflection is required if we are to learn from our mistakes.  To plow ahead without ever considering where we are is foolish. It is like driving without a map…it may be exciting at first, but eventually we are completely lost and cannot find our way home.  It is then, that we have to consider how we ever got to this place.  Taking stock of the situation is a requirement if we want complete freedom.  It takes down to the roots of the issue.  Our lives are so cluttered with stuff that we cannot see the truth of the matter.  Looking at all the clutter, and more importantly what is underneath the clutter, is critical to moving forward.

In my house, I am taking inventory.  I am hating it because it is a tedious process that is so big that it is overwhelming.  So how do you eat an elephant?  One bite at a time.  I have a couple of bites down and many more to go.  In the end, it will be worth it because I will know exactly what we have.  I have to look to the future promise, to get through this quagmire of paperwork.  To rebuild takes blood, sweat and tears…and a lot of patience.  If I can do it…you can do it.

Back to the analogy.   There are some that would try to hinder your freedom.  When your heart is open and vulnerable after a fire for example, you are reeling from the trauma of it all.  In life it is the same.  There is a season, after an awaking to your condition, which requires you to be careful who you will hang out with.  Again God does not require you to drop all of your friends and family.  He does not say “walk away,” but for your health and the sake of your freedom many times it is wise.  “But then I will be all alone,” you think.  Not so.  Then you will be with him in a way that will fill your soul, your longing will begin to be satisfied. 

We had a deal on a house.  It was a beautiful place with a fishing pond in the front yard, a place for the dogs, and cars and children.  It looked like the perfect place in the midst of our storm.  We had some reservations, but the people were nice and so we moved forward.  Unfortunately, when we went to sign the contract the facts and figures had changed. Caution is necessary during this season…though you need to avoid outright suspicion.  (Suspicion is pre-mature judgment of a person…it is not healthy because it leads to self-righteousness eventually.)  During these times of vulnerability it is easily said that you are self focused.  It is even necessary to some degree to be so.  However, you also have to be aware of your surroundings.  These people had their own issues and we determined that we did not need theirs on top of the ones we already have.  It was a huge disappointment to me particularly.  In fact, I lost it.  It hurt my heart because of the circumstances, yet I know that God used it in our lives and theirs.  He also provided another place for us.  All of that to say, when God is changing your direction in life he will lead and guide you all the way through.  I believe with all my heart that he leads your steps along the way and uses any setbacks for his glory. 

Sometimes it is others that hold you back from walking away from your sin.  They have an expectation that you will always and forever be the person you were.  To change in that kind of environment is next to impossible because they cannot help but see you as you have always been. Once your heart has been rescued and the fire put out it is damaged.  It takes a while to go through the rebuilding process, a lifetime really.  Sometimes that is difficult for others to understand, and it is then that the dependence on God comes in handy.  Taking a stand for your own freedom is exhilarating…and painful…all at the same time.  I guess what I am saying is to guard your heart, even in its damaged condition…especially then. God is working always.  Always.  When you cried out for rescue he came.  But he does not stop with rescue.  He wants total freedom for you.  He wants the old removed and the new built.  The setbacks that come are part of the process.  So is guarding your heart from those with whom it would not be safe.  A safe place is hard to find, but it is worth it when you do!  

Last night was our first sunset in our new place.  We have been going so hard we haven’t been home at sunset this week.  First let me say the view here is spectacular.  Sitting on the porch you can see almost 180 degrees of mountains.  To the left they start out low and gray with just a hint of blue in the distance.  As you move your eyes right they become closer and higher in shades of green.  There is a valley between this mountain and the next dotted with homes along the tops of the ridge.  One mountain directly in front of us is more pointed than the rest.  Next to it there is a small dip creating a curve in the view just big enough for the setting sun to slide behind.  As you move further to the right the ridgeline straightens out a bit then fade back to blue gray in the distance.  Up close we gaze out over the tops of trees, creating the illusion that we are actually sitting in a tree. 

Evidently we face directly to the west, because the sun climbs to the top of the sky to our left somewhere in the late afternoon.  It shines into our wall of windows and heats up the house, though since the first day it hasn’t made it unbearably hot.  Then it begins its decent into the waves of blue-green mountains, selecting just the right indention in the mountain tops to begin its show of colors.  A small orange ball, like a ping pong ball, it slips closer and closer to a collision with the mountains.  It stands out in the hazy blue sky but it is not spectacular…yet. 

Once the ball has disappeared just below the surface the colors begin to reflect in the sky.  Any clouds nearby are illuminated with oranges, and pinks. Textured ribbons of brilliant clouds stretch out across the wide open sky.   As the sky changes so do the mountains, starting with a blush of pink then deepening into a misty purple before they become charcoal. All of this takes place to a chorus of birds singing their evening songs just before the main concert of the katydids.  The “quiet” of nature is evident as the sun completes its show with the grand finale of deep purples and shades of pink.  Then darkness settles over the mountains for the night.  While I do not like being displaced from my home, this back porch will prove to be an inspirational writing spot I am sure.  God is so good to me.

I told my kids a day or two without the internet would do them good.  They are on it too much anyway.  Now I am the one sitting in the parking lot of West Family Resturant on the computer!  I guess I am as attached as they are.  What was supposed to be a couple of days without being connected has turned into a week.  We will not be hooked up until next Tuesday.  Therefore if you need to communicate with us you will have to call our cell phones.  We will drive down to the parking lot periodically to try to check on things but if you do not hear from me for a few days you will know why.  God is still doing work and we are getting settled into our new place.  It has an awesome view...we are on Mt. Yonah in a vacation rental.  It has plenty of space for all of us...I can't remember if I had told you about it before or not.  My memory issues are being maxed out at the moment with all of the stuff going on. 

We have a house.  We moved into it today!  It is on Mt. Yonah and we have a beautiful view off of the back porch, a pool table  and a hot tub...(100 degrees outside is not the time to use it however)  Anyway, we are thrilled to be able to settle a bit.  The new place doesn't have internet yet however, so I will be out of pocket for a couple of days until they get us connected.  Stay tuned for more nuggets later in the week...