Ihit the wall yesterday.  Peoplehave been asking how I am holding up since the fire happened.  Until yesterday, I was holding thingstogether for the most part.  A fewtears here and there, but mostly just trying to move forward one step at a time.  Yesterday, moving day, I was excited tobe getting into a place we could settle. Anyone who knows me well can tell you my space is very important to me.  Even at school my office has to be justso…not neat, but arranged in a way that helps me be productive.  I like routine, and while I can gowithout it I go back to it whenever possible. 

When we went to sign our rentalcontract there were some things that were not what we had originally agreedupon.  Before we could sign weneeded approval from our insurance agent. Well for me, that was the straw that broke the camel’s back.  The water works started right there inthe meeting with our landlords. Bless them.  They had noidea what was happening as I completely lost it right there in front of them.  I tried going in the bathroom, but Icould not stop the tears.  Now wehave had enough traumas in our lives for me to recognize grief when ithits.  I also know that to stuff itdown is very unhealthy.  I neededto get away so I just walked out with tears streaming down my face.  I got in Hannah’s car and drove away,embarrassing the heck out of my family and the landlords.  I went to my own house…my safeplace…and wailed for a long time. 

I think that it comes down towanting a place for my family to be able to be together and rest.  I see school starting up ahead and Ijust want to be settled.  It islike a mother hen and her nest.  Asmuch as I appreciate Bill’s mom and dad allowing us to share their home, whenschool starts we need to be closer to all our activities.  I still have to do the inventory on ourlosses, the first one I spent days making was done incorrectly.  There is just so much from so manydirections and once school begins I will be up to my neck in RTI again!  The idea that I will be opening theschool year while looking for a place to live, working on fire losses,rebuilding a house, and moving my first child to college is overwhelming to me. It gives me a sense ofdesperation.

Yesterday I had to grieve.  I had to purge the pain of loosing myhome as it was.  There are probablymore tears…they feel close to the surface now that I have let them flow.  The feeling that I am not doing allthat I need to be doing, or that I am doing things wrong, or that I will neverget it all done just makes me that much more sensitive to the stress around me.I feel as fragile as an eggshell. I know that all of this is my own expectationof myself.  But this is what I amtalking about when I say I like my space and routine.  It gives me a sense of order in the midst of chaos.  Imagine being plucked from your restfulsummer and thrown into a complete disaster of moving twice in one week.  It is a nightmare that is flowing assmoothly as can be expected in such a situation.  Yesterday was snag.

To finish the story, we did notmove.  We do not think theinsurance company will agree to the terms in the contract, but will not knowfor sure until Monday.  In themeantime, we spent the rest of the day trying to find a place to rent.  Octoberfest is right around the cornerso we have been unsuccessful so far. There is a possible house we are going to look at today.  Going from having a nice little placeback into the hunt was difficult for me because it felt like we are movingbackwards.  All of my prayerbuddies out there please pray that we find something soon that will meet theneeds of our family.  (Also please pardon any spacing issues on this blog, somehow on the computer I am using it messesup in the transfer from word document to blog text.)   

     We could use your prayers today.  It is adjustor day.  I think that means the guys that come tell us if something is a loss or it is reparable.  We have heard this can be a stressful time and many people say they had to argue with the adjustor to get some things counted as loss. (hmmmm....maybe another nugget...I have heard counted as loss before in the Bible) I am believing and praying that we will come to agreement easily so that we can move forward.  We do not want to take advantage of the insurance company and upgrade everything in our house...we just want it back the way it was.  We also sign the contract for our rental today, then move tomorrow.  Hopefully then things at the house will settle down and we can find some days to be kind of normal before school starts.  I hope so because next week I have a full calendar of eye doctor appointments, orthodontist appointments, etc...  

I do not know why the spacing is off on my latest post...my computer is being fixed so I am using a different one.  I have tried to edit and fix but it will not show my changes for some reason so you will get a lesson on what it feels like to have reading problems!

I do not know why the spacing is off on my latest post...my computer is being fixed so I am using a different one.  I have tried to edit and fix but it will not show my changes for some reason so you will get a lesson on what it feels like to have reading problems!

Yesterday was a busy day once again.  This is starting to feel alot like work!  Get up at the crack of dawn and work until 5 or so. Then go to the Gunnins and try to work some more.  I never feel like it when we get back because I am so drained from being in the heat all day. The house feels and smells like an oven.  We drink a ton of water but still the sweat pours off and I am sticky and smelly when I get back.  I try to jump in the pool and swim a few laps in the evening with the boys.  It has been one of the refreshing things about all of this, to spend time in the pool with them. 

Anyway, we moved the computers and assorted printers out yesterday. For reference, in case you ever have a disaster in your home, think about your specialty items that will need more than just an outside cleaning.  Figure out where they would need to be taken and write down the number and name of that place.  You could also list each item that would have to go there.  This one little thing would help you a ton! We will be taking TV’s, DVD players, CD players, and Ipod docks today.  Tomorrow the musical electronics go out.  This is a hassle no doubt, but in the end we will know exactly what we have and everything will be fixed and running. Hurray!

One thing we had to do yesterday was to sign the application for the building permit.  I thought it was interesting that we have to give permission before the rebuilding can start. Another nugget.  In our lives when we want God to start re-building from our mess we have to give him permission.  He does not just come in and start the process on his own, we have to ask and then submit to his work.  We trust him to know what needs to be done.  He is the man with the plan.  Our lives are his expertise.  The first step of this rebuilding???  Demolition.  Yikes!  That sounds scary when you are talking about our hearts!  However, the Lord knows exactly how much of our foundation is damaged.  He also knows the point of impact and he is not afraid to go there and rip out the root problems. In the end we will receive a new and better life that does not stink.  It will be worth the pain,but in the meantime he has to rip and tear and demolish the problem areas.  He will not do that without our permission because it takes courage to survive that kind of godly destruction.  To stand there and watch our lives being apparently destroyed is tough.  The emotions that are involved in this kind of healing work are exhausting.  BUT this is why the bible says that in your weakness he will be strong, and his grace is sufficient.   Like any good builder he knows what the finished product will be.  He knows that the demo is necessary to have quality and safety in the future.  He is completely trustworthy with your soul. The question is do you know that? In our minds it is a risk to let him take a sledgehammer to our hearts.  It requires faith and trust in his goodness.  It requires knowing that he is for your freedom. It requires knowing him.

A productive day...more inventory, a new disaster bank account, a storage space, and a post office box.  It is exhausting on less than adequate sleep, but we are moving forward.  Tomorrow the cleaning crew should be complete with all that they are taking from the house.  The basement will be empty...no carpet, nothing.  It is an empty shell, ready for the next step...demo.  They will be ripping out the walls soon, and the ceiling and floors.  A new thing...

I have decided to keep a list.  Maybe listing all that we own, for the insurance company, has rubbed off.  During a tragedy there are so many hardships that your head sometimes forgets to look at the bright side.  Overwhelming details crowd your thoughts clamoring for your attention. I try to be a glass half full kind of a person, because I believe with all my heart that God is in everything.  He uses every circumstance in some way for his glory.  By looking for his fingerprints in bad situations, I am exercising my faith and belief that he is a good God.  So far, I have never been disappointed.  He is always there. Even if it takes some time to see him, he is often working in ways that I cannot comprehend until much later.  The depth of insight into his character is most evident in hardship.  Some may say that the items on my list are purely coincidence.  I beg to differ.  When there are this many coincidences I look up to Jehovah Jira, the provider…of miracles.

The Miracle List

1.                          We were home.  Normally we would have already left for church but I decided I needed some peanut butter and crackers before we left so we could wait and eat dinner after church.

2.                          We smelled the smoke and were looking for it before we ever saw it.

3.                          Two of the firemen from the volunteer fire department “just happened” to be at the station when the call came in.

4.                          Half of my family was not home when it happened which allowed more time to get fewer people out unharmed.

5.                          It did not happen while we were sleeping.

6.                          We caught it early enough that the whole house didn’t burn to the ground.

7.                          The landlords we are renting from were in need of some cash flow since they are a builder and a real estate agent in this slow market.  They were trusting God to provide them with renters.

8.                          We found the house even though it was NOT in the rental market.

9.                          The setting is on peaceful land rather than in Helen traffic.

10.                      My regular cleaning lady lost my house but gained business from my new landlords.  She was trusting God to provide her more homes to clean.

11.                      Our builder was in need of an additional job that started immediately because of the slow market. 

12.                      We were able to get the temporary power pole in one day.

13.                      This happened BEFORE school started.

14.                      To be continued….

     Today was an emotional day...a few tears came forth when I was told I had to inventory every item in the house. (It was like RTI only worse!)  Not only that, but I had to tell the serial number/brand/model number, where we bought the item,  how many years we owned it, and how much it cost now.  That was enough to do me in.  I had to take a breather for a few minutes and collapse.  Then back at it doing the best I could to comply.  The good news is that the cleaning company came and began the clean up.  They packed up and removed almost everything downstairs.  Then they pulled out most of the carpet.  The smell was worse than before while they were taking the carpet out.  Man, what a gross smelling mess.  They are going to be drying out the walls and floors so the mildew doesn't spread.  They will be working for at least 2 more days to complete this very tedious work.  My hats off to them...I think they need to be on Dirtiest Jobs. My dad came and deliver our instruments to two different places for repair and cleaning.  One was in Atlanta, so it was quite a day for him.  (Thanks Dad)  Bill's mom watched the kids all day...and fixed dinner!  (Thanks Nannie)  This would not be possible if not for our family support.  My friend commented today on how blessed we are to have so much help.  I heartily agreed.  We have an incredible support system and we have used with every trauma we have faced! 
    In the meantime, we found a cute house to rent.  It is on three acres and has a little creek with a bridge and a pond.  Lots of room for kids and dogs to play, plenty of parking space and a bed for every one.  It is not nearly as big as our house but it is newly refurbished and it was done beautifully.  It was really a miracle we found it because with Octoberfest coming up all the rentals we called on were already booked.  It is not in Helen but on Duncan Bridge Road.  That means that the leaf traffic will not be as big of an issue.  We are relieved about this and it takes a huge load off to know where we will be living.  Our plan is to move in this weekend...probably Saturday.  I will be continuing the inventory of the house for the next few days.  I am thrilled we are moving forward!  It seems like a month since last week!  Thanks for the prayers and keep it up...we are seeing miracles.

            When you ask the Lord to stop the fire, he does.  Immediately.  There is no condition.  The firemen do not stop to ask detailed questions about how the fire started.  They put it out.  The damage on the other hand, remains.  And boy is there damage.  I think in our lives many times we cry out to Jesus to save us from the fire, but then we let the mess remain. Or, we try to clean it up ourselves.  Let me tell you if I had to clean the disaster at my house right now I would get depressed!  It is overwhelming to think of handling this mess on my own.  My other option is to ignore it and keep living in a toxic environment.

 In our spiritual lives we have the same choices; fix our broken lives on our own, or act as if everything is fine.  Another option is to ask for help.  The Lord has put some pretty special people around that specialize in cleaning up messes.  They are professionals, gifted by God to recognize the root and the subsequent damage. He gifted them for the specific purpose of cleaning up the harm that comes from fire.  Just like the cleaning company that is going to remove the soot and mildew from my house, counselors help make sense of the mess in order to eliminate it because the bigger the fire the more chaos. 

As a believer, if there is something that is preventing me from freedom, I will not be free if I continue to operate in the same way. We had to move out of our house because it is not safe to remain there.  Moving to a different place is required when there is destruction.  You have heard that an alcoholic doesn’t need to remain in a bar.  It is not a matter of God forbidding or trying to say you cannot have fun, it is a matter of rebuilding.  When there is sin and it does its insidious work, sometimes the only way to rebuild is to relocate away from the damage.  I am not talking about a physical move, but a mental one.  It is retraining thoughts and the habitual actions that come from them.  It doesn’t matter which freedom blocker…gossip, envy, unforgiveness, slander, adultery…the list goes on and on.  The moving away from disaster, and the professional help, begin the rebuilding of a life. 

The Lord oversees this whole process and leads us down a path of reflection.  Now is the time to get detailed about how the fire started.  Now is the time to assess the damages and see how far the destruction spread within the walls.  Now is the time to demolish the remaining walls and remove the toxic debris.  It is a purging and the Lord is ruthless…and kind…in his pruning of unwanted freedom blockers.  He does not stop until the last vestiges of the putrid smell are gone.  We, of course, can choose to start the fire again, or abandon the process of healing along the way, but HIS heart is for us to have the courage to let him complete the work he started.  He will give us the faith to stand in the midst of our mess…it is humbling…and sometimes embarrassing, but it is also freeing!  If we could just remember the freedom that comes when our sin is removed we would not fight it so hard the next time we fall!  To be washed whiter than snow is one of the great benefits of faith in Christ.  It is a mystery to be sure.  What kind of love does this great work in us with such patience and kind understanding?  Amazing love.