God is mysterious. I have always felt that he prefers to keep his secrets to himself. My reasoning is that he desires us to draw near to him, what better way than to play a little hide and seek. When I am unclear on a life choice, I seek. When I don’t understand a scripture, I seek. When I am in a dark place, I seek. Sometimes he doesn’t come immediately on my command. Imagine that! So, I seek more. I dig deeper. I cry out louder. Until, like a toddler, I wear myself out. I give up in frustration. I think I am abandoned or rejected. Once I am settled into my pity party on the floor, he tiptoes into the room. He lifts me up onto his lap. And he tells me his secrets, which always involve how much he delights in me…despite my toddlerhood.

When I begin to open my ears and close my mouth, the doors to his treasures open; not earthly treasures. He shares what he values with me. His thoughts and his heart swing wide and allow me inside. I begin to have his eyes. It is a mystery to me…always. Why would the God of the universe trust me with his heart? As a human I am not particularly trustworthy. Yet, the unknown is found. The hard to explain becomes explainable.

It’s like a light bulb goes off in my mind and suddenly all the wrestling ceases. I just know. I understand. I see. Not out of my own understanding. In fact, there is no way I could know, yet I do. Some people call it a word of knowledge. Or a word of encouragement. Or a word of prophecy. I call it a mystery. Blows my mind. Every. Time.  

The stumbling block to having a mysterious relationship with God is my certainty. When I am sure I know all of God’s ways, when I am convinced my interpretation of scripture is the only one that is correct, when I think I know what he desires for all the people around me. I am confident. I say, “I am not going to compromise my faith.” That sounds quite noble, doesn’t it? I will not let anyone sway me or what I think. Not even God. Yikes! When I put it like that, I need to do a double take.

 My problem is that I do not seek him when I “know.”  Because…well…I know. I don’t need to ask. And while I am busy spouting off all my knowledge of God and trying to “share” his ways with others…it is then, that he goes into hiding. I don’t even miss his presence because I am so sure he and I are in agreement.

So, I am pontificating and he is nowhere to be found. He is waiting for me to notice. I don’t. My certainty doesn’t allow for me to see he is missing. Then I wonder why I feel so distant from him. Why he doesn’t clarify when I ask for his help…oh wait, I did I ask? I certainly meant to. I am sure he must agree with me, my friends do, mostly. I think.

Here is the crossroads do I choose certainty in this moment or do I go find him? Do I search the deep mysteries, or do I select the comfortable, easier route? What if his mysteries reveal I don’t know as much about him as I thought I did? What if he shows me, I have missed him in some way or another? What then? What if I can’t find him? What if he is so hidden it takes a long time to seek him out?

Certainty is so much easier I think, don’t you? The older I get the more I prefer certainty. Yet, my God is a God of movement. Flow. Always the same but always moving. A mystery. He doesn’t change, but I do. Or I should. To be more like him. To grow. To mature. Instead, I pretend to know all there is to know about him. My little pea brain tricks me into believing I understand his ways. However, I honestly feel, the older I get, the less I know. It is an endless pursuit that will take eternity in his presence to unravel.

Until then, his favorite mystery to show me is how my certainty is hindering his work. How it is misrepresenting him. Just when I think I have him figured out, he shows up, blows my mind, and untangles the threads I have been clinging to. Then asks me to seek him all over again and reminds me that he is God and I am not.