I didn’t think of it. Not at all. I knew to prepare myself for some grief on Mom and Dad’s birthdays. I knew those days would be hard ones. What I didn’t consider was how Sneaky Grief would affect me on my own birthday. Leading up to it I had been thinking of them more than usual. However, I am busy these days, so I missed the red flag.

When the day arrived and I had a physical longing that was so strong it broadsided me. I am not talking about Weeping Sorrow Grief. She comes in the acute moments right after the loss. I am not talking about Depression Grief that steals your motivation in the weeks and months that follow the loss. No, this is Sneaky Grief and she stays with you long after you have “processed” your loss.

Sneaky Grief jumps out from behind the bushes to say, “Boo!” when you least expect it. She startles you with her arrival. She inhabits the senses; smells, sights, sounds, touches, and tastes. And evidently…birthdays. She is the yearning for a hug. The aching for a phone call. The heart hurt for what was amid the what is.

The thing about Sneaky Grief is she can cohabitate with Joy. Celebration is her friend. She gets along with all the happy emotions and so she can pop up at the happiest times. You would think I would know this by now because this isn’t my first rodeo. I have lost others and learned that the bitter emotions that come with the whole Grief family can mix right in with the sweet ones.

Also, this isn’t my first birthday since the losses. Yet, it is the first one that Sneaky Grief popped in on. Rather than struggling to remove her, I decided to work with her instead. Bill and I went to Highlands. We stopped at Edelweiss bakery. A place Mom would have loved! Their pastries are like edible sculpture. Special occasion kind of pastries. Then, we drove by Mom and Dad’s Highlands house. It looks just the same. Mom in house form. Lots of happy taste and sound memories there. Sneaky Grief loves that place.

Then we took a walk through the botanical gardens. One of Dad’s favorite places to photograph flowers because it was walking distance from the house. It was a beautiful day. Low 70s, just the right amount of overcast. The cardinals were especially chatty as we made a loop around the lake trail. The lily pads were blooming. One of Dad’s favorite subjects to photograph. Sneaky Grief was a bit weighty, but she brought along her friends Gratefulness and Joy, so there were many smiles along the path.

We left then. Headed back down the mountain. Stopped by Dillard to pick up lunch. No big steak dinner for me, just some of the best BBQ around and I am a happy birthday girl. Sneaky Grief stayed for a bit longer and then, having had her say, she faded back into the scenery and let Joy take the front seat. The rest of the day was busy. Phone calls and texts from the kids. Friends visiting for a few days. All my FB friends sending well wishes. I did some more shopping for the wedding, which is in 2 weeks! So much to celebrate.

One more candle is always such an astonishing thing for me. Since my cancer. and the reality that another candle is never guaranteed, I am thrilled to get to add another one every year…with or without Sneaky Grief coming to the party.