I haven’t been completely honest with you. Oh, I was honest about coming off of my cholesterol meds. I was honest about cutting my diabetes meds in half. The CA125 (tumor blood test) really was half of what it was last time I had it. All of my blood results really did amaze my doctors; however, I never mentioned my CT scan results. You probably didn’t notice that little detail amongst the good news and that was my hope, because I have been wrestling with what my doctor said about what he saw. A spot. Maybe a cyst. Maybe a tumor. On my liver. Non-conclusive. Wasn’t there before on any other scans. Need another scan. Most likely not cancer since blood work is good. Can’t be sure. No biopsy yet. Give it time. Compare the scans. Go from there. Maybe nothing. Maybe something. We’ll talk.
My mind only heard short snippets, because it was racing. The one day in four years, I tell Bill not to come with me I get this report. Not necessarily a bad one, but not the all clear I had gotten so used to hearing. The tears kicked in while telling Bill that in October our lives may, or may not turn upside down once again. All the while, my head is screaming at me, “You cannot live without your liver!” The fear of four years ago rose up its hideous head again. My husband, champion that he is, calmed me. He pointed out that I have no other symptoms, that my tumor marker is going DOWN not up, that if the doctor thought it was liver cancer he would not be waiting to do another scan in three months he would be doing it tomorrow. That day, it was enough.
Since then I had decided since we did not really know anything there was no reason to talk about the results. If you don’t say it out loud it isn’t real…right? Plus, it would be unfair to worry everyone over something that may be nothing. Go on with life as if nothing is different…pretend…seemed like a plan until Bill and I were discussing whether to tell the kids or not. I was for not saying anything to anyone. Then God spoke to me through my husband… “But at the beginning didn’t God say to be transparent and vulnerable?” Ummmm, yeah. So I went back to the beginning and read my first two blogs and God spoke to me again. “How will my children ever be authentic if they continue to hide their hearts from one another? How will I be revealed if everyone thinks that you don’t have struggles and hardships to deal with? How will my people get to bless you and pray for you if you never tell them your need?” The questions were for my benefit because he already knows the answers. He reminded me that these questions are why I cry into a microphone when I share my testimony on a stage. They are why I share from the depth of my pain even though it is difficult to let others see my weakness and faults.
I am here again at the beginning with a choice to make. I tell you now, so you will see the glory of the Lord working in my life. I must tell you I am afraid. I am also hopeful. I can promise you I will vacillate between stress and faith while I wait three months to find out if there is another time bomb inside of me. But I will also treasure life, because in reality that is what cancer teaches you. The fact is you may also have a time bomb, you are just not aware of it. So living fully everyday is critical. Cherishing every opportunity to take a breath is imperative. My fitness journey will continue as is. I WILL walk the 3-day in October no matter what. Staying transparent and vulnerable is an act of obedience for me. The results of the scan in three months do not matter as much as this moment. I plan to camp out in the secret place of the most high and hear his whispers to me as I wait. I would appreciate your prayers in this walk of faith.
(If you want to re-read my earlier blogs go to http://www.mgunnin.blog.com go to the archives and read the first two way back in August 2006. They are titled The Starting Place, and Courage.)