Thanks so much for the prayers during my test today.  As is true most of the time, the fear of the test was much worse than the test itself.  I did not loose it or meltdown today and I attribute that to your prayers. 

We waited in line to register, then waited in line at the radiology dept.  Finally they took us back and I was fairly calm...on the outside at least.  Then the doc came in and explained the proceedure to us.  He said there was no need for an IV.  The last time I had a dye test it had to be administered by IV so I assumed that would be true here as well...I was wrong!!  What a relief. They told me how they were going to access my port using an floriscope.  That means they are watching on a screen as they access it so they don't miss!  That sounded doable to me so I was able to relax a little. 

He went through all of the possible problems they would be looking for including, a kink, a crack, that is was turned around, that my body had rejected it, that it had come out of my vein, etc...  Some of these things could be fixed while they were working but some would mean taking out the port and putting in a new one.  I tried to think positive thoughts.  Then they were ready to take me and told me that Bill couldn't go with me!  I asked please, please to no avail. 

So I was put on a table with a big machine hanging over me.  They lined everything up and told me to hold my breath...ouch it hurt while it was going in.  But once is was in they were able to do everything quickly.  They said it had old blood in it...that is cause for infection so it was a good thing we had this procedure done before it got infected.  That was from last chemo when they thought they had it then it popped out and they had to try again.  They never were able to get it so therefore they didn't get to flush it out as normal. 

The next thing they told me was that it was functioning properly and that it wasn't kinked, turned or otherwise broken.  It was still attached.  The only thing was that it is slightly tilted but that should not be a problem now that we know which way it is tilted.  It is also deep because it is in soft tissue (that is a nice way to say fat)  That means it has settled in deeper than they originally put it.  That is easily fixed...by using a long needle!  Yes that is what they said, if the needle is longer it can get deep enough to access it.  So the good news it no problem with the port.  The bad news is that the needle will have to go deeper.

The doc called my chemo nurse and told her exactly how to do it next time... that will be the true test.

At 8:45 I will be having a dye test to find out what is going on with my port.  My request is for prayer.  Medical tests aren't my favorite thing, as you all know.  My emotions are as much of the problem as the test itself.  I plan to have my anxiety medicine before I go but as usual the fear of the unknown is the worst part.  Bill is going to be with me...my rock.  I will fill you all in once we know something.  Thanks for covering me...and Bill.

I heard a message on God’s grace today.  It was good, as are all messages on grace.  It is such a deep, simple concept…one of the awesome dichotomies that is God.  No matter how much you learn about it, there is always more and yet, it is the same as the first time you heard it.  Only God is able to be so rich in understanding. 

You see, when I learned about grace, I was a child.  It is, after all that simple.  Then as God began to get a hold of my heart in my relationship with him, he began to unravel this great mystery.  I think that every person has one or two truths about God that he teaches him or her in depth.  You might call it a life lesson.  Some people have a deep understanding of the kindness of God.  For others it might be the wisdom, or his righteousness.  Of course, he is always teaching us, through every event and circumstance in life. 

Grace is one of my life lessons. I learned it through wounding people with the superior attitudes of youth.  I could write a book about my many lessons in the amazing grace of God for his children.  You see, grace only begins at salvation.  That is the first lesson of grace, but once you are “in him”, the lessons continue because his goal is for you to be like Christ.  The idea that Christ died for my judgmental heart is indeed an amazing thing.  I can easily see his grace for a sinner that does not know any better than to sin.  I can accept that for my own heart, but for him to continually extend grace for my ongoing attitudes, when I know his heart on a matter but choose to ignore it…well that is unbelievable to me.  I think for many of us it is hard to grasp this fact and that is why it is so easy to work to perform for him.  It saves us the pain of allowing him to pour out his blood for our ugliness.  In that place, all we can do is stand in his presence.  It is uncomfortable to know that he knows our secret motives.  It is embarrassing to know that he sees deeply into our hearts and still loves us.  It is humiliating to have his gaze upon the blackness of your heart only to have him wipe that same blackness away in the blink of an eye.  In my mind, I never deserve such treatment and yet that is the power of his Grace.

Today’s scripture reference was Ephesians 2: 4-10.  The points were all P’s, progression, position, presentation, primacy, and proof. All of these P’s, of course, are true and align well with the scripture at hand.  There was one P however, that I wanted to add…Power, because without the power we would all be forever lost.

  It is the power of grace that allows a son to return to his fathers waiting open arms.  Grace is the reason that husbands and wives commit to stay together when times are tough. It is the power of grace that allows a father to ask his children’s forgiveness for wrongs committed. Grace is the force that allows families to be reconciled after divisions.  It is the power of grace that allows an alcoholic to experience freedom.  Mothers experience grace’s power while waiting for wayward children to return home. Grace is the power behind overcoming tragedy.  It is the power of grace that allows you to look cancer in the face and overcome.  For me, life is about the power of grace.  They are synonymous.  Every day there is a lesson of grace to learn…and it is amazing.

I am doing okay today.  I have slept alot and shopped a little with the boys...we only have shorts so since it is getting cold lately it was time to shop.  I don't feel great and I am still a little achey but overall I am able to get around.  It does seem to be taking a bit longer to bounce back this time but a little longer for my bad day to start.  So it is not much worse than last time only a little longer.  In some ways it isn't as bad...the symptoms are not as pronounced other than the achey feeling.  The shot also added to that so that may be why it is lasting a bit longer.  I had a massage yesterday so I do feel more relaxed and less tense.  That is a good thing. 

I live at the foot of a mountain and I love it.  I bask in the views all around me each day as I go to work or play.  I love to watch the mist rise in the morning casting shadows and rainbows across the ridges and valleys.  It is a wonderful place.  Somehow, it calls my attention to God in a way that I cannot describe. I think it is the steadfastness of the mountains that makes me feel the awesome power that Moses must have felt as he climbed to seek God face to face. 

The weather today was so gorgeous that I was drawn to nature again.  So many times the Lord speaks to me through the beauty of creation.  The leaves are just starting to turn on the mountain and that gives off a slightly orange hue as the sun shines down on the trees.  The sky is a crisp clear blue with wispy white clouds that move slowly across the blue expanse.  I am struck by how the mountain, though it changes, is always there.  It does not move. It is solid and steadfast.  If my life is turned upside down, the mountain is there.  It towers over me reminding me that God is immovable.  He does not change or blow away with the wind.  When I take the beauty around me for granted, God is faithful to remain visible to me…in the mountain. 

Today is a yucky day.  I don't feel very good but I want to do things that need to be done.  I don't have the energy to do them...so I don't...I just look at all I would like to do and wish the energy was there.  I don't feel like eating but I have to.  It is soup mostly and these really good smoothies made with cottage cheese and berries.  I slept until10:30 and showered only to be tired again.  I am sore and have a headache.  I take tylenol for both problems...and maybe a nap?  I think the soreness was worse this morning than now so maybe it is lifting already.  I can walk and talk and sit and rest...but beyond that I am not up to much.  Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

My favorite season is the fall.  The crisp air and the colorful leaves call me out of the house and into nature.  I think of winding mountain roads, antique stores, and roadside stands with the smell of boiled peanuts.  I love to hike to waterfalls with a picnic and to go to fall festivals to stroll through the booths in search of some great deal.  The cooler weather has been wonderful this week as the leaves begin to change here in the mountains.  I find myself excited about the change of seasons.  I have been feeling good, so evening walks are a great outlet…as long as they are on flat ground. 

It has not been lost on me that the leaves are falling at the same time as my hair is falling out.  Somehow, God has a sense of humor even in the seasons of my life.  My hair will fall out in the fall and I will be bare in the winter.  In the spring, my new hair will sprout.  Even in God’s humor, I find myself hopeful because the seasons always change.  I will not be stuck in one season…one always follows the other.  A season of loss will always be followed by a season of growth.  Seasons are linked to one another both in nature and in life.  That in itself is reason to look forward.  I am going to enjoy each season as I press through.  I am not going to let my current exhaustion hold me back from this autumn season.  I will rest when I need to and continue to enjoy the fall even as my hair falls out.  I am committed to allow this cycle of life to cause new growth in my life…and I can’t wait for the spring!

I am feeling pretty good today.  I worked out at curves this morning.  I felt like I had energy and wanted to clean house...but then I got home and didn't do it.  I rested instead.  I went to do a presentation tonight for a masters class at North Ga. with some teachers from our school. It was fun but I am wiped out.  No pain yet!!! That is a good thing.  Right now I am just tired.  I go get my shot tomorrow to up my white count. 

Jessica came to visit during chemo yesterday and she sent me these pictures.  Click on the View from the Chair album in the sidebar.  She is my offical photojournalist...since I would never take pictures of myself!  I haven't had the courage to let her take a bald one yet...why should I since my wig looks so great!  Maybe once I get used to the shiny look I will post one...we will see.

I had a meltdown today.  It seems that my port is difficult to find…just like my veins.  After trying several times it was too inflamed to get it soooooo guess what?  They had to find an IV sight.  It was between my wrist and my hand once they got it…it took awhile but only one collapse then they were in.  The problem was that every time I moved my right hand the tube kinked and the machine hovering over me beeped that I was not getting my full dose.  So I had to keep my right hand immobilized the whole time, meaning that Bill, God bless him, had to help me in the bathroom…it is hard to use only your left hand, you should try it sometime.  On top of all of this my dam broke and I couldn’t stop crying.  I have had enough of this stuff already!  If they could just get it in easily it wouldn’t be so bad but this needle thing is tormenting me…and my fears. 

Once I was all connected and had swallowed the anxiety medicine they put under my tongue I felt much better. 

I saw the doc today and he says I am healing both internally and externally.  That was good to hear.  He worked on my incision some but by now I had benedryl pulsing through my veins so I was a happy, groggy camper.  He also removed a mole from under my armpit because the chemo had made it irritated.  One shot of pain killer and he knifed it right off.  All in all he said my blood looked good and I am healing!!  Good report. The medicines went in today with much less effects.  I was good and groggy but it didn’t burn or tingle like last time. I did have to have an insulin shot…Bill had fun doing it for me. My white count was in the low normal rage and while that is good for this treatment, it will not come up enough by next treatment so I have to go to the hospital Wed. for a shot.  Next week I return to the hospital for a test to find my port…they shoot dye in my body and see how it goes through the port.  They say they may be able to manipulate it while they are watching it…I don’t know about you but that sounds like a double anxiety pill day to me!

My friend Jessica came today to sit with me and visit.  I think I was kind of out of it some of the time but it was nice to attempt a conversation!  She is one of my greatest cheerleaders.  She took some pictures and so I should have some posted soon…with the wig.  Maybe later I will get up my nerve to show you my shiny head…but not today. 

I also had some beautiful music my husband put on a CD for me to listen to.  He has been meaning to record some of his music for years and now I finally have it. (Thanks Heather for pushing him to get it done.)  I slept to that peaceful music as I rested.  It makes me feel like I am home and far away from needles and medicines.  It draws me to the Lord…even in the midst of a difficult day. It was a wonderful blessing.  Now to bed to sleep this day away and start another one tomorrow in the beautiful weather we are having!  One day at a time….

Pray for my kids...two are fighting sinus infections and sore throats.  That could be bad for me if I pick up the germs.  Also I have chemo tomorrow.  I dread it but know that it will be one more behind me.  Dad is better, Bill's dad is better.  That is a relief for all.  Your prayers are being answered daily around here and I love to see how God listens to all of you.  He is faithful to answer you when you ask him on my behalf.  We are grateful for all of our praying friends!