The nature of God is such a huge topic it is overwhelming to try to fathom it.  But I heard a tape recently that has sparked my mind into action.  I am trying to get my mind around the depth of God’s amazing character; after all if I am going to be transformed into the image of Christ I should know what that means exactly.  When I think of his nature, I think of grace, joy, peace, love, righteousness, compassion, goodness and about a million other traits of his that I would like to have.  Some of these areas have been made real to me over the years as I have walked with him through life.  Others I still struggle to comprehend fully. 

The tape I heard talked about how our actions reflect how much of God’s nature we understand.  If we really have an understanding of his grace, forgiving others will come more easily for us.  If we really know his love for us, our insecurity and fear of rejection will not be an issue.  The key is seeing what areas we struggle in…that is the place we need a new revelation of God’s nature and each new circumstance of life is an opportunity to grow in that place.  For example, if you get cancer it is an opportunity to grow in the nature of God’s sovereignty and to gain a revelation of his healing.  It can strengthen the areas you already know of him, like facing the fear with the reality of his love for you.  Knowing his kindness dispels the idea that he is a God that strikes us down with disease. He is good, therefore what he does in my life is also good.  His nature is unending.  His character is immeasurable.  That gives us unlimited opportunities to experience who he is…for now and for eternity. 

I have good news and bad news today...the bad first.  My dad was taken to the hospital again today.  He woke feeling light headed.  He recognized the signs of high blood pressure and took some medicine...nothing.  Thought it might be his heart, so he took some nitro...better.  Went to the hospital for the day.  Eventually they found another blood pressure medicine that got his blood pressure under control.  The heart guy says sometimes after the proceedure he had this week blood pressure spikes a few days after.  Now that he has medicine and is under control he is on his way home...

The good news is that they called today and said my blood work looked fine...no shots!  I get to have treatment as scheduled which keeps me on the schedule to be finished by Christmas.  That is a big relief for me.  I am not exactly looking forward to treatment, but after Monday that is one less treatment I will have to have!  I am moving forward ever so slowly.  I am feeling pretty good...I can finish this race because God is good...more on that later...

My hair is falling out.  My scalp is hurting, kind of like a bad sunburn.  I look like a patch work quilt with alternating hairless areas stuck between the sploches of hair that are 1/4 inch long.  It is quite an interesting look. I was just getting used to having a crew cut and now this. Let's just say I am glad that I have such a great wig!  It is alarming to look down and see eyelashes and eyebrows all over the front of my shirt.  I knew it was coming and overall it hasn't really shaken me but it is kind of sad to see it actually happen in front of my eyes.  I am glad that I had it shaved early because it gave me a chance to get used to it being super short before I became shiny.  I choose see it as part of the process of healing.  When I look at it like that I can get through it...with a smile and a laugh. 

I learned how to give myself insulin shots today.  I didn’t actually have to do it to myself but I did give a shot to a little rubber pad.  The needles are very small…that doesn’t help me too much.  It still has to go into my skin.  Bill learned too just in case I chicken out.  I think I will be able to do this.  I didn’t think I could prick my finger several times a day either but now it is no problem.  The first time will be the worst…after that it will be easier.  The good news is that I will probably only have to do this for a day maybe two.  After that it goes back down.  After all of this treatment I should be able to control my sugar with diet and this is definitely motivation to stick with it.  Tomorrow I have blood work that will show if I have to have more shots or if I can go ahead with my treatment on Monday.  The lab will probably take a day to process.  They are supposed to call me and let me know if I have to go on Monday or not…before we make the drive down.

I discovered my secret place many years ago when Bill was in the hospital.  It is a place that was born out of desperation.  You know, when the only prayer you can utter is “Help!”  It is the place where I give it all up and cry out to God and he, in his faithful way, comes in and carries me.  Like the child in the storm yesterday, I rest in this place.  I am at peace as I listen to the Father’s heart for me.  In this place I hear his voice.  I know his love and grace.   

Over the years I have found that this place isn’t just for traumatic times…though it is especially sweet then.  I can go there whenever I sit and rest in the Lord.  Worship transports me there.  Prayer is another way to find it.  I think that God wants us to sit and wait on him.  He just wants to be with us because his love for us is so great.  If I wait on him, he comes to me.  He lets me lean on his chest and hear his heartbeat of compassion for me, for others, and for the world.  It is amazing that the creator of the universe wants to spend time with me and it is then that I see and hear from him.  It is then that I am quiet and in the silence he speaks.  My secret place is a treasure that was discovered in the midst of a storm.  There were no words.  There was no strength…only tears. I thank God for that storm and the secret place it revealed that I can go to in every storm that has followed...including this one.

After yesterday’s storm what a beautiful day today!  Fall is here and that is my favorite time of the year.  God is so faithful to bring us through the rough stuff.  Today my dad came home from the hospital.  He is doing well and I am glad of that. I worked a full day today.  Tomorrow I get to learn how to give myself insulin shots…yeah! (Chemo makes my blood sugar go up for a couple of days.)  On and on it goes this medical nightmare of mine.  Bill says it is so I will realize that I can do anything.  I figure he’s right.  If I can give myself shots I can do anything, since needles are my most hated enemy!  I know that I will do what I have to because…I have to.  Thursday I have to have more blood work.  If my white count is too low I will have to have more shots…are you getting the theme here???  (Maybe there is a metaphor?)  That could delay my next treatment a week or so.  My prayer is that all my counts are good so I can go in Monday as scheduled for my next treatment...without more shots!

           I sit on my screened porch and listen to the rain pouring down.  I am fascinated by storms.  I don’t know why exactly; maybe it is the flash of the lightening or the crash of the thunder.  Somehow it is comforting me to me to sit and listen to the rain rolling off of the trees while the thunder echoes off the mountains around me, as long as it isn’t too close. When the storm closes in and is right on top of the house…then I am nervous because there is power in the storm.  That power can destroy.  It can be frightening.

Lately, life is like the storm.  It is powerful and right on top of us.  Not just my cancer, but heart related issues in both of our dads, Bill’s mom’s cancer, my mom’s surgery and my grandmother’s death.  Storms of life are powerful and they are frightening.  Gone is the comfort of a lazy rain with distant rumbles of thunder.  The lightening is so frequent there are flashes of darkness immediately followed by what sounds like a bomb that shakes everything.  My desire in the storm is to find a safe place to run and hide, to get away from the noise and the danger.  Yet, here I am, in the storm that doesn’t seem to let up…until I find my refuge in the Lord.  Then, even though the storm rages around me, I am safe.  I run into his arms just as a child runs and climbs under the covers of his parent’s bed in a thunderstorm.  There in the middle of the bed he falls asleep, no longer afraid of the danger. 

The Lord is my refuge and my strength.  He is my strong tower to whom I run because I know the storm won’t last forever.  While it bombards me and my family, he will be our strength.  After the storm, the sun will come out.  There will be clean, fresh air, it will be cool and the sun will seem more brilliant than before.  The green will be greener, and the blue of the sky bluer.  All will be right again…but better.  I am waiting for the rainbow.  It is his promise.

Answered Prayers:

Dad is doing well after having a stint put in today.  He hopes to go home tomorrow.  Bill's dad is doing well after having his pacemaker put in on Thursday.  All of us are hanging on to the strength of God...and the prayers of our friends. 🙂

I have had a bad day today.  I am not sure if it is the chemo or if I am getting sick.  It started yesterday on our way home with upset stomach...then in the night the aches came.  I haven't felt good all day.  I haven't even changed into real clothes.  We will call tomorrow to see what the doctors say...if this is normal or if this feeling is the beginning of some kind of infection.  So far there is no fever so at least for now there doesn't appear to be an infection.

Also my dad was taken to the hospital on Friday with heart problems.  He has been at St. Joseph's for the weekend and they will be doing a catherization (sp) tomorrow.  I would appreciate your prayers for him as our family continues to try to hold together through medical stress!

Today I had bloodwork done...but they don't have the results.  It is day 10 so my counts are all supposed to be at their lowest.  So from now until my next treatment on the 25th I have to concentrate on pumping up my immune system by eating all the right foods and getting some exercise.  I am going to be so much healthier after this is all over.  So far I have lost 32 pounds.  When I go places people look confused because they expect to see me looking very sick and I actually look healthier than I have in a long time.  I attribute that to my sugar being under control.  My wig is so natural it is hard to tell it is a wig if you don't look closely so all in all I am doing good. 

I have had a small amount of bone pain in the night, but I just sleep in on those days and once I am rested I feel fine.  I am starting to feel good enough that I am in danger of overdoing it.  I realize my weakness in this area however, and so does my watchdog husband.  He is very diligent to make sure I am not doing too much.  I feel it when I do...but now instead of being at the moment, I feel it after it is too late to rest.  This next 10 days should be my best time in the cycle.  I plan to work again tomorrow then come home and rest before the football game.  Then we are leaving at half time to head out of town to Charlotte.  We will go part way Friday night then the rest of the way Saturday morning...mainly because Bill thinks it would be too much for me if we go up and back in one day.  He is probably right on that one.  I may not be blogging until I get back so make sure to check in on Sunday.  I am sure I will have lots to say...I am rarely at a loss for words as you all know.   🙂

Also please pray for Bill's dad.  He got his pacemaker today.  All went well but it has just been a tough year for us all and our mortality has been up front and in our faces.  Peace is such a great thing to have in these kind of tough times!  And the prayers of our friends have carried us through...thank you all.

Today I went back to work...of course those of you from work already know that.  It was good to think of something other than doctors and diseases.  Many people couldn't tell I had a wig and when they found out it caused quite a stir as everyone wanted to touch it and tell everyone else to look.  It was funny.  I worked half the day and went home and to church.  By the time I got home tonight I was wiped out and sore...I overdid it. I guess I should have known that but I was feeling so normal and I liked it so I kept going.  Fortunately I will get to sleep in tomorrow before my blood work.   Then off to the hospital to sit with Bill's mom while his dad has pace maker surgery...when it rains it pours.  Both side of our families have had our 3 things each...that means 6 for us.  I hope that means it will be many years before we have more traumas!  I'm off to bed now.

How many chairs will I sit in on this journey of mine?  Today’s was a black leather chair in a hair salon.  The room was small and peach in color.  There were only three chairs and one was at a shampoo bowl. Two of the four walls had mirrors.  There was another chair for mom, who came to cheer me on.  The stylist set to work shaving after asking me if I wanted to watch or not.  No way.  The chair turned away from the mirror as the hair started to fall.  I fought the tears off and just as I thought I would break down I looked in the mirror and was shocked to see my brother staring back at me…at least it looked just like him.  I was so stunned I forgot to cry.  I never realized how much we looked alike until today.  Mom agreed.  Then when they put the wig on it was wavy and mid length and again I looked in the mirror.  This time I saw my sister.  I had no idea how much difference a hair style can make.  If all three of us shaved our heads we would look like triplets!  It was kind of weird and then funny.  It made me laugh and not cry…that was an unexpected surprise on this day of trauma.  Loosing hair was one of the things I most dreaded about this journey but I decided that it didn’t involve needles or pain, so it wasn’t so bad.  I think I braced myself for the emotion of it all and I was able to put that aside…at least until I had to take my wig off in front of Bill.  Then the tears came, but only for a few minutes. 

The kids think my wig looks “different” and “poofy.”  Hannah didn’t want to look when the wig came off.  That reaction was a bit of a surprise to me and I hadn’t really thought about how the kids would feel about a bald mom.  We have talked about it, joked about it and tried to make it a light hearted thing but it is obvious that, Hannah at least, is not taking it light hearted.  That is hard for me but I respect her feelings and know that none of this has been easy for my kids, that fact brings tears to my eyes.  They have been great so far but Hannah particularly holds in her feelings and that makes me worry about her some. They all four have a sensitive side so it is something to watch in the days of getting used to a bald mom. We will get through it together and that is the important thing to remember, that and that hair grows back…