Today was a great day to sleep til noon...so I did.  I took some pain medicine last night and slept great so this morning as I awoke sore I took some more and went back to bed.  Then after lunch I took another nap.  Tiredness is now more of an issue than the pain...thank goodness.  I think the bone pain went by faster this time because of my massage and your prayers!  I am just resting around the house...reading, writing, sleeping.  Simple things.  For now that is all I can do.  But I think I am past the worst this round and that is a good thing.

I have felt yucky today.  The bone pain is back and my stomach is unhappy.  I feel weak and tired...so I slept.  Most of the day.  I went for a massage...that was great and seemed to help.  I went to the store.  We were desparate for some basic food...then home to sleep.  I didn't really do anything else.  I ran kids here and there while Bill took Peter to the doctor...sinus infection.  I am staying away from him.  It is hard to sit back and watch my son feel bad and not be near him.  It is, in my opinion, one of the joys of motherhood to bring comfort to a sick child.  I miss the closeness of snuggling up and napping with him.  It is one of the few times my kids will still let me nurture them a bit.  However, it is only temporary.  I will be able to be a mom again soon because I am over half way! 

I have an answer to my question.  I told you I would let you know the answer. It is the question I asked during my infection, you remember…why?  Why this?  Why another complication?  All of those wonderful things that come into your head in the midst of an unbelievably difficult time when you cannot see the end of the tunnel ahead.  I had some time to talk with God.  I heard his answer and it was no surprise to me.  I have heard it before.  “For my Glory.” 

Now I don’t know about you, but that just isn’t what I am looking for in an answer.  It is way too vague and I do not really even know that I agree with it.  I mean wouldn’t it be more glorious to him if I just got completely healed without all the drugs?  That way he would get all the credit.  I told him all of this in my time of infection…I was quite heated in my rationale.  He patiently listened to me rant and rave I am sure.  Then he repeated himself, “for my glory.”  I hate it when he does that, because that means he wants me to dig a bit.  I have to think it through and ask again what exactly that means, then I have to listen for the answer.  It would be so much easier if I could tell him how things should be. 🙂 

I think “for my glory’ could mean many different things.  It could be that my testimony will point people around me, like you guys who read this, to him.  I hope that is true.  It could be that in my weakness his strength will be evident not only to those around me but also to me.  I think this is closer to what he means.  It is my journey after all.  At my absolute end, I find that I can go further than I have ever thought.  I can endure because of his great love for me.  When I have nothing but tears, he still holds me close.  It is actually a very intimate, private thing to have nothing to offer him.  Only myself in my broken state…but that is all he wants.  That is what he means “for my glory.”  In that deep place of brokenness, he is more alive and real…more glorious than any other time.  I am assured by his heavy presence that he knows all and he is in all.  He is drawing me closer to himself in a way that only this kind of experience can do.  He has done this before with me.  It is back to my secret place where I have nothing…but him…and his glory!

Today it is an okay day.  I feel pretty good.  I have tingling feet and hands.  My face feels sunburned.  My mouth is getting sores.  All of these are mild and manageable.  Tonight I am starting to feel tired but no soreness yet.  Tomorrow I go to get my white count shot...so soreness will come one way or another.  I am taking it slow this week, trying to keep rested and avoid infections. 

I have been inspired to start outlining my book.  I read a book by Emilee Barnes and her survival of cancer.  It was really good and made me realize that I have alot to say.  I am thinking and planning.  I don't know how long before I get it done but I am going to start.  Many of these blogs are my thoughts and will be put into more defined chapter type writings. 

Last weekend was homecoming.  It is good to see my kids going on through life even as I have to take things slow.  It keeps me going forward.  Hannah went with her boyfriend and 3 other couples.  Aaron went alone and said he had more fun than last year when he had a date!  I am trying to put some of the pictures in my album...so far they seem to be too big to download. (I consider the life of my kids part of my journey too.) If I get them on you will be amazed at how much Hannah looks like I did at her age!

Today was my chemo. day.  I have had several people that said I was heavy on their hearts and that they stopped what they were doing to pray...I know that is why things went so smoothly.  They got my port with very little trouble.  They had to use a long needle but they numbed me first with an ice pack.  They stuck me once and only had to dig a little deeper twice before they hit it right on.  Once it was taped down there were no more problems!!  Thank God for that!  I always feel yucky when they pump the meds in so that was nothing new.  I mainly tried to sleep to avoid that gross feeling.  When we got home Bill's mom had prepared a wonderful home cooked meal so I wouldn't have to worry about dinner.  It was great because right now I still have an appetite...so I ate it all.  I had to have a little shot of inculin first because my sugar was up to 198...that is better than previous times where it was 256.  Bill did a great job and I didn't even feel it. All in all it was a fairly routine chemo day if there is such a thing.  Thanks for all the prayers and concerns...now to avoid infections for the next three weeks!  My white count shot is Wednesday then the bone pain comes right after.  It appears to have worked last time since my white count is in the low normal range now.  My red count went up on it's own...so no shots needed.  I hate to admit it but I think the extra week did me good :)  I guess that is why I am not God! 

I AM HALF WAY!!!!  THAT IS A MILESTONE...ONLY THREE MORE TIMES....

Today I woke up and noticed colored light painting my kitchen table as the sun was coming up.  I looked out the window for the source of the light and found it was the trees in the yard.  Multiple colors of leaves were glowing as the beams from dawn streamed through them.  It was a beautiful sight.  All across the back of the house the effect was the same…stained glass.  That is what is looked like, a house full of stained glass windows.  My kitchen, dining, bed, and bathrooms all glowing like a house of worship. 

I think we believe that churches and chapels are the only places for worship.  Therefore, the majority of stained glass is there, in those sacred places.  We ooooh and ahhh at the beauty and artistry of colored bits of glass as they depict holy scenes.  They draw us somehow to acknowledge our creator and marvel at the scenes in wonder. They move us to reverence for God.  Those windows somehow display his glory.

 But what if my own house is a place meant for worship as well?  What if the scenes of my life are the scenes meant to inspire others towards him?  My morning light show really brought my attention to the fact that I live in a house of worship.  The everyday rooms in my house are places the Spirit of God chooses to dwell and my daily activities are my acts of worship.  When I look at that fact, I am honored that he would choose my house.  I am humbled that he would choose my heart in which to dwell. 

As I look around me at the leaves and the color, I am again taken by his magnificent creation.  The forest is his palate today…so is my kitchen…and my heart.  He is using his paintbrush to teach, inspire, and glorify.  If I do not praise him, the rocks will cry out…and the trees.

Last weekend I ran away from life…not far, just to mom’s house.  I think the infection was just the last straw in an already emotionally draining time. Everything is catching up with me and when you look at it, I have been through a tremendous amount in a very short time.  Has it really only been 4 months since this all started?  It feels like a lifetime.  I have four children so I am always tired, but now the required energy is hard to come by.  I feel like I should be able to do the things I always do but cannot.  That is extremely frustrating to me.

 The problem is I have always been a plate spinner.  You know, the guys at the fair that spin plates on the tops of sticks.  They can add more and more plates and amazingly keep all of them spinning at the same time.  Just when one appears to be dangling and ready to plunge to the ground the plate spinner gets there in the nick of time.

 I think all moms feel like plate spinners (or maybe jugglers), trying to keep life going without dropping anything.  It is a hard task to be sure, but I am in that stage of life…and I am good at it.  I can spin many plates at the same time…without breaking a sweat…until now.  Now, my plates are dropping like flies.  They crash to the ground and shatter.  Last weekend, I dropped my kids.  The emotions of puberty clashed with the hormones of menopause and another plate crashed.  It was a painful crash for me because of the words spoken between mother and son.  It was over as quickly as it started and life goes on, but on top of all the physical difficulties, it was overwhelming.  I think every family has a steam valve that blows when the pressure is on.  William is our valve. Fortunately, my family plate will not shatter no matter how many times it falls.  That is a relief on days like last weekend. Just pick it up and spin it again. (By the way, this weekend is better.)

Other than that, I am down to two plates, work and chemo.  Work is going well because I can do it as I feel like it.  Chemo is not a choice.  So as I give up my plate spinning days I find that life is at a slower pace now.  The important things are important and the unimportant are gone.  That is not a bad thing.  “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” no matter if that is spinning plates or watching them fall.

I had blood work done today.  I won't know the results until tomorrow but hopefully all will go according to plan and Monday I will be halfway through!!  I use each treatment as a countdown to being finished.  Each day is one day less that I will have treatments.  One day closer to the end of the journey...or at least this part, for all of life is a journey.  I am clinging to the Lord and his goodness.  I know that he will lead me through and hold me close in the process.  I may not understand all the whys of this circumstance but I know the God who does.  That will be enough even if he never reveals any other thing to me. 

Working has helped me so much.  I am busy when I am there and I feel like I am contributing to my school in ways that I can't when I am doing my regular job.  It was a good day today.  I think the extra week is giving me a longer up time which is nice. My infection is almost gone and the medicine is not near as bad as the last round.  Over all I am looking at the bright side and trying to move forward instead of standing still feeling sorry for myself.  I have encouragement from my friends and Frank's link on yesterdays comment was a powerful short film that brought tears to my eyes. (Thanks Frank)  It is just like God to send me just the words I need when I need them.

I have found that there are different levels of flexibility.  I know that is kind of obvious but in this journey of mine it is a surprise to me.  I thought that I was a flexible person and most of my friends will tell you that I am.  Especially at work, I have to be flexible to do the job that I do.  Then cancer happened.  I found myself sitting in a chair barely able to lift my head on my own without terrible pain.  That was a shock to my imagined flexibility.  I wrestled with it some but was too exhausted to fight, so I just sat and rested.  A good thing to do. 

Then chemo started.  I scheduled my days to rest.  That one word, 'scheduled' tells you what I thought my level of control was.  Like I could determine which days I would feel bad or good…right.  I quickly found that my days are not as predictable as I had hoped.  Still, I have adjusted and just learned to go with each day as I can…so I thought.

Now there is an infection.  Every trip to the doctor brings a different surprise…a culture, a blood test, a trip to the hospital or lab.  I never know what will happen when I go.  I think this last thing kind of put me over the edge for a few days.  All is not well for me when I do not know what is coming.  It’s the unknown fears that rise up, how long will this infection take to heal?  Will it heal?  Will I be sick forever?  Those irrational fears are the ones that come in once the rational ones have had their say first.  All of this is very draining because my mind will not shut off.  Then my menopausal emotions kick in and blow everything out of proportion.  It is a cycle I am seeing.  A cycle I cannot seem to control.  It is embarrassing to go to the doctor and blubber like a child.  If I am strong I can get through most medical things, but I am not strong now.  I am a frightened child again.  So the illusion of control has been broken once again.  I cannot do it alone.  I have to depend on God and those of you he uses to hold me up.  It is a comfort to know there are many of you.  I am impatient with this journey and am ready to be well.  I want to be left alone by the medical people that poke and prod.  But instead I will yield…to them and to God.