I am a bit on edge tonight.  Somehow, when they poke and stick me, it is hard but when they have to do it to one of my kids, it is harder.  William will have surgery December 18^th.  It is the same one Peter had a few years ago (adenoids and sinuses)…and it has made a huge difference for him.  I am hopeful that it will for William as well. 

Today when I took him to the surgeon, I had a hard time.  I was not expecting it all to hit me at that moment, but it did.  I was trying to schedule pre-op, a CT scan, and two surgeries (it is a two-part procedure) all around my chemo schedule and it all came down around me.  I fought it off for the sake of William, who tends to be as fearful as I am when it comes to doctors. However, inside I was on the edge of a big melt down.  I think the doctors office, the procedures, and the complicated way that life is these days just got to me.  I feel fine, but emotionally I am having hard time today.  I can still feel my emotions churning just below the surface, even after the tears I finally shed when I got home.  Hormones maybe?  Could be…but it is more likely the result of a very long 5 months.

William woke up sick today.  He has a bad cough that comes from his clogged sinuses.  Bill took him to the doctor and they want to consider surgery...he had major problems last winter and we almost did the surgery then.  We are going to have to look into it between chemo visits. 

Last years CT scan showed that he needs it but when we went to the surgeon he didn't have any symptoms so we put it off.  Now the allergist says this is starting just like it did last winter.  What to do?  We have been through so much I was hoping to be uneventful from now on...but then again, while I am at home would be a good time because once I go back to work I won't have any days to miss without loosing pay.  We will see what the surgeon says. 

I had a dream…really more of a nightmare.  It sounds silly now but it was scary at the time.  A man standing at the foot of my bed, then after I pushed him out of the house he was trying to get back in the house…the silly part is that he was trying to sell cookie dough as a fundraiser.  (I guess I have been a teacher too long!)  Anyway, the overall theme of the dream was that I was screaming for help and never got any.  Knowing this man was trying to get to me and not being able to stop him was terrifying.  Another similar dream followed the first. 

I guess I am feeling a little more out of control than I realize.  I was thinking that lately I have been on an upswing, feeling pretty good about how things are going.  My physical side effects are manageable and my bigger issues of incision and infection are better.  The dreams made me realize that cancer can steal your peace of mind.  Even when all is progressing along somewhere in the back of my mind I still have some fears buried.

 I guess we all do.  I do not think we can really ever be totally fear free when it comes to life and death issues.  I can be at peace knowing God is in control while still having very human feelings of fear.  I think Jesus proved that in the garden.  Facing the fears is hard.  It would be much easier to pretend I am so full of faith that I have no fear…but that would be a lie.  Life is not guaranteed, it’s that simple.  If I focus on that fact, fear will rule.  I choose instead to focus on other guarantees…

God is good all the time.

He loves me deeply.

He has plans for my future…not to harm me.

He wants what is best for me.

He is in control…not me…or the cookie salesman!

While the dream was scary it was only a dream.  I woke up shaken but not defeated.  Today I have felt fine and am not conscious of any fearful feelings…I am doing well.  Mentally and emotionally I feel strong right now.  I think the key is to focus on the things I know to be true and to put away anything that tries to steal that peace from me.

I called today and left a message for my chemo nurse about my red spots.  She hasn't called back...I told her to call me if I needed to be concerned.  The spots are still there but appear to be fading away so I don't think it is a big deal.  I am sure that if there is something I am supposed to watch for the nurse will call me.  Other than that I am feeling good. I worked today and am tired but that is my usual state these days. 

We have an early soccer game tomorrow 9:00 can you say brrrrrrr.  I don't know if I am going because it will probably be in the 20's.  Hannah takes the SAT in the morning, but won't get home from the football game until late tonight.  I hope she can stay awake for the whole thing.  This is her first time and I have told her to think of it as a practice...so maybe she won't be so nervous. 

I am going to go to bed soon so I can refresh my batteries!  By the way my leaves already dried up.  I went out this morning to the garage and they were crunchy already!  Oh well, they were beautiful while they lasted.

Today was an easy day.  I did some errands and had bloodwork done.  Bill and I went up Richard Russell Parkway and looked at leaves for about 30 minutes or so.  They are so beautiful this year!  Vivid yellows and reds that just glow with the sunshine.  The sky was so blue that it made the leaves stand out even more.  We even picked some.  They are part yellow with red spots, and yellow with green spots, and red with yellow veins.  It is a bouquet of leaves...now to figure out what to do with them.  Then I had a massage and a nap.   After dinner, while Peter was at soccer practice I went to Curves to work out.  I was the only one there.  It was a very productive day. 

I have a couple of little red spots on my arm that look like bruises but not really...kind of like red birthmarks.  It isn't from the needle today because it is in a different part of my arm and I didn't notice them until tonight.  One of the things they say to watch for is red places because when platelets are low, bleeding is common.  I am going to call tomorrow to see if I need to be concerned.  At this point they don't appear to be getting bigger and I feel fine...sooo we will see.  I am thinking maybe the tape from the bloodwork caused it when I pulled it off???  I will call tomorrow.

I heard a message at church tonight that has me thinking.  It was based on the parable of the talents…the one where the boss gives three different guys money to keep for him. Two guys invest in different ways and add to the bosses money. One man is afraid and he buries his.  The boss is mad at his lack of care with the money.  I always have thought that it was weird for God to be mad because the guy didn’t make money. Isn’t money the root of all evil.  It seems right to me, maybe even a good steward for him to be safe.  But the point tonight was that it isn’t really the amount of money that makes him angry, but rather the man’s fear of risking himself.  He did not put himself out there; he took the easy and comfortable way.  This is such a great point.  God wants us to live with abandon risking our comfort by stepping out there for him. He asks us to do one thing only…follow me.  All else will come into focus if we do that one thing with abandon.

 Complacency is our enemy.  We are continually leaving our weaknesses and sins at the cross.  That is needed but we also need to bring our strengths.  To give ourselves fully…every part.  To give only part of myself is neither hot nor cold.  It makes God sick to see all that he has given us and we are halfhearted in our pursuit of him.  It goes back to being grateful and living life to the fullest.  Knowing that as you give your all in an area, he is smiling because he gave his all for you.  Watching you succeed, or failing in a valiant effort, brings pleasure to him because of your abandonment.  It is like a child that is fully caught up in some worthy goal; a baby begins to walk, or a child tries a new sport, or wins a contest of some skill. The effort is noble.  It is that kind of abandonment that pleases God.  Each individual has some thing that urges them to live fully.  One thing.  One gift or talent to push to the limit as part of the pursuit of God. (Like maybe writing a book) It is risky. It requires courage and trust.  It requires you to rely on God as you step out and take a risk…and it makes him smile. J

Happy Halloween.  I hope everyone had a safe and fun one.  We had this great idea...Bill was going to wear my wig and one of my fleece tops and be me.  I got the idea when he came out of the bathroom one day in my wig.  I laughed so hard my sides hurt. I decided that I was going to be Uncle Fester.  Without my wig I look alot like him...just add the lightbulb in my mouth and I am set.  Of course, when it came time to go we both chickened out and went as ourselves but it was fun to laugh about the possibilities...

Taking good health for granted is something I have always done, I am sure.  But now, I know that I really should appreciate this body of mine…even if I don’t like the shape it is in.  I went to work out today at Curves.  That is the first time in awhile because of my infection.  It was hard and I got tired easily.  I didn’t even really push very hard. ( I know better.)  However, even in my weakened state I could do more today than last time I went.  My incision is healed (praise God in heaven!) and my surgery weakness is much, much better than before.

 I was told by my doctors, that the exercise will help flush the chemo out faster and put me on the right track to recovery.  That is more motivating to me than simply losing weight.  I have a new perspective on trying to be healthy so I can live longer.  It isn’t about the way I look anymore…I mean I am bald and my stomach looks like Frankenstein…not that improving my body is a bad thing…just not as important as making sure I am breathing and my heart is pumping.  Moving my joints is another good goal.

 I am also trying to remember to be thankful to God for my health, such that it is.  There is a new definition of pain and suffering that I watch around me at chemo each time.  I have it sooooo much better than so many.  I don’t want to forget that…I am grateful today for the ability to move and feel decent.  It is the grace of God and I will pray diligently for those that have it worse than I because I can’t even imagine what it must be like.  My compassion has blossomed like never before and I am moved to pray.

At our church we have “blended” worship.  That means that we sing old hymns and newer praise choruses.  Many times they are blended into one song.  Today it was All Hail the Power of Jesus Name and Lord of All.  Both hit me in a powerful way.  I was reminded that angels fall prostrate at the name of Jesus because he is crowned Lord of All.  That means Lord of our country, and the election next week.  That means, Lord of our schools and our homes.  He is Lord of the church. 

It does not matter if we agree that he is Lord…he just is.  We may not be able to see his Lordship in the politics of our country but that is of no consequence to him.  He is Lord even when things don’t make sense to us…like when you have cancer.  He is Lord over my cells, my chemo, my infections and my hair loss.  I do not see with his eyes, so to me it is difficult to understand these things.  After all his ways are not my ways.  Ultimately, I will be glad of that…when I can see his ways clearly.  Until then trust is the order of the day.  Can I trust his ways?  Can I let him be Lord over ALL that comes into my life?  Can you?  All Hail the Power of Jesus Name...

A day in the mountains...the leaves are beautiful. They are peaking this weekend. I am better today than yesterday.  I saw a soccer game in the cold morning air, with many layers and blankets.  I went to Neal's Gap and bought a hat to sleep in that another survivor told me about.  It is a very soft fleece that she says keeps your head warm.  I believe it.  I love it already.  The view from up there was amazing, but a bit windy. I went to a Sunday School party and had some social time.  It was a good day.