Today I had a pretty good day.  I am feeling more energetic, though I am still very far from normal I have a little more pep in my step.  I had my LAST shot today...and my LAST bloodwork...at least for this more aggressive phase of treatment.  I took little "going away" presents to all of my nurses and doctors.  I know that I will have more that has to be done over the next months but I wanted to mark the end of the weekly needle stickings! 

Bill's dad is doing well.  He had surgery yesterday for an intestinal blockage. I know he feels better now that it is gone.  You never know how much you take your digestive system for granted until it doesn't work!  He will be in the hospital until Sunday at least.  He has developed a cough and that hurts his abdomen...I can relate to that.  They are watching him closely and making him breathe in that tube and walk around to make sure his lungs are working properly.  Pray that healing will come fast and that there will be no complications from his heart or diabetes.

  I got home from work today…I am exhausted…and William asked to go to the funeral home.  It seems that one of his friends’ mother died.  I came to find out that this woman is one of the soccer moms I have been sitting with at soccer games for years.  Her son and Peter are on the same team.  Her daughter and William are the same age and they sit together at the games as well. 

She died of cancer.  She was diagnosed Dec. 4^th.  Wow…that is way to close for comfort.  I went to the funeral home…I know that probably wasn’t the wisest thing I have done, but William was sincere in his wish to support his friend.  I wanted to honor that.  Bill took the other kids on to church and I went with William.

It was difficult to say the least.  Then they played a song she had written after she realized she was going to die.  It is called Why Not Live?  They had CD’s for sale to pay for her expenses…no insurance.  The song was playing as the kids arrived and I lost it.  Watching her kids weep and knowing that could easily have been mine was more than I could take. 

There were many people from the community there, dedicated teachers that I know that came to support the kids…their students.  All of us were talking.  Many asked how I was doing.  I was happy to give a good report.  Others asked for the specifics of my journey and I shared them. 

When I heard that song I recognized it…because I have lived it.   The whole scene was somehow surreal to me.  All the chit-chat about nothing much as life went on.  The reality of my past few months seemed in my face, but no one seemed to notice.  It was as if they didn’t really want to hear my answers but felt obligated to ask the questions.  After the first couple of times I saw eyes glaze over after my first couple of statements and realized that surface level, “I am doing good” was all I needed to say.  There was one friend there that thought to ask, “How are you holding up through this?”  The tears came then.  It is hard to watch death up close.  But most of all the song got to me…in a good way.  It sounds a lot like my new motto…live fully.  I understood what she was saying to all of us in the room.  I am not sure it was more than a “sweet song” to many that were there.  But for me, it was full of an important message crying out from the grave…

 

Why Not Live

I hit an oil slick the other day, my feet started sliding

and I couldn’t stay in the place that I had been so many years. 

Why? why? Why? was all I could say,

 I remember when my baby asked me

 every day, every minute, every hour, all the time.

And I said       Why not? 

that’s what came to me.

Love my loved ones furiously,

Live each moment as if were your last,

Because the road that we’re on takes so many turns,

and the pain of this life causes many yearns  

We won’t always know the reasons why

We don’t always get to say good byes,

 It’s for certain were all gonna to die. So why not live?

Why not live and give, all you have to give?

Why not cry and sob, till all the tears are gone?

Why not laugh till it hurts and your smile is frozen on?

Just remember to receive all the love

God’s inside us all and not just up above

Why not live? why not sob? why not laugh?… it goes too fast

When you want to ask the question why,

If you’ve got the choice to live or die,

You don’t need to know the reasons why,

Why not live?  Why not live? Why not live?

  

Written by Sue Saunders, who believed in laughing loud and living fully.

   

Today was a better day.  Emotionally I felt better and my lessons went well.  There is still tension at work but today it didn't get me like yesterday.  I am not in charge of the world...I know you are all glad to hear that one!  I can only do what I can do.  I know that in my head but my heart struggles with it sometimes.  I always think there should be more I can do.  I came home today for a nap and that always helps to put perspective on things.  God is still in control of my activities and he knows exactly what I need.  He will show me how to use my new outlook on life without overstepping.  Live fully...without killing yourself. 

My father-in-law is in the hospital.  He was having severe abdominal pain...I feel for him.  They don't know why but they think it is an obstruction.  They are doing more tests to determine if he needs surgery or not.  The tests they have run so far don't show them much.  Please pray for him and for my mom-in-love too.  We are all tired of the hosptial waiting room.

Back to work...I was excited to get back.  I love my job.  I love the kids and I love to teach.  None of that has changed but somehow things are different.  I guess it is the past 6 months catching up with me.  I feel like I stepped into a pressure cooker.  The big test is just a few weeks away and the count down has started.  The amount of work I have to do with the kids that I have is enormous.  I will not be able to do it all...and that is a normal part of being a teacher.  The job is never done.  It is frustrating to say the least.  The stress is high and nerves are frayed among my co-workers because the stress is high. But for me, things have changed...I am not sure the stress is worth it anymore.  Facing death has a way of re-arranging priorities.  I am hoping that I can make the adjustments for my job...cut the pressure somehow before it cuts me.  My personality is such that it is hard, when I am in the middle of it all, to think of anything but what I am doing or as is the case right now, not doing.  It is so easy for me jump in and try to save the world.

I had yet another blood test today.  My counts are all up except for my platelets which are dropping.  The good news is that my red count went from the danger range to the low range.  My white count is in the normal range...back to work I go.  My platelets are expected to go up without any intervention so I am on my way...  I can go back tomorrow in the classroom.  My down days are over!!

Here we go again...just when I thought I was through.  My counts are lower this time than last.  They called and wanted to put me in the hospital for a transfusion.  I talked them into waiting because my symptoms aren't as bad as last time.  They gave me until Sunday to get my counts up...if they aren't up by then I will be having a transfusion on Monday.  The good news is that a transfusion doesn't delay work as I had previously thought.  I can work on Tuesday if I have to have one on Monday.  In fact, she said that I would probably feel better because the blood I would get would have normal counts.  It will take my blood awhile to get back to normal counts...so if I have to have it, I will do it and be blood healthy to go back to work.  I did go in today...I have been feeling okay so I went in and worked all day.  I started to get excited to get back with kids.  I have my plans and can't wait to get back at it.  I hope I will be able to go...Bill probably will not let me out of the house the rest of the weekend so that I will have a good report on Sunday.

Tomorrow I plan to go in to work for 1/2 day...in the office.  I haven't heard from my blood work yet but I will be very surprised if there is any serious concern.  I feel pretty good except for the tiredness and the aches from my shot today.  Those will be gone tomorrow and I think it will be good to go in first thing to get prepared for next week.  Back to early mornings!  Ugh!  

I have to say I have mixed feelings about going back.  I have enjoyed working in the office and it has been a life saver.  It has kept my mind occupied.  I feel like I have been productive for the school even in my weakened state. I am excited to be back with the kids...and my teaching friends.  Working and making a difference for students.  I love that about my job.  But underneath the excitement I feel kind of sad.  I think I am grieving a bit...I know that doesn't make alot of sense but I have come so far on this journey.  It has been a self discovery in a way and a God discovery.  Learning even more than I knew how much he loves me and cares for me.  How faithful he is, how deeply he wants to comfort me.  Its not like that will go away but it will be different.  I know I will never be the same.  Part of me loves being home and being able to sit with God and listen.  I will have to make time for that now...it will be a fight to find the time.  There is something about that hidden place that I find when there is crisis.  I don't wish for crisis...I certainly don't want to do any of this again but the God part was a sweet time for me.  The family part was a sweet time for Bill and I...and the kids.  It is a new day and a new part of the this journey...  I know there is much in store for us all and a new place of rest in the rush.

I unpacked my chemo bag today.  I must say it felt quite good to put it in the top of the closet.  I unloaded my books, thank you notes and snacks.  My blanket, my bible, cd player and cd's were put away where they belong.  I smiled when it was empty.  What a relief...what a joy that overcame me at this symbolic action.  I just praised God and smiled some more. 

Today is also the last of my low blood days.  This time has not been nearly as bad as the last round...(thank you all for praying)  My heart rate is a little elevated sometimes but it isn't constant.  I am only dizzy when I bend down to pick something up.  No ringing in the ears.  I have blood work tomorrow that hopefully will confirm what I am feeling...that it is low but not dangerously low.  Then all counts begin to rise...through the roof I say!  Energy increases...life begins again.  I won't hear about my blood until Friday probably.  I get a red count shot tomorrow too.  That should make sure everything continues to go up.  Only one more shot after that and one more blood test...at least until my once a month starts in Feb. My next hurdle to cross is the CT scan I have the 29th...it is supposed to be a baseline and they will tell me all about it on Feb. 4th or so.  One step towards being completely finished, I move from one day at a time to one month at a time...then 3 then 6  and before I know it  my 5 year mark will be here.  Just think I am coming up on one year...in July...not that far away.  

Today a couple of my dear friends came to help me with my recovery...we cooked.  I usually cook for a couple of months at a time, when I am working.  It helps to keep me going and gives me the ability to put dinner on the table quickly in my busy life.  Today as I prepare to go  back to work next week, my friends Beth Ann and Heather came to my rescue.  It took us 2 hours or so to put enough food in the freezer for  3 or 4 weeks.  What a blessing.  One step back to health at a time.  I can rest knowing that my family will be well fed while I am trying to get back into juggling my life.  God has given me a precious gift of friends that would give up their holiday to help me cook! 

My flu is gone...for the last time!!  However, my blood is dropping.  I came up the stairs without resting half way tonight and had to sit to regain my breath.  So far it doesn't feel as bad as last time...we will see as the week progresses.  By Thursday everything should be at it's lowest and then it will climb through the roof because there will be no chemo to stop it.  I expect to be feeling better and better.  I am looking forward to those days.  What will it be like to have energy again???  I should feel better than I have in months...just a few more days.