There is some confusion as to my blood counts.  It seems that the doctors office (the one I didn't make it to) says that I don't need bloodwork this week.  Then I got a call from the chemo lab that says I do.  My platelets are still low but they ARE climbing...that is a very good thing.  My red count is still a little low...not as bad as before the transfusion...but they ARE climbing.  I just happen to have an appointment with my endocrinologist (sp???) tomorrow, so they can do their own bloodwork and then do the one for my onocolgist as well.  I am in transition between phases of treatment.  I am excited about the endocrinologist because she can help me regulate my blood sugar, hormones, thyroid and just about anything else I might need.  I look at it like having a tune up...I will be running smooth once I get everything regulated....then there will be no stopping...unless I want to.

Looking out over the snow covered ground, it is easy to see why the hymns talk of being “washed whiter than snow.”  The glistening blanket is smooth and clean.  It is as if peace came and covered the earth.  To look at it before car tracks and snowmen, a quiet calm begs not to be disturbed.  It is even more spectacular when flakes continue to fall and build the depth.  Trees have clumps that resemble white nests in every bough.  And you have to ask how could this wonderland be created in just a few hours?  It is a marvel to watch.  I am in awe every time. 

I have to wonder what is going on under this icy chill.  It would seem to me that it would kill everything, but it is quite the opposite.  Down under the cold ground, life is thriving.  It has pulled within itself to glean nutrients from the soil.  The snow actually helps nurture the plants that are anxiously waiting for spring to make an appearance.  It may not be evident to the eyes, but do not let that fool you.  The winter is a time to dig deeper, for roots to solidify. Seeds must first fall to the ground and die before they can sprout. 

It is the same with life.  There are seasons of “winter” and they require us to pull back and dig deep.  It may seem that all life is gone on the surface but in the heart, the seed has died only to be resurrected.  It now absorbs the nutrients that God pours out.  When the spring season comes, life will come bursting forth from places that appeared dead just days ago. Kind of like a tomb…sound familiar? Winter is a season of preparation that leads to a season of fruit.  As cold and hard as winter is, it can be critical to growth.

I am in a winter season.  I have pulled back and I am trying to allow God to nurture me…feed me.  I am digging my roots deeper.  I am preparing for a season of fruit bearing.  Soon, the growth will burst forth, (my hair first I hope) and it will be apparent that God has been working behind the scenes for these past months with his resurrection power. The seed that was planted deep in my heart will bud and blossom…all because of the winter.

I messed up.  Today I had a doctors appointment.  It was with my oncologist.  He was supposed to go over all of my test results and let me know where we go from here.  I arrived at my scheduled time and noticed that there were not many people waiting...unheard of for this doctor.  Wow how lucky am I?  I thought.  Then Bill called to ask where I was I said, "I am at the doctors office where are you?"  He said, "At the doctors office...in Lawrenceville waiting on you."  You probably figured it out already...I went to the wrong office...in Gainesville.  It was not a good thing to have my husband and doctor in one office and me in another. 

I was so disappointed that I had messed things up so badly.  I really wanted to have this appointment to hear what he had to say.  I have messed up like this several times lately...  Forgetting appointments, messing up on times and schedules.  They say chemo causes memory loss...Bill says it is overload from all I have been through and trying to get back into the swing.  I don't know which is right.  All I know is that I was embarassed and upset today.  Juggling things is what I do... I am good at it...usually. I am trying to learn how to be, now that I am not me exactly.  It is like I am turning into Bill!  All joking aside, it is frustrating to say the least.  I know healing will come and I will get back to "normal" whatever that is.  But in the meantime, I am discovering that things are different for me in ways I hadn't even realized.

This was written Feb. 2nd...but for some reason it didn't post correctly.

 On this night nineteen years ago, I was sitting in a hospital praying that my husband would live.  For those of you that don’t know Bill was in a terrible car accident and had a brain injury.  It was a long, difficult time for us.  It deepened our relationship with each other. (eventually...after he came back from la la land  J)  It is when I found out how close you can get to God…when he is all you have to hold on to.             We celebrate this day every year.  I know to some it sounds morbid or weird to celebrate a car accident but I don’t see it that way.  In Deuteronomy, it says that the children of Israel were told by God to make a memorial when they crossed the sea.  They built stone memorials to mark the great things God had done for them…so they could tell their children.  It was a way to remember.  Each time they passed a memorial, they would tell the story again of God’s faithfulness.  Each year we pass this memorial, and we tell our children how God saved their father and made him whole again.  At our house, it is called Daddy’s Alive Day.              Tonight we discussed the horror of the day.  The first moments at the hospital and the months in rehab.  We always like to talk about the crazy and funny things he said and did during that time…it wasn’t funny then, but now the fact that he thought he won the super bowl is hilarious. It is these moments that show our kids the faithfulness of God.  How he sustained us.  They get to see how he made the impossible…possible.  They get to see a miracle, in the life of their father. Next year, we will have a Mommy’s Alive Day.  We haven’t decided which day we are going to mark as our memorial day yet.  Last chemo, Jan. 2 sounds good to me…but we decided it needs to be more separate from New Years to make it special. When is not important but we will build a memorial…and we will remember.  God is faithful!

 

We have had two snow days…we got around 4 1/2 inches.  Buses can’t run in that kind of snow on the backroads around here.  So we get a holiday...or two. 

I love the fresh blanket of white.  It is so clean and crisp…and fun!  To honor my new philosophy of life…live fully…I have been out with my kids playing.  We had a snowball fight, made a snowman, and went sledding down our big hill in the neighborhood.  I went sledding!  It was a blast even though it wore me out.  Then we made snow ice cream…yummy.  We built a fire and played board games.  We enjoyed life and each other.  It is not that we didn’t do these same exact things before, it’s just that now they have more meaning to me.  Instead of waiting for the kids to come in for cocoa, I jumped in there with them and we all came in together.  The small difference is a big difference!

The doctor called today.  I just got the message.  My CT scan was completely normal!  Tears of relief are running down my face.

I had my CT scan.  All went well.  I only had to be stuck once…which is a tribute to the power of your prayers!  Any time I have an IV it is a trauma…not this time.  This scan is a baseline.  It is a comparison for future scans…that is all…they say.  I on the other hand have that hovering thought in my brain.  You know, the “what if.”  I am pushing it away because I won’t know the results of the scan until Monday of next week.  But that is a long time to push…  I won’t lie to you, I have anxiety about it.  I know what they say but they have said that every step of the way… “we don’t expect it to be anything, we don’t expect it to be outside the uterus, we don’t expect you will need chemo”…you get the idea.  So now the battle is in my head, yet again.  I am meditating on scripture that says “plans to prosper you and not harm you” and “he goes before you and will never leave you or forsake you.”  That puts the doubts and fears way back there…in the corner.  I wish I could say they are gone…but that wouldn’t be the transparent truth. His definition of prosper and harm are different than mine. So there are fears and hopes...side by side... you know me,  I am all about that transparency thing.  J 

There is power in the blood.  I now know exactly what that means.  I cannot believe the difference in how I feel.  I did not realize how bad I was doing until today.  I have pep in my step for the first time in months.  My eyes even look different…more sparkle.  I have color in my face again.  I cannot help but think of how blood touches and empowers my whole being.  I know I have written about this before but I think it is worth revisiting.

            Red blood cells supply your body with the oxygen it needs to function.  They deliver this much needed ingredient to every cell.  When your red count is as low as mine was, your body is being deprived of oxygen and therefore, you are weak and tired. Your heart pumps harder trying to meet the demand but there is not a supply…or rather there is nothing to deliver the supply.  It is not that I did not have oxygen, but that there were not enough blood cells to supply it to the body.  So, if I exerted any energy, my heart would pump furiously causing me to be out of breath most of the time.  Many times, I was light-headed and had the feeling of vertigo.  It was scary. 

            When my count went up and then back down, I decided (actually the doctor decided) on a transfusion.  When they transfuse you, it is not whole blood.  I guess they could if you needed it, but for me they only needed to add red cells.  My white cells are doing fine and back in normal range.  My platelets, on the other hand, are still dropping and I may have to have them transfused if they do not increase this week.  Saturday, I only got red cells.  These are the ones that carry oxygen. Once they had typed my blood, they hooked me up for a 5-hour transfusion of new life giving blood.  I had two units.  Because they pre-medicate you, to avoid any kind of allergic reaction, I slept through most everything.  When I woke up, I felt better almost immediately.  Today I feel as though I could fly.  I am sooooo much better.

            Now for the lesson of the blood. (You know I cannot pass up a great analogy 😉  Think of your heart as God the Father.  It pumps the blood and the oxygen through your body.  It is the source of life.  With every pump, it sends the blood, specifically the red blood cells, throughout your body.  You breathe in oxygen.  It goes into your lungs and into your blood stream.  The oxygen is the Holy Spirit.  Every cell desperately needs oxygen to function.  So the Holy Spirit flows but, it has no entrance into you without the red blood cells to transport it.  I bet you guessed it, the red blood cells are Jesus.  They make a way for the life giving oxygen to enter into the cells to bring the power of life to you.  So the whole circulatory system is a picture of the trinity and how it operates in our lives.  God keeps your spiritual heart beating, the Holy Spirit gives you breath, and Jesus’ blood transports the life giving forgiveness when you ask him. And just as red blood cells remove waste from our cells, he also removes the life-stealing sin from our lives. Life is upside down, you are experiencing vertigo until you ask him in. You do not really know how bad you feel and how weak you are until you get a transfusion of his blood, then you feel as if you could fly. You are clean and whole…the Holy Spirit rushes in and brings the breath of God’s love into every fiber of your being. How cool is that!  His blood sacrifice makes a way for us to live, he delivers the love that God pumps to us through the oxygen rich Holy Spirit. The bible says that all creation testifies of him…that includes our bodies.  He truly is everywhere. There is power in the blood.

I got my new blood today.  I already feel better.  I think a couple of days I will feel like a new person.  They are still watching my platelets closely since they are so low.  Hopefully they will come up by Monday...when I have to have another blood test.  I guess it will always be in flux for awhile depending on the ups and downs of my blood work.  When all is in the normal range then it will be a for sure upswing.  I do have a CT scan on Monday where they will have to give me an IV.  I do not look forward to that. The next week I go to the doc to hear what is in the scan...hopefully nothing.  Today was a step in the total healing process and I learned even more about blood...more later on that.

Bill's dad was just a few doors down from me today.  He was doing well...up and around and everything.  Then they gave him his first food in a few days and he threw it all up.  So he is back on IV.  Please pray for him to get stronger so he can go home.  All of us are tired of hospitals!

I give up.  After trying and trying to avoid a transfusion I have finally come to the place of having to have one.  The first time they mentioned one I cried.  The second time I said no thank you.  The third time I said give me one more chance to get my blood up.  This time I said let's get this over with.  It is cool how God uses every little thing to prepare you for what you are going to face.  I am tired of being tired.  A week of work and I am exhausted.  My blood went down this week instead of up.  I am back in the danger range so tonight I went to be typed.  Tomorrow at 9:00 I get hooked up to get more life.  It will take 5 hours.  They say I will feel better...I hope that is true.