This past Saturday I went to a literary festival in Dahlonega. My good friend Beth Ann told me about it.  I had no idea what a literary festival was.  I hadn't ever been to one.  I didn't know what to expect...I guess I was thinking it would be a bunch of people that liked books, which I do, buying books.  But it turned out to be much more than that.  It was inspiring.  I heard some internationally known authors read from their work.  They had panels of authors telling how they got published, their steps when writing, how to find a literary agent and publisher...all kinds of helpful things.  I didn't stay for the whole thing, but I did get some very useful information.  I think it was a God thing that it just so happened that I would go to this festival a week or so after I finished the first chapter of my book.  I am going to be published...someday.  But now I know the steps it takes to get there.

It is so great when God keeps on prompting you to move forward with the dreams he gives you.  First he gives you a dream.  Then he gives you the gift to make that dream a reality.  Then you get the idea that because you are moving forward in it that it is up to you to make it happen.  Then he reminds you it was his to begin with and he gives you the exact steps you need to make it come to pass.  Then he pushes and pushes you to keep moving towards that goal. If we could just learn not to give up on his plan.  We well ourselves short so many times...to live fully...that means pursuing our dreams.

I was watching a person at a restaurant the other day.  He had a significant scar behind his ear.  You could still see the stitch marks.  I wondered what trauma he had been through recently to warrant brain surgery.  Last week at the doctor’s office, during my 3-hour wait, we tried to pick out which patients had wigs.  It was a big office shared by other doctors with other specialties so not every one there was a cancer patient.  We thought we were pretty accurate in our count…but you never know.  That is the truth.  Look around you at any given time and you never know what people are dealing with.  To see me walking around at a store or a mall you would never know I have battled cancer.  Most people cannot tell I have on a wig.  The ladies, I met along this bumpy road through cancerland do not always look sick either.  You never know.

I guess my point is that we do not really take the time to notice details.  Our lives are so busy we just go through the motions and never really take stock of the people we come into contact with daily.  That is a sad thing. If you look in their eyes sometimes, you can see the fear or the sorrow.  You can see the battle within or weariness.  Sometimes people are angry and bitter...or lonely.  Our world has such a different effect on each life.  When someone has the joy of the Lord, you can see that in their eyes too.

Next time you are in a public place with many people take a minute to notice.  Look at them and in their eyes.  Then pray for them.  Smile at them.  Talk to them.  You will be surprised at how much it will touch their hearts because…you never know.   

There are only two things that live beyond us…our heart words and our children.  Our contribution to the future is tied up in those two things. When I say heart words, I mean what pours from our hearts.  Some heart words are not actual words, but notes to a song or paint on a canvas.  They are the things that express our hearts in ways others can be inspired.  It is the depth of meaning that our heart words carry that lives on beyond our lives and touches the future.  When we are finished here, whatever we have poured into our children remains.  They carry with them our hopes, and dreams…our heart words.  If we did not have any they carry that as well. They carry what we were about while we were here and they pass it on...empty words or full ones.  

The thing about kids is they have selective memories.  Sometimes they remember our worst moments more than the outstanding ones. Their view of things can be entirely different than ours.  This is where our heart words come in. Our passions can live on for many generations after us.   To encourage someone with words is a great thing…but will they remember?  If you write the words down, record the song, paint the picture, or build the dream, then there is power. Any time they are discouraged, whether you are present or not, they can be inspired by what you left behind.  That is why we still read C.S. Lewis, and Detrick Bonhoeffer.  That is why we love great art or a great symphony.  That is why the bible still touches us today.  God’s heart words created life...his gift to us.  Ours can stir up that life or crush it.  That is the power our words have.

To live fully you have to think…if I died today have I done everything in life I wanted?  That means have I poured my heart words of life into everyone I love?  Is the passion of my life clear?  Have my heart words glorified the one who gave them to me?  Have I done all that he wanted me to?  I do not know how to explain it other than to say, I do not want to stand before the Father without pouring out what he had for me to give. 

Cancer does not give you guarantees.  Right now, it is gone and I have a clean bill of health.  As far as they know, I will live to be 90….as far as they know.  However, I do not know that because cancer does not tell its secrets.  So, if I find out in a year that cancer is back, what will I have done differently?  These are not meant to be morbid thoughts…but practical ones.  Right now…today…I think pouring out into the future is the most important thing…whether it is through my own children, my students or my heart words.  I want to paint a picture with my words so they will live on for hundreds of years beyond me.  I want to inspire someone to do what it is that God has called them to…to live fully, not to shrink back…to pour out their own heart words. Just think of how many people could be changed, inspired, moved, and empowered if just one of us lived like that.  I guess Jesus proved that.   If you do not have any heart words…I know the giver of words. He has some for you, so you can pour yourself out and use them to change your children…and the world.

I went to the oncologist yesterday.  He is the one overseeing my chemo.  He went over my CT scan which was normal and clear in every way!  He released me to go back to my other oncologist...my surgeon.  I will see her once a month for the next few months.  My blood count is still low but climbing.  I will have to have red shots for the next four weeks at least.  He said it would take at least that long for them to get into normal range.  He seemed pleased with my progress.  He said I was the only good case he had all day...all the rest were bad news.  We got there at 1:45 and left at 4:45.  I saw him for maybe 10 or 15 minutes.  He had a long day...God bless the people who do that job. 

I went back to curves tonight.  I made it around the circut twice...  I am taking it slowly but it felt good to stretch and move my muscles like that again.  I have missed the stress relief.  I am recovering.  It is offical.  My hair is growing...kind of...it is white.  This should be interesting...

I wrote this for the newspaper because they have a Mr. Romance contest every year to win a night out.  I am posting it here because I got the date wrong and submitted it a week after the deadline...chemo fog strikes again.  It is short and sweet...there was a word limit. Happy Valentine's Day!

I would like to tell you about a romance.  It is not all about moonlight and roses even though that is how it started 20 years ago.  Nevertheless, somewhere between candlelight and cancer life changed. What started as a friendship between Bill and I, has blossomed into a deep commitment “for better or worse…till death do us part.”  Marriage is never easy, but the trials of life build the bond of a lifetime.  This year, the fiery trials came from an unexpected illness.  I had a bombshell diagnosis of uterine and ovarian cancer that whisked us into the whirlwind that is Cancerland. 

During this journey, Bill has been by my side at every step.  He cried with me when I was afraid.  He held me during the panic following my diagnosis.  He sweated it out in the waiting room when they found more than they had expected.  I could not lift my head after surgery, so he did it for me. He helped me to stand when I could not bear the pain of it.  When my incision came open, he helped dress it daily.  He fed me when I did not feel like eating.  He drove me to chemo and sat for 6 hours by my side each time.  He held my hand when they tried to find a vein.  He comforted me when my bones ached.  He took me to doctor’s appointments and emergency rooms when I had infections.  When my blood was in the danger zone, he sat while they transfused me. The great thing is his smile and jokes made me laugh through the stressful moments. And now, he is helping me to heal and recover.  He is buying me clothes to make me feel pretty again. He going the extra mile to make it to doctor's appointments so he can support me and ask questions. This is an amazing man…God has given me.  He has shown me the love of Christ in an incomprehensible way.

Every teacher has bad days.  Days where you wonder if you are really making any difference at all.  When you hear a former student dropped out of school you can not help but think did anything I did matter. 

Then you have a breath of fresh air.  That happened to me yesterday.  A former student sent me flowers.  A note that said Mrs. Gunnin Happy Valentines Day.  Thank you for helping me learn to read.  I love you.  CB  It had hearts all over it.  I cried.  It is things like this that keep you going as a teacher.  As more and more stuff comes down from the state level that makes teachers jobs nearly impossible to do, it is these moments that I cherish.  I do make a difference after all...whether the state believes me or not.  🙂

I have a cold.  It is small but it is zapping my energy.  I have been using Airbornne 3 or 4 times a day and I think it is working.  I don't really feel all that bad...minor sore throat, small cough but all in all I am okay.  I have rested this weekend and I think that is a big help as well.  So far I don't feel like I need to see a doctor...Bill is watching me closely however.  I am mainly tired because of it.  It is amazing how this Airbornne helps though.  I could be a spokesperson!  Back to school tomorrow...we will see how I do while working...

Beauty is skin deep…or so the world tells us.  We live in a society that measures your worth on what dress size you wear.  And as much as I know that I am not measured by what I look like it still affects me.  I am not sure why that is.  I know in my heart that I am beautiful…that my outside does not determine my value.  The bible says that I capture his heart with one glance of my eyes.  Just looking in his direction makes him love me more.  It also says that I am the apple of his eye.  I don’t know what could be more clear.  Yet, I look in that mirror and I don’t like what I see. 

The weight has been an issue for many years and now I am bald, have no eyelashes and my eyebrows are drawn on with a pencil.  Last week, Bill took me shopping for new clothes.  He said I needed some new things to make me feel beautiful.  I fought it because I did not want to face the mirror.  He insisted.  I burst into tears the first round in the dressing room. I refused to go back for more.  He insisted.  I melted down right there in the store.  I am sure the sales woman was concerned for me as Bill held me, told me I was beautiful, and said to go back in there.  It took about three more times of this before I finally resigned myself to get it over with.  I honestly think I realized that Bill would not let me leave the store without at least one beautiful outfit even if I had to try on everything they had. 

He had to give me several pep talks and emphasize that I was looking at things all wrong.  My “Frankenstein stomach” he said is a sign of victory.  My body that is so different is what has made my spirit so much more beautiful.  As I tried to listen to his words, I was struck with how hard it is to hear God’s voice in the matter of beauty.  He says that he is enthralled by your beauty…Ps. 45:11  How beautiful you are my darling, oh how beautiful your eyes are doves…Turn your eyes from me; they overwhelm me…Song of Solomon.    The entire book of Song of Solomon gives us a very detailed picture of the love he has for us as the bride and yet we let magazines steal that view from us. The scripture is so clear throughout that beauty is not outward adornment but a beauty of the heart. 

The question the Lord asked me was “Who do I say that you are?”  My husband answered that question when I could not. Cancer tried to steal my view of my body…which wasn’t good to begin with.  It made it somehow harder to look in that mirror. Bill made me face my perception of myself and align it with what God says about me.  I am grateful for that.  I had to face the mirror…of God’s word.  I discovered that I am more beautiful than ever.

There was a mix up last week...since I missed my doctors appointment.  When Bill was at the right place and I was at the wrong one, he asked about my blood work.  They said things were still low but climbing and that I didn't need any shots or more blood to be drawn.   Then the next day the chemo lab called and said that I needed another CBC to watch my platelets.  I had that done yesterday.  Today they called and said that my platelets are up to 77.000.  That is a big jump from the 21,000 they were...so that part is good.  My red count however, is not as high as they would like, even though I had a transfusion.  She told me today that I should have had my red count shot this week.  She didn't realize they had told me not to and assumed that I had it on schedule.  All of that to say that I have to go next week...on my make up appointment...and have bloodwork and another shot.  I am disappointed but not crushed about this.  I kind of thought that I should still be having them until I am in normal range.  I don't like the way the shot makes me feel but I would rather have it than go back to how I was feeling before my transfusion. 

I am off now to have a date with my husband in the outfit he bought me last night....

My diabetes doctor visit went well today.  She is going to keep an eye on my diet...she is sending me to someone to help me out with my foods.  She is also checking my thyroid etc...  The lab lady got blood on the first try.  She didn't have any personality.  You know that when Bill can't get someone to talk or laugh it is bad.  She stuck me hard and deep but she got all she needed so I am not complaining. 

After we got a bite to eat Bill took me to get a new outfit.  We are going to a Valentines dinner the church is sponsoring.  He has to wear his tux because he is playing.  So he took me to find something new and pretty.  While we were there he also bought me a few new work outfits as well.  He knows that I need new clothes, hate to shop and will not spend money on myself.  It was exhausting but I have some new things that are nice.  Bill was trying to perk me up and help me find some things I feel pretty in.  It was very sweet and he was very patient with me.  Tomorrow night we will be stepping out and looking good.