Why is it that some families have so much more heart ache than others?  I just found out that the husband of a friend of mine has a brain tumor.  This particular woman has been such an inspiration to me during my illness because she is a cancer survivor.  She walked me through her own experiences to reassure me that I could do it.  She is proof that cancer does not always win.  She sent me cards regularly when I could not be at work.  Her questions were always right on target when she asked about my progress.  When I was in the office working, she always offered a smile of encouragement.  Now she is facing the unknown again. 

Her husband, just a few months from retirement, is having painful headaches.  Tests have come back with bad news.  Although the biopsy is still in the works and the results have not come back, I am sure the waiting and worry are all too familiar.  The shock from this kind of news is like a physical blow.  Your body goes into survival mode at the same time your mind goes numb.  One foot in front of the other is all that you can do…one minute, one test result at a time.  I do not understand why one family has to endure two such major issues.  Sometimes the rain never seems to stop.  One thing I do know about my friend is that she will be leaning on the arms of Jesus.  It is what got her through her own illness and it is what will get her through now.  I know that in some way God will get the glory out of this.  There will be a new depth of faith and bonding of relationships.  I wish for her sake that there were an easier way.  I believe that God still heals and wants to heal.  My prayer for her is that the Lord would do a miraculous healing in her husbands head.  That is the most glorious prayer I can think of at this shocking moment. 

I am feeling much much better today.  I think the antibiotic has kicked in.  The good part of that is the pain has stopped, the down side is that this particular medicine is hard on my stomach.  Only a few more days of it though.  I am getting to work out pretty regularly this week.  That is helping already.  They say it will help me produce more red blood cells...I say yeah to that.  I go for my shot on Thursday...maybe the last.  My hope is that the exercise will give the medicine and my blood a boost.  Only the blood test will tell...

I have had a small set back...another urinary tract infection.  I have to say that now that I have tasted health again I am not very patient with feeling bad.  I am on medicine and I go to see the doctor on Thursday to see what she has to say about the high number since my surgery.  I am hoping that my bladder hasn't dropped to the point I need more surgery to correct it.  So far she seems to think medicine and physical therapy...exercises...will help it.  We will see.  I am feeling much better today now that the antibiotics are in my system.  It came on fast and furious last night at about 7:00.  By 9:30 I was doubled over with spasims.  I called the doctor and got her out of bed at 10:00 to call me in some medicine to an all night pharmacy in Gainesville.  At 11:00 we were in Gainesville picking up medicine.  The up side is that at least we didn't have to go to the ER.  The down side is that today I am exhausted.  I did try to squeeze in a work out at curves this evening between soccer and guitar lessons.  It still feels good to work out.  I have lost about 4 more pounds in the past couple of weeks!!!  Yeah.  That exercise thing really helps!

This blog is for my friends (there are several of you) that are going through difficult trials and suffering at this very moment…you know who you are. J I do not know if you have ever read the book, Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard but if you have not you really must get it…especially if you are suffering. It is based on the scripture Habakkuk 3:19 “The Lord God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds’ feet, and he will make me walk upon high places.”

 I am reading it again.  It is one of my favorite books to read when I am experiencing suffering and sorrow, so every time I go through difficult times I read it again.  It is a comfort because it shows the spiritual journey Jesus takes us on and why sorrow and suffering are “allowed” on the journey.

            In the preface of the book it says, “The Song of Songs expresses the desire implanted in every human heart, to be reunited with God himself, and to know perfect and unbroken union with him.  He has made us for himself, and our hearts can never know rest and perfect satisfaction until they find it in him.  But the high places of victory and union with Christ cannot be reached by any mental reckoning of ourselves to be dead to sin, or by seeking to devise some way or discipline by which the will can be crucified.  The only way is by learning to accept, day by day, the actual conditions and tests permitted by God; by a continually repeated laying down of our own will and acceptance of his as it is presented to us in the form of the people with whom we have to live and work, and in the things that happen to us.  Every  acceptance of his will becomes an altar of sacrifice, and every such surrender and abandonment of ourselves to his will is a means of furthering us on the way to the High Places to which he desires to bring every child of his while they are still living on Earth.  The lessons of accepting and triumphing over evil, of becoming acquainted with grief, and pain and ultimately of finding them transformed into something incomparably precious; of learning through constant glad surrender to know the Lord of Love himself in a new way and to experience unbroken union with him…these are the lessons of the allegory in this book.” 

I must say that I could not have written it better myself.  I know it sounds like a commercial for the book and I guess maybe it is, but it is also the truth as I know it.  Laying down the control of our lives through cancer or any other traumatic experience leads to our growth in him.  We become more united in Jesus’ sufferings and therefore more like him.  It is hard thing to do but it is worth it for the depth of relationship we gain with him.  The yearning we have to love and to be loved fully in return is a common thread throughout humanity.  If we can simply trust him that all he allows is for our transformation, the love we desire can be ours…if only we can surrender our control.  He glories in our every attempt, because he knows are hearts are afraid.  It takes faith, which is really just trusting in his love of us, to surrender the fear to him.  It is a journey…a daily journey to the high places of his love. 

We have taken Hannah to Berry for the weekend.  They are having a Discover Berry event for high school juniors and seniors.  She wanted to come...though she said she could probably lead the tour. 

I got word today that my red count is up to 10.7.  That is not too far from the goal of 12.  I am still a little achey from my shot yesterday but feeling okay.  I have been extremely busy and I am trying to balance myself back out as I take on life again.  It is a struggle to do all I do and not forget the new priorities and outlook.  More on that later...

Tomorrow I will be getting what I hope will be one of my last shots.  I have at least one more next week, but then they will check my counts and hopefully I won't need anymore.  I am feeling good.  I have more energy than I have had in a long time.  I guess the changes in coming back up will be gradual just like they were in the going down.  I keep thinking that I couldn't feel much better but then I do.  My hair is coming back...I have a fairly good white fuzz...yes I said white.  My eyelashes are coming back in and so are my eyebrows.  I am on the way.  I have been back at Curves this past week...that feels good too.  I have an appointment with my surgeon in a couple of weeks.  I have been transfered back to her.  I will be interested in what she has to say.  She will monitor me once a month for  awhile.  I also have an appointment with a nutritionist to work on my diet.  I have moved to a new phase.  I am in recovery...and expecting my health to continue to improve. This place is much easier than where I have been but not so far that I have forgotten.  The other side is a good place to be.

When I was walking in the woods the on Saturday I had an interesting experience.  I parked in an area designated for parking.  I was the only car.  I walked a little ways down the river. I saw a rock with a name painted on it and the dates…like a headstone or a memorial stone.  It was on a bed of rocks and I thought it was a nice gesture there on the riverbank, a wonderful memorial in this picturesque place. I continued and crossed a small creek then hiked up to some giant rocks.  I sat on one for a long time just to watch the river and listen. 

Soon, on the road that runs next to the river, there were 8 to 10 cars.  I thought it odd that there what seemed to be a procession in the middle of nowhere.  From a distance, I thought it sounded like they parked in the same parking area where I was parked.  I was not concerned, but I did think I had better head back soon.  I figured I would hear voices since it was a kind of cleared out area with fire pits and such.  Maybe they were having a reunion, or some kind of party.  As I climbed down from my perch and began my hike back, I noticed a crowd of people gathered.  They were drinking beer and dressed all in black.  I figured they were bikers, only without bikes. I was a bit nervous because they were between my car and me. 

As I scoped out a roundabout path, I noticed they were all wearing the same black hooded sweatshirts.  It was unusually quiet for that number of people.  I noticed that they were gathered around the rock I had seen earlier in a semi-circle.  At one moment, five of them threw ashes up in the air and into the river.  There were hugs and tears, followed by toasting.  Evidently, I had stumbled into a memorial service.  It was an odd thing to watch not really knowing what was happening.  However, even from a distance I could feel the sorrow.  I had just been inspired by the nature all around me and then this unexpected event charged in to “my” space.  Only it did not take away from my thoughts, rather added to them. The commonality of death was once again in my face.  It was not morbid or depressing but an urging to look carefully at life and to take nothing for granted.  The ashes blowing in the wind were crying out my motto…live fully!

I love to walk in the woods.  When life is loud or confusing, the quiet of nature calls me to come.  However, today all of nature was crying out as I hiked.  I could see life lessons in every stone, branch, and leaf.  I tried to shut out my thoughts without success. I could write a book sitting in one spot along the river.

I know that all of creation testifies of him.  I believe that is why I am so drawn to it.  It teaches.  The seasons, the storms, the ocean…are all instructors of his nature.  The play on words is intentional.  His nature is revealed in nature.  Please do not be confused by this.  God’s joy is seen in the waters as they leap over the rocks. Trees growing in strength over countless years show us his patience. The delicate wildflowers are evidence of his gentle kindness just as the great roar of the waterfall is a demonstration of his power.  All of nature cries out to us, “Look.  Listen.  The Creator is here.” 

I watched the water flow, slapping the rocks as it went, in such a hurry to get to its destination.  It giggles as it rolls along the banks…rushing towards the ocean as if it was a race. The ocean of God’s love is worth racing towards.  In my life, I desire to flow in joyous abandonment like the water in the river.  I have a longing to give up my self-focus with a joyful heart so I can blend with others as we race towards God.  I want the joy of the Lord to be my strength. 

Along the edges of the river, there are stagnant pools filled with slime. The life of the flow does not reach these pools.  The water is putrid and dirty.  In life, there is no joy in holding onto bitterness, it stagnates the heart just as the pools beside the river.  With the flow of the water, there is forgiveness and without it, there is death.  I want to choose life and flow so I must also choose forgiveness. 

The rocks in the center of the river would seem to impede the flow and yet, the water swirls around them and continues moving towards the ocean.  In fact, the gurgle seems the loudest as it crosses the rocks.  The oxygen bubbles up and whitewater is the result.  The water closest to the rocks is the purist because of this oxygenation. 

Rocks of affliction try to stop the joyful flow of my life but despite the tumbling turmoil, I continue to move towards God’s love.  As I go around or over the rocks in my way, my cries to him become loud like the rushing of the water.  He brings his spirit to breathe life into me.  My heart is the most transparent when I am in this place of hardship.  I am cleansed in some way; having suffered and it deepens my relationship with him.  This allows me to gain compassion for those rock crashers around me.  We share this breaking in a common stream as we continue to move together through the rocky places in life…with joyous abandonment.  The nature of God is a river of joy.

Okay, so Max Lucado doesn't answer his mail directly and his agent is confidential information...I pretty much figured that.  But I DID get a reply from his assistant editor...or something like that.  They are sending me a packet that they send to all the writers that contact them...I guess I am not the only one that wants to write like Max when I grow up.  The packet is a how to get published packet...so we will see if my stepping out continues forward.  

I had a shot yesterday for red blood and had more blood taken.  It is very routine now.  I hopefully will hear good things today about my blood.  I have two more shots for sure, before they reevaluate if I need more.  That is it for now.

I was talking to a friend today about fear and how it holds us back from stepping out into what we are called to do.  I think that it is hard to live fully when you are afraid.  Your passion, that which is desperately trying to pour itself out from within you, is paralyzed by fear.  Panic overwhelms and makes us squirm like a worm on a fish hook  We want out and away from the pressure…but we are caught. 

Fear stretches our faith, it causes us to question and grow. We search for the heart of God when we are afraid.  Once we find him, freedom follows.  We see that he is bigger than our small view of life.  Surrendering our fear becomes possible when our view of God changes.  Then the freedom to move and to pour out what we carry comes.  It is the stepping off the cliff of fear that builds our faith.  He will catch us.  He will set us free.  Standing on the edge causes us to hope against hope and to blindly trust.  The fall into his arms is the freedom we seek.  It is exhilarating and causes us to wish for more.  Each time we are on the edge we wrestle again with the high stakes of the step off.  But freedom brings us to the place where we learn to jump into his arms, like a child to its father.  Then he sets us free to fly by his grace.  We soar high above the pond where we were once squirming on the hook.  We are free to follow our dreams and use our gifts.  Come soar with me!