A couple of weeks ago at church during worship, I felt the Lord speak to my heart.  He asked me, “Will you be transparent in your worship?  Will you allow my glory to show in your life?”  My answer was, “Yes, of course.”  I was caught up in the moment and feeling grateful for my improved health, otherwise I might have hesitated. I have found that usually when God asks an opened ended question it is best to consider what he is asking of you before answering.  This case was no different. 

He asked me, “Will you worship me on Easter…without your wig?  Will you allow others to see me glorified as you worship me…bald?”  Now wait just a minute!  I have been transparent through this journey.  I have written from the heart and not held back my tears or deepest fears.  I did what I felt he asked of me…but this?  I did not know if I could.  I am a behind the scenes person and do not like to be noticed. 

He assured me that this step of obedience would bring him glory.  I was infused with the desire to follow his words to me.  I had peace that he was asking me to do this for a reason.  I saw that the hair, or lack thereof, has become a symbol…like a badge of honor.  It excitedly declares, “I have made it!  I survived!  God raised me from this disease of death and given me life!  I have come out of the tomb!”  To worship him in this moment, with abandon, while all those around me watch, is a testimony to his glory.  He was asking me to step out of my comfort zone and to demonstrate his power by becoming a picture…a picture of his strength in the midst of trial.  He wants me to be seen and he wants me to speak the words he has given.  I agreed.

Today, as I prepared for church I was getting nervous.  I asked my children if it would embarrass them for me to go “wig-less.”  They all encouraged me to do it.  It was cold, so I thought I would find a hat to “keep my head warm.” Indecision was winning the battle.  It had been so clear just a couple of weeks ago, but now it seemed silly.  Then, in a moment of strength, I got in the car and drove away…no wig, no hat, no looking back.  I was nervous. In Sunday school, Bill came to my rescue, sitting by my side and holding my hand.  Then in church, I was able to sing with my hands raised and tears flowing.  I sang of death and resurrection with new meaning in the words.

  I felt a new beauty radiate from me…his beauty.  It did not matter what was happening around me, because I was caught up in worship with him. Afterwards, many people came to hug me.  I guess the hair is a reminder that I have been sick.  Some thanked me, some rubbed my head, some congratulated me, and some were in tears.  It was interesting to hear and watch the reactions that were so different from other weeks.  I had the chance to speak of MY resurrection Sunday and the symbol of new life repeatedly. It was a wonderful Easter to step into something new God has done in my life.  It was my coming out party…out of the tomb!

Today is Saturday and I have gathered all of my chickadees back into the nest.  After a week with just one or two in and out it is nice to have them all home again.  Hannah and Aaron arrived right on time despite the air traffic controller strike in Brazil.  I'd like to thank the Brazillian Air Force for that!  They are exhausted but happy.  They asked for me to stop and get fried chicken, fried okra sweet tea, and mashed potatoes for lunch...l guess they missed southern food!  They came home and were happy to see their rooms clean and fresh, without having to do any of the work!  We looked at all the pictures on the computer. They have had long hot showers and put in the laundry.  Aaron is playing a new video game with William and Hannah is getting ready to take a nap.  It is good for them to be home. We will be getting details for days...the first thing said was how faithful God is...that was a theme of the trip even though they don't plan to have themes, I love it when God does that!  He showed them himself all along the way.  They are already planning next year!

I am struck by how dirty a house can get in such a short time.  I have been spring cleaning for the past two days and haven't gotten beyond one or two rooms!  I know that I have been neglecting the house but this is ridiculous!  It is quite the same as our hearts...you knew I had to go there didn't you?  If we neglect them they build up with trash and dirt...sin.  You know what I mean.  Not blatant things, not even terrible things...but things that keep us from God.  Then we are lonely, or bitter and we wonder how we got to this place.  We really shouldn't wonder...because deep down we know.  I am not talking about a performance here...not a checklist that you must do to be a "good Christain"...but a relationship.  We have all had enough checklists for a lifetime.  No I am talking about time spent allowing God to change you. Humbling ourselves by facing ourselves. He loves it when we do that.  He brings forgiveness when we cannot do it.  He is a constant companion when the rest of the world has abandoned you.  He brings hope into fearful situations and life instead of death.  Yet we still close our hearts to him...or maybe not all of our hearts...just one or two rooms.  We don't want him to go there and see the dirt we have let build up.  We are embarassed but, in this Easter season, his blood is available to do a deep clean...actually it is available every minute of every day.  We are the ones that need a special day like Easter to mark our beginnings.  His mercies are new every morning.  What better time than to clean out and begin anew, than today?

My spring break has been full of fun.  So far I have had a mamogram and a bladder test...see what I mean?  Fun!  Today I had a bladder test to determine if I am going to need surgery.  I won't know the results for a week.  The test was not really fun...but we did determine that I am not emptying all the way.  That could be part of the problem with the urinary tract infections I keep having.  This test will give alot of information and will help to decide if I need bladder retraining, medicine or surgery.  How do they retrain my bladder?  After this test today, I am afraid to ask.   The mamogram was my yearly test...nothing extra.  I didn't have one last summer after my whirlwind journey began so I am playing catch up. 

Hannah called yesterday from Brazil.  Things are going well there.  Today was a building day and tomorrow will be as well.  Tomorrow night they will have the dedication service.  I know it seems very fast but building a church there isn't the same as here.  Their building standards are relaxed...otherwise they wouldn't have teenage girls doing the work!  Thursday they have a free day and are going to the beach.  If you look at South America they are on the most Eastern tip.  She said it is a rural area and that the houses are far apart so there are not as many children to play with as previous years.  That evidently has made the building go faster, not having to stop and play with kids during the day.  She said the area is beautiful and totally different from the other areas she has been to.  Aaron is having fun as well.  He has bonded with an 8 year old boy and they are big buddies.  He did get sick on the plane on the way over.  I asked him if he took his dramamine and he said, "right before I threw up."  He plans to take his medicine earlier on the flight back. They did not know any more about the strike so I am assuming things are go for them to return home.  They leave on Friday but will not be back until Saturday...they will fly all night.  Please continue to pray for them as they travel.

There are some wonderful people in Cancerland.  Many strangers turn to friends along the way when there is a common bond of pain and heartache.  It is not unlike the mommy phenomenon that joins all who are mothers.  I remember being stunned that I could stand in a line at Wal-Mart, and talk to a total stranger about constipation or ear infections.  The same holds true in Cancerland…the words are different, but the idea is the same. I could hold a conversation about blood counts or nausea with someone across the country and we are bonded. 

In my graduate class, there is a woman whose son is battling brain cancer…again.  He has had a recurrence, after being declared cancer free.  This nightmare is one that those in Cancerland live with…that you may never truly leave Cancerland. This mother is in my online class and lives across the country from me, but my heart breaks for her as they undergo treatment again.  She was rejoicing over my blood count the other day when she wrote a line that struck me deeply, “Congratulations!  Enjoy your freedom and the extra time you have been given.”  These simple words have a profound meaning.

 Considering what she is currently facing, I take them to heart.  Every day I live without doctors, hospitals, and drugs means freedom.  I want to forget those days, and even though it has only been a couple of weeks, I have found that they are easy to delete from my memory.  She reminded me not to let them go but rather, to appreciate what they gave to me…extra time.  To think about it as ‘extra’ is unsettling.  However, in reality every day we live is an extra day.  We rarely look at it that way when we are complaining about work, or arguing with our kids.  It seems a burden on those days.  Yet, it is one more day we get to live this life.  We can use it to love our children, or make some kind of difference in the world around us.  On the other hand, we can choose to be bitter and unforgiving by holding on to our hurts or blinded to his love by our own faults.

  God made each and every day, and there is a purpose for each one.  We only have to remember to ask him to show us and then look for it.  That is what it means to be truly free…choosing his purposes over ours.  Peace instead of revenge.  Forgiveness over bitterness.  Life and love over death.  Our physical bodies may not cooperate, ahh but our hearts…our hearts are what matter. He only wants our hearts to be bonded with his.  The amazing peace that follows surpasses understanding.  Fears fall away and doubts take a back seat to his incredible redeeming love.  Our little pea-brains cannot fathom it, that is why it is called faith.  One step off the abyss and we are caught in the arms of Abba father.  He swings us around and looking into our eyes, he smiles…he laughs…and dances like a father with his child.  Amazing Grace…how sweet the sound.   How will you spend your extra time?     

All your prayer warriors out there can pray for Hannah and Aaron this week.  They left for Brazil yesterday morning at 9:30.  When they arrived in Maimi they had to sit on the plane because there was a power outage at the airport.  They had a 6 hour layover in Miami.  At some point they found out that the air traffic controllers in Brazil went on strike.  They didn't know if they could even get to Brazil.  After some delays they got word that their flight to San Paulo could go but there were no promises they would have their connecting flight when they got there.  They decided to risk it.  They got to San Paulo at 6:30 this morning but had to circle for extra times because of the fog.  When they landed it was past time for their connecting flight.  But as they were going through customs they found out that they had held the plane for our group...so they made their flight.  30 hours after they left here they finally arrived at their desination Ricefe, Brazil.  It has been an adventure already!  I am assuming since they got their flight that the strike is over.  We also found out today that their plane to San Paulo was the only one allowed in...all others were canceled. 

I figure that if there are so many forces at work against them getting there God must have something big planned for this trip.  I would appreciate your prayers for safety, as this chain of events hasn't been exactly comforting to a mom separated from her children.  All anxiety aside I do, trust God has them in the palm of his hand.  Those that are leading this trip have done it many times and they are connected to many churches in Brazil.  I am confident that they will handle any bumps that come up along the way.  I will update you when I hear more, which should be later in the week.

Guess what I found?  Another writing about a waterfall trip Bill and I took several years ago.  I think it is interesting to compare my writing with my writing.  Here is the "old" waterfall piece.  See what you think.

            I never cease to be amazed by how God is so visible in  nature.  It doesn’t matter how many summer nights I have watched lightning bugs, and the sound of katydids can still peacefully lull me to sleep.  In my lifetime, I have seen hundreds of waterfalls but if given the chance, I will drop everything at a moments notice to go and see the wonder.  I think it is true that all creation praises his name.  I love to watch for him in nature.  If I look and listen carefully, I always gain some new understanding about God that I didn’t know before. 

            It’s like nature is God’s word picture. For example, I love to watch the water hurl itself with abandon over the falls.  It never looks back or tries to go back up the falls.  As a kid, I used to try to watch one drop of water all the way down the falls.  You should try it sometime.  It is easy, just pick one drop, or group of drops as they come over the top then with your eyes follow just that group until they get to the bottom.  It kind of makes the waterfall go in slow motion.  Once you have done it a few times you begin to see the waterfall is actually made up of many individual drops.  We tend to just watch them as a whole, but when you watch the parts of the whole, it is fascinating. 

            My husband and I went to a local waterfall last week for our anniversary.  It is just like God to put us together with someone who sees a different perspective than ours.  My husband is a musician therefore he hears music everywhere.  I am a writer, so I see things like pictures in my mind.  So as I am looking at the drops of water, he is hearing them.  We stopped all along the trail to listen to the water.  He pointed out to me that the waterfall sound we love is made up of many individual sounds.  And when I closed my eyes and listened I found he is right.  I could hear the hiss of the foam as water went over the rocks.  I could hear dripping and swishing yet, when you do not try to pick those sounds apart I only hear rushing powerful waters.  God is a great teacher.  He used both mine and my husbands learning styles to teach us the same thing.

You know I cannot resist writing about the nature of God when an opportunity presents itself…this weekend Bill and I went to a waterfall and I was inspired. 

First, I was just so grateful to be there.  I hadn’t recognized the part of me that thought I would never be able to walk to a waterfall again.  That part surfaced after our long walk into the valley to see Dukes Creek Falls.  Watching the water launch from the heights brought my own tears flowing.  After the realization that I am free to walk and move again, I took a long rest on a bench basking in the sun.  Just watching and listening to the water…waiting to hear Gods voice and to see him in the day.  He did not disappoint. 

Waterfalls show us so much about the power of God.  The force of the waters leaping creates a beautiful image of God pouring himself out for us.  Humility was the very nature of Jesus that caused him to lower himself to the highest place of servanthood.  Only God could think of lowering himself to display his power…it is the opposite of how we think, but the waterfall shows us.  The drops throw themselves over the top and down to the pool below.  There is exuberance as they go as if they are shouting or singing of the secret to the power.  The lowest place is the highest.  The river of joy that carries peace in its current now shows us how to leap out in faith…to fall on our faces with beauty. 

It is amazing really to think of how powerful falling can be.  There is force in the fall that causes us to abandon control of our own lives.  Once the leap over the edge is made, the rest is up to God.  Where he takes us, how long it takes us to get there, what happens along the way becomes a matter of trusting him.  We allow him to demonstrate his power through our lives…not by striving to do so, but by humbly jumping into his arms.  The prayers we cry out when we fall are like the voices of many waters…powerful...beautiful.  They are music to his ears, as the sound of a waterfall is to ours.    

I have not fallen off the planet.  I know you are wondering what has happened...LIFE has happened.  I am better and my children's schedules have picked up because it is spring.  I am excited to report that the doctor said I don't have to return to her until July!  My shots are finished!  The only thing medical I have coming up is a bladder test...to try to find out why I keep having these infections and to see if my bladder needs "retraining."  I didn't even know that was possible!  I will have this test over spring break and we will see what the result is.  The doctor did not seem to think I need surgery.  My bladder is in the right place and has not dropped but she wants this test anyway just to get a clearer picture of what is going on.  I am relieved to have most of the medical behind me...now the goal is to make it to the five year mark with no reocurrance.  As you can tell my writing time has been cut down considerably because my life is picking up...and I am back in graduate school with a paper due every week.  I have enjoyed this blog and it has pushed me to write daily.  I will continue it...though maybe not quite everyday.  I am still going to write a book and I will post some of what I am working on here first for your comments and feedback.  I am grateful for all your prayers and would love to continue to recieve them as I walk through these next recovery stages.  You are all such blessings to me I am indeed a blessed woman!

A strong floral scent hangs in the air.  Roses and carnations in the colors of spring surround the room.  Teddy bears gaze out between the baby’s breath, and pink balloons float over a child-sized casket.  This picture should not happen.  Innocence and death do not belong together in the same room. It does not seem right for a beautiful, almost three year old girl, to be lying in such a place.  My mind cannot grasp it.  The images on the running video screen are scrapbook photos… birthday parties, trips to see Santa, and family gatherings. 

Tragedy strikes in the most unlikely places.  Little Emily would have been three years old soon, but she drifted away in her sleep before she could make it to her birthday. Somehow, when it is a child, the line between life and death seems more precarious…like a tightrope.  Isn’t that why we, as parents, try so hard to protect our little ones?    We hope to be the net that catches them when they fall. However, when the worst happens it hits home that we have no guarantees. This is where faith comes in…trusting that God knows, even when we cannot possibly understand.  There are no words to explain the grief and pain.  There are only questions.  We cling to one another and ask questions as our faith quakes around us. 

It is a wonderful thing that our God knows what it is like to lose a child.  His heart knows this horror.  His arms have ached with emptiness.  His eyes have filled with tears of grief.  He knows this kind of love that breaks hearts so deeply…so in turn, he can comfort us.  There is a blanket of peace as we turn to him in this despairing moment.  He reserves a sweetness for the brokenhearted.  He knows.  He has been there.

Emily loved heroes.  She wanted to be one like on TV.  Even at such a young age, she instinctively knew that to help people and save lives is a great thing.  To fully understand that desire is not necessary to a child.  Children just know. Emily got her wish. As she ran into the arms of Jesus, her little heart provided life to another. She became a hero.  The heart wrenching pain will remain, but there is comfort in the life she left behind.  There is peace knowing that she is, at this very moment, in the arms of Jesus.