I heard from my doctor yesterday.  He is recommending surgery for my bladder problem.  Oh boy!  More fun.  I am to the point with the infections that I am ready to get it over with.  I go on Monday to have a consultation.  He will go over my results and explain what he wants to do.  I do not know too much at this point.  Hopefully I will have a plan of action after the appointment.  I am telling myself that it is minor compared to what I have been through already.  My goal is to be doctor and medicine free.  That may take a few years but I am going to shoot for it anyway.  I am controling my sugar, and exercising so that I can do away with all of this junk. 

Today I went to school for the first time topless…actually wig-less.  I have been waiting because I wanted my hair to be longer and more filled in.  I also wasn’t sure I could handle the blunt honest comments that were sure to come my way.  Kids can be brutal without meaning to.  But it has gotten hot with two layers of hair so, I decided today was the day. 

The kids were surprised.  Some said I did not look like Mrs. Gunnin.  Boys with newly shaved spring haircuts thought it was cool that I had one too. One boy wanted to know why I got my haircut.  It told him I did not get it cut…it just fell out. That got their attention.  I told them my story in kid terms, and they were completely sympathetic.  They asked good questions and some of them were tough.  “Does cancer hurt?”  “How do you know if you get it?”  “What does it feel like when all your hair comes out?”  “How do they know if the medicine you get will make you well?”  On and on they went.

 Because we are currently raising money for Relay for Life, I made myself available to the teachers to come and talk about cancer.  I had the opportunity to share with 8 classes today!  It was an amazing thing to be able to help kids understand the disease they hear about all the time.  They had so many questions and almost every one of them knew someone with cancer. We talked about side-affects, low blood counts, surgery, lifestyles, hair loss, chemotherapy, shots, and a host of other related topics. 

My teacher friends were all supportive, many said I looked “chic.”  I think by coming out with it everyone was proud of me.  They felt my victory and saw it in my eyes as I talked openly.  It made others more comfortable with asking me about my journey. 

I must say that something in me changed a little more today.  When my head was first shaved, I hated it.  I did not like the way it looked.  I felt bad about my appearance.  My trip to the mall with Bill to buy clothes ended in a melt down because of what I saw in the mirror. At church on Easter, I cannot describe it but something changed…in my view of myself.  I think that God made it clear to me that he thinks I am beautiful.  What changed that day was that I received that into my heart.  Being stripped of all human beauty has been a part of living in Cancerland.  Yet, in the midst of the ugliness of the disease, I found beauty.  Today I was uncomfortable with the stares, but I held my head high.  My eyes stand out, and I have found that people look me in the eye more now. I smiled at people, because I am beautiful. I do not know it just because God says it…I feel it now.

When my own children relayed this story to me and I began to study what the Bible has to say about wings and feathers.  I can see two clear concepts.  The first is based on Isaiah 40:30-31.  It deals with mounting up on Eagles wings.

“He gives strength to the weary, and increases the power of the weak.  Even youth grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will walk and now grow weary.  They will walk and not faint.”  This is a picture of God’s wings being strong.  He is a support that helps us to soar towards his plan and purpose for our lives.

The second is the idea that we are covered with his feathers as in Psalms 91:4.  “He will cover you with his feathers and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.”  His wings are a place of protection.  To be beneath his wings is to rest and to know you are safe.  He says he longs to take us under his wings as a hen gathers her chicks in Luke 13:34.  Not one sparrow falls to the ground without his knowledge.  He is the protector.

Both of these visual pictures show us God’s faithfulness.  He will allow us, even guide us to fly…to be over the circumstances in life, not under them.  He gives us a God’s eye view so that we can see what is ahead, just as an Eagle surveys the land.  The wind of his Spirit keeps us aloft, moving towards his vision for our lives.  This powerful image inspires us to “fly with him.”

The image of his wings of protection, create a similar picture of his faithfulness.  Not only is he faithful to inspire us towards his vision, he also is faithful in his protection of us as we move towards it.  A hen tucks her little ones under her wing in a storm.  She, herself, takes the punishment of the weather in order to create a warm and safe place for them.  This is a picture of the self-sacrifice of Jesus.  He takes us under his wing.  He covers us with his feathers.  He does not expose us to the storm around us; he surrounds us with his love and care…even his sacrifice so we can be safe. 

The faithfulness of God to give those on the mission trip vision for the people of Brazil was evident as was his faithfulness to protect them.  The night of the church dedication there were words in Portuguese on the back wall of the church.  The kids asked what they said.  The answer was God is Faithful.  Amazing. The painter of the words had no idea that God had been speaking to the students about his faithfulness…but the giver of words did.  No one could have set that up as perfectly as God.    The feathers have created a picture worth a thousand words.  There will not be a feather seen by these young people that will not remind them of God’s faithfulness.  All of this from a small little feather?  You bet.  God delights in showing himself through small meaningful things.  He confirms his word so that we can see it all around us.  Under his wings we find refuge.

I love the fact that God uses word pictures to help us understand him better.  All throughout the Bible, he consistently shows himself by describing principles with visual images.  Recently, he used the image of wings and feathers to teach a group of students about his faithfulness.  The story begins when a group, on a mission trip to
Brazil , encountered obstacles while traveling.  Delayed flights, air traffic controller strikes, power outages, and fog had caused the question to be raised, “Are we really supposed to be doing this?” 

A youth pastor on the trip began to tell a story.  In an attempt to motivate he students back home in Alabama , he created a contest.  The youth ministry was in need of a name so the competition began.  Ultimately, the winner was a girl that came up with the name “The Wing.”  It was based on the scripture in Isaiah that says “You will mount up with wings as Eagles.  You will run and not grow weary.  You will walk and not faint.”  Shortly after the winner was announced, a praying mom in the group began to find feathers in unusual places.  Her first unexplained feather was in the youth building.  Then another floated to her one morning in her living room.  She felt the Lord direct her to Ps. 91.  “He will cover you with his feathers.” 

Soon students in the youth group also began to find feathers, under windshield wipers, or in their Bibles.  Considering she had not told them of her experiences this caught the attention of the youth pastor.  God spoke to the minister about his protection and faithfulness.  He then shared this story with our group of students while they were in Brazil .  Soon after, feathers began appearing....

More tomorrow... 🙂

I love the sun. There is no other feeling like soaking in it.  You can almost feel your skin slurping in the Vitamin D.  I was at a soccer game yesterday.  It was a perfect day, not too hot, not too cold.  The breeze was just cool enough to keep the sun from scorching heat.  I wore shorts and short sleeves…no hat.  In between cheering, I put my head back and let the sun kiss my cheeks.  Health radiated into me.  I was like a lizard on a rock, just basking, allowing my body to be the benefactor of the rays.  It felt good, refreshing…healthy.  I appreciate these little things more these days.  I am getting healthier by the day…I can feel it.  Today I am sunburned…just slightly…enough for my freckles to surface. The warmth of yesterday’s sun is a refreshing memory, but the Vitamin D still working!

I have some updates for you on my latest stuff.  My mamogram was normal...hurray!  My bladder test showed some "anotomical bladder issues." Whatever that means.  They said the transcriptionist forgot to put down what the doctors plan is to treat this problem...soooo we have to wait for the doctor to look at it again.  At least they apologized! I should hear something next week.  I went today and had my port flushed...what fun.  It is no big deal but I really didn't like having to go to the chemo lab again.  I have been free for a month and don't want to be there anymore.  I will be glad when I can have the port out...probably over the summer after they determine if my bladder needs surgery.  That's it for now...live fully!

I am on the safety committee at my school.  We are the ones that decide how our school handles crisis situations.  We develop the protocols and steps to keep our children safe.  Each time there is a school crisis in our nation, it forces us to re-think and re-design our procedures.  It could be a tornado, like the one in Alabama , that killed children who followed their school’s safety plan.  It could be a school shooting, like the one in Virgina, where students were killed senselessly.  We try to plan for it all.  The problem is that we cannot allow for every scenario.  And even if we did find a way to calculate every detail of every possibility we could not guarantee, that in those emergency situations, people would not panic.  This fact brings me to the truth…we cannot always be safe.  There are no guarantees.  However, if we are ruled by the fear of the possibilities, our lives become a prison.  The bars, our fearful thoughts, slam closed holding us captive. 

Freedom is a matter of trusting God.  I know that sounds overly simple in the face of such a horrific crime.  But isn’t that what faith is?  Trusting God when we cannot grasp reality?  We have to trust that he is just, and that he will execute his justice.  We have to trust that his grace is sufficient to handle the grief and pain that comes with monumental loss.  We trust him with the souls of our children, friends and family members.  It is not an easy thing to walk in faith.  In fact, it is just plain hard.  When tears are burning our eyes and we think our hearts will break…he holds us.  When our minds cry out to understand…he calms us.  He is our source of hope in the midst of our crumbling world.  He calls us to our knees when the images of the shootings in Virginia refuse to leave our minds.  He is bigger than bullets, but he cries tears over human choices just the same as we do. 

One of my favorite verses in the Bible is “He is close to the brokenhearted.”  I love it because it tells us that God’s presence is near in the midst of a traumatic event brought on by unthinkable human choices.  I often wonder, usually after horrific events like the shootings in Virginia , if God ever wishes he hadn’t given us the freedom of choice.  When we choose poorly, or even dangerously, and he watches his creation destroy itself, what does it do to him?  I think it breaks his heart, similar to when a child we love chooses poorly and has to live with the consequences.

The great thing about my God is that he feels what I feel.  He knows me better than I know myself…including my fears…and he loves me anyway.  Looking at the images of violence, sorrow, and grief, reminds us that he is whispering…Come to me, all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest. 

I had an unexpected reaction today.  I was going to the grocery store, and when I pulled into the parking lot there was a blood mobile.  Suddenly, my eyes were wet with tears.  This was totally out of the blue and I didn’t even really know why it had this effect on me.  I was not sobbing, just tearing up a little.  Surprised by this, I waited in the car until it passed, wondering what in the world caused this sudden reaction.

 I concluded that I am deeply grateful for those who give blood.  I thought about the person that gave the blood that I now have pumping through my veins and a deep appreciation welled up in my heart. I know that people who are regular givers do not think it is a big deal.  They just do it.  I want to tell them, that to those of us who get the blood, it IS a big deal…a very big deal.  I thought back to how much better I felt after my transfusion and thanked God for blood drives, blood mobiles, and nurses that care.  I also asked him to bless the one that contributed to my well-being.  For those of you that are regular givers…THANK YOU!  God bless you for your diligence and compassion. 

Can you tell I have been busy lately?  Life is hectic...and good.  Kids springtime activities are picking up and that gives me very little time.  I am enjoying "being here" for them...I appreciate the little and hectic things of life more now.  I haven't been home before 9:00pm this week so writing hasn't been a possibility.  Maybe this weekend?  We will see.

I know I said that I would have the results from my bladder test in a week...not yet.  I also was supposed to have the results from my mammogram...not yet.  The good news is that if it had been something terrible they would have called me right away...I know that now from experience.  I should hear something in the next couple of days on both tests.  In the meantime, I have gotten a yeast infection from the antibiotics I am on.  The cycle continues.  I am hoping the results from the bladder test give me some answers so we can stop this merry-go-round that I am on with the UTI's.  Even with the infection I am still feeling good.  I am working and active again...that is a blessing I will not take for granted!  I have abundant blessings and I will not let infections interfere...