Tips for testing…

• Get out of bed
• Yes. You have to.
• Coffee
• More coffee
• Deep breaths
• SERIOUS prayer time
• Wear your lucky shirt and socks and underwear
• Hold your head up high
• Look confident
• Hope that you pull it off
• Don’t let them see you sweat
• Prepare for the test
• Give blood, and your first born child to receive your testing materials
• Quiz your students while they are in line for the bathroom
• Don’t forget to take your testing materials to the bathroom with you
• They do not like being left alone
• Remember if you leave them alone you will lose your job
• Settle kids down
• Resist the urge to pull out last minute flashcards
• Begin bribery
• Promise them candy
• Promise them extra recess
• Promise them fun
• Beg
• Plead
• Wring your hands
• Give inspiring speech
• Set the timer
• More SERIOUS prayer time (silently of course)
• More deep breaths
• Sit still and do absolutely nothing
• For 2 hours
• Really
• No computer, no papers to grade, no books to read
• Count the little black holes in the ceiling tiles
• Twirl your hair  (while you still have some)
• Plan your family reunion (in your head)
• Plan a vacation to an exotic tropical location (in your head)
• Make a grocery list (in your head)
• Have some SERIOUS prayer time (in your head)
• Try to keep your coffee-filled body still
• No fidgeting
• No wiggling
• No tapping…feet or pencils
• Circulate the room to monitor (and to work off coffee jitters)
• But under no circumstances EVER look at the test
• Never. Ever.  Look.
• Your eyes will burn out of your head
• Your job will be in jeopardy
• You will be cursed forever
• It’s not worth it
• Do not cry when the first kid finishes in 5 minutes
• Do not break down when the next 6 finish in 10
• Do not worry
• All will be well…with your soul
• Do not beat your head on the desk when some of them raise their hands and ask you what multiplication is
• And under no circumstances answer them
• Do not allow the snoring of the first 7 kids that finish to disturb those who actually are trying
• Give a trashcan to any kid who thinks they are going to throw up
• Watch your timer closely
• Stop students when it goes off
• Try not to cheer out loud that day 1 is over
• More deep breathing
• SERIOUS prayer over testing materials before turning them in
• Practice for following day…all afternoon…ad nauseam
• Repeat all these steps
• Plus don’t forget to wash all your lucky clothing for the next day
• For five days
• Celebrate big when it is all over
• Remember you love children
• Remember you love teaching
• Say these things over and over again
• “I love children. I love children. I love children.”
• “I love teaching. I love teaching. I love teaching.”
• Hold your breath for 10 days until scores come back
• Ten days of SERIOUS prayer
• Remember that no matter what happens…
• You make a difference
• Far more than knowledge
• You impart confidence
• You impart wisdom
• You impart determination
• You impart belief
• You impart hope
• You impart courage to try
• You impart creativity
• You impart perseverance
• You impart the ability to THINK
• Never forget that
• A test cannot measure that