Melt down. I had one today. It seems for the past 47ish years I have been a stuffer. That is “one who stuffs emotions, both good and bad, while smiling and nodding.” Don’t know exactly how the events of my life added up to this, but it is a fact. I am on an even keel most of the time. The calm in the storm. The rock. The glue. I hold things together. I rescue. I put uncomfortable things aside…or should I say inside? I can function in the midst of stress of all kinds. Occasionally, however, the volcano inside of me blows like Mt. Saint Helens. The lava spews to the heavens. It can take the form of anger, but much more commonly, it comes through tears, as was the case today.
The thing is, that for the past 6 months or so God has been doing some deep work in my life. I have come face to face with some baggage, and in the process, my emotions have been uncorked. All of them. The good, the bad and the ugly. Put this together with cancer-forced menopause, children leaving the nest, and starting a new school year with a bum knee and you have the perfect storm. A simple request by my soon to be college freshman to hang with his friends put me over the edge. I started off angry, moved into frustration, then melted into tears. I guess I have been living with some anxiety about William’s move that went unrecognized until the flood today. Good grief I have done this already two times, you would think I would be used to saying good-bye to my children by now. (How do you moms of only children do it? I cannot imagine all at once.) I know they come back, usually in packs. I know they call. I know they still need their mom. Somehow, though, it is different. Not bad. In fact, it is time…it is good, but oh so hard.
Another thing I have learned, is that once you uncork a lifetime of emotion, you cannot re-cork it. That girl inside me will not allow it. She feels deeply…so deep it hurts. I guess that is why stuffing seemed a better way…less painful. Now I am trying to let my kids go as they keep insisting I should, but I cannot stop being a mom…feeling those protective feelings, wanting things to go well for them. It is a tangled web of heartache, grief, excitement, and joy all rolled together. I wanted feelings? Well I have them now…a ton of them, all mixed together. Sorting through them is exhausting, and so I quit trying. Is it a coincidence that all of this is hitting at the same time? Nope. God uses all things for his purposes. At some point, it will all make sense and I will find a happy medium between volcanic eruptions of tears, and the fullness of life. Until then, I will try to give myself some grace and allow the feelings to do their work…because He always finishes what he starts. Thank God for that.
“He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6