Attitude is everything.  When things do not go your way there are many ways you can handle it.  I was reminded of that last night at the production.  I have a friend who struggles with a terrible disease called ALS that steals your body functions one at a time.  We are blog buddies, but last night we got to see each other face to face.  Talking to him reminded me that God knows every detail of our lives …even where we sit at a concert or a play.  In addition, God loves us so much that he orders even the smallest details for our pleasure.  He sends friends (that will feed us cheesecake when we cannot feed ourselves), he allows us to meet people we never would have meet otherwise.  My friend also told me of how God has allowed him to affect others through his disease.  He has had so much more impact than if he had not gotten sick.  What the enemy meant for evil, God has transformed into good.  That strength of spirit is a testimony to the grace of God, even as my friend's body is wasting away.  What courage and faith that shows in his personal relationship with a loving, caring God whom he knows deeply.  Through all the difficulties, God proves faithful.  I needed that lesson.  Even in the chemo delays, he is with me and he cares about the little details…like seeing a friend at just the right time.  Thanks Frank. God blesses others, like me, through you.  I am glad you are my blog buddy, I'd be honored to feed you cheesecake anytime. ;)

It is production week...those of you that have done a production know what that is like.  It is busy, especially when the kids still have school all day, then practices, then production.  It is crazy around here!  I am feeling good most of the time.  I get tired easily, but I think that may be the schedule I keep.  I have been trying to rest some during the days so I can go watch my multi-talented family each night.  I love to watch.  It is always such a treat for me.  It is probably good that I didn't have chemo today.  I will get to do what I love. 

Life is complicated. The ebb and flow of day-to-day living and all the details can become overwhelming even if you are healthy.  Cancer makes it even more complicated.  Blood counts, medications, doctors in mass are all trying to coordinate your body to accomplish a worthy goal…life.  The problem is that sometimes the body does not cooperate.  Mine seems to be particularly prone to doing its own thing.  The delay in my treatment was a blow to me emotionally.  I compare it to getting psyched up about a big game or some momentous event and then having the rug pulled out from under you.  It is a let down.  Chemo is no fun.  I don’t like it but it is reality for me right now so I get my head into it.  I start set my face as flint for this battle and put on determination to face the foe in full armor.  When I am ready to go and they say no it is very frustrating and the light at the end of this long tunnel seems further away.  I know the problem.  I got ahead of myself.  I began to plan life four weeks from now.  Cancer doesn’t allow that luxury.  It is a one day at a time disease.

It is okay now because God is a one day at a time God.  He is in the now…a lesson he has been teaching me lately.  I forget.  I jump ahead.  I like order and schedule.  God made me that way I suppose, but now he is teaching me another lesson.  I have only one day and that is today.  I am not guaranteed another.  You are not either.  So how do I live this one?  Fretting, saddened, upset?  Or do I move on and live fully this day that I have?  I have to be reminded.  This part of God is hard for me.  Living totally dependent on him EVERY day is not the great American way.  However, this is the season I am in now, learning to be completely dependent on him even in the setbacks…knowing he has a purpose and a plan for all of this.  He will use it for his glory even when I am not feeling glorious.  Thanks to all of those that reminded me of this truth as I wrestled with my cancer-complicated life.  

I just found out my chemo has been delayed because my platelets are low.  I am tired and upset.  It is hard to delay when I am so close.  I am trying to look on the bright side...Christmas should be great without having chemo the next day, I will feel stronger next week, etc...  But right now it is fresh and it stinks.  I will get over it and move on but this puts going back to work off another week.  My prayer is that they won't get so low that I have to have a transfusion, that delays everything 3 weeks.  So far they aren't that low....Thank God for that.

For those of you that do not know, our church has a huge Christmas/Passion Play production each year. It is a dinner theatre and it is a big deal. All of my right brained family is in it except me. (I am the driver.)  Last night, we had a costume rehearsal.   This year’s production is very different from previous years except for the crucifixion and resurrection scenes. I have seen these two scenes for the past 10 years so I am very familiar with them. They touch my heart each year but usually at rehearsal, it is less intense because it is more about getting everyone in the right place etc… 

Last night Jesus was in blue jeans and a t-shirt. (They save the loin cloth and blood for the actual production 🙂  All the guards were in costume and all were acting, as they crucified him.  It was funny at first to see Jesus in blue jeans but then as I watched it became powerful. Somehow, the age-old event was transported to the present.  As the spot light was on him hanging there, the sacrifice he made became more real to my everyday, blue jean life. 

Agony and pain translate well to my current circumstance, even though I am aware his was much greater than anything I am going through.  To see him there, reminded me of the great lengths he went to then, in order to be with me today...in the now. Years ago, I had a dream where he came to me and said, “There is no time between us.”  That is because He lives above time.  Only I am limited by it.  He is not.  He provided for this moment in my life no matter what I am facing. He has been there to take the pain of it ahead of me and from me. What he did that day on the cross still stands, even in our blue jean world.

P.S. If you are in the area, the show is this Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Call me for tickets.      

Today I plan to go back to work...half a day.  I am having a massage this morning then to work I go.  I figure I can sit in a chair there and at least get credit for it.  I got out a little yesterday and sitting is fine...walking is the hard part.  I just get so weak so fast.  It is amazing to me how quickly little activity can bring a body down.  I realize that I am not in great health because of the chemo but still.  It makes me commit that once this is over, I am going to be active.  I can't afford not to!  Neither can any of you!  (That is a little plug for taking care of yourself.)

Have you ever noticed how boring your ceiling is?  I have been in bed for three days and I have noticed.  I am feeling much better today though…almost normal.  When I stand, I don’t have pain so that is a big improvement.  Now my biggest issue is that after I have been standing for 5 minutes or so my back gets very weak. I still cannot bend very well.  But I have made great progress and I think I will be able to be up and around slowly over the week.  By my chemo next week, I should be back and able to take it again…then only one more after that.  I am looking forward to my last treatment.  Everything is pointing to that and I can do this with the end in sight!

I think I am better today...I think.  I can get up and down by myself and I can walk.  That is an improvement.  My massage therapist is out of town but referred me to an awesome lady that came in today just to work on my back.  That made things much better.  I am almost certain after my massage that this pain is muscular which means that it will get better on it's own if I continue to baby myself  by staying in bed.  I have a couple of good books so I am hoping that I can make myself stay there until I am better.  Thank God that it isn't something more serious.

This journey of mine has taken yet another turn.  One more complication that has me back in my chair.  We took a midnight ride to the emergency room because I had extreme back pain that started for no apparent reason.  The doctor did some tests to eliminate a kidney infection, since I had a urinary tract infection last week. He examined me and gave me a shot for pain and sent me home…I was loopy after that.  He feels that it is a strain of my lower back, so I am flat on my back until Monday.  I have some really strong medicine and muscle relaxers so I am out of it. 

Going between my bed and chair is something I had hoped never to do again.  I am frustrated and a little mad.  I don’t need this.  I am on the downhill slide and I don’t want it to be delayed or worse yet start over with some other sort of surgery needed.  I am hoping that it is a simple strain and will go away with time and powerful medicine.  For those of you that have been praying for me…please continue.

I wrote this last weekend but I am posting it now because tomorrw is Thanksgiving...Have a wonderful holiday everyone and remember to be thankful for life!

This year Thanksgiving is more than a day of the year to me.  It has become more than that…like a way of life.  Sitting here at mom’s house among family, (We celebrate the weekend before Thanksgiving.) I am more grateful for the little things.  I know that trauma causes us to look at things more seriously and this year is no exception.  Today has been about more than a meal for me.  The food is great…even on a chemo stomach…that tells you how good it is.  In addition, family time is definitely something I appreciate more since my illness.  But there are other things smaller things, like football games, checker games, mountain walks, washing dishes as a group, roasting marshmallows and playing games that make life full.  Living fully is something I have determined to do. 

Giving thanks has become a lifestyle lately.  Not only am I grateful to be alive and heading toward good health, I thank God for each day I am given.  I praise him for the miracle of early detection that will allow me to be here next Thanksgiving. I am grateful for dear friends who pray.  I thank God my family is near and supportive, I know so many that are not.  I worship him for my job, my car, my home…my husband and kids, and my intimate relationship with Him.  I love my kids and who they are becoming…and being able to watch that occur in front of my eyes. I am grateful to him for a husband that has cared for me for better and for worse.  It is the result of cancer to look at life differently and to live life differently…to see with more eternal eyes, to live with purpose…and to be thankful for the little things everyday.