This week as been a week of lasts.  The last band concert and honors night.  Last End of Course Tests and last play.  On and on it goes.  It is sad to be sure, but I think that Hannah is getting excited about the new adventure in front of her.  I know that it has not hit me yet emotionally. (That will probably come at move in day.)  At all of these events I have been proud not depressed.  She has become such a young woman I can see that it is time. 
Life is like that.  Seasons of time that change from year to year.  For Hannah, this year of lasts will soon become a year of firsts.  God is so good to give us the variety don't you think?  I have always said I could not live in a climate that didn't have seasons.  I enjoy them too much, and without them life would be one dimensional.  I think our lives are like the climate...in need of the growing, and the resting.  The dying and the new shoots of life.  The challenging seasons make us appreciate the peaceful ones.  And even though letting go of my first born is a hard season, it is the right time.  I believe it will actually deepen the relationship, because we will appreciate our bond more as it enters a new phase.  Tears and laughter go together in this moment in my life.  I want to be graceful in my release of my little song bird.  I am so honored to have this precious girl...God is so good to me...how could I ever withold her from what he has for her?  The answer is, I cannot.  It is a mother's heart that breaks while it is soaring, and gives itself away when it really wants to hold on.  This, as with all pain, leads me further into the arms of my Father God.  I trust him with my daughter...fully....I think :)  I choose to have faith in his goodness...as I open my hand.

People say that life is a candle in the wind.  A spark is ignited at birth and the flame grows as we do.  The oxygen feeds the flame just as our breath gives us life.  Then one day, hopefully when our wax has burned low, our light is extinguished; snuffed out by the wind.  The scent lingers for awhile, but eventually it too fades away as we become a memory. The intent of this comparison is to hammer home the idea that every life is brief and we must seize every moment with abandon, for we do not know when the wind will blow our way.  Taking stock of how we live our lives is never a bad idea.  However, this analogy rings hollow when you have met someone like Elizabeth Rudeseal, one of the senior adults at our church. The sparkle in her blue eyes burned brighter than any candle.  She had a glow about her from the inside out, as if she was radiating from within.  The source of this illumination?  Her love for God; and out of that love a passion for life and people.  Overflowing to those around her, just her everyday manner was a testimony of her deeply rooted faith.  When holding hands with her husband of  65 years you could witness age drop away as the romance that lasted nearly a century entwined itself upon their hearts.  Best friends and sweethearts in love from the beginning. 

Miss Elizabeth possessed a gentle soul.  It is hard to know if that is what led to her love of children or the other way around.  Either way, her desire to bless the children with her stories is a reminder of Jesus himself.  Always the teacher, she never forgot the beginning of the school year and long after she retired she still checked in with teachers and children alike to see how things were going. 

With her childlike heart she was known to sing Happy Birthday, as she stood facing her honoree with those sparkling eyes.  To be on the receiving end of this melody sung so genuinely was at first an uncomfortable event, as the center of such a simple honoring it was humbling.  Yet, each year brought a hopeful expectation that she would go to the trouble to seek out her friends in such a way.  It was a blessing because the love of Jesus shone in her eyes as she looked into yours. It was as if he was standing there celebrating the day you were created through this devoted little lady.  This uncomplicated celebration took all of two minutes but became an anticipated occasion of everyone that received it. 

The witness and testimony of her humility flowed out to those around her.  And while she will be missed greatly, somehow it seems that she is finally at home in the light that she carried for years.  No, her candle was not snuffed out.  Quite the contrary, the fire within her spirit only glows brighter now that her earthly body has been removed.  She is more like a star than a candle.  At home in the heavenly realm where the light of the universe is alive and pulsing through her spirit.  She is singing to her Lord and glowing like she could never imagine before.  We grieve our loss, but not her gain.  We know to whom she went…the lover of her soul…the one that created such a precious one.  Miss Elizabeth’s quiet, gentle way will be missed by all.  But the smile and the sparkle will continue to blaze as they radiate the glory of the God with whom they now commune.

I couldn’t do it.  I wanted to, but just could not bring myself to the place emotionally.  One of my former students died this week.  He was 17 years old and he drank himself to death.  I could not handle another visit to the funeral home under these circumstances.  I poured my life into helping this boy learn to read when he was in fourth grade.  He was a kind kid who struggled to learn.  Right up my ally.   

Many teachers have a “save the world” complex.  It is a built in part of the gift of teaching.  We want to reach every student and make a difference that will change the course of their lives.  It is a noble wish.  Of course, if we have taught long enough, we are also realists.  We know that some will choose not take our challenge to be world changers.  The beauty of teaching is that you never know which ones will and which ones won’t.  We teach them all with abandon.  We have our guesses as to how things will turn out, but death by drinking at 17 is not one of them. 

The hope and mystery of how students’ lives will go beyond our doors that intrigues us to keep at the profession. Some kids rise up stand firm in their lives.  It is a great feeling to know that in some small way we may have had some part in that.  But when the unthinkable happens, like this week, we wonder what we could have done differently.  It was not our choice, yet we feel for all of those that have poured into this young man.  As a community we wonder what did it take to get us to this point?  It is my hope that we can learn from this; all of us teachers, parents, children and community members. Maybe John’s death can wake us up from our slumber, so that we will reach out to other students as we vow to not allow another child to fade into obscurity. I am aware that all we can do is to offer the tools for success; we cannot force anyone to use them.  The unthinkable leads us to think.  How can we do things differently? 

My heart and prayers go out to John’s family.  To have your son ripped from you so early must be devastating.  It is my prayer that you will be comforted and that this tragedy can somehow lead our community to action on behalf of our children.  We weep with you as you grieve.  We pray for you as you pick up the pieces of your lives.  We cry tears of what could have been. As a community, we continue to pour ourselves out to avoid this heartbreak in the future.

Lately I have been going through a Joyce Myer study at church.  It is based on the scriptures that talk about taking our thoughts captive…really about thinking about what you are thinking about.  Last weeks message was about how we build houses out of thoughts.  For example, we may have an un-forgiveness room where we go to nurse our grudges.  We think about how we have been wronged until we are bitter.  The message is that we build these houses of thoughts, and most of the time we are somewhat unaware of how poisonous this is to our spiritual life.  It is urgent that we begin to think about our thoughts and renew our minds to what the Bible says rather than what we think.  It is a choice, and it is not always easy because we have patterns of thought.  There are a lot of rooms in the houses in our minds.  Redecorating them will take some time, but if you ask God he is faithful to give you new thoughts to replace the toxic ones.  He will bring his word into remembrance, just when you were going down an old road.  A friend will call out of the blue just as you were heading into the self-pity room.  God is so good to put his finger on these hidden places in our hearts.

I was thinking about these rooms when God showed me one that I knew well.  It is the inadequacy/failure room.  I think every woman has one of these rooms.  It is the one in which you think, I am not good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough.  I don’t have a clean enough house, or I am not successful at my job. How about, I am a terrible mother, or I am not a good enough wife.  All of us have heard and had these thoughts; that isn’t really that unusual.  However, what God showed me this week was that in this room, the enemy uses scripture to convince us of these lies. This is not as easy to discern as when you have the thought that someone wronged you and you didn’t deserve it; that is pretty straight forward.  No, these thoughts use the Proverbs 31 woman against you.  You should be able to rise up early, do business, manage your household and have children that love you. You can dye fabric while selling real estate all while baking bread. If you were truly a Godly woman these things would be true of you.  Here is the twisted logic, if you fall short in any area you must not be on track with God.  Ouch.  Then the doubt comes in as to what you are doing wrong.  We add more activities thinking that if we pray more or go to another Bible study something will magically happen and we will suddenly all become like Christian Martha Stewarts.  Well do not fall for it!  It is a lie.  God did not make us all to be just alike.  He gave us each different gifts and it may be that yours is not cleaning house!  Did you hear the collective gasp at such sacrilege?  That was the enemy squirming as the truth comes forth.  You are created by God.  He designed you exactly how he wanted you, with the flaws and talents of a human.  If he wanted us perfect he wouldn’t have given us the choice not to be.  He knows our thoughts and feelings better than we do.  It is amazing when you think about it.  His love for you is deep and it is not dependent on how clean your house is or what your children are doing.  He wants our hearts not our performance.  Yet, we uphold the Proverbs 31 woman as our example of who we are to model ourselves after.  We always have, and probably always will.  However, in my Bible it says we are to model ourselves after Christ, not other women.  He is God’s demonstration of Godly.  Compassionate enough to talk with all kinds of people.  He was not too busy, but knew when to rest in God.  He healed.  He fed. He encouraged the down trodden.  He didn’t have a house to clean.  He was a servant but also a master.  He was balanced in all things.  He slept and wept.  He got angry and he was joyful.  He knew who he was.  He knew why he came and he stuck with it.  He did not condemn himself, even when every one else did.  He freely gave grace.  We just need to freely accept it.    

I am happy to report that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I have been working very hard to finish my thesis for my masters.  It is finished, except for any changes my group has for me to make!!  My powerpoint for my final presentation is 95% finished as well!!  I turn them in this week for comments, make changes...then next week I give my presentation and I will be offically a master teacher!  It has been a long 2 1/2 years!  I love the online format, since I am a writer it is not difficult...just time consuming.  A paper due every Friday for 2 years is alot of writing, plus all the online discussions and reading of text books.  I am so excited to get this load off my back!!!  Hurray!  Just two more weeks.

I am watching God move.  At church today there was a sweet spirit of worship that flowed.  I was ushered into the Holy place through the music today.  What bliss it is! 

I am also fresh from a trip to see colleges with Aaron. And Hannah just returned from a Passion worship conference in Atlanta .  To see my kids seeking God about their own future is humbling.  I am amazed at their thought processes and how they hear God.  I have prayed for years that they would have their own relationship with him.  And that he would lead and guide them to his purpose for their lives. 

Now I am watching them do it.  For some reason I always thought I would be the one to carry them.  I guess it is a mom thing.  But here they are stepping away from my arms and into his.  Sad?  Yes.  Hannah came to my office today with her cap and gown on.  My tears flowed.  We went and bought her prom dress today, a fun mother-daughter shopping afternoon.  I am grabbing the minutes with her as they try to escape.  Exciting?  Yes.  Discussion of possible careers and colleges is like the beginning of a life adventure.  Each step is a hidden piece of the puzzle that is living with purpose and abandon.  Living fully.  It is a great season of their lives and mine to begin to release the chicks from the nest.  A new season, that for me, will be gradual…thank God.  My friends with onlys are wrestling harder than I at this moment.  Yet we all know that God is bigger than our fears and our empty houses.  He is good.  There is a sweetness in these days; a holy happiness in the midst of the grief.  It is an unusual place to be sure; a place that leads us to our knees once again.  We have grown comfortable in our prayers for them since the babies came to us.  We know the feeling of releasing them at the Lords feet to be sure, but now we are releasing them out the door; a whole new sense of trusting God with their very lives.  This new place is one I have not looked forward to, but now is upon me…like it or not.  Gracefully I will embrace the pain of it and allow the Lord to do his work.  Gracefully, I will relinquish them to his care with my prayers and tears.  I will always be their mom and for that I am forever grateful!

God has been speaking in our household lately and to friends as well.  He is saying, "Be true to who you are."  However, when he says to be true, sometimes it means you have to step out of your comfort zone.  I mean, I like to be comfortable.  No waves, no wrinkles in my life.  Smooth sailing.  It is what I want, yet God does not allow that very often.  Sometimes I feel as if I am in the midst of a choppy sea just trying to keep the boat from capsizing.  If my head is above water I feel I have accomplished something great! 
Yet God says in the midst of the storm, be it cancer or stress, stay true. True to who you are.  True to my plan for your life.  In the honesty of being true, your faith becomes more than words, it becomes reality.  Waiting, resting, standing, stepping out...all are part of the plan.  The trick is knowing when to do which one.  Of course, if we listen to his voice he will tell us.  It is listening amid the voices around you that is difficult.  That is why we have to cultivate our relationship with him; so we will recognize his voice.  We have all heard that a shepherd carries a lamb on his shoulders so it will learn to know his voice.  He has carried me through some rough times, and I know his voice. 
Now my children are learning to listen for him.  They are beginning to know that being true to who you are is actually a way to honor him.  Learning to have confidence in his ability to lead is a lifelong process.  Knowing that he is the one that will do the work is a hard one to remember on a daily basis. 
He is the giver of passion.  He is the giver of vision and inspiration.  Each of us has a different call, yet he made us all.  Stay true, resist the pressure to give up.  Stay true, do not let go.  Stay true...step out....

We celebrated the return of Hannah and Aaron yesterday with fried chicken, mashed potatoes, fried okra, and sweet tea.  You cannot say my kids were not raised in the south!  It has become a tradition...it is the return meal.  Of course I do not fry anything, so we pick it up and bring it home from a place here in town. 
They made it home safely, at 2:30 in the morning.  They slept in because they did not have to present at church until the evening service.  Hannah was kind of sick while she was there so she didn't have the time she usually does.  She worked, but then towards the end of the week was having stomach pain, kind of a nausea.  Then on the plane on the way home she picked up a cold.  So she mainly wanted to sleep.
Aaron on the other hand, was excited.  While he was there he felt that God called him to ministry...maybe even missions.  He is unclear as to what exactly that means, but he was in bed when he felt God impress upon his heart to look up Isaiah 6.  In that chapter the verse that jumped off the page at him was "Who will I send?"  "Here I am send me."  He said that as he accepted this that the burden he has been carrying about what to do with his life was lifted.  He still does not know exactly how this will look but he is relieved to have a direction.
They both shared at the evening service and I was very proud of them.  Hannah told how she got to share her testimony at a service and how cool that was.  This year they were building a church in a place that already has a congregation...usually there are a few people but this was already a church.  So when she shared there was a good size audience.  It was BEFORE they built the building.  People came and sat on the foundation for a service.  She said it was neat to see all of those people sitting under the stars.  She also shared how each brick is like a piece of the puzzle, of finding how we all fit together no matter what language we speak or what country we are from.
Aaron of course shared his call, but also how God used the people there because of their fire for him.  There is a different atmosphere there that is completely different than here he said.  When they had their dedication service there was standing room only and people were outside at the windows crowding around to here.  Many on our team had not seen that kind of spiritual hunger before.  It was a great encouragement and also convicted them that we are so complacent here.  They were grateful for what we have in a new way.  Cool!
All in all they had a wonderful trip.  Both feel closer to God and to the team that went.  They have a bigger world view which is always exciting.  Thank you for your prayers!

As I write this two of my children are in the air back to the States.  They left Brazil at 3:00 am and flew for 2 hours to San Paulo then boarded another plane for Miami.  As far as I know they are on schedule and should be home around 12:00 am then onto buses to bring them to the Mountians...  I can't wait for them to arrive.  I will write more once I talk to them about their trip.

The latest report from Hannah was that everyone has their luggage now but Harriett our music ministers wife.  So that is a relief.  The extra clothes they took to donate never were lost so that is good.  It rained yesterday morning so the work started off slowly, but things cleared up so they still got alot done.  She was excited that at the church service the night before 3 people came to know the Lord.  She was also excited that as part of that service she got to share her testimony.    I haven't heard today how things are going...that makes me think they are well...she usually calls when something isn't smooth.  I will update tomorrow if I hear something more.  Keep praying for the Lord to work...