Today when the nurse came there was alot of pain yet again.  She said she cannot see any reason it should be so painful for me.  She has covered everything with the vasoline gauze and it appears that the tissue is growing through it and sticking badly.  There is one main spot that has been the problem all along and it continues to be the hard place.  She said she didn't want to hurt me any more and went back to a wet to dry packing...regular gauze, with no suction.  She wanted me to call the doctor and see what she wants to do.  I did and they said to keep doing the wet to dry packing everyday until I see the doctor next Thursday and if it is small enough they can possibly put in some stitches.  That would be the quickest way now that the tissue is healing so quickly. 

The concern is that if it isn't healed enough my chemo could be delayed again.  Also the open wound just plain hurts...it is uncomfortable and I don't like waiting for it to get better.  It really is healing fast according to everyone but to me it seems so slow.  Tonight at church I was reminded that God's timing is perfect and that I have no idea why he is allowing this apparent delay but he knows and his plan is perfect timing every time.  So I choose to wait on him...

I have had several people ask me how I found out I had cancer etc...  I wrote this to all my coworkers at the beginning of the school year so those that talk to me regularly wouldn't have to keep answering the same questions over and over.  Lately there are those that haven't heard the whole story so I am repeating it here.  It is long, and somewhat graphic but it is important to show how vital your yearly checkups are.

      To become a spokesperson by having cancer thrust upon you is a sobering thing. I guess no one that has ever experienced it got to do it gradually.  It is the fact that I care for all of you that makes me take this new role so seriously. The fact is that this could be you.  I know that is a scary thought and you probably don’t want to look at it directly, but it is the truth. And life is too short to avoid the truth.  I will be the inner voice that reminds you to schedule check ups and not to ignore those differences in your body as you grow older, so get used to it!  I have had numerous people ask me how we found this cancer, so here is the story…

As many of you know, last February I went to the emergency room one night with abdominal pain.  They did blood work and x-rays looking for some source, gall bladder, or appendix but found nothing.  For a couple of months they did follow up tests trying to determine what the problem was.  I had a CT scan with contrast, I had a decidascan, and tons of blood work, to no avail.  The final conclusion was that I must have had a cyst burst on my ovary. 

While they did every test imaginable on my abdomen they didn’t do much in the pelvic area so I decided to schedule an appointment with Doctor Simone to establish myself as her patient.  I had used my family doctor for my yearly check-ups since my children were born.  I knew I would need a gyno as I got older and started through menopause so my appointment was set for June. 

While I was waiting to get in to see her I had a few periods that were a little different.  (Pardon me boys…please read for your wives sake)  I was clotting some but the clots began getting bigger. On months that I had clotting my cramps were harder but it wasn’t every month .They ask you how big, dime size or quarter size…I jokingly said mine were grapefruit size…that was an exaggeration but I knew they were bigger than a quarter!  That was the first red flag…but I had an appointment so I waited until June.  Besides I know a lot of women that have clotting that are close to my age.  I thought that was a normal part of peri-mentapause…wrong.

  I also had heavier bleeding.  My periods were getting longer.  Some months were 5 days but some were much longer, more like 8 to 10.  I would have a few light days then a flood where I would bleed hard then taper off.  It was different but not every month. 

Then something that was very unusual happened to me while I was in England.  I started to bleed between periods.  I would just wake up and bleed for the day.  No cramps or other signs of a period just bleeding.  I thought I started my period 3 different times in England because I would bleed for a day, then stop for a few, then bleed again.  That was the first thing I considered “weird” because the other things were things that happened on and off.  When I got home from England we went to the beach for a week before my appointment.

When I went for my Tuesday appointment, it was a new patient work up.  I had to fill out all kinds of paperwork describing my “problems”…only I didn’t think I had any…until I answered the questions.  As I answered it became more obvious to me that some of the things I had been experiencing weren’t exactly normal even though it hadn’t even been a year since my last pap smear.  I talked over the answers with Dr. Simone and she decided to do an ultrasound along with the regular new patient stuff.  She found three polyps and a cyst on one of my ovaries.  My other ovary was in a weird position but other than that looked normal. These are not signs of cancer but they are signs to pay attention.  She said she could take out the polyps and ablate my uterus (burn it to help lighten bleeding) the next day!  That was too fast for me but we set it up for the next week.  The speed was due to her vacation time…being a teacher I didn’t want to wait until she got back in August so I took the earlier appointment.  Thank God!  In the meantime she wanted to do a Glucose tolerance test, which we did.  The following Wednesday the 5^th she went in to get the polyps…only instead of the three she expected she found tons.  Big red flag!  She told us but didn’t say her suspicions because she wanted to see the pathology report.  In the meantime, my pap smear came back bad and she chased down the pathology knowing it probably wasn’t good either.  On Friday morning she called and asked me how soon I could be at her office.  Not a good sign.  Bill and I went and she gave us the results on all of the new patient blood work and tests as well as the pathology.  Diabetes and cancer in one day…that was a bad one.  She referred me to a gyno-oncologist at Northside the next week.  We saw this lady on Tuesday and I had pre-op on Thursday.  The intent was to do a hysterectomy and hope that was all that was needed.  The following Tuesday I had surgery and she found cancer, not only in my uterus but also in both ovaries.  That was an unexpected blow.  The pathology report showed two different cancers…a good thing believe it or not.  Both are low grade and newly developed.  There was some leakage from my ovaries into my abdomen which is why I will be having chemo to make sure to kill all cancer cells that may have been missed during the surgery.  The lymph nodes were all clear. 

This is a lesson to us all.  They caught mine very early.  That is a blessing.  There are not words to tell you how scary this has been.  I will survive because they caught it all early.  I didn’t feel sick.  I didn’t have what I would consider warning signs.  I had scans and tests on my abdomen that didn’t show anything!  I had a good pap last August…it hasn’t even been a year!  Listen to my voice…Please, please get your yearly check ups.  Pay attention to your body.  Don’t downplay stuff that is happening!  It could be serious.  It has been a whirlwind and my life is forever changed.  Those of you that are survivors know what I am talking about.  You are my inspiration; one step at a time; one foot in front of the other.

God is holding me close.  He is right with me.  He gave me the push I needed to get to the doctor.  He is the master physician. I believe that. But I also believe he uses doctors that he has gifted to walk us through.  He did not promise me I wouldn’t have troubles in life, only that he would be there in the midst.  He will not fail me even in my darkest hour.  He will use even cancer to draw us closer to him.  He is an awesome God.

 

 

I found the way to keep my previous blogs available...in the sidebar there is an archive tab that will take you to all of the ones that I have posted in August.

 

My kids are great.  I am drawing so much strength from them during this trial.  It is striking to me that they are so innocent and yet so wise.  Friday night we ventured out with all three boys…Hannah was at a friend’s house. We discussed our options, bowling, skating, putt putt, or a movie.  They were concerned about my bowling ability, and skating was definitely out.  I offered to sit and watch whatever they chose but they wouldn’t consider it.  They wanted me to be a part of whatever we did.  It was a precious sensitive moment.  We decided to go see a movie.  They wanted to see Nacho Libre, so off we went.  William had seen it before and thought I would like it because it had some romance…how thoughtful of him.  Anyway, it was a pretty stupid movie…a boy movie with lots of physical comedy that isn’t exactly my favorite. But I loved watching them laugh.  I loved being together with them.  After the movie William said he noticed I didn’t think the movie was very funny and he said we should have picked a movie that I would have liked more.  It was sweet.  I assured him that this movie was fine and that I had an excellent time with all my boys.

Today Peter informed me that his friends don’t know anything about cancer…as if he is the expert.  They told him that they would be there for him since I was going through chemosurgery.  He laughed at how silly they were as he corrected them and told them it was chemotherapy.  One friend said that at least I didn’t have to have chemio.  Peter had to explain that it is chemo…not chemio.  He thought the whole thing was so funny.  I asked him if he straightened them out and he said he had explained it all to them.  I would have liked to be a fly on the wall for that!

Every time Bill pulls the car up to the door to pick me up, Aaron opens the door and helps me in.  Peter washed the dishes by hand today.  William cleaned the toy closet.  Hannah offered to go grocery shopping for me.  She drives every one where they need to be…thank God she can drive. 

You raise your kids and hope that they turn out well.  You use all of your skills and a lot of prayer to get them through. As a parent sometimes you wonder if they learned anything about consideration or cooperation. You think they may never grow up to be responsible adults. But then you see it; character…shining through in the tough moments.  It breaks through and you are surprised and elated that they got it.  They have been listening after all. It is such a blessing to have them reach out to me now.  I am a blessed woman. 

Bill and I went to my chemo class this week.  It was helpful and scary all at the same time.  It was good because it showed me I am not alone.  There are wonderful people there to help us through this difficult stage in the journey.  They are there to answer all my questions and help with practical everyday concerns.  That is a relief to me…an answered prayer really.

The scary part was all the information and possible side effects.  It was sobering.  I mean I know that cancer is serious stuff but this information showed me how serious.  We talked about how to manage physical side effects and how there would also most likely be emotional issues to deal with as well.  I already knew this of course, because I feel totally unstable some days and perfectly fine on others.  It was good to hear the normalcy of that kind of roller coaster. 

Knowing my hair is going to fall out, I tried to imagine what I will look like bald.  After class I went and tried on some hats at a shop in the hospital…that made me cry.  I guess I have had bangs so long I didn’t realize how wrinkled my forehead is!  I felt like Dopey from Snow White, with my big ears and round face.  Funny how something as simple as hair can be such a big deal.  I told Bill I can’t imagine how people that are really into their hair get through this.  As most of you know, my hair is the way it is because it is quick and comfortable, not as much for the look of it.  Now I find that I care more than I thought about the look of it.  That is hard.

I have heard it said by a survivor that loosing your hair is harder than loosing your breasts.  I don’t know about that since I don’t have breast cancer…but I can see how it could be true.  I know it will bother me when it comes out.  I know that I will get by and look at the bright side.  That is my way to cope…but it will still be hard to look in that mirror everyday.

Have you ever sat in a room and observed your family? I am talking about the extended family that you rarely see all together except at reunions, weddings or funerals.  I had the opportunity to observe mine at my grandmother’s funeral earlier in the week.  It brought some interesting thoughts to mind. 

One of the random thoughts flowing through my brain is that you don’t choose your family.  I mean, friends you have because you have some similarity or something in common, therefore they are kind of like you in some way or another.  But you are born into your family.  You would think that being from the same gene pool would make you all alike (more alike than strangers turned friends anyway) but that couldn’t be further from the truth.  There may be some physical likeness but that is where the commonality stops.  In fact, I find myself wondering how did we all come from the same bloodline?  We are as different as night and day.  And have you noticed that every family is this way?  There are tall, small, shy, and funny cousins.  Everyone has at least one crazy aunt or uncle and there are always a couple of black sheep scattered throughout the flock.  Some family members get along wonderfully and others can barely stand to be in the same room together.  It is really a wonder at how this happens so consistently no matter how functional or dysfunctional a family is.

But when there is a need, in this case a death of a loved one, there they all are.  Supporting each other even though they can’t always remember which branch of the tree others come from.  It is a great and wonderful thing to watch.  As I try to explain to my little branches how they fit into this big tree, I find that if any one person is missing the picture is incomplete.  Somehow now that I am a grown up it makes more sense to try to know more about how my family is related.  After all, this week we lost a big branch.  I don’t want to loose her legacy just because she isn’t present here on earth anymore.  It makes her life all the more important to share…so we won’t forget her place in our tree.

You see family is tied together by more than common interests.  We are tied together by blood.  Blood cannot be changed, even if there are times you want it to.  To be in this bloodline is something that I have no control over and yet I wouldn’t have it any other way.  Family is important; it is vital.  God knew that when he created families.  He knew there would be tension sometimes.  He planned the good times.  He was there from the beginning of our families and he chose us specifically to hold up our branch.  The diversity of family personalities was his idea.  The blood connection was his choice for us.  It runs deep.  We can ignore it but we can’t change it.  It is our legacy.  It is His legacy.  His blood covers us all.

I have had a couple of whirlwind days...on top of my already whirlwind summer.  First I went to the doctor and she said that my incision is looking great but that she wants a couple of more weeks of healing before we start chemo...so my first session is now scheduled on Sept. 5.  That is a relief to me because of all the overwhelming stuff going on within my family. 

Speaking of...my grandmothers funeral went well.  It was a sweet service that testified of her faith.  Funerals are always bitter sweet to me because you see people you  haven't seen in years but you have to say goodbye to a precious loved one.  It was hard on me physically because of all the standing, sitting and visiting.  Many people already knew my story but many didn't so I had to tell it again and again.  I don't mind but it was very tiring.  We stayed down in Atlanta to give me more rest time.  The kids did exceptionally well.  They were sad and cried some but they talked and visited and were patient with all the relatives that were cheek-pinching.  It was sad as always but they came out of it well. 

After the funeral I had yet another doctors appointment with the surgeon that will put in my port for chemo.  I liked him alot and my surgery is scheduled for Aug. 28th...it is a simple outpatient procedure. Then I came on home to get my wound vac back on...yeah!  Tomorrow I have my chemo class down at Northside for 2 hours.  Friday I plan to sleep for a long time :)  Thanks for all your prayers the past couple of days especially!  I will write my reflections on the funeral in the next few days.

My grandmother’s name was Johnnie Hunter.  I am not sure which of us couldn’t say grandmommie but Memommie became the name we called her.  Memommie was a relatively small boned woman with a deep tan, from walking beaches her whole life.  The beach was one of her favorite places. She had bird like legs, which I didn’t inherit.  Her hair was short and very white.  One of my kids called her the White Memommie and since we had two Memommies (my other grandmother was memommie too) the name stuck.  White Memommie had a great smile and enjoyed being with the grandkids and great grandkids.  She was not very outspoken but cared for us all in her own way.

I only know a little about her childhood in Thomasville, Georgia.  She had four sisters…I think.  It was hard to keep up with all of my great aunts.  She and my grandfather married very young.  Courageously she gave her first child up for adoption because she didn’t believe in abortion. Later they had two children, my dad and my aunt Joanna. My grandfather had a 6^th grade education so poverty was real to them until after my father and grandfather began a highway construction business when my father graduated college.  The business went well and by the time I was born, I didn’t hear much about the early days...except for the mustard and onion sandwiches.

I remember when I was little my grandmother and grandfather traveled a lot.  There were stories from exotic places and my imagination would take flight as my grandmother pulled out a doll from some foreign culture.  I used to play with those dolls and pretend I was in the country they came from.  From very early she affected my life by helping me to see beyond my world to other places. I always wanted to go to the places she visited because they sounded like fun.

When we were young my grandparents had a condo right on the beach at Anna Maria Island in Florida and we used to go there every summer. Some of my favorite memories were walking on the beach, picking up shells, swimming in the pool and trying to avoid “old people” that didn’t like the fact that grandkids were roaming the complex.  My grandparents took us out to The Buccaneer Restaurant for clam chowder, ribs and make-it-yourself-sundaes.  The sundaes were my favorite part!

Their other condo was in Atlanta, right down the street from my other grandmother’s house.  We used to walk right down and climb through some bushes to get there.  It was so cool to have both sets of grandparents that close to each other. We could go from one house to the other with ease.

Like all grandmothers, she could cook and enjoyed a party. It was fun to go to her house for special events.  She was most known for her macaroni and cheese, which is still a staple for all family gatherings…though none of us has gotten it exactly like hers we are close.  She also used to make hoecakes; that is cornbread fried in oil, kind of like a pancake. Every year she was hostess to the Hunter family reunion at their house on Lake Lanier.  She would cook and make quite a spread for the whole clan.  Mixing her known greats with the pot luck of the family always left us stuffed and ready for swimming, boating, skiing, and tubing.  White Memommie would just watch from the porch and mix up lemonade as all of the kids enjoyed the day.  I think those were some of her happiest times.

The last few years she hasn’t been in the best of health.  She has been in and out of the hospital regularly.  She was on dialysis for several years because her kidneys failed.  Last December she was doing so well they were able to take her off.  Her attitude was great and she was excited about her miracle as were we all.  It seemed that things were looking up for her health until a month or two ago.  Breathing was labored and her heart wasn’t working well.  She had to be put back on dialysis.  Mini strokes began a downward spiral that led to the doctors sending her home to die.  Those months were difficult to watch.  Now, however, I like to think of her at home with the Lord and with my grandfather again.  They will be so happy to be together again!  I know she was a quiet woman of faith but she loved God.  She would tell me she was praying for me…or that the Lord was working in her life.  She knew him and now she is with him.

 

I didn't write yesterday because it was a lazy day.  I just slept in and then sat in my chair reading and watching TV.  It was a slow day to be sure.  Now I see the point...my grandmother died this morning at 3:30.  She would've been 90 on Tuesday.  She had a long life and we are grateful that she went quietly at home.  I will be extra busy the next few days between doctors appointments and funeral homes...pray for strength please.  Thanks.

I had a better day today.  The dressing change went well which helps my emotional state considerably.  I feel like this thing might actually heal after all!  A better day...

I was looking through some of my previous writings and came across one about Pearls of Great Cost. (Some of you may remember it) I guess I am in the process of getting more pearls!  I thought I would share it with you...it is quite a few years old but still relevant to my life as you will see. 

Have you ever felt like life is a series of traumas and disappointments?  Many people experience pain and heartache.  It is part of life.  Some pain goes away easily and some lingers for long periods of time, and just when we think we are over it something happens and rips the scabs right off of old wounds. Do not loose heart!  Instead of self-pity or blaming those around you take a moment and consider there may be a silver lining to the clouds. 

There is a difference in love and compassion.  The difference is the pain.  God has compassion.  He loves so much it hurts.  In reality, the pain you experience is a lot like the pain in the Father’s heart.  He knows each pain you feel because he feels it too.  The pain is like a pearl…made beautiful through adversity. 

Compassion is what moves him to action.  He is near to the brokenhearted.  So if you’ve been broken and wounded count it all joy!  You have more of the Father’s heart than many.  You carry it with you in your pearls.  Some have long strands of pearls. Some have only a few, but they are valuable because of their great cost.  They cost everything.  The great thing is that as you gather God’s truths through your pain you are being formed in his image.   

I was reading Matt 13:45 where it says the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls.  When he found one of great price he went away and sold everything he had and bought it. As I studied this passage I saw it from a different perspective.  I have always thought that I was the merchant and the pearl was salvation. But what if God is the merchant…and you are his pearl of great price?  He saw you being formed through life’s hardships and knew you were of great value, so much so that he gave all he had…the greatest cost of all to purchase a pearl of such value.  So do not dismiss your hardships without seeing your pain through his eyes and getting in touch with his heart.

I have always struggled with the phrase “my sin held him on the cross.”  But if you look at it from the Father’s perspective it becomes easier.  When sin came into the world so did pain and hardship.  Adam and Eve chose it and because of that had to walk in it.  Life became a thing of suffering and pain, far from what was originally intended.  They were separated from God and God was separated from them.  From a distance he watched.  It so grieved his heart to see the pain and yet, because of his perfection, to get close meant certain death for the children he so loved.  Imagine seeing your own children in so much pain and hardship while knowing if you reached out your hand to stop the pain…your children would die.  Imagine the wrestling in his heart and the grief of man’s sin-choice.  His compassion moved him to do something.  He had to be near and to help. So he became a man…Jesus.  And at the cross took all the suffering and pain on himself; the ultimate suffering unto death.  And in and through that pearl of great price we have the ability to be with him once again; to be close with no separation.  It was the suffering and pain, the result of our sin, which held him there.  He couldn’t stand to watch it.  In his compassion, he had to move to do something to alleviate our pain.  So when you suffer hardship, loss and grief know that he sees and has already made provision.  It was that very pain he took upon himself so you could be free.  He is our pearl of great price and we are his.  He willingly paid it all because he saw such value in you.  He couldn’t stand to see you hurting anymore.  And if we look through that pearl of great price, we see his love and compassion for us.

 

Today I am tired.  I don't know why it seems so hard to get up but I am struggling.  I still have quite a bit of pain because of the reaction to the tape and it is annoying and uncomfortable.  I have good days and bad ones.  Today was a sad one for some reason.  Bill thought I needed to get out of the house so he took me out for dinner.  It was nice and I was able to perk up.  It just seems like this is taking forever...it feels like it has been months since I got this vac and longer than that since I had my surgery.  It has only been a couple of weeks and I have so much more stuff to go through.  I wonder today if I have it in me.  My energy is so low already...and tomorrow the nurse comes again.

Update: Peter's surgery went well.  He is sore and will be home for a couple of days but his teeth came out easily with only a few stitches needed.  It was good to snuggle up and nap together today.  That was the good part of the day 🙂

Also check out my pictures.  Look at the sidebar where it says albums...a view from my chair.  I can't figure out how to post the titles of the pictures...I am still finding my way around.