Today was an easy day.  I did some errands and had bloodwork done.  Bill and I went up Richard Russell Parkway and looked at leaves for about 30 minutes or so.  They are so beautiful this year!  Vivid yellows and reds that just glow with the sunshine.  The sky was so blue that it made the leaves stand out even more.  We even picked some.  They are part yellow with red spots, and yellow with green spots, and red with yellow veins.  It is a bouquet of leaves...now to figure out what to do with them.  Then I had a massage and a nap.   After dinner, while Peter was at soccer practice I went to Curves to work out.  I was the only one there.  It was a very productive day. 

I have a couple of little red spots on my arm that look like bruises but not really...kind of like red birthmarks.  It isn't from the needle today because it is in a different part of my arm and I didn't notice them until tonight.  One of the things they say to watch for is red places because when platelets are low, bleeding is common.  I am going to call tomorrow to see if I need to be concerned.  At this point they don't appear to be getting bigger and I feel fine...sooo we will see.  I am thinking maybe the tape from the bloodwork caused it when I pulled it off???  I will call tomorrow.

I heard a message at church tonight that has me thinking.  It was based on the parable of the talents…the one where the boss gives three different guys money to keep for him. Two guys invest in different ways and add to the bosses money. One man is afraid and he buries his.  The boss is mad at his lack of care with the money.  I always have thought that it was weird for God to be mad because the guy didn’t make money. Isn’t money the root of all evil.  It seems right to me, maybe even a good steward for him to be safe.  But the point tonight was that it isn’t really the amount of money that makes him angry, but rather the man’s fear of risking himself.  He did not put himself out there; he took the easy and comfortable way.  This is such a great point.  God wants us to live with abandon risking our comfort by stepping out there for him. He asks us to do one thing only…follow me.  All else will come into focus if we do that one thing with abandon.

 Complacency is our enemy.  We are continually leaving our weaknesses and sins at the cross.  That is needed but we also need to bring our strengths.  To give ourselves fully…every part.  To give only part of myself is neither hot nor cold.  It makes God sick to see all that he has given us and we are halfhearted in our pursuit of him.  It goes back to being grateful and living life to the fullest.  Knowing that as you give your all in an area, he is smiling because he gave his all for you.  Watching you succeed, or failing in a valiant effort, brings pleasure to him because of your abandonment.  It is like a child that is fully caught up in some worthy goal; a baby begins to walk, or a child tries a new sport, or wins a contest of some skill. The effort is noble.  It is that kind of abandonment that pleases God.  Each individual has some thing that urges them to live fully.  One thing.  One gift or talent to push to the limit as part of the pursuit of God. (Like maybe writing a book) It is risky. It requires courage and trust.  It requires you to rely on God as you step out and take a risk…and it makes him smile. J

Happy Halloween.  I hope everyone had a safe and fun one.  We had this great idea...Bill was going to wear my wig and one of my fleece tops and be me.  I got the idea when he came out of the bathroom one day in my wig.  I laughed so hard my sides hurt. I decided that I was going to be Uncle Fester.  Without my wig I look alot like him...just add the lightbulb in my mouth and I am set.  Of course, when it came time to go we both chickened out and went as ourselves but it was fun to laugh about the possibilities...

Taking good health for granted is something I have always done, I am sure.  But now, I know that I really should appreciate this body of mine…even if I don’t like the shape it is in.  I went to work out today at Curves.  That is the first time in awhile because of my infection.  It was hard and I got tired easily.  I didn’t even really push very hard. ( I know better.)  However, even in my weakened state I could do more today than last time I went.  My incision is healed (praise God in heaven!) and my surgery weakness is much, much better than before.

 I was told by my doctors, that the exercise will help flush the chemo out faster and put me on the right track to recovery.  That is more motivating to me than simply losing weight.  I have a new perspective on trying to be healthy so I can live longer.  It isn’t about the way I look anymore…I mean I am bald and my stomach looks like Frankenstein…not that improving my body is a bad thing…just not as important as making sure I am breathing and my heart is pumping.  Moving my joints is another good goal.

 I am also trying to remember to be thankful to God for my health, such that it is.  There is a new definition of pain and suffering that I watch around me at chemo each time.  I have it sooooo much better than so many.  I don’t want to forget that…I am grateful today for the ability to move and feel decent.  It is the grace of God and I will pray diligently for those that have it worse than I because I can’t even imagine what it must be like.  My compassion has blossomed like never before and I am moved to pray.

At our church we have “blended” worship.  That means that we sing old hymns and newer praise choruses.  Many times they are blended into one song.  Today it was All Hail the Power of Jesus Name and Lord of All.  Both hit me in a powerful way.  I was reminded that angels fall prostrate at the name of Jesus because he is crowned Lord of All.  That means Lord of our country, and the election next week.  That means, Lord of our schools and our homes.  He is Lord of the church. 

It does not matter if we agree that he is Lord…he just is.  We may not be able to see his Lordship in the politics of our country but that is of no consequence to him.  He is Lord even when things don’t make sense to us…like when you have cancer.  He is Lord over my cells, my chemo, my infections and my hair loss.  I do not see with his eyes, so to me it is difficult to understand these things.  After all his ways are not my ways.  Ultimately, I will be glad of that…when I can see his ways clearly.  Until then trust is the order of the day.  Can I trust his ways?  Can I let him be Lord over ALL that comes into my life?  Can you?  All Hail the Power of Jesus Name...

A day in the mountains...the leaves are beautiful. They are peaking this weekend. I am better today than yesterday.  I saw a soccer game in the cold morning air, with many layers and blankets.  I went to Neal's Gap and bought a hat to sleep in that another survivor told me about.  It is a very soft fleece that she says keeps your head warm.  I believe it.  I love it already.  The view from up there was amazing, but a bit windy. I went to a Sunday School party and had some social time.  It was a good day.

Today was a great day to sleep til noon...so I did.  I took some pain medicine last night and slept great so this morning as I awoke sore I took some more and went back to bed.  Then after lunch I took another nap.  Tiredness is now more of an issue than the pain...thank goodness.  I think the bone pain went by faster this time because of my massage and your prayers!  I am just resting around the house...reading, writing, sleeping.  Simple things.  For now that is all I can do.  But I think I am past the worst this round and that is a good thing.

I have felt yucky today.  The bone pain is back and my stomach is unhappy.  I feel weak and tired...so I slept.  Most of the day.  I went for a massage...that was great and seemed to help.  I went to the store.  We were desparate for some basic food...then home to sleep.  I didn't really do anything else.  I ran kids here and there while Bill took Peter to the doctor...sinus infection.  I am staying away from him.  It is hard to sit back and watch my son feel bad and not be near him.  It is, in my opinion, one of the joys of motherhood to bring comfort to a sick child.  I miss the closeness of snuggling up and napping with him.  It is one of the few times my kids will still let me nurture them a bit.  However, it is only temporary.  I will be able to be a mom again soon because I am over half way! 

I have an answer to my question.  I told you I would let you know the answer. It is the question I asked during my infection, you remember…why?  Why this?  Why another complication?  All of those wonderful things that come into your head in the midst of an unbelievably difficult time when you cannot see the end of the tunnel ahead.  I had some time to talk with God.  I heard his answer and it was no surprise to me.  I have heard it before.  “For my Glory.” 

Now I don’t know about you, but that just isn’t what I am looking for in an answer.  It is way too vague and I do not really even know that I agree with it.  I mean wouldn’t it be more glorious to him if I just got completely healed without all the drugs?  That way he would get all the credit.  I told him all of this in my time of infection…I was quite heated in my rationale.  He patiently listened to me rant and rave I am sure.  Then he repeated himself, “for my glory.”  I hate it when he does that, because that means he wants me to dig a bit.  I have to think it through and ask again what exactly that means, then I have to listen for the answer.  It would be so much easier if I could tell him how things should be. 🙂 

I think “for my glory’ could mean many different things.  It could be that my testimony will point people around me, like you guys who read this, to him.  I hope that is true.  It could be that in my weakness his strength will be evident not only to those around me but also to me.  I think this is closer to what he means.  It is my journey after all.  At my absolute end, I find that I can go further than I have ever thought.  I can endure because of his great love for me.  When I have nothing but tears, he still holds me close.  It is actually a very intimate, private thing to have nothing to offer him.  Only myself in my broken state…but that is all he wants.  That is what he means “for my glory.”  In that deep place of brokenness, he is more alive and real…more glorious than any other time.  I am assured by his heavy presence that he knows all and he is in all.  He is drawing me closer to himself in a way that only this kind of experience can do.  He has done this before with me.  It is back to my secret place where I have nothing…but him…and his glory!

Today it is an okay day.  I feel pretty good.  I have tingling feet and hands.  My face feels sunburned.  My mouth is getting sores.  All of these are mild and manageable.  Tonight I am starting to feel tired but no soreness yet.  Tomorrow I go to get my white count shot...so soreness will come one way or another.  I am taking it slow this week, trying to keep rested and avoid infections. 

I have been inspired to start outlining my book.  I read a book by Emilee Barnes and her survival of cancer.  It was really good and made me realize that I have alot to say.  I am thinking and planning.  I don't know how long before I get it done but I am going to start.  Many of these blogs are my thoughts and will be put into more defined chapter type writings. 

Last weekend was homecoming.  It is good to see my kids going on through life even as I have to take things slow.  It keeps me going forward.  Hannah went with her boyfriend and 3 other couples.  Aaron went alone and said he had more fun than last year when he had a date!  I am trying to put some of the pictures in my album...so far they seem to be too big to download. (I consider the life of my kids part of my journey too.) If I get them on you will be amazed at how much Hannah looks like I did at her age!