I hope everyone had a happy New Year celebration.  We have had  fun fixing up the basement the past few days.  It was re-painted before Christmas and that started a domino effect.  It is looking good and there are only a couple of things left to do...finishing touches. 

My blood was too low to get Chemo today.  That is okay. I have figured out that this isn't up to me...so I am at peace about it.  I guess my body needs a rest for this last treatment and God knows that since he made my body.  I will have more tests on Thursday to see how things look.  Thanks for your prayers...maybe next week will be the week of celebration!

I have never really liked New Year’s resolutions…maybe it is the 20 + years I have been resolving to get in shape and loose weight.  I don’t know.  I think the concept of goal setting is a great idea, don’t get me wrong.   It’s just that I feel that by making myself a list I am setting myself up for failure. Each year the focus is on me and what my strength can get me.  No wonder I end up frustrated…my own strength doesn’t go very far.

I prefer to have a New Year’s reflection.  I like to look back over the past year and find all the ways God blessed me rather than all the resolutions I didn’t accomplish.  This takes the focus off of me, and my guilt and puts it firmly on the broad and capable shoulders of my creator. 

They say hindsight is 20/20.  I think that is true.  When I look back each year, I find that many times God sends his blessings in disguise…like cancer.  I see things that I didn’t recognize as his hand during the year, that turn out to be some of his greatest moments.  It gives me perspective.  It shows me he is everywhere, and in every thing.  Looking back inspires me and I gain the courage to look ahead to next year, knowing he is already there waiting for me.  I only have to look.  This game of hide and seek makes every year interesting.  He uses my weakness to show his strength.  That is an honor that far outweighs my ‘to do’ list.  So this year, I resolve to look for God and catch him in the act of blessing me…everyday. 

Happy New Year everyone!!

Do you ever feel like you are on a broken record?  For those of you that are too young...a record is what came before CD's.  When the record was cracked or scratched the needle would get stuck and the same part of the song would play over and over and over until someone came and moved it along.  Well I feel like I am stuck and I need someone to come and move things along.  My platelets are too low for my last chemo.  Haven't I heard this one before?  I am not as bummed about it this time because I knew things were lower than last time.  I do have one repreive...the nurse that called scheduled me for another blood test on Monday.  If they are up by then I might still get to go on Tuesday.  It is a long shot but there is a chance...

The doctors visit went well other than the fact that we had to wait 2 hours.  He scheduled my CT scan for three weeks after my last chemo.  After that I will see him once a month.  I will get white and red shots until my levels are normal in my blood work...after that I don't have to have them any more!  Hip hip hooray!  My port will have to stay in until spring just to make sure there are no reccurances first.  I will begin seeing my endecrinologist (sp) for my diabetes care in Feb.  This phase of my journey is coming to a close.  That is a good thing.  I will not be sad to see it go.  This new phase will be less intrusive but a still important part. 

William also had a doctors appointment today...post op and pre op for his next stage of surgery.  They just called me and they have it scheduled for Jan. 3.  Chemo the 2nd and surgery the 3rd...we are starting the new year with a bang.  His nose looked good from the last surgery and they gave us instructions on what to do before the next one.  It has been a long day, but a good one. 

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the cancer doctor.  It will be my last one...at least for a month or so.  I usually see him at my chemo appointment but he won't be there next time so I will go see him in the morning.  After this time I think I will switch back to my surgeon for future visits...we will see.  I have questions about next steps etc...  We will know more after this visit. 

I wish you a Merry Christmas

I wish you a Merry Christmas

I wish you a Merry Christmas

And a Happy (and uneventful) New Year.

 I added the uneventful part because that is what I am wishing for myself!

The voices singing carols were melodious.  The candles were glowing softly in the dimly lit room.  There were meaningful words spoken.  The atmosphere of the Christmas Eve candlelight service was perfectly reverent.  In this moment of time, I was expecting the hushed voice of the Lord to whisper to my heart.  Instead, the cry of a baby rang out loudly.  As the service continued, babies across the auditorium cried, giggled, and cooed.  It was then that I heard the voice of the Lord…in the sounds of an infant.  I wondered if that is what it was like on that "silent" night so many years ago…people expecting a holy visitation under the starlit sky.  I wonder if any of them were surprised when the wail of a baby broke the quiet of the night. 

            There are so many times that God does the unexpected.  He shows up in ways that we find odd.  He does not make sense.  He uses bad things like cancer and good things like babies to bring himself glory.  I am constantly surprised by his ways…because they are not like mine.  He sees the bigger picture.  He knows what truly matters.  His unorthodox ways grab our attention.  He comes as a baby in a hay trough?  You have to admit, that is an attention getter.  It is a shock to hear his voice, the creator of the universe, in a baby’s cry.  On this Eve of his birth, I pray that my ears and yours will be opened to hear him in the unpredictable ways that he speaks…and that our expectations will not hinder our hearing.

I think that Christmas is about gifts.  Wait and hear me out before you jump on the materialism bandwagon.  In our country, we may have become over exuberant in our holiday spending, but I do not believe gift giving is the problem.  I think we love to give because we are made in the image of the first gift-giver.  After all, gift giving was his idea.  He gave us the Earth and everything in it.  He must have thought all about what we would love to receive. 

Consider what it must be like for God to ‘shop.’  Everything imaginable at his fingertips waiting to be breathed into existence.  I am sure he could not wait to see the look on Adam’s face when he saw the gift of creation.  How surprised must the creation of clay have been to see an elephant or a baboon for the first time.  The delicate butterfly or the sloth…what was God thinking making an animal that is so slow on land but can swim super fast?  How does that work anyway?  Talk about an extravagant gift!  It’s like he could not decide what to get so he got it all.  Materialism?  I don’t think so.  I think he was enthusiastically ecstatic.  He desired to see his children blessed with abundance from his own hand the same as we do.  The shear joy on their faces and wonderment in their eyes is enough to sustain us for a whole year.  That is why we go overboard with our giving to try to capture that feeling of warmth. 

God’s kids did not appreciate his gifts fully.  They rejected him.  So he sent an even more amazing gift…his son.  This one was not as beautiful.  It was bloody.  The eyes did not recognize what a tremendous sacrifice the Father gave.  Only a few knew the love of the Son.  The grace was incomprehensible…it still is.  It is a matter of acceptance not understanding.  Faith not sight.

Then God created me and you.  He gave us gifts of our very own.  Mine is words.  Yours might be song or hospitality.  You may be a preacher or an artist.  Every one of us has some expression of Him within us.  He designed it that way because he is the gift giver.  It is who he is.  He cannot wait for us to open our gifts.  He longs to see joyous looks on our faces as we realize his heart for us. He longs for us to express our gift to glorify him…but instead we toss it away and play with the box.  We say it is not good enough, or that it is too plain, or not plain enough.  We find some reason not to use our gifts.  I never knew others would like to read my words.  I still find it hard to believe that someone might want to read a book if I wrote it.  Yet here I am at Christmas pondering gifts and God.  We are made in his image so we should be enthusiastically ecstatic to give the gifts he has given us.  The celebration of the ultimate gift from the ultimate gift giver is more than one day a year.  It is something he longs for daily.  Our faces should light up each time our gifts flow out to those around us…his does. He smiles as we become gift givers like him.   Merry Christmas!

As for my blood...the numbers are going up so we are waiting.  For now the transfusion has been delayed.  I thank you all for your prayers...keep it up!!!  What a gift you all are to me!!!

Okay all you prayer warriors...I got a call today from my doctor saying my red count was dangerously low.  What that means is that I might get blood for Christmas in the form of a transfusion...unless by divine intervention my count goes up by tomorrow.  I am having another CBC in the morning to see if it is going up or down.  At this point in my cycle it should be going up.  Thursday (the day I had my test) should have been my lowest day.  All counts should be going up from now until my next treatment.  The different type symptoms I have had this time are all signs of low red count. 
The biggest danger is congestive heart failure...sounds fairly serious...so if I need blood I will take it.  I am praying not to need it and would greatly appreciate it if you would too.  I think somewhere along the way I will have to write about  blood...it is an amazing life force.  It is quite significant that Jesus gave his for us.  More on that later...

I worked today...hard.  It was good.  I helped clean out a classroom I will be working in when I return to work in Jan.  I will sleep good tonight!  My symptoms seem better today.  I go to get a shot for red count tomorrow morning.  Then I get my blood work done after that.  This blood work should show my lowest numbers then next week they should all have gone up.  The difference and how far they come up determines if I can have my next treatment on schedule.  Please pray that I can.  William is doing well.  He went to see a movie with Bill and Aaron and his cousin Ben who is in town for Christmas.  I think he was tired when he got home but he is feeling fine.  Christmas is only 5 days away...are you ready?