There is something quietly brewing in my head today.  I don’t know if I can even begin to get it onto the paper yet.  So many times it takes time to brew it…but if I don’t catch it at just the right time it disappears into the wind.  Frustrating.  I used to be able to remember my writing thoughts, like whispers in my mind.  Now they are more flighty and it not caught at just the right moment they take offense and fly.  This one has been developing since I wrote about the room of inadequacy.  It has been coming up in conversations, songs, and sermons.  I have heard it on the news, and in movies, so I think it is relevant.    God spoke it to me quietly in my time with him.  He said, “You are enough.”  Simple yet so profound.  We would probably all say we believe that statement; however we do not live it because deep inside, in our secret places, we don’t really believe it.  It is difficult to live something we do not believe.

I watch my children trying to be something they are not because of the world around them.  I see God fearing people at church trying so hard to please him, as if one more activity will make them better people.  God’s proclamation came to me in a time when I was striving to work hard to be better at work.  It just seemed to me that I am not enough.  I do not have the energy to be the employee that I was asked to be, let alone clean my house and raise my children.  At that time it felt like life was trying to pull me apart.  In the past I might not have recognized it, but post-cancer vision is different.  I no longer simply call these things “stress” and move on.  I want to dig deeper and get to the roots of my internal strivings because I do not think I can plant my feet otherwise.  The thought that I am enough could be the bedrock of strength to hold me firm when life is swirling around me.  Stress is a very real part of life in the 21^st century…but it is not the only part.

So how do I get the idea “I am enough” from my head to my heart?  How do I begin to live it?  That is one reason I haven’t been writing.  I am grappling with this amazing possibility that I am what God wants; that I am not in need of a complete makeover…at least not one that I undertake on my own.  If I can rest in this truth and be content in who God made me in this moment, I am sure he will be faithful to develop me further as life moves forward.  After all, he has done it to this point.  Nothing that I have strived to accomplish has been long standing transformation.  The areas of my life in which I have changed have come as a result of his hand, not mine.

There are so many areas of weakness I see in myself.  I cannot get past those because I feel less of a person; less than what I was created to be.  Don’t you?  Deep down.  That sense of inadequacy calls us to examine our failings.  Yet I am hearing God calling me to look at my strengths.  To look at the parts of my life, my calling, and my ministry that have been a blessing to him and to others.  That is hard.  Why is that so hard?  Why is it our brains do not want to admit that he has been at work and he has accomplished great things through us?  I guess it sounds prideful.  But more than that, I think it is uncomfortable to feel it…so we choose not to, closing our hearts off to his delight in us. If I open myself up to those feelings I feel so central to him, like I am important to his plan.  Even though I have said that I am for years and somewhere inside I know it, I fight the FEELING that goes with it.  I don’t know if any of this makes since to you…forgive my rambling.  I think it is like when you are recognized for some accomplishment in your life.  You go to receive the award all smiles, feeling good that somebody somewhere recognized your hard work but when you are standing there in the applause it is uncomfortable.  At least it is for me.  I feel so unworthy.  Yet here is the creator of the universe applauding who I am…saying that I am enough.  That is unsettling to me.  I guess that is where the works come in.  We try to make that uncomfortable feeling go away by “serving” and “doing more.”  That way we can feel like we earned this favor of his, and as long as we are moving forward and doing good we do not have to face his utter delight in us.  We hide from him with our actions.  Can I stand in his presence and let him applaud me?  Can I receive his unbelievable love without trying to prove myself to him?  I am not sure that is possible…more tomorrow.

Love, commitment, and self-sacrifice…these are words that have long been used to describe marriage.  They are accurate descriptors, and because they are, you can easily see in our culture how marriage would not be “in vogue.”  There is no glory in it.  A society that wants immediate gratification does not embrace the idea of a long-term relationship. The work of marriage is not often honored in our media saturated environment. 

Therefore, I am thrilled to honor two relationships that have stood the test of time.  Both my parents and Bill’s parents are celebrating their 50^th anniversaries.  Swimming against the tide of independence and separateness, they have learned companionship is mutually respectful.  They know that commitment goes hand in hand with flexibility.  Giving up their own desires at times in order to honor the wishes of the other, is something that comfortably ebbs and flows.  Their love has grown as comfortable as an old pair of jeans, they fit.  Together they have faced life.  Hand in hand they have cried and laughed, mourned and rejoiced.  Now they wear contentment on their faces as old friends and intimate sweethearts.  It is a precious thing to see an example of God’s unfolding love for us by watching them love each other.

Does this mean they have it all together and never fight or argue?  Not at all.  It means that they love each other despite their differences…choosing love over selfishness.  The choices they make honor the commitments they made to one another 50 years ago.  It takes Gods grace to accomplish such a feat, and in such vibrant relationships his glory shines through.  People want to know the secret of a successful marriage…God’s love displayed to another…laying down your life…dying to yourself.  Is that easy?  No way.  So today I bless and honor our parents for their dedication to each other.  Our marriage bond is stronger from having watched generations of family; on both sides navigate the waters of matrimony.  Thank you for your example.  Thank you for the love you share.  You are an inspiration. 

The turquoise you see in the pictures has not been touched up.  If anything the real thing is even more spectacular than the calendars show.  You could see it from 10,000 feet on our flight and it became more glorious the closer we got.  I have never been anywhere where the sky reflected the water…until now.  Usually it is the other way around.  Here the clouds have a turquoise tint to them.  They are huge and puffy white.  Then when a storm rolls in they shift to gray and baby blue with a shade of dark teal.  At sunset they are pink and blue like the cotton candy you get at the circus.  Shades of yellow and orange add fire and the show continues.  All kinds of colors show against the clouds throughout the day and if you didn’t know you were on the ground you would think you were looking at clouds from above, like from an airplane. 

The place we are staying sits back off the ocean on a small kind of bay or cove.  When the tide is out you can walk out ankle deep all the way across on sand the color of sugar.  If you go further out past the cove to the point, the wind whips up and the water gets choppy.  Swimming in a sea of paint you can look below you and all manner of life.  I cannot understand how a bucket of turquoise can be so clear!  We haven’t been snorkeling yet because of the shallow water where we are.  Today may be the day for that, we will see. 

There is a constant breeze through the giant palms.  Energy is high priced on the island, so there is no air-conditioning…at least we choose not to use it during the day.  The lights and fans are on timers so they will cut off and not waste precious electricity.  So far is has been cool enough during the day that it is fairly comfortable.  We are in and out of the pool and ocean so, as long as we are wet, the temperature is bearable in the 80’s.  At night however, we flip the switches in our rooms and cool things down for sleeping. 

Off the porches, on any of the three levels of the house the view is especially beautiful.  There are flowers like I have never seen before.  Pinks like Azaleas, and purples like Iris, and Reds like an Indian Paintbrush only with different faces, create a rainbow of color.  These are mixed with all shades of green as the tropical palms form a frame for the white sands and turquoise water.  How anyone can see such beauty and not believe in God is beyond me.  As an artist, his range and mixed media strokes around our planet are unparalleled.  He wrote this love letter of beauty to us to demonstrate his glory.  Wow does not begin to describe it.  A personal God that cares about the intimate details of our life is trying to get our attention with unimaginable and affectionate creation.  How can we turn our heads away?  How can we wallow in our tiny problems when he is saying, “Look up, I am here.  I am with you and I am for you!”  The amazing views can change your perspective if you let them.  He has it all covered and very much in control.  The details, down to the smallest fish are in his hands.  It is as if he created all of this to show us that his heart is for us, not against us.  We are enough…just as we are…to turn his eye towards us; to pour out his magnificent creation to bless us.  And He is enough for us.

Hello all! We arrived in Turks to the first rain they have had since Jan.  The plane disembarks down stairs out the back, so we were drenched as we unloaded then again at the house when we unloaded our stuff.  It has rained each day since then...but only passing showers...kind of Florida like.  The waters are unbelieveably clear.  Turquoise and blue like you have never seen.  We have all been out in the ocean and in the pool at the house.  The boys went fishing today and didn't catch anything!  Tomorrow is scuba diving day for those that are trained...my brothers kids...and snuba for everyone else.  That is like scuba diving only you do not have a tank, but a line that hooks to a boat above you.  There is no training for that so we are going, that and snorkling.  On Thursday we have rented a boat to take us all over and to see the surrounding area.  It is beautiful here.  I am writing and will post some of it later.  My computer does not connect to the internet so I cannot post every day.  Right now I am using my nieces computer...it is difficult to pry it away from the nine teenagers!!!  I did want you to know we made it safely and it is just like the pictures.  We are having a relaxing time all together.  It is wonderful.

One more day!  I have been working like a trojan this week as almost every teacher in our building is moving rooms.  This happens often when a new school opens and the county is re-configured.  It is fruit basket turn over.  Fortunately I am one of only 3 or 4 teachers that is NOT moving.  This is a first, as I have moved every year since I have been in White County.  I have been helping my two teachers with their own rooms, as well as others that have been collecting stuff for the past seven years!  Talk about junk!  We teachers are pack rats and this week has proven that...just ask our janitoral staff.  This post planning seems like it has taken a month.  Things will change quite a bit next year. It will be interesting to be sure as new teams learn to work together.
On another topic...we are leaving to go to Turks and Cacious...I don't think that is spelled right.  Anyway...islands in the Carribean and I can't even tell you where they are.  Somewhere near Cuba I think.  All I know is that the pictures look unbelievable.  There are 19 or so of us going to celebrate mom and dad's 50th anniversary.  The kids are so excited to be going on a trip with their cousins.  I cannot wait to sit and relax after a very stressful year at work and school.  I am taking my computer and I hope to be able to find some time to write.  I miss it...it is kind of like breathing to me and I haven't been doing alot of it lately.  The island we are staying on has many activities for the kids and is supposed to have some of the best snorkeling around.  Right now I am up to my ears in clothes and getting things ready to go.  I love life...even washing clothes and getting ready for a trip!!!

The last of the lasts was this weekend.  Hannah has now begun the firsts of the next year.  We went to graduation under the threat of rain.  It was sprinkling and a bit dark.  Then the cool breeze blew the dark clouds away as the graduates took the field.  The weather could not have been better for the big event.  The stadium was packed to overflowing.  Mom, Dad and Betty came and we all sat and watched my girl cross the stage.  It was so quick!  I barely had time for the few tears that came.  Then it was on to the next graduate.  Afterwards we went down and took pictures of Hannah with an assortment of friends.  She was glowing and we were so proud.
Saturday, we had a party that was catered by Samuel (in case you hadn't heard this joke...Sam's did the food.)  Many friends and family came to wish us well and congratulate Hannah on her accomplishment.  We sang happy birthday to Aaron as well...tomorrow he will be 17.  Time is screaming by.  It was a wonderful weekend to celebrate life.  Life is moving on....and I am glad to be here as a witness!

I am offically a master now!  I am awaiting my transcripts so I can get the raise in pay!!!  Hurray, no more school work.  That is a load off let me tell you.  I got my masters from Graceland University through their online program.  They have campus's in Iowa and Missouri as well as the global campus.  My degree is in Collaboration in Teaching and Learning.  Basically it is all about how to work with others and build a school community.  It should fit very nicely with my new role at school for next year.  I will be teaching fourth grade in two classrooms, like I do now.  But I will also have a block to do interventions for kids that struggle.  I will work with the teachers, the school psychologist and others to meet the needs of the kids.  Right up my alley.

This week as been a week of lasts.  The last band concert and honors night.  Last End of Course Tests and last play.  On and on it goes.  It is sad to be sure, but I think that Hannah is getting excited about the new adventure in front of her.  I know that it has not hit me yet emotionally. (That will probably come at move in day.)  At all of these events I have been proud not depressed.  She has become such a young woman I can see that it is time. 
Life is like that.  Seasons of time that change from year to year.  For Hannah, this year of lasts will soon become a year of firsts.  God is so good to give us the variety don't you think?  I have always said I could not live in a climate that didn't have seasons.  I enjoy them too much, and without them life would be one dimensional.  I think our lives are like the climate...in need of the growing, and the resting.  The dying and the new shoots of life.  The challenging seasons make us appreciate the peaceful ones.  And even though letting go of my first born is a hard season, it is the right time.  I believe it will actually deepen the relationship, because we will appreciate our bond more as it enters a new phase.  Tears and laughter go together in this moment in my life.  I want to be graceful in my release of my little song bird.  I am so honored to have this precious girl...God is so good to me...how could I ever withold her from what he has for her?  The answer is, I cannot.  It is a mother's heart that breaks while it is soaring, and gives itself away when it really wants to hold on.  This, as with all pain, leads me further into the arms of my Father God.  I trust him with my daughter...fully....I think :)  I choose to have faith in his goodness...as I open my hand.

People say that life is a candle in the wind.  A spark is ignited at birth and the flame grows as we do.  The oxygen feeds the flame just as our breath gives us life.  Then one day, hopefully when our wax has burned low, our light is extinguished; snuffed out by the wind.  The scent lingers for awhile, but eventually it too fades away as we become a memory. The intent of this comparison is to hammer home the idea that every life is brief and we must seize every moment with abandon, for we do not know when the wind will blow our way.  Taking stock of how we live our lives is never a bad idea.  However, this analogy rings hollow when you have met someone like Elizabeth Rudeseal, one of the senior adults at our church. The sparkle in her blue eyes burned brighter than any candle.  She had a glow about her from the inside out, as if she was radiating from within.  The source of this illumination?  Her love for God; and out of that love a passion for life and people.  Overflowing to those around her, just her everyday manner was a testimony of her deeply rooted faith.  When holding hands with her husband of  65 years you could witness age drop away as the romance that lasted nearly a century entwined itself upon their hearts.  Best friends and sweethearts in love from the beginning. 

Miss Elizabeth possessed a gentle soul.  It is hard to know if that is what led to her love of children or the other way around.  Either way, her desire to bless the children with her stories is a reminder of Jesus himself.  Always the teacher, she never forgot the beginning of the school year and long after she retired she still checked in with teachers and children alike to see how things were going. 

With her childlike heart she was known to sing Happy Birthday, as she stood facing her honoree with those sparkling eyes.  To be on the receiving end of this melody sung so genuinely was at first an uncomfortable event, as the center of such a simple honoring it was humbling.  Yet, each year brought a hopeful expectation that she would go to the trouble to seek out her friends in such a way.  It was a blessing because the love of Jesus shone in her eyes as she looked into yours. It was as if he was standing there celebrating the day you were created through this devoted little lady.  This uncomplicated celebration took all of two minutes but became an anticipated occasion of everyone that received it. 

The witness and testimony of her humility flowed out to those around her.  And while she will be missed greatly, somehow it seems that she is finally at home in the light that she carried for years.  No, her candle was not snuffed out.  Quite the contrary, the fire within her spirit only glows brighter now that her earthly body has been removed.  She is more like a star than a candle.  At home in the heavenly realm where the light of the universe is alive and pulsing through her spirit.  She is singing to her Lord and glowing like she could never imagine before.  We grieve our loss, but not her gain.  We know to whom she went…the lover of her soul…the one that created such a precious one.  Miss Elizabeth’s quiet, gentle way will be missed by all.  But the smile and the sparkle will continue to blaze as they radiate the glory of the God with whom they now commune.

I couldn’t do it.  I wanted to, but just could not bring myself to the place emotionally.  One of my former students died this week.  He was 17 years old and he drank himself to death.  I could not handle another visit to the funeral home under these circumstances.  I poured my life into helping this boy learn to read when he was in fourth grade.  He was a kind kid who struggled to learn.  Right up my ally.   

Many teachers have a “save the world” complex.  It is a built in part of the gift of teaching.  We want to reach every student and make a difference that will change the course of their lives.  It is a noble wish.  Of course, if we have taught long enough, we are also realists.  We know that some will choose not take our challenge to be world changers.  The beauty of teaching is that you never know which ones will and which ones won’t.  We teach them all with abandon.  We have our guesses as to how things will turn out, but death by drinking at 17 is not one of them. 

The hope and mystery of how students’ lives will go beyond our doors that intrigues us to keep at the profession. Some kids rise up stand firm in their lives.  It is a great feeling to know that in some small way we may have had some part in that.  But when the unthinkable happens, like this week, we wonder what we could have done differently.  It was not our choice, yet we feel for all of those that have poured into this young man.  As a community we wonder what did it take to get us to this point?  It is my hope that we can learn from this; all of us teachers, parents, children and community members. Maybe John’s death can wake us up from our slumber, so that we will reach out to other students as we vow to not allow another child to fade into obscurity. I am aware that all we can do is to offer the tools for success; we cannot force anyone to use them.  The unthinkable leads us to think.  How can we do things differently? 

My heart and prayers go out to John’s family.  To have your son ripped from you so early must be devastating.  It is my prayer that you will be comforted and that this tragedy can somehow lead our community to action on behalf of our children.  We weep with you as you grieve.  We pray for you as you pick up the pieces of your lives.  We cry tears of what could have been. As a community, we continue to pour ourselves out to avoid this heartbreak in the future.