The rain urged me to sleep in. I complied with its wishes, longer than I’d intended. Once my eyes opened, wide awake, I still had no desire to scoot out from under the warm covers. Wondering why this lethargy covered me, I discovered sadness in my heart. The down armor of my comforter seemed to be the best defense against it. If I stayed in bed I wouldn’t have to analyze this blue feeling. The best way to ignore it? Just cozy down and stay in bed all day. Avoid trying to figure it out. But alas, my mind is never good at ignoring things. Instead it questions. Why? What is this feeling? And a million other possible thoughts fly through my brain, to the point it demands action on my part.
Instead of hiding, I slipped out on my porch, to listen. To the rain. To my thoughts. To God. My fingers found their way to my computer. My puzzle solver. My thought-untangler. The clicking of the keys, my morning nourishment. I bang away at this blanket of heaviness on my heart and unsettledness in the pit of my stomach.
First up, the death of the Queen. I am not a royal watcher per se. I follow because I am fascinated, but I don’t get into the drama of it all. However, when she died my first thought was the glue that holds that family together just came unstuck. I wondered how they will do without her. She was such a steadfast presence. Duty above all. Mother of a country, yes, but also of a very human family. A family who needs her.
For her time, really for any time, she was amazing. A woman who led. Whether you agree with all she represented or not, she was unwavering and unafraid in her role. She went toe to toe with the men who surrounded her, which was unheard of for a woman in that day. They had to respect her because she was Queen. However, she earned the respect of even her political foes. She made her wishes known. She wasn’t one to back down and yet, she was gracious and dignified in her manner. She used her sharp wit and intelligence in unison. Many adored her, and just as many abhorred her, but she took it all in stride as part of the job.
She raised her family in a glass castle. Every moment watched and dissected. Every opinion from those who have no understanding, like a rock thrown her way. She was unwavering as the rocks flew. I am sure, behind closed doors, she felt every blow. Yet, that stiff upper lip won out in public, with well-crafted and controlled images. How difficult to be figure head for one of the most powerful kingdoms throughout history, as well as a woman, wife, mother, and grandmother. That balance that most women wrestle with must have been 1,000 times worse for her. Honestly, I would love a staff to care for my every need, however, I don’t think I would want to bear the responsibility that came with such a heavy crown.
After my consideration of the Queen, my thoughts turned to the date. 9/11. Ah, the real culprit of my melancholy. It caught me off guard this year. Usually I feel it coming days ahead. It is the price of being an empath. I feel things. Harder things cause my heart to be heavy, sometimes before I even know why. This is one of those times. It snuck up on me. I forgot to look at the calendar but my heart always knows what day it is.
Of course, I remember the day, as does everyone who was alive during that time. I watched in horror, feeling the frustration, the anger, the confusion, but for me the overwhelming sorrow of such loss of life was the bigger, all consuming emotion. I think the sorrow of God, watching his creation try to destroy each other, burdened my own heart. Something in me cried out, “This is now how it is supposed to be!”
And honestly, it doesn’t seem like anything has been the same since. Turmoil has been our daily bread. We grasp for peace only to find it slipping between our fingers like sand. It is what our enemy intended, to divide us. To let us destroy ourselves. The plan is working and I see no effort to thwart it from anyone. Disunity is the platform. Sewing discord is the foundation. All the voices sound the same to me. Dispute. Division. Descent.
We are dis-membered. Our body cut into pieces by our waving fingers and harsh words towards each other. Our eyes are blind, our mouths are shouting, our hands waving in protest, our hearts beating out our own self-righteousness because they are all disconnected from the mind. Not our mind, but the mind of Christ. The God of creation. We have lost our way and I feel this loss deeply. Every day, but particularly on this day.
We say, ‘Do not forget. Remember.” I couldn’t agree more. Re-member unity. Re-member humility. Re-member love. Re-member compassion. Re-member. It is our duty to re-member. To stitch and to glue our body back together. On this day, I remember the Queen. I remember the horrors of 9/11, and I choose re-member myself to others for the sake of the unity and peace. And to be able to climb out from my downy armor and stand to greet the day.