I was expecting a monstrously unrecognizable face.  I was expecting to wonder who was lying in the bed.  I thought there would be machines doing all the work of keeping Bill alive.  I was wrong.  I realized this after my attempt to prepare myself with a ragged deep breath and a step into my new world. The fog had lifted as I entered into survival mode.  At first sight, I was relieved to find that I could tell it was my husband there under the sheets.  No fainting or dizziness. As I approached the bed however, he cried out and flailed around.  No one was near him as he randomly yelled a string of incoherent words.  “Let me go!  60, 59,58,57,56…REWIND the tape!!  Help me!  Shell.  Let me go!”  Each step closer brought me face to face with fact that the husband I knew wasn’t currently present in the room.

A male nurse was stationed in the cubicle like a bouncer guarding the door.  Once he was assured I would not be passing out or throwing up, he stepped out of the room to give me some privacy.  I wondered if I might need him for my safety, but then I saw the restraints.  Bill was tied to the bed at the wrists and ankles.  He would not be getting up anytime soon.  The thrashing around was due to the fact he did not know he was tied up.  He thought someone was holding him down.  He would cry out and pull against the unknown bonds.   When that did not work, he would get very still and lower his voice and say, “You can let me go now.  I will be good.”  Then random words that made no sense would come in a rush. Then more attempts to free himself.  My heart was breaking as I stood helplessly watching the struggle.

I stood a few steps back, not knowing how to approach him in this state of alarm.  I waited for a still moment and moved to his side, within range to get a close up of his face.  In the middle of his forehead was a starburst where the skin had pealed back from the bone underneath.  And while I am a usually squeamish person, seeing my husband’s exposed skull didn’t seem to faze me.  I attribute that to the numbness of the day.  The starburst was obviously the point of impact where his head had intersected with wood hanging out of a construction truck at 60 miles per hour.  There were air bubbles in a pool of blood above his left eye.  The eyebrow was missing and the gash had evidently punctured his sinus cavity.  His nose was crushed with another noticeable gash on the bottom right.  It appeared they had tried to clean off the blood, but his constant movement had done very little to help stop the blood from flowing or his appearance.  They had tried to run a tube down his nose to clear stuff out, but it was too smooshed so they went down his throat instead.  The contents of his stomach were in a container on the wall. One side of his face was concave and appeared to be caved in. His eyes were swollen shut, like he had been in a heavy weight title fight.  They were beginning to blacken and bruise giving him the appearance of having lost the bout.  It was horrible, I will not lie.  But, even in the gruesome, bloody mess I could tell it was my Honey.  I could make out the line of his chin, and his cheekbones.  His matted hair still had a bit of a wave, and his teeth were all intact.  This was my husband, no doubt.

I spoke.  “Hey honey.  I’m here.”  He stopped moving  and for a split second there was recognition as he turned his face towards my voice.  Then the counting backwards from 60 again.  “Let me go!  Rewind the tape!”  It dawned on me then…non-responsive didn’t mean what I thought it did.  Non-responsive means he does not respond to the stimulus around him.  With all the screaming I had heard for the past couple of hours I had thought they were working on him or having to do painful tests or something.  Not true.  All that time, he was just randomly screaming out.  The fight or flight of a madman…operating on brain stem alone.  I could talk to him and he would not acknowledge my presence, or that he even knew me.   Yet, he called my name repeatedly.  Later I learned that there are many stages to coma and that at the scene he had been unconscious…which was my picture of what a coma looks like.  He had woken up while they were extracting him from the van and starting swinging.  This did not mean he was out of the coma…but at a different stage.  I would learn more about the brain than I ever wanted to know over the course of the next couple of years, but on this day I was a 23 year old wife that didn’t have a clue about any of it.

I tried to find a place I could touch without causing pain or thrashing.  I stroked his hair, very gently on the side of his head without damage.  I just wanted him to know I was there and to express my love in some tangible way that I thought maybe he could understand.  His babble changed a bit.  He threw in the word ‘home’ with his next reciting of the numbers 60-1.  I took this as a sign that he knew I was there and that somewhere deep inside he was trying to come home to me.  I held onto that thought as I left the room.  Mom, who was never more than a few steps away, held me up.  It was the beginning of many days of constant putting one foot in front of the other.  One step at a time.

In the hallway, the neurosurgeon introduced himself.  He told me that they would be moving Bill to ICU and that the next 24 hours would be critical.  If he lived past that, his chances of survival would improve drastically. The CT scan didn’t turn out because Bill could not be still long enough to be in the machine…even with four people holding him down.  They would try again tomorrow on that.  However, they knew that it was a frontal lobe injury and that his occipital lobe was also affected because of his symptoms. They were watching his intracranial pressure there was a chance they would have to put him in a drug induced coma, the deeper stage, to avoid having to relieve the pressure with surgery.   For now all we could do was watch, wait, and see.  It was my first day to know that for a neurosurgeon, ‘I don’t know’ and ‘Wait and see’ are the two most common phrases.  I decided later on, that I could be one, because all they do is say those two things over and over.