Melt Down

I had a meltdown at midnight Wednesday night. Not intentionally of course, nevertheless I lost control of my tears. I was sleeping deeply when they came to check my blood pressure. I asked for help to the bathroom, because I am hooked up to three different machines while I sleep, plus my drain and my block. It is a 20 minute ordeal to get me ready to walk the five feet to the bathroom. On the way back to the bed, every step of the way was horrific. I began to cry and once I started, I couldn’t stop. The poor girl that was sent in to take my blood pressure got way more than she bargained for. Within one minute of me getting back in the bed she was out the door, racing for my regular nurse. When she arrived she had syringe in hand, ready to shoot. Even once the big medicine when in I couldn’t seem to stop my tears. It occurred to me that this could be really bad, because pain combined with my ongoing grief might be difficult to reign in.
I know about staying ahead of the pain. I had a similar melt down at one point during my chemo treatments when they couldn’t use my port, and couldn’t find a vein. I lost it. It was kind of like that one, only it didn’t last for hours. After about 30 minutes I was tucked in, leg once again numbed by meds and I went off to sleepy land. This morning they brought my meds before they removed the drain and nerve block. My leg is waking up now. I can tell you that this recovery will be a challenge. The PT pushes me to tears even with the medicine…but it is necessary if I am to get full range back.
Today was a good day overall. I came home. Got a nap, and a shower, and a good meal. I feel very much like myself today. The medicine I am on now isn’t exactly agreeing with me. Nausea among other things, foggy brain, shaky…the usual pain med side effects. However, when I am in my own environment, the side effects seem more minor because my chair is more comfortable with my kids around it.
It has occurred to me that I am once again immobilized in my chair. I am aware that this is a place where God makes himself real to me…my weakness…his strength. I believe he has something to say, always, but particularly when I am down. At least it is how he works with me. There will be more to come…stay tuned.

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