I visited with Louise tonight. She was pretty tired when Peter and I got there. She was thrilled to see that he got is braces off. She talked about how handsome he looks. She was also pleased to show us her new room, and that led to another description of her old one. We talked about the food, she thinks its terrible. She has decided to take her meals in her room because she said that the people in the dining room are so “out of it.” One minute she talks about therapy, the next she says she doesn’t have any. She told me that she cannot remember what they do in therapy from day to day. It is frustrating her and she said if it doesn’t work soon she would just like to go home “to Ray’s house.”
Tonight she was having difficulty talking coherently. She knows what she wants to say, she just cannot find the words. It is extremely hard when she wants some response from you but you have no idea what she is talking about. She keeps trying and trying to get it so that you can understand it. For example, she was talking about a friend who stopped by today. She couldn’t remember the name. She told me how to get to her house thinking that if I knew where she lived I would know who she was talking about. She told me how long she had known her, what they do together…everything but the name. Each name she tried, she knew it was the wrong one. She finally gave up. Then further into the conversation she said, “Sue said that the group was going tomorrow.” I said, “It’s Sue. That’s the name you were trying to get earlier.” She was relieved that I finally knew who she was talking about. Now multiply that by 5 or 6 other things she wants to tell me about…each time working through some part of the story by giving clues to me. It is like charades, only with nonsense words and hand gestures. It is exhausting for her…and for those trying to guess the meaning of her words. I can see why she is so frustrated.
You know how you hate it when someone you love suffers? Like a teen-age broken heart or a friend who grieves over a wayward child? It is just hard to watch and you feel so helpless. I had that feeling tonight with Louise. She was so frustrated and there was little to nothing I could do to help her. Again, I was taken back to when Bill had his injury. Just trying to imagine that I couldn’t tell people what I was thinking or feeling. How hard would it be to wake up and not know things the way you have known them your whole life? I close one eye to see what she sees, since her other eye isn’t working correctly. How scary to realize you do not know how to do things that have been part of you for that long…like reading, and playing music.
I am in a trauma trance, or hardship haze…whatever you call the feeling that you are walking in waist deep water and cannot move very quickly. My heart hurts for her. She is such a trooper, trying as best she can to figure it all out. She gets fearful of the future and agitated when things in the present don’t go fast enough. She still has her spunk. Her personality is much the same. Time and rest will work wonders. She is still only 9 days out from her surgery, so there is still much her brain is working through. If we only use a small amount of our brain capacity, it stands to reason that she will be able to awaken some of the un-used portion to fill the gaps left by the tumor. We are hopeful and we see progress daily, in small increments. Tonight I am tired of the brain trauma roller-coaster, and so was she. Tomorrow is a new day.

One thought on “Frustration

  1. its nice to hear some one elice tell about her goings on.
    its been a 15 years since tne right hand side off my braine went dark.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s