Have you ever had God work on every area of your life at once? Right now it seems that he is allowing me to go through a shaking. It’s probably my own fault…you know when you pray for him to take you deeper you can count on him doing it. Then when he pulls out all your foundations you cry out “Stop!” Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, he doesn’t listen to those screams, rather he forges ahead with his work.
Two of my children are gone. The house is incredibly quiet. My grocery bill went down by $50 a week. I do not see either of those things as good by the way. I miss them both and it has only been a short time. My emotions are very close to the surface these days. I feel a bit raw. My heart has one piece in Rome and another in Nashville. Kind of scattered. My role has changed. I wonder if this is how Jesus felt when he left his disciples. Did he wonder if they would eat enough? Or if they would remember what he had taught them? Did he ever feel like turning around and changing the plan so he would not have to leave them? Hmmmm….I wonder.
Work is different this year. New job, less pay. Not good. I enjoy it well enough because it requires a lot of organization…one of my strengths. I miss being in the classrooms and co-teaching, that was my element. This is management and that means a lot of stress to get every thing accomplished in the proper way, plus paperwork and no time for it. I wonder if Jesus ever felt this way. Maybe when he had to feed thousands with five loaves and two fish? He never doubted it would be enough, so I guess I shouldn’t either. What I have to offer will be enough to reach the multitudes of students that come my way. The truth is I hate change and this is a big change for me. It is that simple. I will do it and adjust but I feel on edge about it all because it is unfamiliar territory. My role has changed.
Our church is experiencing some hard circumstances. We will be looking for a new pastor to replace a long time friend of ours. Turmoil is rolling around despite efforts to avoid it. My heart is breaking for my friends, their son, the affected families, and our body. Losing a pastor is never an easy thing…sheep without a Shepherd and all that. Friendship that changes form is painful, a bit like your heart being ripped apart. A bittersweet thing…growing and changing is good. Right? Doesn’t feel so good right now. Again, I know that Jesus can relate to having to say goodbye to deep friendships. He did it on a much larger scale, so once again, he knows the pain. Once again he asks me to trust him and allow him to do his work in my heart, even as my life changes all around me. My purpose is different in every area…I don’t even know what or how it will change…just that it will. I will choose to press in and listen here in the quiet place. For I know he has a message…

One thought on “Unsettled

  1. If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.

    Dear God, I pray for patience
    and I want it right now! (O. Arnold)

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