Many of you heard about my trip to the ER Wednesday night, with what felt a great deal like labor pains. I have to tell you that fear was my first response to abdominal pain. I wish I could say my faith rose up to battle but it did not. In fact, though the results of my CT scan show nothing amiss, I still am pushing fear away. It is not fear of the hospital or even of pain really, it is fear of a cancer recurrence. I know that my kids are also experiencing similar fear from the questions they are asking me about how this compares to last time. It is there, in the back of all of our minds, and I thought to bring it out in the light might diminish its hold. I am afraid. It is irrational I know, seeing the results of the tests are all good. Last month at the oncologist for a check up, she said I never looked better. All scans and blood work show no cancer. The ER tests have the same results. Yet in my head none of that matters, because the pain was too great to be nothing.
Now my heart is another matter. It says to hold steady and know that the test results are true. It says God is still in control. It says to be strong. It says all of my praying friends stepped up, and healing was the result, and that is why the doctor did not find anything. My heart is holding on to the truth. My mind is betraying me with all its questions. In this battle between head and heart, the head is winning at the moment. I find these internal battles fascinating. I guess my psychology background of trying to understand human behavior is what draws me to try to understand. I know that sometimes the head wins and other times the heart. I wonder why they do not work together more often. It seems that life would be much less stressful if they did. I have found that when my head follows my heart or vise versa I am more confident of my decisions and choices. I am more secure in my faith, I feel more balanced and secure.
As far as I know, only God can bring the two into alignment. To focus on the fear will be my downfall. It will continue to cause internal turmoil. I have learned one thing over the course of my life and it is that focus is everything. When I get my eyes on circumstances it is almost always a mistake. It doesn’t really matter what the circumstances are. I makes me think of Peter when he was trying to walk on water. His focus shifted. The waves overtook him because of it. So even though fear is licking the corners of my mind, I am going to choose to focus elsewhere. I will follow up with doctors as I feel led to, but they cannot guarantee health. God himself will not do that, but he does guarantee his presence and his faithfulness in my life, no matter the trial. I will hold to that. My eyes will be on his promises while I wait for him to synchronize my head and heart.