On Wednesday I left a part of my heart in
Rome.  It was move-in day at Berry, and we took Hannah bright and early. There were Berry Bellhops dressed in orange shirts that helped to unload the truck. Since we were there first they were eager and fresh, which was the reason we arrived so early.  One man came into the room carrying boxes…turns out he is the new president of Berry.  We were impressed.  

Her roommate, Abby is precious and requested that we pray for their room before we began the work.  You cannot tell me God doesn’t answer prayer.  As the six of us stood hand in hand I found it hard not to start the tears right then and there. The decorating soon took my mind away from the thoughts that were hanging nearby calling for my attention.  We spent the day fixing up her room.  It was quite an event and took most of the day.  When we were finished she was living in an adorable space transformed with bright colorful fabrics and black and white photos. We were all very pleased with the result.  If it hadn’t been for the upcoming parting, the welcome ceremony and reception would have been more enjoyable.  It was awesome to be in the brand new Cage Athletic Center that did not even exist when we were there.  All and all the whole day was exciting and exhausting.  After a dinner at Olive Garden, we drove her back to the dorm to say our goodbyes and I love yous.  I made it through without a total melt down…at least in front of her.  When she walked away to go into that big oak door my heart broke into pieces. 

Let me say that I am happy for her, no doubt about that.  It was time for this monumental step and she will do great.  But there is something about realizing that your life just moved into a completely new season that causes you a pause. You see, what she does not know is that things will never be the same.  Our family dynamics have changed.  She will return for breaks, but she is on her way to her own life.  I understand that because I have been through it.  She has not.  It is hard to watch your first baby walk away.  They say that it gets easier with each one, and that by the time you get to the fourth you are kicking them out.  I can’t imagine that to be true in this moment.  Back in the truck the tears came freely…kleen-x beside me…Bill holding my hand.  

Driving out of the gate I felt as though I was leaving part of myself behind.  The only comparison I have is the feeling I had after I miscarried our first child.  At that time I told Bill it was like part of my personality was missing. It is an emptiness that cannot be easily described.  The difference is that while that was an unnatural event, this is completely natural and even voluntary choice.  I will see Hannah again, in fact, I have already talked to her twice.  The pain of the separation simply shows me that we have a great relationship.  My heart would not hurt so badly if we didn’t.  My journey through cancer drew us closer and those months will be cherished even as the year progresses and she steps into this new phase. 

God is faithful.  He is trustworthy even with our children…that are really his.  I am in the process of releasing her fully into his care.  It is a gradual process and I am looking forward to the benefits that will unfold in our relationship as the seasons change.  Until then, my emotions are riding close to the surface and a big piece of my heart is missing.