I had a tiring day yesterday.  Worked all day, then off to the hospital for a CT scan.  My appointment was at 5:30 and I left the hospital at about 8:30.  Long day.  This is my yearly one…just to make sure there are no changes.  I am feeling good so I am not worried on the surface.  However, down deep I know it is eating at my mind.  I know that there is a word more scary than cancer…it is recurrence.   I do not know when I will have the results.  My doctors appointment isn’t until the 24^th.  That is a long wait…but I also know from experience that if it is bad they call you. 

The procedure itself went well.  Only one stick, and though it was a big one, it went pretty well.  What I didn’t expect was my reaction to this procedure.  I have had a couple of these now and I know what it is like.  I told Bill not to come because I would be fine.  It seemed crazy to me to have him miss class for this.  For the first hour and ½ I was right.  I drank my dye and read magazines, completely uneventful.  It was when the needle was going in that I had a problem.  Not my usual needle issue, but more like a traumatic flashback or something.  Kind of a panic rising up. Like the whole cancer thing and all I have been through was right there on the surface.  I had to close my eyes and really concentrate to not fall completely apart.  Then God…I love it…then God reminded me of my secret place with him. I am not alone, even when I am alone. It was a sweet moment. I was able to rest, even as the hot dye was running through me.  It didn’t take but a few minutes for the test to be over but the lesson was learned.  He is there, yet again, because he will never leave or forsake me.  Now to remember while I wait…