I got home from work today…I am exhausted…and William asked to go to the funeral home. It seems that one of his friends’ mother died. I came to find out that this woman is one of the soccer moms I have been sitting with at soccer games for years. Her son and Peter are on the same team. Her daughter and William are the same age and they sit together at the games as well.
She died of cancer. She was diagnosed Dec. 4th. Wow…that is way to close for comfort. I went to the funeral home…I know that probably wasn’t the wisest thing I have done, but William was sincere in his wish to support his friend. I wanted to honor that. Bill took the other kids on to church and I went with William.
It was difficult to say the least. Then they played a song she had written after she realized she was going to die. It is called Why Not Live? They had CD’s for sale to pay for her expenses…no insurance. The song was playing as the kids arrived and I lost it. Watching her kids weep and knowing that could easily have been mine was more than I could take.
There were many people from the community there, dedicated teachers that I know that came to support the kids…their students. All of us were talking. Many asked how I was doing. I was happy to give a good report. Others asked for the specifics of my journey and I shared them.
When I heard that song I recognized it…because I have lived it. The whole scene was somehow surreal to me. All the chit-chat about nothing much as life went on. The reality of my past few months seemed in my face, but no one seemed to notice. It was as if they didn’t really want to hear my answers but felt obligated to ask the questions. After the first couple of times I saw eyes glaze over after my first couple of statements and realized that surface level, “I am doing good” was all I needed to say. There was one friend there that thought to ask, “How are you holding up through this?” The tears came then. It is hard to watch death up close. But most of all the song got to me…in a good way. It sounds a lot like my new motto…live fully. I understood what she was saying to all of us in the room. I am not sure it was more than a “sweet song” to many that were there. But for me, it was full of an important message crying out from the grave…
Why Not Live
I hit an oil slick the other day, my feet started sliding
and I couldn’t stay in the place that I had been so many years.
Why? why? Why? was all I could say,
I remember when my baby asked me
every day, every minute, every hour, all the time.
And I said Why not?
that’s what came to me.
Love my loved ones furiously,
Live each moment as if were your last,
Because the road that we’re on takes so many turns,
and the pain of this life causes many yearns
We won’t always know the reasons why
We don’t always get to say good byes,
It’s for certain were all gonna to die. So why not live?
Why not live and give, all you have to give?
Why not cry and sob, till all the tears are gone?
Why not laugh till it hurts and your smile is frozen on?
Just remember to receive all the love
God’s inside us all and not just up above
Why not live? why not sob? why not laugh?… it goes too fast
When you want to ask the question why,
If you’ve got the choice to live or die,
You don’t need to know the reasons why,
Why not live? Why not live? Why not live?
Written by Sue Saunders, who believed in laughing loud and living fully.
Michelle's Mosaic 
Thanks for sharing this painful moment in your journey Michelle. Thanks for pointing out life and death to us again. Thanks for being real as it got really close for you and William and the community you live in. May it make all of us rise up and live a little bit more.
My Mom’s roommate had a stroke yesterday. She is the sweetest, gentlest little black gal. I would stop and ask her yes and no questions and with a twinkle in her eye she would always answer “oh yeah” in this beautiful black drawl. Her hands were soft and caring, her words were limited to ‘oh yeah” with the exception of every once in a while, she would say a word or two of exactly what she meant to…then you saw her brilliance trapped behind things gone bad. She now can’t speak at all, and one hand raises up reaching for what, nobody knows. Her eyes search me when I go by. I still stop and ask my questions…but I say the “oh yeah” for her.
It’s all too close to the end of times for me. Makes Mom’s end of times all that more real…All of this is too close to the edge of eternity for my tastes…
It takes courage to walk some days because it’s all too close to the edge.
Love you my friend.
I guess that seeing death up close is part of getting older. Maybe that is why teenagers don’t think about it…they don’t have to see. I am sorry to know how hard it is for you…in a different way from me but still just as real. You keep talking to the woman with the stroke. She can hear you and maybe even think some about what you say in her spirit. She is just trapped in the body. Speak life to the spirits of those that are there with your mom. The spirit is where the life is!
Dear Michelle,
To be confronted with the thin line between life and death can be very scary and can paralyze your thinking. With you I see no such thing. I admire your courage to really feel. You feel the deep lows of pain, but then again, you will also feel the peaks of happiness. I hope I make some sense..
I work in a hospice in Holland and see many people struggling with life and death. They all want to really feel, but it is very hard. But when time goes by, they gradually learn to feel and they come to know it is oke to feel sad and happy at the same time. Then, I think, they live life to the fullest.
I love the song that Sue wrote and I was wondering if I could use it in my blog.
With love,
Margreet
Wow…my words are all the way in Holland!! I would have never known that God would send them that far from my home. I think you put it well when you said they feel both happy and sad at the same time…that is where you can live fully…in each moment. I wish I could figure a way to get the song on so you could actually hear it because it is very powerful. You should be able put the words on your blog as long as Sue gets the credit…if I figure out how to get the audio online somehow (I will check with the family first) I will let you know. Thanks for your thoughts.
Thank you Michelle, and off course Sue gets the credits! I will make sure my friends in Holland will read and “feel” her important message. I would indeed love to hear the song and hope you find a way to get the audio online.
With love,
Margreet
i love your blog, great !
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