I have an answer to my question.  I told you I would let you know the answer. It is the question I asked during my infection, you remember…why?  Why this?  Why another complication?  All of those wonderful things that come into your head in the midst of an unbelievably difficult time when you cannot see the end of the tunnel ahead.  I had some time to talk with God.  I heard his answer and it was no surprise to me.  I have heard it before.  “For my Glory.” 

Now I don’t know about you, but that just isn’t what I am looking for in an answer.  It is way too vague and I do not really even know that I agree with it.  I mean wouldn’t it be more glorious to him if I just got completely healed without all the drugs?  That way he would get all the credit.  I told him all of this in my time of infection…I was quite heated in my rationale.  He patiently listened to me rant and rave I am sure.  Then he repeated himself, “for my glory.”  I hate it when he does that, because that means he wants me to dig a bit.  I have to think it through and ask again what exactly that means, then I have to listen for the answer.  It would be so much easier if I could tell him how things should be. 🙂 

I think “for my glory’ could mean many different things.  It could be that my testimony will point people around me, like you guys who read this, to him.  I hope that is true.  It could be that in my weakness his strength will be evident not only to those around me but also to me.  I think this is closer to what he means.  It is my journey after all.  At my absolute end, I find that I can go further than I have ever thought.  I can endure because of his great love for me.  When I have nothing but tears, he still holds me close.  It is actually a very intimate, private thing to have nothing to offer him.  Only myself in my broken state…but that is all he wants.  That is what he means “for my glory.”  In that deep place of brokenness, he is more alive and real…more glorious than any other time.  I am assured by his heavy presence that he knows all and he is in all.  He is drawing me closer to himself in a way that only this kind of experience can do.  He has done this before with me.  It is back to my secret place where I have nothing…but him…and his glory!