I have found that there are different levels of flexibility.  I know that is kind of obvious but in this journey of mine it is a surprise to me.  I thought that I was a flexible person and most of my friends will tell you that I am.  Especially at work, I have to be flexible to do the job that I do.  Then cancer happened.  I found myself sitting in a chair barely able to lift my head on my own without terrible pain.  That was a shock to my imagined flexibility.  I wrestled with it some but was too exhausted to fight, so I just sat and rested.  A good thing to do. 

Then chemo started.  I scheduled my days to rest.  That one word, ‘scheduled’ tells you what I thought my level of control was.  Like I could determine which days I would feel bad or good…right.  I quickly found that my days are not as predictable as I had hoped.  Still, I have adjusted and just learned to go with each day as I can…so I thought.

Now there is an infection.  Every trip to the doctor brings a different surprise…a culture, a blood test, a trip to the hospital or lab.  I never know what will happen when I go.  I think this last thing kind of put me over the edge for a few days.  All is not well for me when I do not know what is coming.  It’s the unknown fears that rise up, how long will this infection take to heal?  Will it heal?  Will I be sick forever?  Those irrational fears are the ones that come in once the rational ones have had their say first.  All of this is very draining because my mind will not shut off.  Then my menopausal emotions kick in and blow everything out of proportion.  It is a cycle I am seeing.  A cycle I cannot seem to control.  It is embarrassing to go to the doctor and blubber like a child.  If I am strong I can get through most medical things, but I am not strong now.  I am a frightened child again.  So the illusion of control has been broken once again.  I cannot do it alone.  I have to depend on God and those of you he uses to hold me up.  It is a comfort to know there are many of you.  I am impatient with this journey and am ready to be well.  I want to be left alone by the medical people that poke and prod.  But instead I will yield…to them and to God.