Courage is an interesting word. I used to think of is as the absence of fear but now I know it is moving on despite your fears. Fear doesn’t mean a lack of faith, on the contrary…when you are afraid it requires more faith- more trust- more surrender. When you are afraid, faith is harder but it is in the difficulty that strength is built. The difficulty is what shows us where we are weak…it is only then that he can make us strong in Him, not in ourselves.
In this journey, cancer is not as much the culprit of my fear, though it is pretty high up there…it is being real with the fear that is hard. Feeling so out of control and realizing that my very life is not mine to decide. It is a fear of what God may allow. We all know that God doesn’t always do things our way as much as we pray for what we want. We have all known those that deserved better than what they got in life and that is the rub. That is what scares me in this journey. What if his outcome is different than mine? Can I still walk through this if healing isn’t his choice for me? I have hope. That is a Christian’s secret weapon…that is the reason we choose to give up our freedom and become his servants. We trust that he knows what is better for us than we do.
But when disaster strikes in one way or another do we really believe that? This is where the wrestling with our faith begins. This is the heart of it all. This is our secret fear revealed by one word from a doctor. My cover is blown, all the dark thoughts that make up my hidden fears are out for all to see. And so my choice is to hide even those fears or to live them out in a transparent form. God says to my heart, “Can you be transparent? Can you live out your weakness and let others in to see me hold you up? In your weakness I will show myself strong.” And so there are no secrets in this journey. No hiding. Tears ran freely and still do. There are no apologies for my tears. It hurts and they are real. And in my tears…he is there, holding me close knowing the ending that I cannot see. I choose to trust.