More medical fun today. A urologist this time since my oncologist is at a loss.  I had a cysto....something or another.  It is a camera that goes into your bladder to look at the inside.  I know you think that sounds like lots of fun!  It really was not that bad, of course after what I have been through this year you have to put that in perspective.  Truly it was a short 3 minute test to try to find the source of my UTI's.  As helpful as it would seem, they found nothing.  That is good but makes me wonder what is going on.  Actually the doctor said that the inside of my bladder looks amazingly healthy.  No irritation, no infection, no foreign objects(I was glad to hear this), no blockages, no stones, no polips...big relief there, I didn't even realize I was holding my breath on that one...all healthy tissue.  His best guess to the cause is that my immune system has not fully recovered and that my weak area is the UT.  With diabetes, and a hysterectomy and chemo...all of those things contribute to a healthy (or unhealthy) UT.  He thinks that time will heal me up as my immune system continues to get stronger.  In the mean time he wants me on a low dose of antibiotics to keep bacteria at bay until I am strong enough, my hormones are balanced enough and my sugar is in control enough for my body to fight for itself.  He has prescribed a 12 week treatment for my body to settle itself down.  After that he doesn't think I will have any more problems.  I hope he is right.  It has been longer this time between infections.  I think this is the longest I have gone in over a year...3 weeks without a problem.  And I can go to the bathroom by myself...an added bonus!  The sling seems to be taking and working better and better everyday.  I have hope that things are eventually going to get back to normal. 

Of course Friday is my colonoscopy...think of it this way, at least I will know what all of my insides look like!  All of this is aggressive health care.  Not taking anything for granted and not putting things off.  If I need baseline I want to get it now, even if it is yucky to do so.  This is taking care of my body so that it will take care of me.  Friday is the last of the tests to make sure all is well.  No one expects any problem because everything has been looking so good.  I have no symptoms...my doctor is just cautious.  I like that in a doctor.

I have to say that this day...this birthday of mine, is a welcome day.  I didn't know if I would make this one.  At one point I was not sure, of course soon after I found that I had stage one and that treatment would probably have good results.  But the idea that I am celebrating this day with good health is still amazing to me.  I am so grateful to be living and breathing.  I am privilaged to be able to work and to walk and to breathe.  Everytime I go to Curves I remind myself of how great it is to be ABLE to go.  When I do not want to go, I tell myself that I get to go...and remember what it was like not to get to.  I am so blessed.  My children are frustrated with me because I cannot think of one thing I need.  They asked for what to buy me and I couldn't come up with one thing.  I just want to be with them and enjoy being together.  They got me some CD's, a book and a gift certificate for clothes...and sweet cards that made me cry. It does not matter the number of years I have been here today.  I am not old...I am alive.  I am sooooo blessed!!!!

 This is a message God spoke to my heart last week when I was pretty down about my job...he put it all back into perspective.  Obviously I did not put the names of the children in only their intials. 

My daughter,
I want you to know that nothing I do is wasted, therefore nothing you do is
wasted either.  I am a craftsman.  I send you the children that I wish for
you to have.  There is not one that I did not send to you, but I did not send
them to learn to read.  Oh you can teach them that, and it will be useful to them
here in this life.  But I sent them instead because I knew you would plant
the seeds of my love…I will harvest those in the future. Sweet daughter…I sent
them so you could teach them that they are valuable and have worth.  K. needs
to know she is beautiful.  D. needs to learn that his enthusiasm, when
tempered, is a gift from me.  Each one needs something different and I put
them there because you can give it to them. 

Did you not see the fire in S.'s eyes yesterday?…you put it there.  Do you not remember the blank and confused
stares she used to give?  Precious one…You had a part in that change in her spirit…she
got what she needs last year and now she can move on to what I have next for her.  Not one
minute wasted. I fashion masterpieces.  That takes time.  A masterpiece takes years and
years to create.  Do not allow the enemy to steal your worth to me, daughter…in the
place that I have placed you.  You do not see the fullness of the fruit of what
you do…but it will matter in eternity.  You are building a masterpiece with
me in each child. And I am building one in you as well.  Ah…do you not think that you need
these children as much as they need you?  I have orchestrated the whole thing.  You
are a student in that classroom as well…my student that learns of me, and my
ways.  Just remember my Masterpieces are not built in  a short time…but over an eternity..
Sincerely,
Your Loving Father,
Your diligent master,
Your saving Lord,
Your master craftsman
Your masterpiece designer,
GOD

I am exhausted once again.  My school schedule is more cram-packed than it has been in a few years.  I have no break from the morning to the afternoon.  I teach all day with barely enough time to eat lunch.  I think my body is healthy, but it is not used to this pace and stress load.  The frustrations of education and all that goes with it still cause me to wrestle within myself.  I love to teach children.  I love the light bulb moments that come when they get it.  I also love trying to teach things in different ways so they understand.  The paperwork and the tracking are impossible.  I don’t even have my own classroom and I am overwhelmed…the regular classroom teachers are snowed under all the time.  It is this red tape and craziness that I hate.  So I wrestle with the question…if life is short is this what I want to do with the time I have?  Don’t get me wrong…I plan to live to a ripe old age…but if I didn’t…if I only had a year or two, is this what I would do?  Do I make enough of a difference?  These are my post-cancer questions that have no answers at the moment. 

Things will settle down at school, we are only in the second week.  I am always overwhelmed at this time of the year…so some of this is circumstances that are normal.  I am in graduate school on top of that, which adds more.  I am waiting on God.  I am asking him if not this then what?  And how and where?  I am getting a masters degree so I will be staying in the field one way or another.  I am not planning to leave teaching…just wondering, and waiting.  Next year in our county is a big one with a new school opening and bringing sixth grade back to an elementary level, so everything will change.  It will be fruit basket turnover.  We will see what happens…

       The adventure of Saturday made me wonder, as do all things.  As I questioned God to the lesson of the events, he began to show me.  Living fully is risky.  I do not mean the physical adventure of rafting and the danger that goes along with it.  Again, it is a picture of something bigger.  In life when you choose to live fully that means in every area:  relationships, family, work, emotionally, spiritually…all of it.  To love fully without hindrance and blockages is a risky thing.  Children do it, but somewhere between childhood and adulthood, we begin to guard ourselves.  We lose the freedom of heart that allows us to savor life.  We have relationships that are strained.  Our jobs lack passion.  Families are pulled apart.  When we do not fully embrace life we think we are safe…but at what cost?  We choose not to take a risk for fear of falling in…and drowning.  Humans do not like to loose control.  What should be an adventure down the river of life becomes panic when we plunge into a difficult place.  We grasp trying to regain our control.  Once we are rescued by God, we want to stay in the place of safety and quietly go back to life as usual, until the next crisis. 

            I am not suggesting that we jump wildly out without consideration for our safety or well-being.  I am saying that we need to take a calculated risk.  What are the chances that the jump will end in freedom?  With the Lord, they are quite high.  Just think if we could live our lives fully.  We could be like those boys that jumped in embracing the adventure of the moment. Our jump might be taking a risk by forgiving someone, or reconciling with a family member. Maybe making the first move to set things right with a friend or loving unconditionally. We could embrace God’s purpose for our lives instead of running from it by surrendering control to him.  Knowing that life abundantly is worth the risk…our lives would be different.  We would be trusting God, not guarding our hearts.  We would know that his desire is for us to join him in the adventure of life. 

Did you know that living fully can be dangerous?  I found that out yesterday while rafting…or should I say swimming… in the river.  Our trip down started well.  We made it through the first rapid smoothly for the most part.  The river seemed a little lower than usual and most every raft was getting hung up on the rocks periodically.  The first raft through an area would hang, and the next three would bump them out.  It was fun and everyone was splashing each other enjoying the trip. 

Then…don’t you love that word…then we came around a turn and bumped another boat off the rock it was stuck on…just like normal.  The next boat came and bumped us, but instead of moving us off it wedged us in between two rocks in such a way that the water rushed into our boat filling it fully in seconds.  We rearranged, to no avail.  The only choice we had was to get out of the raft onto the rock in the middle of a fast moving river.  We had four boys with us…Peter and one of his friends, and two ninth graders from our church. 

Once out of the raft, Bill worked frantically to get the it loose using his paddle as a crow bar to peel the raft away from the rocks.  (A side note…when in an emergency situation it is very good to have an ADD brain with you.  Thinking quickly of all possibilities of escape comes naturally to them!)  He managed to get it moved to the side of the rocks and climbed back in to try to push it the rest of the way.  It was working; the raft was coming loose even though it was completely full of water!  Peter got in and I grabbed the end of the raft to hold it steady for the other boys to jump in…I bet you can guess what happened.  The raft broke loose from the rocks, pulled me right into the current, and left the 3 boys stranded on a rock in the middle of the river. 

Now when they tell you not to panic when you go into the river it is for a reason.  As I went in, the ice cold water stole my breath from me.  I came up under the raft and could not get my head above the water…so the first thing I did...panic.  I forgot all about the swimmers position that is supposed to help you survive and began flailing in the water.  Finally, my head came up and I scanned for the raft as I bumped along the rocks.  I tried to swim to the raft but my legs and arms were numb from the cold…and probably the panic…so I could not make any progress.  Peter…my son who listened well to the video…put his paddle out for me to grab.  I grabbed it trying to get my hand to grip and hold.  I thought if I could just get my lungs out from under the cold-water maybe, I could breathe again. 

I grabbed the rope around the raft and tried to pull myself up as Peter and Bill were pulling my life jacket over my head.  The other thing in that tape that is important is the part where they say your life jacket should fit snuggly.  It felt snug to me, but in this situation, I had to let go of the rope to try to hold my jacket on.  Finally, after what seemed like 30 minutes, but was probably only three, I was back in the raft.  Sitting on the bottom of the boat, I was up to my neck in water since it was still full. I could not catch my breath.  Bill tried hard to maneuver the raft down the moving water, but it was not responding because it was so heavy.  We had lost two paddles so Peter and I just watched as we rounded the corner and the three boys on the rock disappeared from view.

Bill managed to get the raft to the edge of the river and grabbed a tree to try to pull us to shore.  In the process, he lost his hat and almost his head but he did it.  The spot we were in was not a safe one but there was ground there so we got out and tried to empty the boat so we could go down further to get help.  There was no way the three of us could do it.  I was still gasping for air and shaking all over.  Peter was crying for his friends…“go back…we have to go back”.  We yelled to each raft going by that we needed help, but the water was too fast for them to get to us.

Bill worked and worked but a six-man raft full of water is heavy. We tried bailing with our hands.  Any time he got it to so it might be at the correct angle to dump it, the current would start to catch it moving it away from us.  Peter and I decided to walk up the bank to see if we could yell to the boys to hang on until we got help. Of course, we were on the far side of the river, not the side where the road would have cars and help readily available.  As we were walking, the woods were too thick, filled with briars and no trail. 

At this point, I knew we had to get out to get help quickly.  I sent Peter back to Bill and told him to tell Bill I was walking out to get help.  I miraculously saw a bike up ahead and trudged through the briars to find the trail.  As it turned out, there was an asphalt trail all the way back up to the drop point.  I could not see the river along the way but I could hear it.  I walked for what I guess was 11/2 to 2 miles…it seemed to take forever.  I found the first staff person I could and promptly fell apart. 

After regaining my composure, a wonderful bus driver offered to take me down to get help. I pointed out where I thought Bill and Peter were so we would know where to send help. Then, as we were driving along the road, I spotted the boys soaked standing beside the road.  I cried with relief.  They were all smiles and thought that this was the adventure of a lifetime…you gotta love kids.  They had jumped in and tried to swim the river.  After about 2 minutes, they realized that would not work…too cold.  They made their way to the bank on the same side of the river as we did.  They climbed out and found the bike trail, stopped a bike and asked for directions.  They found their way to a footbridge and waited for someone to see them on the side of the road.  I was amazed at how they were able to do all of this.  We rode down to the bottom of the river and I told them to send someone to help Bill.  While we were waiting for them to get Bill down, the rest of our group finished rafting. 

The guide helped Bill dump the water and paddle down to the other side of the river.  They pulled the raft out and put it on the van.  All of this took hours…and needless to say we didn’t get to raft anymore that day.  It was an adventure and once we were all back together and safe it seemed funny.  At the time, it was not.  Now you know I can’t help but look for the lesson in this story…but I have written too much for one post…so you will have to tune in tomorrow for the continuation… 

Who is watching you?  Who is listening to your words to see if they match your actions?  Yesterday I found out that my son is watching me.  Let me tell you how.  We have scheduled a rafting trip with our Sunday School class.  We all take our families and go down together.  Last year Bill took the kids and went without me...I was recovering.  It broke my heart for them to go without me, and at that time I didn't know if I would ever be able to raft again.  They had a blast...I knew they would.  

Then this summer in Alaska I did it!  I got completely caught up in the thrill of it and when our Sunday School class decided to go again, our family was the first name on the list...that was in June.  As the time got closer, we realized that Peter's first football game and team pictures were on the same day.  We tried to work it out for someone else to take him to his game so the rest of us could go rafting.  Nothing we tried worked, so I told him that I would stay home to take him.  I really didn't want to, but it meant so much to him I didn't want him to miss out.  He immediately said, "No way you are missing the rafting.  You have to live fully!  I will skip my game and come too. There are plenty of other games but you really want this."  This is the part where I realize what we have been through has affected us all.  This is the part where I realize they are listening and watching.  This is the part where I cry at the sacrafice of an 11 year old for his mothers dreams.  Live Fully...someone is watching!

I have great news!  I went to my endriconologist (?) today.  My blood pressure is great!  My lipids are great!  My colesterol is great!  My thyroid is great!  My A1C is 5.2...that is great!  I asked about another medication for my glucose that I had heard about and she said no because with your glucose as low as it is you would drop too low.  Wow!  How wonderful to get such great news. I went to Curves to celebrate.  It has been six weeks since my bladder surgery so I am good to go...slowly.  It was good to get back into my work outs...they are stress relievers.  With school starting I need some stress relief.  It is nice for a change to hear how healthy I am becoming...great!

Another trip to the funeral home.  This one was tragic beyond words.  My student, an eight-year-old boy, lost his mother.  Two weeks ago, he lost his father. Heartbreaking does not begin to cover it.  It is remarkable how resilient children are.  I know that the depth of this day has not yet affected this boy.  It may not for years to come. Yet I cannot help but wonder what is the plan?  If you know God is in control, and he allows things for his purposes…what is the purpose?  To me, this night, I cannot see it.  I see a little boy without parents and a family torn apart.  It is hard.  It affects my heart.  And now I have the chance to teach this child.  I will see him every day and try to help him put his life together.  Everyday teachers deal with the circumstances in the lives of our students.  Some are difficult and heartbreaking…like today.  It is my calling and a ministry to reach children.  My job has never been about test scores…it is about children and life. 

Can it have only been two days that we have been back at school?  It seems like a month at least.  I am exhausted after only two days!  It is this way every year...but it is like labor, you forget the trauma from the last one until it is too late.  I know that next week will be a super long one because it will be 5 days.  Things will get smoother as the structure begins...it is the first few days of procedures and policies that take forever.  Once we can get our routine established we will hit the ground running.  The kids are immature and act like they don't know how to do anything themselves...except talk and play.  By the end of the year they are ship shape and we send them on...only to get a new group of little ones and start over.  It is a perspective thing however.  One of our new teachers came from teaching 1st grade and she is amazed at how mature and independent they are!  Imagine that.  It is all about expectations. 

I do have a prayer request for one of my students.  Last week his father died suddenly from a heart attack at 37.  We have been watching him closely these two days back.  We found out this afternoon that his mother died today!  So far the cause is unknown...didn't wake up.  It is so hard to deal with this kind of loss even for adults much less an 8 year old.  Please pray for the grandmother who will be taking even greater responsibility now, and for the sibling of this boy.  It is a tragic situation.