I have had a bad day today.  I am not sure if it is the chemo or if I am getting sick.  It started yesterday on our way home with upset stomach...then in the night the aches came.  I haven't felt good all day.  I haven't even changed into real clothes.  We will call tomorrow to see what the doctors say...if this is normal or if this feeling is the beginning of some kind of infection.  So far there is no fever so at least for now there doesn't appear to be an infection.

Also my dad was taken to the hospital on Friday with heart problems.  He has been at St. Joseph's for the weekend and they will be doing a catherization (sp) tomorrow.  I would appreciate your prayers for him as our family continues to try to hold together through medical stress!

Today I had bloodwork done...but they don't have the results.  It is day 10 so my counts are all supposed to be at their lowest.  So from now until my next treatment on the 25th I have to concentrate on pumping up my immune system by eating all the right foods and getting some exercise.  I am going to be so much healthier after this is all over.  So far I have lost 32 pounds.  When I go places people look confused because they expect to see me looking very sick and I actually look healthier than I have in a long time.  I attribute that to my sugar being under control.  My wig is so natural it is hard to tell it is a wig if you don't look closely so all in all I am doing good. 

I have had a small amount of bone pain in the night, but I just sleep in on those days and once I am rested I feel fine.  I am starting to feel good enough that I am in danger of overdoing it.  I realize my weakness in this area however, and so does my watchdog husband.  He is very diligent to make sure I am not doing too much.  I feel it when I do...but now instead of being at the moment, I feel it after it is too late to rest.  This next 10 days should be my best time in the cycle.  I plan to work again tomorrow then come home and rest before the football game.  Then we are leaving at half time to head out of town to Charlotte.  We will go part way Friday night then the rest of the way Saturday morning...mainly because Bill thinks it would be too much for me if we go up and back in one day.  He is probably right on that one.  I may not be blogging until I get back so make sure to check in on Sunday.  I am sure I will have lots to say...I am rarely at a loss for words as you all know.   🙂

Also please pray for Bill's dad.  He got his pacemaker today.  All went well but it has just been a tough year for us all and our mortality has been up front and in our faces.  Peace is such a great thing to have in these kind of tough times!  And the prayers of our friends have carried us through...thank you all.

Today I went back to work...of course those of you from work already know that.  It was good to think of something other than doctors and diseases.  Many people couldn't tell I had a wig and when they found out it caused quite a stir as everyone wanted to touch it and tell everyone else to look.  It was funny.  I worked half the day and went home and to church.  By the time I got home tonight I was wiped out and sore...I overdid it. I guess I should have known that but I was feeling so normal and I liked it so I kept going.  Fortunately I will get to sleep in tomorrow before my blood work.   Then off to the hospital to sit with Bill's mom while his dad has pace maker surgery...when it rains it pours.  Both side of our families have had our 3 things each...that means 6 for us.  I hope that means it will be many years before we have more traumas!  I'm off to bed now.

How many chairs will I sit in on this journey of mine?  Today’s was a black leather chair in a hair salon.  The room was small and peach in color.  There were only three chairs and one was at a shampoo bowl. Two of the four walls had mirrors.  There was another chair for mom, who came to cheer me on.  The stylist set to work shaving after asking me if I wanted to watch or not.  No way.  The chair turned away from the mirror as the hair started to fall.  I fought the tears off and just as I thought I would break down I looked in the mirror and was shocked to see my brother staring back at me…at least it looked just like him.  I was so stunned I forgot to cry.  I never realized how much we looked alike until today.  Mom agreed.  Then when they put the wig on it was wavy and mid length and again I looked in the mirror.  This time I saw my sister.  I had no idea how much difference a hair style can make.  If all three of us shaved our heads we would look like triplets!  It was kind of weird and then funny.  It made me laugh and not cry…that was an unexpected surprise on this day of trauma.  Loosing hair was one of the things I most dreaded about this journey but I decided that it didn’t involve needles or pain, so it wasn’t so bad.  I think I braced myself for the emotion of it all and I was able to put that aside…at least until I had to take my wig off in front of Bill.  Then the tears came, but only for a few minutes. 

The kids think my wig looks “different” and “poofy.”  Hannah didn’t want to look when the wig came off.  That reaction was a bit of a surprise to me and I hadn’t really thought about how the kids would feel about a bald mom.  We have talked about it, joked about it and tried to make it a light hearted thing but it is obvious that, Hannah at least, is not taking it light hearted.  That is hard for me but I respect her feelings and know that none of this has been easy for my kids, that fact brings tears to my eyes.  They have been great so far but Hannah particularly holds in her feelings and that makes me worry about her some. They all four have a sensitive side so it is something to watch in the days of getting used to a bald mom. We will get through it together and that is the important thing to remember, that and that hair grows back…   

First I have a praise…or two.  My incision is healed enough to not be too much of a bother.  I can dress as usual with no packing, machines, or tape.  That is big progress that I am very excited about.  My second exciting news is that my job is going to work closely with me so I can work as I feel like it.  This is a major thing that could’ve been a problem as I didn’t have 120 days sick leave saved.  I will be able to work in the office on days I feel good and not have to on other days.  The people I work with are fabulous…you know who you are!  They are so willing to help me out in this way and it is a relief to me to know that I will not have to go without pay because of not working.

Now on to other things…9/11  How can we look back on a day like today and not feel the shock all over again.  Something I wrote that week 5 years ago struck me as appropriate today…

              Steady

     God spoke to my heart, “I am calling to you…let me be your life.  I am near to the brokenhearted that includes, fearful, grieving and angry hearts.  I know every tear, every pain.  Come to me…come to me…breathe…in, out…in out.  I am as close as your breath.”

     There isn’t a word that describes this feeling.  Have you noticed now one can come up with the right word?  Multitudes of words are required.  Writers and singers, not one person has come up with the one word to describe our feelings this day.  Horror, disbelief, shock, anger, fear all of these are our feelings but not one of them stands alone as “the word.”  The closet word I can come up with is ‘violated.’

     Violate-to break, infringe or transgress; to break in upon or disturb rudely; to interfere thoughtlessly with; to break through by force or without right; to rape to treat irreverently or disrespectfully desecrate; profane; to treat with violence.

     Our country has been violated in the worse sense of the word.  An unknown, invisible stranger has forced himself upon us out of no where for no reason.  He violently forced his will upon us- and in the process took what was precious and valuable to us, all the while receiving sick pleasure form our suffering.  We wonder can we ever recover or are we to always replay the event in our minds?  Can we really not fear after what has happened? 

     Our innocence is gone and just like generations before us that saw the horrors of evil in men, so we too must face it.  But we will never be the same.  We will always remember what it feels to be violated.  A new seriousness and soberness has settled on this country in the few days most recently.  A “resolve” as the president calls it.  I think it is also a humbling.  We are not invincible after all.  We are vulnerable just like every other country in the world.  In many ways our country has been like a spoiled child expecting that everything revolves around us.  We’ve been put in our place to some degree.  I believe God is weeping for us to come to him for comfort and peace.  I know, personally, he can use the deep pain of suffering to draw us closer to him.  We have an opportunity to feel what he feels now, more than ever.  When souls are lost he weeps…when they are found he rejoices.  We have witnessed both this week…weeping and cheering.  We are made in his image after all.  The challenge this day is, spiritually, do we know him…I mean really know him or are we just playing games?

     Can worship ever be as sweet as when you have come through a huge crisis?  I don't know of a time that the closeness of God is as precious as it is now that I am being held so closely in his arms.  I can almost feel His breath on my cheek as I sing to Him.  It doesn't matter if it is in church or in my private songs with him, he is near and he is good. 

My time at church today was especially meaningful as we sang about how holds us up against our enemy.  That is the truth and singing it through tears of joy that I have made it this far inspired me.  I have not been left...not that I thought that I had...but it is ringing true this day.  I am not forgotten.  I am feeling almost normal today, except for being a little more tired than usual. 

To stand, and sing with my voice and my arms lifted high to his throne has got to be a taste of heaven on Earth.  I am so grateful that he has allowed freedom in worship.  If I close my eyes and just focus on the words as my prayer to him...nothing else...not cancer...not work...not even children...just focus on Him, it is as if the heavens open and I can feel him surround me.  I dare not open my eyes and spoil the moment...to be transported in my heart to the feet of the one who has saved me, it is not something that I can describe with words.  It is more real than words.  It is more real than cancer.  It is more real than the room I am standing in.  I wish everyone could feel this kind of love.  The pains of life dull in comparision. 

Today was a better day.  I was still sore and my bones ache but not as bad.  I got some good sleep last night so I had enough energy to go to the Gunnin reunion, then to Gainesville with the boys to get haircuts and out to dinner at Red Lobster.  Dinner tasted good so that is progress.  I am not completely great but there is hope that I will be getting better each day now instead of worse.  I went to the park and walked 4 laps so exercise is coming back slowly to help me recover and flush out toxins.  All in all a better day.

I now know what they mean when they say I will feel like I have been hit by a truck.  Yesterday things were pretty okay but in the night last night I started to hurt, in my bones.  I couldn't get comfortable because it felt like my bones were breaking.  Yucky doesn't begin to describe it.  This morning I got up and took medicine and went back to bed.  I was able to sleep some but found later that moving actually feels better than sitting still.  We just kind of hung around the house for most of the day.  Then Peter had a haircut and I went along just to get out.  It helped.  We had dinner, out of the freezer...thanks ladies... and went to Peter's soccer practice.  Getting out seems to distract me from the pain and make it more manageable.  We went for a short walk on the nature trail around the school, across from the soccer field.  That should help me to sleep well tonight...I hope.  I am feeling some better after being active but still slowly moving...because it still hurts.  I am hoping that today is the worst...just like I wished it yesterday. 

Today I feel like I am waiting for the shoe to drop.  I have pain in my joints but then it goes away.  I keep thinking it is supposed to be worse than this and while I don't feel great I don't feel terrible.  I am tired so I have napped.  I ache some so I take extra strength tylenol.  I have acid reflux instead of nausea so I take pepcid.  So far, even though I don't feel normal, the side effects are manageable.  I feel much better this evening than I did this morning but I know I could still have more tomorrow. 

I am trying to rest in the love of God and know that all of you are praying that this will be as painless as possible for me.  I am hanging on to that and hoping that what I have felt so far is the worst it will get. Trying to believe the best while waiting for the worst...sounds like doubt I know but it is where I am right now, knowing that God knows me and is building me up in the midst of this hard thing.  He is so good to me...and so are all of you! 

Infusion is an interesting word.  Webster’s says to infuse means ‘to cause to be permeated with something that alters for the better; to steep; to introduce one thing into another so as to affect it throughout; a pouring in of something that gives new life or significance; introduction of a quality that fills and permeated the whole being.’

  The reason I think this is worth looking at is because of my experience with chemotherapy infusion yesterday.  Chemo doesn’t exactly have a positive connotation to it.  If we are honest, when we hear the word chemotherapy we have the opposite reaction.  It is a negative thing and something to pity for anyone having to go through it.  Having started my treatment, I would agree it isn’t exactly something I look forward to doing again in three weeks.  But the word infusion on the door caught my eye yesterday and from there it worked its way into my mind.  First of all, because I know the word has a positive meaning, but second of all because of what that meaning is.  To permeate…that is serious mixing; mixing something good until it changes your whole being.   It is on a deep level this kind of life altering pouring in.  Of course, in my situation this causes me to view my treatments in a more positive light.  This is going to change my whole being.  My cancer will be gone and my life will have new significance.  Life changing.  Life giving. 

Now you know that I wouldn’t touch this word if I didn’t see a spiritual lesson in it.  I’m sure you can see it too.  When the Lord is infused into our lives it changes our whole being.  It is life changing and life giving.  It is deep mixing of his love into us and it will affect us throughout every area of life.  It changes the way we look at things around us and gives us new ways to think about things like chemotherapy.

I had a dream…more like a thought in between my waking and sleeping.  I saw the Holy Spirit pouring into my veins.  The fire of God was in my arms and legs, flowing throughout my body. He was infusing my blood with life.  He was searching out the darkness of my enemy, cancer, and burning it out of me.  It was an awesome power that had nothing to do with me but everything to do with his nature.  I woke with a new hope. 

Sitting in my chair at the “Infusion suite” yesterday I had a burning sensation when the chemicals went into my blood.  It did not feel good but the picture in my mind came to me fresh and I prayed that the Holy Spirit would burn up the bad cells and infuse me with his life.  It brought his hope into the darkness of the moment.  It gave me reason to hold on and get through the tough parts.  Today I feel okay…not great…but not terrible.  They say tomorrow most likely will be the worst day but I say I have hope.  I can do this.  I can get through it because I have been infused by the fire of the Holy Spirit!