My favorite season is the fall.  The crisp air and the colorful leaves call me out of the house and into nature.  I think of winding mountain roads, antique stores, and roadside stands with the smell of boiled peanuts.  I love to hike to waterfalls with a picnic and to go to fall festivals to stroll through the booths in search of some great deal.  The cooler weather has been wonderful this week as the leaves begin to change here in the mountains.  I find myself excited about the change of seasons.  I have been feeling good, so evening walks are a great outlet…as long as they are on flat ground. 

It has not been lost on me that the leaves are falling at the same time as my hair is falling out.  Somehow, God has a sense of humor even in the seasons of my life.  My hair will fall out in the fall and I will be bare in the winter.  In the spring, my new hair will sprout.  Even in God’s humor, I find myself hopeful because the seasons always change.  I will not be stuck in one season…one always follows the other.  A season of loss will always be followed by a season of growth.  Seasons are linked to one another both in nature and in life.  That in itself is reason to look forward.  I am going to enjoy each season as I press through.  I am not going to let my current exhaustion hold me back from this autumn season.  I will rest when I need to and continue to enjoy the fall even as my hair falls out.  I am committed to allow this cycle of life to cause new growth in my life…and I can’t wait for the spring!

I am feeling pretty good today.  I worked out at curves this morning.  I felt like I had energy and wanted to clean house...but then I got home and didn't do it.  I rested instead.  I went to do a presentation tonight for a masters class at North Ga. with some teachers from our school. It was fun but I am wiped out.  No pain yet!!! That is a good thing.  Right now I am just tired.  I go get my shot tomorrow to up my white count. 

Jessica came to visit during chemo yesterday and she sent me these pictures.  Click on the View from the Chair album in the sidebar.  She is my offical photojournalist...since I would never take pictures of myself!  I haven't had the courage to let her take a bald one yet...why should I since my wig looks so great!  Maybe once I get used to the shiny look I will post one...we will see.

I had a meltdown today.  It seems that my port is difficult to find…just like my veins.  After trying several times it was too inflamed to get it soooooo guess what?  They had to find an IV sight.  It was between my wrist and my hand once they got it…it took awhile but only one collapse then they were in.  The problem was that every time I moved my right hand the tube kinked and the machine hovering over me beeped that I was not getting my full dose.  So I had to keep my right hand immobilized the whole time, meaning that Bill, God bless him, had to help me in the bathroom…it is hard to use only your left hand, you should try it sometime.  On top of all of this my dam broke and I couldn’t stop crying.  I have had enough of this stuff already!  If they could just get it in easily it wouldn’t be so bad but this needle thing is tormenting me…and my fears. 

Once I was all connected and had swallowed the anxiety medicine they put under my tongue I felt much better. 

I saw the doc today and he says I am healing both internally and externally.  That was good to hear.  He worked on my incision some but by now I had benedryl pulsing through my veins so I was a happy, groggy camper.  He also removed a mole from under my armpit because the chemo had made it irritated.  One shot of pain killer and he knifed it right off.  All in all he said my blood looked good and I am healing!!  Good report. The medicines went in today with much less effects.  I was good and groggy but it didn’t burn or tingle like last time. I did have to have an insulin shot…Bill had fun doing it for me. My white count was in the low normal rage and while that is good for this treatment, it will not come up enough by next treatment so I have to go to the hospital Wed. for a shot.  Next week I return to the hospital for a test to find my port…they shoot dye in my body and see how it goes through the port.  They say they may be able to manipulate it while they are watching it…I don’t know about you but that sounds like a double anxiety pill day to me!

My friend Jessica came today to sit with me and visit.  I think I was kind of out of it some of the time but it was nice to attempt a conversation!  She is one of my greatest cheerleaders.  She took some pictures and so I should have some posted soon…with the wig.  Maybe later I will get up my nerve to show you my shiny head…but not today. 

I also had some beautiful music my husband put on a CD for me to listen to.  He has been meaning to record some of his music for years and now I finally have it. (Thanks Heather for pushing him to get it done.)  I slept to that peaceful music as I rested.  It makes me feel like I am home and far away from needles and medicines.  It draws me to the Lord…even in the midst of a difficult day. It was a wonderful blessing.  Now to bed to sleep this day away and start another one tomorrow in the beautiful weather we are having!  One day at a time….

Pray for my kids...two are fighting sinus infections and sore throats.  That could be bad for me if I pick up the germs.  Also I have chemo tomorrow.  I dread it but know that it will be one more behind me.  Dad is better, Bill's dad is better.  That is a relief for all.  Your prayers are being answered daily around here and I love to see how God listens to all of you.  He is faithful to answer you when you ask him on my behalf.  We are grateful for all of our praying friends!

The nature of God is such a huge topic it is overwhelming to try to fathom it.  But I heard a tape recently that has sparked my mind into action.  I am trying to get my mind around the depth of God’s amazing character; after all if I am going to be transformed into the image of Christ I should know what that means exactly.  When I think of his nature, I think of grace, joy, peace, love, righteousness, compassion, goodness and about a million other traits of his that I would like to have.  Some of these areas have been made real to me over the years as I have walked with him through life.  Others I still struggle to comprehend fully. 

The tape I heard talked about how our actions reflect how much of God’s nature we understand.  If we really have an understanding of his grace, forgiving others will come more easily for us.  If we really know his love for us, our insecurity and fear of rejection will not be an issue.  The key is seeing what areas we struggle in…that is the place we need a new revelation of God’s nature and each new circumstance of life is an opportunity to grow in that place.  For example, if you get cancer it is an opportunity to grow in the nature of God’s sovereignty and to gain a revelation of his healing.  It can strengthen the areas you already know of him, like facing the fear with the reality of his love for you.  Knowing his kindness dispels the idea that he is a God that strikes us down with disease. He is good, therefore what he does in my life is also good.  His nature is unending.  His character is immeasurable.  That gives us unlimited opportunities to experience who he is…for now and for eternity. 

I have good news and bad news today...the bad first.  My dad was taken to the hospital again today.  He woke feeling light headed.  He recognized the signs of high blood pressure and took some medicine...nothing.  Thought it might be his heart, so he took some nitro...better.  Went to the hospital for the day.  Eventually they found another blood pressure medicine that got his blood pressure under control.  The heart guy says sometimes after the proceedure he had this week blood pressure spikes a few days after.  Now that he has medicine and is under control he is on his way home...

The good news is that they called today and said my blood work looked fine...no shots!  I get to have treatment as scheduled which keeps me on the schedule to be finished by Christmas.  That is a big relief for me.  I am not exactly looking forward to treatment, but after Monday that is one less treatment I will have to have!  I am moving forward ever so slowly.  I am feeling pretty good...I can finish this race because God is good...more on that later...

My hair is falling out.  My scalp is hurting, kind of like a bad sunburn.  I look like a patch work quilt with alternating hairless areas stuck between the sploches of hair that are 1/4 inch long.  It is quite an interesting look. I was just getting used to having a crew cut and now this. Let's just say I am glad that I have such a great wig!  It is alarming to look down and see eyelashes and eyebrows all over the front of my shirt.  I knew it was coming and overall it hasn't really shaken me but it is kind of sad to see it actually happen in front of my eyes.  I am glad that I had it shaved early because it gave me a chance to get used to it being super short before I became shiny.  I choose see it as part of the process of healing.  When I look at it like that I can get through it...with a smile and a laugh. 

I learned how to give myself insulin shots today.  I didn’t actually have to do it to myself but I did give a shot to a little rubber pad.  The needles are very small…that doesn’t help me too much.  It still has to go into my skin.  Bill learned too just in case I chicken out.  I think I will be able to do this.  I didn’t think I could prick my finger several times a day either but now it is no problem.  The first time will be the worst…after that it will be easier.  The good news is that I will probably only have to do this for a day maybe two.  After that it goes back down.  After all of this treatment I should be able to control my sugar with diet and this is definitely motivation to stick with it.  Tomorrow I have blood work that will show if I have to have more shots or if I can go ahead with my treatment on Monday.  The lab will probably take a day to process.  They are supposed to call me and let me know if I have to go on Monday or not…before we make the drive down.

I discovered my secret place many years ago when Bill was in the hospital.  It is a place that was born out of desperation.  You know, when the only prayer you can utter is “Help!”  It is the place where I give it all up and cry out to God and he, in his faithful way, comes in and carries me.  Like the child in the storm yesterday, I rest in this place.  I am at peace as I listen to the Father’s heart for me.  In this place I hear his voice.  I know his love and grace.   

Over the years I have found that this place isn’t just for traumatic times…though it is especially sweet then.  I can go there whenever I sit and rest in the Lord.  Worship transports me there.  Prayer is another way to find it.  I think that God wants us to sit and wait on him.  He just wants to be with us because his love for us is so great.  If I wait on him, he comes to me.  He lets me lean on his chest and hear his heartbeat of compassion for me, for others, and for the world.  It is amazing that the creator of the universe wants to spend time with me and it is then that I see and hear from him.  It is then that I am quiet and in the silence he speaks.  My secret place is a treasure that was discovered in the midst of a storm.  There were no words.  There was no strength…only tears. I thank God for that storm and the secret place it revealed that I can go to in every storm that has followed...including this one.

After yesterday’s storm what a beautiful day today!  Fall is here and that is my favorite time of the year.  God is so faithful to bring us through the rough stuff.  Today my dad came home from the hospital.  He is doing well and I am glad of that. I worked a full day today.  Tomorrow I get to learn how to give myself insulin shots…yeah! (Chemo makes my blood sugar go up for a couple of days.)  On and on it goes this medical nightmare of mine.  Bill says it is so I will realize that I can do anything.  I figure he’s right.  If I can give myself shots I can do anything, since needles are my most hated enemy!  I know that I will do what I have to because…I have to.  Thursday I have to have more blood work.  If my white count is too low I will have to have more shots…are you getting the theme here???  (Maybe there is a metaphor?)  That could delay my next treatment a week or so.  My prayer is that all my counts are good so I can go in Monday as scheduled for my next treatment...without more shots!

           I sit on my screened porch and listen to the rain pouring down.  I am fascinated by storms.  I don’t know why exactly; maybe it is the flash of the lightening or the crash of the thunder.  Somehow it is comforting me to me to sit and listen to the rain rolling off of the trees while the thunder echoes off the mountains around me, as long as it isn’t too close. When the storm closes in and is right on top of the house…then I am nervous because there is power in the storm.  That power can destroy.  It can be frightening.

Lately, life is like the storm.  It is powerful and right on top of us.  Not just my cancer, but heart related issues in both of our dads, Bill’s mom’s cancer, my mom’s surgery and my grandmother’s death.  Storms of life are powerful and they are frightening.  Gone is the comfort of a lazy rain with distant rumbles of thunder.  The lightening is so frequent there are flashes of darkness immediately followed by what sounds like a bomb that shakes everything.  My desire in the storm is to find a safe place to run and hide, to get away from the noise and the danger.  Yet, here I am, in the storm that doesn’t seem to let up…until I find my refuge in the Lord.  Then, even though the storm rages around me, I am safe.  I run into his arms just as a child runs and climbs under the covers of his parent’s bed in a thunderstorm.  There in the middle of the bed he falls asleep, no longer afraid of the danger. 

The Lord is my refuge and my strength.  He is my strong tower to whom I run because I know the storm won’t last forever.  While it bombards me and my family, he will be our strength.  After the storm, the sun will come out.  There will be clean, fresh air, it will be cool and the sun will seem more brilliant than before.  The green will be greener, and the blue of the sky bluer.  All will be right again…but better.  I am waiting for the rainbow.  It is his promise.

Answered Prayers:

Dad is doing well after having a stint put in today.  He hopes to go home tomorrow.  Bill's dad is doing well after having his pacemaker put in on Thursday.  All of us are hanging on to the strength of God...and the prayers of our friends. 🙂