It is Sunday morning and I am home resting.  When I woke up yesterday I felt sooooo much better.  We did get to go to Berry.  It was a perfect day weather wise and I had a wonderful time.  We went to the Mountain Day Chapel service...I don't think I ever went to it as a student...maybe once.  Anyway, it was good.  We heard the new president a little as he introduced others and he was very down to earth and funny. (Bill ran into him later as he was trying to get in a door...Bill said it would cost 5 dollars...they laughed.  Bill had no idea it was the president.) Then we thought it was time for the psychology reunion...but we were misinformed.  So we went to the picnic.  It was a beautiful day.  We enjoyed it so much.  We saw our favorite professor.  He didn't seem to know us until he saw Hannah then he knew exactly because she looks so much like me at that age.  We were shocked at how well he remembered our personalities...I mean he has had to have thousands of students over the years, I guess we were just memorable :)  We tried to go to the House of Dreams but missed the bus because we were misinformed.  We went to part of the soccer game, the new alumni office and the college bowl reunion. No were weren't in college bowl, but it was being held near the alumni office and Aaron is in high school quiz bowl so he was interested.  They were competeing between different years and that was funny...so we just watched.  Then a friend of ours called and asked us to come see her freshman daughters dorm room in East Mary.  That brought back tons of memories. ..except now they have air conditioning!  We went by my one of my old rooms in West Mary, then back to the pscyhology reunion...we were misinformed again so no reunion.  Do you get the feeling my source of information was bad?  Anyway, we were in a relaxed mood so all of the misinformation wasn't a problem.  It was just good to be out somewhere different.  We went to see the new apartments they have built...they look like hotels...very nice.  Then to get dinner at Schroders.  Then back to the talent show which was sold out.  We didn't want to stay for the 9:00 one so we came on home.  I was exhausted but it was tremedous fun.  I think Hannah and Aaron loved it.  Hannah is sure she wants to go there and Aaron is sure he does not. 

This morning I slept in :)   And now I am sitting in my chair, back to doing nothing...as the doctor ordered.  I feel okay besides the medicine messing with my stomach.  My sores are trying to heal but painful as they rupture over and over to drain.  Yuck, I know.  That is the nicest way I could think to put it.  I think a day or two more and I will be healed up.  At least if I had to get an infection it is on the upswing of my chemo cycle.  My counts are supposed to be going up during this time so we will see.  I don't know if this will effect my schedule yet or not.  I think it all depends on how well I heal up.  Thanks for your prayers to that effect.   

Hello all my dear friends.  I am feeling some better today, though the antibiotics are making me nauseous.  I don't feel as sick from the infection and the welps appear to be trying to heal up.  I haven't done anything all day because I didn't feel like it.  I was very weak this morning so I just rested.  After lunch I began to perk up some and had a little more energy.  Tonight we went out to dinner with some friends and it was very relaxing.  It is good to get out when you are sitting around all day...I have found that to be true when I have chemo as well.  The trick is in knowing the balance of home and out time.  We are getting better at it...and Bill is ever the watchdog making sure I don't overdo it.

We are going to attempt to go to Berry tomorrow (Sat.) for the day.  I figure sitting in the car isn't that much different from sitting in my chair.  It will be a fun day.  We may not get to stay very long if I get too tired but we will get to see former classmates and professors.  Hannah and Aaron will get a taste of Berryland.  I probably won't write tomorrow but you can check in on Sunday to hear all about the trip.

I have an infection…possibly staph or strep, not sure…the doc didn’t want to cut me open to do a culture, and I am very appreciative of that fact.  There was some talk of IV antibiotics, but after talking with my chemo doctors all agreed to some very strong oral antibiotics that cover almost any germ that could be in my system.  My blood work showed low white, red and platelets.  That is expected since I am a chemo patient.  I am hurting, but have some pain medicine as well so I should be feeling much better in 24 hours.  Being sick stinks.  That is all there is to it.  I am looking at the bright side…at least they didn’t do IV antibiotics!!  That would have been very bad.

We were supposed to go to Berry this weekend for Mountain Day…like homecoming for our college.  Hannah wants to go to there so we were taking this opportunity to take her for a fun weekend…oh well.  If I feel better by Saturday, we may go over for the day.  At least they found out what the problem was and it did not get too far before we got medicine….looking at the bright side.    

I am having some complications that are making my life fairly miserable at the moment.  I have knots and some swelling...at first I thought it was an infected hair folical (just below my incision) but now it is very painful and warm compresses haven't helped at all.  It hurts to wear clothes so I am going to my regular gyno tomorrow to have her check it since I have to go have blood work anyway.  I am tired of unexplained problems.  I want to feel well again. I am just tired...tired of tests and medicine...tired. 

Thanks so much for the prayers during my test today.  As is true most of the time, the fear of the test was much worse than the test itself.  I did not loose it or meltdown today and I attribute that to your prayers. 

We waited in line to register, then waited in line at the radiology dept.  Finally they took us back and I was fairly calm...on the outside at least.  Then the doc came in and explained the proceedure to us.  He said there was no need for an IV.  The last time I had a dye test it had to be administered by IV so I assumed that would be true here as well...I was wrong!!  What a relief. They told me how they were going to access my port using an floriscope.  That means they are watching on a screen as they access it so they don't miss!  That sounded doable to me so I was able to relax a little. 

He went through all of the possible problems they would be looking for including, a kink, a crack, that is was turned around, that my body had rejected it, that it had come out of my vein, etc...  Some of these things could be fixed while they were working but some would mean taking out the port and putting in a new one.  I tried to think positive thoughts.  Then they were ready to take me and told me that Bill couldn't go with me!  I asked please, please to no avail. 

So I was put on a table with a big machine hanging over me.  They lined everything up and told me to hold my breath...ouch it hurt while it was going in.  But once is was in they were able to do everything quickly.  They said it had old blood in it...that is cause for infection so it was a good thing we had this procedure done before it got infected.  That was from last chemo when they thought they had it then it popped out and they had to try again.  They never were able to get it so therefore they didn't get to flush it out as normal. 

The next thing they told me was that it was functioning properly and that it wasn't kinked, turned or otherwise broken.  It was still attached.  The only thing was that it is slightly tilted but that should not be a problem now that we know which way it is tilted.  It is also deep because it is in soft tissue (that is a nice way to say fat)  That means it has settled in deeper than they originally put it.  That is easily fixed...by using a long needle!  Yes that is what they said, if the needle is longer it can get deep enough to access it.  So the good news it no problem with the port.  The bad news is that the needle will have to go deeper.

The doc called my chemo nurse and told her exactly how to do it next time... that will be the true test.

At 8:45 I will be having a dye test to find out what is going on with my port.  My request is for prayer.  Medical tests aren't my favorite thing, as you all know.  My emotions are as much of the problem as the test itself.  I plan to have my anxiety medicine before I go but as usual the fear of the unknown is the worst part.  Bill is going to be with me...my rock.  I will fill you all in once we know something.  Thanks for covering me...and Bill.

I heard a message on God’s grace today.  It was good, as are all messages on grace.  It is such a deep, simple concept…one of the awesome dichotomies that is God.  No matter how much you learn about it, there is always more and yet, it is the same as the first time you heard it.  Only God is able to be so rich in understanding. 

You see, when I learned about grace, I was a child.  It is, after all that simple.  Then as God began to get a hold of my heart in my relationship with him, he began to unravel this great mystery.  I think that every person has one or two truths about God that he teaches him or her in depth.  You might call it a life lesson.  Some people have a deep understanding of the kindness of God.  For others it might be the wisdom, or his righteousness.  Of course, he is always teaching us, through every event and circumstance in life. 

Grace is one of my life lessons. I learned it through wounding people with the superior attitudes of youth.  I could write a book about my many lessons in the amazing grace of God for his children.  You see, grace only begins at salvation.  That is the first lesson of grace, but once you are “in him”, the lessons continue because his goal is for you to be like Christ.  The idea that Christ died for my judgmental heart is indeed an amazing thing.  I can easily see his grace for a sinner that does not know any better than to sin.  I can accept that for my own heart, but for him to continually extend grace for my ongoing attitudes, when I know his heart on a matter but choose to ignore it…well that is unbelievable to me.  I think for many of us it is hard to grasp this fact and that is why it is so easy to work to perform for him.  It saves us the pain of allowing him to pour out his blood for our ugliness.  In that place, all we can do is stand in his presence.  It is uncomfortable to know that he knows our secret motives.  It is embarrassing to know that he sees deeply into our hearts and still loves us.  It is humiliating to have his gaze upon the blackness of your heart only to have him wipe that same blackness away in the blink of an eye.  In my mind, I never deserve such treatment and yet that is the power of his Grace.

Today’s scripture reference was Ephesians 2: 4-10.  The points were all P’s, progression, position, presentation, primacy, and proof. All of these P’s, of course, are true and align well with the scripture at hand.  There was one P however, that I wanted to add…Power, because without the power we would all be forever lost.

  It is the power of grace that allows a son to return to his fathers waiting open arms.  Grace is the reason that husbands and wives commit to stay together when times are tough. It is the power of grace that allows a father to ask his children’s forgiveness for wrongs committed. Grace is the force that allows families to be reconciled after divisions.  It is the power of grace that allows an alcoholic to experience freedom.  Mothers experience grace’s power while waiting for wayward children to return home. Grace is the power behind overcoming tragedy.  It is the power of grace that allows you to look cancer in the face and overcome.  For me, life is about the power of grace.  They are synonymous.  Every day there is a lesson of grace to learn…and it is amazing.

I am doing okay today.  I have slept alot and shopped a little with the boys...we only have shorts so since it is getting cold lately it was time to shop.  I don't feel great and I am still a little achey but overall I am able to get around.  It does seem to be taking a bit longer to bounce back this time but a little longer for my bad day to start.  So it is not much worse than last time only a little longer.  In some ways it isn't as bad...the symptoms are not as pronounced other than the achey feeling.  The shot also added to that so that may be why it is lasting a bit longer.  I had a massage yesterday so I do feel more relaxed and less tense.  That is a good thing. 

I live at the foot of a mountain and I love it.  I bask in the views all around me each day as I go to work or play.  I love to watch the mist rise in the morning casting shadows and rainbows across the ridges and valleys.  It is a wonderful place.  Somehow, it calls my attention to God in a way that I cannot describe. I think it is the steadfastness of the mountains that makes me feel the awesome power that Moses must have felt as he climbed to seek God face to face. 

The weather today was so gorgeous that I was drawn to nature again.  So many times the Lord speaks to me through the beauty of creation.  The leaves are just starting to turn on the mountain and that gives off a slightly orange hue as the sun shines down on the trees.  The sky is a crisp clear blue with wispy white clouds that move slowly across the blue expanse.  I am struck by how the mountain, though it changes, is always there.  It does not move. It is solid and steadfast.  If my life is turned upside down, the mountain is there.  It towers over me reminding me that God is immovable.  He does not change or blow away with the wind.  When I take the beauty around me for granted, God is faithful to remain visible to me…in the mountain. 

Today is a yucky day.  I don't feel very good but I want to do things that need to be done.  I don't have the energy to do them...so I don't...I just look at all I would like to do and wish the energy was there.  I don't feel like eating but I have to.  It is soup mostly and these really good smoothies made with cottage cheese and berries.  I slept until10:30 and showered only to be tired again.  I am sore and have a headache.  I take tylenol for both problems...and maybe a nap?  I think the soreness was worse this morning than now so maybe it is lifting already.  I can walk and talk and sit and rest...but beyond that I am not up to much.  Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.