Last weekend I ran away from life…not far, just to mom’s house.  I think the infection was just the last straw in an already emotionally draining time. Everything is catching up with me and when you look at it, I have been through a tremendous amount in a very short time.  Has it really only been 4 months since this all started?  It feels like a lifetime.  I have four children so I am always tired, but now the required energy is hard to come by.  I feel like I should be able to do the things I always do but cannot.  That is extremely frustrating to me.

 The problem is I have always been a plate spinner.  You know, the guys at the fair that spin plates on the tops of sticks.  They can add more and more plates and amazingly keep all of them spinning at the same time.  Just when one appears to be dangling and ready to plunge to the ground the plate spinner gets there in the nick of time.

 I think all moms feel like plate spinners (or maybe jugglers), trying to keep life going without dropping anything.  It is a hard task to be sure, but I am in that stage of life…and I am good at it.  I can spin many plates at the same time…without breaking a sweat…until now.  Now, my plates are dropping like flies.  They crash to the ground and shatter.  Last weekend, I dropped my kids.  The emotions of puberty clashed with the hormones of menopause and another plate crashed.  It was a painful crash for me because of the words spoken between mother and son.  It was over as quickly as it started and life goes on, but on top of all the physical difficulties, it was overwhelming.  I think every family has a steam valve that blows when the pressure is on.  William is our valve. Fortunately, my family plate will not shatter no matter how many times it falls.  That is a relief on days like last weekend. Just pick it up and spin it again. (By the way, this weekend is better.)

Other than that, I am down to two plates, work and chemo.  Work is going well because I can do it as I feel like it.  Chemo is not a choice.  So as I give up my plate spinning days I find that life is at a slower pace now.  The important things are important and the unimportant are gone.  That is not a bad thing.  “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” no matter if that is spinning plates or watching them fall.

I had blood work done today.  I won't know the results until tomorrow but hopefully all will go according to plan and Monday I will be halfway through!!  I use each treatment as a countdown to being finished.  Each day is one day less that I will have treatments.  One day closer to the end of the journey...or at least this part, for all of life is a journey.  I am clinging to the Lord and his goodness.  I know that he will lead me through and hold me close in the process.  I may not understand all the whys of this circumstance but I know the God who does.  That will be enough even if he never reveals any other thing to me. 

Working has helped me so much.  I am busy when I am there and I feel like I am contributing to my school in ways that I can't when I am doing my regular job.  It was a good day today.  I think the extra week is giving me a longer up time which is nice. My infection is almost gone and the medicine is not near as bad as the last round.  Over all I am looking at the bright side and trying to move forward instead of standing still feeling sorry for myself.  I have encouragement from my friends and Frank's link on yesterdays comment was a powerful short film that brought tears to my eyes. (Thanks Frank)  It is just like God to send me just the words I need when I need them.

I have found that there are different levels of flexibility.  I know that is kind of obvious but in this journey of mine it is a surprise to me.  I thought that I was a flexible person and most of my friends will tell you that I am.  Especially at work, I have to be flexible to do the job that I do.  Then cancer happened.  I found myself sitting in a chair barely able to lift my head on my own without terrible pain.  That was a shock to my imagined flexibility.  I wrestled with it some but was too exhausted to fight, so I just sat and rested.  A good thing to do. 

Then chemo started.  I scheduled my days to rest.  That one word, 'scheduled' tells you what I thought my level of control was.  Like I could determine which days I would feel bad or good…right.  I quickly found that my days are not as predictable as I had hoped.  Still, I have adjusted and just learned to go with each day as I can…so I thought.

Now there is an infection.  Every trip to the doctor brings a different surprise…a culture, a blood test, a trip to the hospital or lab.  I never know what will happen when I go.  I think this last thing kind of put me over the edge for a few days.  All is not well for me when I do not know what is coming.  It’s the unknown fears that rise up, how long will this infection take to heal?  Will it heal?  Will I be sick forever?  Those irrational fears are the ones that come in once the rational ones have had their say first.  All of this is very draining because my mind will not shut off.  Then my menopausal emotions kick in and blow everything out of proportion.  It is a cycle I am seeing.  A cycle I cannot seem to control.  It is embarrassing to go to the doctor and blubber like a child.  If I am strong I can get through most medical things, but I am not strong now.  I am a frightened child again.  So the illusion of control has been broken once again.  I cannot do it alone.  I have to depend on God and those of you he uses to hold me up.  It is a comfort to know there are many of you.  I am impatient with this journey and am ready to be well.  I want to be left alone by the medical people that poke and prod.  But instead I will yield…to them and to God. 

I see many of you have checked in today to see about me...I think I am going back to blogging in the evenings...it is easier for me. 

I ran away from home on Saturday...not really, I just was overwhelmed and needed a change of scenery so I went to moms. We had a good visit and a great meal at the Dillard house.  Sunday was another emotional day...I think my patches aren't lasting as long as they are supposed to.  I am tired of being sick and these days that is enough to set me to crying.  My Sunday school class prayed for me and that was a sweet reminder that I am not alone and am being held up in prayer on my weakest days.

Today I went to the doctor and got a good report.  My infection is clearing well.  The culture I endured last week came back and there wasn't enough infection left to grow because I had already been on antibiotics to kill the germs.  That means that the rest of these medicines I am on now are making sure it will be gone even sooner.  My red count is up so my energy is better as well.  This all insures that I will have chemo next Monday.  That is a good thing I think.  I am some better...I changed my patch early :)  I also got a new perscription today for a new one...menopause in the middle of chemo and infections is no picnic!

It is too pretty a day to sit inside and write a blog....I'm going for a ride through the mountains to see my parents.

Have a great day!

So yesterday I was feeling good...then I went to the doctor and found out my infection is still in full swing.  I feel better but the sores are still needing to drain more.  I knew they weren't well totally but I figured they were so much better that it wouldn't be much of an issue.  Wrong!  My chemo has been canceled because of it!  I now have a new doctor...and infectious disease specialist!  After some discussion (and tears) about IV antibiotics they gave me two new oral antibiotics.  They have the same side effects as the ones last week.  YUCK!  So far they are not as bad but still...it is hard when I have to keep my blood sugar balanced and I can only eat three bites before I feel like throwing up. 

Let me honest...have I ever not been with you??...I am asking God Why?  Is it not enough to go through all I have been through?  Surgery, cancer, chemo, incision opening, IV troubles...now infection too? My schedule is off and will be the rest of the time.  I have to wait on chemo until this is completely gone, how ever long that takes.  They hope only one week...but that all depends.  I don't get it, and at this point I don't even want to understand...I just want it all to be over.  I don't ultimately think the why is important but right now it is up front.  I will let you know what God says if he answers this question for me! 🙂

I think that the dates are off on my blog somehow.  I am going to start posting in the morning instead of at night.  Maybe that will straighten out the date problem.  Today, which is Thursday, I am going to be going back to the doctor for her to check my infection.  I finished my antibiotics yesterday and by 4:00 had an appetite again.  So I am feeling pretty good today.  After the doctor and bloodwork I am getting a massage...then back to work to help interview a new position we have open.  My energy has returned so I am hoping that means my blood counts are up....we will see.

My infection is improving.  The antibiotics are making me sicker than the chemo.  I am nauseous and have lost my appetite but other than that...I am feeling better.  I did go to work today and had a pretty good day.  I visited with Bill's aunts in town for a few days.  We had dinner and birthday cake (sugar free) for his aunt.  It was a good evening.  I am tired but am feeling better.  I will sleep good tonight.

            I have been thinking about the plagues of Egypt...particularly the boils.  I have a new sympathy for the Egyptians.  I have always read the plagues as if they were some story but not a reality.  I mean, I know they were real but to really think about being covered in festering boils…yikes!  In Exodus 9:8-12 it tells the story of Moses tossing soot in the air in the presence of Pharaoh.  It becomes dust over the whole land and the men and animals break out in festering boils.  I don’t know about you, but I think this plague would have changed Pharaoh’s mind…I mean boils hurt…badly.  To be covered in them would be unbearable. 

 I contemplate the part that says the Lord hardened Pharaoh’s heart.  He did that after every plague.  That doesn’t make sense to my mind.  Why would God send Moses, bring plagues, and then harden the heart of Pharaoh?  I think that it is a symbol.  After all, this is the precursor to Passover…when the blood of the Lamb protects the children of Israel from the angel of death. It is the ultimate symbol of Christ.   Pharaoh hardens his heart just as people do.  No matter what comes many, do not bow to God.  It is only in the desperate moment when his own son is lost that Pharaoh relents…and then only temporarily.  How many times has God spoken to us through pain and strange circumstances only to have us ignore him?  How many times have we refused the blood of the Lamb and suffered because of it?  The story of the boils hits home.  It causes me to examine my heart and seek his face.  I do not dare to ignore the blood of the Lamb provided for me.  I do not want God to have to use boils, symbolically or otherwise, to get my attention.  I do not want my heart to be hardened because of pride and stubbornness.  I want to be covered by the blood of the Lamb.  What about you?