I know that I talk about nature alot...mountains, leaves, oceans etc...  I just can't help it.  I am inspired by it. I truly believe that God is everywhere if we will just open our eyes and look around. 

This weekend we went to the Georgia Aquarium and I am again amazed by God's creation.  Thousands of fish...some crazy looking creatures were there.  Huge whale sharks that cannot swallow anything bigger than a quarter, little paranas that will eat a ton of meat in seconds.  God is soooooo creative.  I know that, but really...a fish that can change from male to female, a male seahorse that carries the babies, a jelly fish that glows in the dark???  What was God thinking?  How could he come up with this stuff? 

I guess he is the creator so that would make him the most creative artist.  Mind-blowing creative.  It says in the Bible that all creation testifies to his glory.  I would have to agree.  All creation worships him when congress will not.  All creation worships him when the president will not.  All creation worships him when the human world denies him.  All creation worships him when I will not.   He is so much bigger than the politics and world opinion and me.  He is bigger than a whale shark...bigger than an ocean of whale sharks!  Yet he knows each creature of the sea and each sparrow...each person...including me and you.  WOW!  That is hard to get my brain around.  He created this world for our pleasure and for his.  Open your eyes and you will see him all around you.

We won!  White County won their last game tonight.  That makes three for the year.  It was even exciting...final score 10 to 13.  The band sounded great too.  It was a fun season but I am glad it is over.  No more band practice...however, if anyone wants to buy some oranges we are selling! Tomorrow we have a soccer game, wrestling match and we are going to the Georgia Aquarium.  I am living it up before Monday...

Risk is another word for faith.  To step out into something that is unknown takes faith because it is a risk.  That is the word the Lord is speaking to me lately…risk.  I find it odd that he would choose this particular time in my life to tell me to take a risk.  Right now, everything in me wants to choose the comfortable way of familiarity.  I need stability and yet everywhere I turn I am hearing the word risk.  Step out.  Live fully. 

The latest place I hear this call to take a risk is the book I am reading…The Cost Of Discipleship by Bonhoeffer.  (The last time I tried to read the book it was so far over my head I never finished it. I thought that maybe I could relate to it better now that cancer has so rudely interrupted my life. And I have found why it is a classic.)

The passage that has my attention at the moment is Luke 9:57-62.  Bonhoeffer discusses the three disciples in the passage, each with his own agenda that blocks him from following the call of Jesus to follow.  I would love to go into the details but I will save that for another time…maybe my book.  The point he makes is that “faith can no longer mean sitting still and waiting-they (those wishing to be disciples) must rise and follow him.  They must burn their boats and plunge into absolute insecurity in order to learn the demand and gift of Christ… A situation must be created, in which it is possible to believe on Jesus as God incarnate; that is the impossible situation in which everything is staked solely on the word of Jesus.” 

That is risking it.  At least that is how I interpret it. An impossible situation creates faith; having the faith to stand on his word alone.  That applies to all of life.  Standing on the word that he is for me not against me in the impossible situation of cancer.  It is stepping out of the comfort zone of life to the call before me…writing a book, taking a chance.  It is not about me, it is about his call to me and my response to it…taking a risk.

I think that I am still having cycles even though I don't have the parts.  My emotions seem quite near the surface.  I am easily frustrated and feel like PMS...only I know that can't really be.  Tomorrow I have a massage.  That should help with the intensity.  Can anyone out there with a hysterectomy tell me if this is normal?  My patch has seemed to be working up until now.  When I go for chemo on Monday I have a doctors appointment too...I am going to ask.

I am a bit on edge tonight.  Somehow, when they poke and stick me, it is hard but when they have to do it to one of my kids, it is harder.  William will have surgery December 18^th.  It is the same one Peter had a few years ago (adenoids and sinuses)…and it has made a huge difference for him.  I am hopeful that it will for William as well. 

Today when I took him to the surgeon, I had a hard time.  I was not expecting it all to hit me at that moment, but it did.  I was trying to schedule pre-op, a CT scan, and two surgeries (it is a two-part procedure) all around my chemo schedule and it all came down around me.  I fought it off for the sake of William, who tends to be as fearful as I am when it comes to doctors. However, inside I was on the edge of a big melt down.  I think the doctors office, the procedures, and the complicated way that life is these days just got to me.  I feel fine, but emotionally I am having hard time today.  I can still feel my emotions churning just below the surface, even after the tears I finally shed when I got home.  Hormones maybe?  Could be…but it is more likely the result of a very long 5 months.

William woke up sick today.  He has a bad cough that comes from his clogged sinuses.  Bill took him to the doctor and they want to consider surgery...he had major problems last winter and we almost did the surgery then.  We are going to have to look into it between chemo visits. 

Last years CT scan showed that he needs it but when we went to the surgeon he didn't have any symptoms so we put it off.  Now the allergist says this is starting just like it did last winter.  What to do?  We have been through so much I was hoping to be uneventful from now on...but then again, while I am at home would be a good time because once I go back to work I won't have any days to miss without loosing pay.  We will see what the surgeon says. 

I had a dream…really more of a nightmare.  It sounds silly now but it was scary at the time.  A man standing at the foot of my bed, then after I pushed him out of the house he was trying to get back in the house…the silly part is that he was trying to sell cookie dough as a fundraiser.  (I guess I have been a teacher too long!)  Anyway, the overall theme of the dream was that I was screaming for help and never got any.  Knowing this man was trying to get to me and not being able to stop him was terrifying.  Another similar dream followed the first. 

I guess I am feeling a little more out of control than I realize.  I was thinking that lately I have been on an upswing, feeling pretty good about how things are going.  My physical side effects are manageable and my bigger issues of incision and infection are better.  The dreams made me realize that cancer can steal your peace of mind.  Even when all is progressing along somewhere in the back of my mind I still have some fears buried.

 I guess we all do.  I do not think we can really ever be totally fear free when it comes to life and death issues.  I can be at peace knowing God is in control while still having very human feelings of fear.  I think Jesus proved that in the garden.  Facing the fears is hard.  It would be much easier to pretend I am so full of faith that I have no fear…but that would be a lie.  Life is not guaranteed, it’s that simple.  If I focus on that fact, fear will rule.  I choose instead to focus on other guarantees…

God is good all the time.

He loves me deeply.

He has plans for my future…not to harm me.

He wants what is best for me.

He is in control…not me…or the cookie salesman!

While the dream was scary it was only a dream.  I woke up shaken but not defeated.  Today I have felt fine and am not conscious of any fearful feelings…I am doing well.  Mentally and emotionally I feel strong right now.  I think the key is to focus on the things I know to be true and to put away anything that tries to steal that peace from me.

I called today and left a message for my chemo nurse about my red spots.  She hasn't called back...I told her to call me if I needed to be concerned.  The spots are still there but appear to be fading away so I don't think it is a big deal.  I am sure that if there is something I am supposed to watch for the nurse will call me.  Other than that I am feeling good. I worked today and am tired but that is my usual state these days. 

We have an early soccer game tomorrow 9:00 can you say brrrrrrr.  I don't know if I am going because it will probably be in the 20's.  Hannah takes the SAT in the morning, but won't get home from the football game until late tonight.  I hope she can stay awake for the whole thing.  This is her first time and I have told her to think of it as a practice...so maybe she won't be so nervous. 

I am going to go to bed soon so I can refresh my batteries!  By the way my leaves already dried up.  I went out this morning to the garage and they were crunchy already!  Oh well, they were beautiful while they lasted.

Today was an easy day.  I did some errands and had bloodwork done.  Bill and I went up Richard Russell Parkway and looked at leaves for about 30 minutes or so.  They are so beautiful this year!  Vivid yellows and reds that just glow with the sunshine.  The sky was so blue that it made the leaves stand out even more.  We even picked some.  They are part yellow with red spots, and yellow with green spots, and red with yellow veins.  It is a bouquet of leaves...now to figure out what to do with them.  Then I had a massage and a nap.   After dinner, while Peter was at soccer practice I went to Curves to work out.  I was the only one there.  It was a very productive day. 

I have a couple of little red spots on my arm that look like bruises but not really...kind of like red birthmarks.  It isn't from the needle today because it is in a different part of my arm and I didn't notice them until tonight.  One of the things they say to watch for is red places because when platelets are low, bleeding is common.  I am going to call tomorrow to see if I need to be concerned.  At this point they don't appear to be getting bigger and I feel fine...sooo we will see.  I am thinking maybe the tape from the bloodwork caused it when I pulled it off???  I will call tomorrow.

I heard a message at church tonight that has me thinking.  It was based on the parable of the talents…the one where the boss gives three different guys money to keep for him. Two guys invest in different ways and add to the bosses money. One man is afraid and he buries his.  The boss is mad at his lack of care with the money.  I always have thought that it was weird for God to be mad because the guy didn’t make money. Isn’t money the root of all evil.  It seems right to me, maybe even a good steward for him to be safe.  But the point tonight was that it isn’t really the amount of money that makes him angry, but rather the man’s fear of risking himself.  He did not put himself out there; he took the easy and comfortable way.  This is such a great point.  God wants us to live with abandon risking our comfort by stepping out there for him. He asks us to do one thing only…follow me.  All else will come into focus if we do that one thing with abandon.

 Complacency is our enemy.  We are continually leaving our weaknesses and sins at the cross.  That is needed but we also need to bring our strengths.  To give ourselves fully…every part.  To give only part of myself is neither hot nor cold.  It makes God sick to see all that he has given us and we are halfhearted in our pursuit of him.  It goes back to being grateful and living life to the fullest.  Knowing that as you give your all in an area, he is smiling because he gave his all for you.  Watching you succeed, or failing in a valiant effort, brings pleasure to him because of your abandonment.  It is like a child that is fully caught up in some worthy goal; a baby begins to walk, or a child tries a new sport, or wins a contest of some skill. The effort is noble.  It is that kind of abandonment that pleases God.  Each individual has some thing that urges them to live fully.  One thing.  One gift or talent to push to the limit as part of the pursuit of God. (Like maybe writing a book) It is risky. It requires courage and trust.  It requires you to rely on God as you step out and take a risk…and it makes him smile. J