Today was a good day. My bloodwork came back and I get to have chemo on Monday.  I never thought I would cheer for that but I am.  All is a go...then only one more to the finish line for this part of the journey.  My platelets were up and my white count down(but not too far down).  The human body is amazing how it functions.  The amount of difference in my blood counts in one weeks time is incredible.  I know that prayers have certainly helped.  God is very faithful to answer all of you!  Another good thing is that my cold has remained just a cold...though it has moved from my head to my chest.  I still feel fine even though I have a slight cough.  I am using all vitamins and herbal remedies to head it off.  They say it will not prevent my treatment unless I get a fever.  I slept in this morning and then we went to Athens to watch William at a band festival.  We got home late but plan to sleep in tomorrow...then decorate the Christmas tree all together.

One thing about live drama is that it is a challenge. (so they tell me)  To get all the pieces to come together just right is hard work.  When it happens it is satisfying and exciting.  Each night of a production no one knows what will go right and what will go wrong, that is the fun of it.  If something goes wrong how quickly can it be corrected, how fast can the actors think on their feet and make it appear seamless?  I think that is why my family enjoys drama so much…it is a high for them to be a part of something bigger than themselves.

The last night of the Christmas production this year (the night I stayed home) Jesus fell off the cross.  It was not his fault, there was a mix up with the hammer that helps remove the nails.  The guards had to continue without the proper tools and Jesus was left to fend for himself.  From what I hear, it was a quick fall and the play got back on track quickly.  However, at the cast party it was mentioned numerous times…it was funny.  The actor playing Jesus was a good sport, knowing that he will never live it down, even if it was not his fault.  He has been crucified 21 times over the years, but this is the only one that was ever messed up.  I think that is a pretty good record.

Of course, this got me thinking. (you know how I am)  How many times do we let Jesus fall off his cross?  How many times do we think that we can perform our way into his love without his sacrifice?  We cheapen his gift of Grace when we think we can earn his favor. If we could do it on our own, the crucifixion would not be necessary.  We are strongest when we know our weakness. Without his blood, we are nothing…period.  It is easy to blame him when something goes wrong.  He will graciously let us point our fingers at him, all the while knowing that it is our mistake. What is the lesson of this fall?   His grace is truly amazing.

We went to the cast party tonight.  We had a comedian and it felt good to laugh.  Laughter has to be one of God's greatest gifts.  It soothes and heals.  I needed a night of good hard laughter.

I seem to be getting a bit of a head cold.  My throat is scratchy and my eyes are watering.  It feels like when the pollen is out in the spring...so it may be allergies.  Either way I am trying to rest so I don't have to delay chemo again.  I plan to turn in early tonight.  I didn't go the the last performance at church so that I could go to bed.   

Attitude is everything.  When things do not go your way there are many ways you can handle it.  I was reminded of that last night at the production.  I have a friend who struggles with a terrible disease called ALS that steals your body functions one at a time.  We are blog buddies, but last night we got to see each other face to face.  Talking to him reminded me that God knows every detail of our lives …even where we sit at a concert or a play.  In addition, God loves us so much that he orders even the smallest details for our pleasure.  He sends friends (that will feed us cheesecake when we cannot feed ourselves), he allows us to meet people we never would have meet otherwise.  My friend also told me of how God has allowed him to affect others through his disease.  He has had so much more impact than if he had not gotten sick.  What the enemy meant for evil, God has transformed into good.  That strength of spirit is a testimony to the grace of God, even as my friend's body is wasting away.  What courage and faith that shows in his personal relationship with a loving, caring God whom he knows deeply.  Through all the difficulties, God proves faithful.  I needed that lesson.  Even in the chemo delays, he is with me and he cares about the little details…like seeing a friend at just the right time.  Thanks Frank. God blesses others, like me, through you.  I am glad you are my blog buddy, I'd be honored to feed you cheesecake anytime. ;)

It is production week...those of you that have done a production know what that is like.  It is busy, especially when the kids still have school all day, then practices, then production.  It is crazy around here!  I am feeling good most of the time.  I get tired easily, but I think that may be the schedule I keep.  I have been trying to rest some during the days so I can go watch my multi-talented family each night.  I love to watch.  It is always such a treat for me.  It is probably good that I didn't have chemo today.  I will get to do what I love. 

Life is complicated. The ebb and flow of day-to-day living and all the details can become overwhelming even if you are healthy.  Cancer makes it even more complicated.  Blood counts, medications, doctors in mass are all trying to coordinate your body to accomplish a worthy goal…life.  The problem is that sometimes the body does not cooperate.  Mine seems to be particularly prone to doing its own thing.  The delay in my treatment was a blow to me emotionally.  I compare it to getting psyched up about a big game or some momentous event and then having the rug pulled out from under you.  It is a let down.  Chemo is no fun.  I don’t like it but it is reality for me right now so I get my head into it.  I start set my face as flint for this battle and put on determination to face the foe in full armor.  When I am ready to go and they say no it is very frustrating and the light at the end of this long tunnel seems further away.  I know the problem.  I got ahead of myself.  I began to plan life four weeks from now.  Cancer doesn’t allow that luxury.  It is a one day at a time disease.

It is okay now because God is a one day at a time God.  He is in the now…a lesson he has been teaching me lately.  I forget.  I jump ahead.  I like order and schedule.  God made me that way I suppose, but now he is teaching me another lesson.  I have only one day and that is today.  I am not guaranteed another.  You are not either.  So how do I live this one?  Fretting, saddened, upset?  Or do I move on and live fully this day that I have?  I have to be reminded.  This part of God is hard for me.  Living totally dependent on him EVERY day is not the great American way.  However, this is the season I am in now, learning to be completely dependent on him even in the setbacks…knowing he has a purpose and a plan for all of this.  He will use it for his glory even when I am not feeling glorious.  Thanks to all of those that reminded me of this truth as I wrestled with my cancer-complicated life.  

I just found out my chemo has been delayed because my platelets are low.  I am tired and upset.  It is hard to delay when I am so close.  I am trying to look on the bright side...Christmas should be great without having chemo the next day, I will feel stronger next week, etc...  But right now it is fresh and it stinks.  I will get over it and move on but this puts going back to work off another week.  My prayer is that they won't get so low that I have to have a transfusion, that delays everything 3 weeks.  So far they aren't that low....Thank God for that.

For those of you that do not know, our church has a huge Christmas/Passion Play production each year. It is a dinner theatre and it is a big deal. All of my right brained family is in it except me. (I am the driver.)  Last night, we had a costume rehearsal.   This year’s production is very different from previous years except for the crucifixion and resurrection scenes. I have seen these two scenes for the past 10 years so I am very familiar with them. They touch my heart each year but usually at rehearsal, it is less intense because it is more about getting everyone in the right place etc… 

Last night Jesus was in blue jeans and a t-shirt. (They save the loin cloth and blood for the actual production 🙂  All the guards were in costume and all were acting, as they crucified him.  It was funny at first to see Jesus in blue jeans but then as I watched it became powerful. Somehow, the age-old event was transported to the present.  As the spot light was on him hanging there, the sacrifice he made became more real to my everyday, blue jean life. 

Agony and pain translate well to my current circumstance, even though I am aware his was much greater than anything I am going through.  To see him there, reminded me of the great lengths he went to then, in order to be with me today...in the now. Years ago, I had a dream where he came to me and said, “There is no time between us.”  That is because He lives above time.  Only I am limited by it.  He is not.  He provided for this moment in my life no matter what I am facing. He has been there to take the pain of it ahead of me and from me. What he did that day on the cross still stands, even in our blue jean world.

P.S. If you are in the area, the show is this Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Call me for tickets.      

Today I plan to go back to work...half a day.  I am having a massage this morning then to work I go.  I figure I can sit in a chair there and at least get credit for it.  I got out a little yesterday and sitting is fine...walking is the hard part.  I just get so weak so fast.  It is amazing to me how quickly little activity can bring a body down.  I realize that I am not in great health because of the chemo but still.  It makes me commit that once this is over, I am going to be active.  I can't afford not to!  Neither can any of you!  (That is a little plug for taking care of yourself.)