I had my CT scan.  All went well.  I only had to be stuck once…which is a tribute to the power of your prayers!  Any time I have an IV it is a trauma…not this time.  This scan is a baseline.  It is a comparison for future scans…that is all…they say.  I on the other hand have that hovering thought in my brain.  You know, the “what if.”  I am pushing it away because I won’t know the results of the scan until Monday of next week.  But that is a long time to push…  I won’t lie to you, I have anxiety about it.  I know what they say but they have said that every step of the way… “we don’t expect it to be anything, we don’t expect it to be outside the uterus, we don’t expect you will need chemo”…you get the idea.  So now the battle is in my head, yet again.  I am meditating on scripture that says “plans to prosper you and not harm you” and “he goes before you and will never leave you or forsake you.”  That puts the doubts and fears way back there…in the corner.  I wish I could say they are gone…but that wouldn’t be the transparent truth. His definition of prosper and harm are different than mine. So there are fears and hopes...side by side... you know me,  I am all about that transparency thing.  J 

There is power in the blood.  I now know exactly what that means.  I cannot believe the difference in how I feel.  I did not realize how bad I was doing until today.  I have pep in my step for the first time in months.  My eyes even look different…more sparkle.  I have color in my face again.  I cannot help but think of how blood touches and empowers my whole being.  I know I have written about this before but I think it is worth revisiting.

            Red blood cells supply your body with the oxygen it needs to function.  They deliver this much needed ingredient to every cell.  When your red count is as low as mine was, your body is being deprived of oxygen and therefore, you are weak and tired. Your heart pumps harder trying to meet the demand but there is not a supply…or rather there is nothing to deliver the supply.  It is not that I did not have oxygen, but that there were not enough blood cells to supply it to the body.  So, if I exerted any energy, my heart would pump furiously causing me to be out of breath most of the time.  Many times, I was light-headed and had the feeling of vertigo.  It was scary. 

            When my count went up and then back down, I decided (actually the doctor decided) on a transfusion.  When they transfuse you, it is not whole blood.  I guess they could if you needed it, but for me they only needed to add red cells.  My white cells are doing fine and back in normal range.  My platelets, on the other hand, are still dropping and I may have to have them transfused if they do not increase this week.  Saturday, I only got red cells.  These are the ones that carry oxygen. Once they had typed my blood, they hooked me up for a 5-hour transfusion of new life giving blood.  I had two units.  Because they pre-medicate you, to avoid any kind of allergic reaction, I slept through most everything.  When I woke up, I felt better almost immediately.  Today I feel as though I could fly.  I am sooooo much better.

            Now for the lesson of the blood. (You know I cannot pass up a great analogy 😉  Think of your heart as God the Father.  It pumps the blood and the oxygen through your body.  It is the source of life.  With every pump, it sends the blood, specifically the red blood cells, throughout your body.  You breathe in oxygen.  It goes into your lungs and into your blood stream.  The oxygen is the Holy Spirit.  Every cell desperately needs oxygen to function.  So the Holy Spirit flows but, it has no entrance into you without the red blood cells to transport it.  I bet you guessed it, the red blood cells are Jesus.  They make a way for the life giving oxygen to enter into the cells to bring the power of life to you.  So the whole circulatory system is a picture of the trinity and how it operates in our lives.  God keeps your spiritual heart beating, the Holy Spirit gives you breath, and Jesus’ blood transports the life giving forgiveness when you ask him. And just as red blood cells remove waste from our cells, he also removes the life-stealing sin from our lives. Life is upside down, you are experiencing vertigo until you ask him in. You do not really know how bad you feel and how weak you are until you get a transfusion of his blood, then you feel as if you could fly. You are clean and whole…the Holy Spirit rushes in and brings the breath of God’s love into every fiber of your being. How cool is that!  His blood sacrifice makes a way for us to live, he delivers the love that God pumps to us through the oxygen rich Holy Spirit. The bible says that all creation testifies of him…that includes our bodies.  He truly is everywhere. There is power in the blood.

I got my new blood today.  I already feel better.  I think a couple of days I will feel like a new person.  They are still watching my platelets closely since they are so low.  Hopefully they will come up by Monday...when I have to have another blood test.  I guess it will always be in flux for awhile depending on the ups and downs of my blood work.  When all is in the normal range then it will be a for sure upswing.  I do have a CT scan on Monday where they will have to give me an IV.  I do not look forward to that. The next week I go to the doc to hear what is in the scan...hopefully nothing.  Today was a step in the total healing process and I learned even more about blood...more later on that.

Bill's dad was just a few doors down from me today.  He was doing well...up and around and everything.  Then they gave him his first food in a few days and he threw it all up.  So he is back on IV.  Please pray for him to get stronger so he can go home.  All of us are tired of hospitals!

I give up.  After trying and trying to avoid a transfusion I have finally come to the place of having to have one.  The first time they mentioned one I cried.  The second time I said no thank you.  The third time I said give me one more chance to get my blood up.  This time I said let's get this over with.  It is cool how God uses every little thing to prepare you for what you are going to face.  I am tired of being tired.  A week of work and I am exhausted.  My blood went down this week instead of up.  I am back in the danger range so tonight I went to be typed.  Tomorrow at 9:00 I get hooked up to get more life.  It will take 5 hours.  They say I will feel better...I hope that is true. 

Today I had a pretty good day.  I am feeling more energetic, though I am still very far from normal I have a little more pep in my step.  I had my LAST shot today...and my LAST bloodwork...at least for this more aggressive phase of treatment.  I took little "going away" presents to all of my nurses and doctors.  I know that I will have more that has to be done over the next months but I wanted to mark the end of the weekly needle stickings! 

Bill's dad is doing well.  He had surgery yesterday for an intestinal blockage. I know he feels better now that it is gone.  You never know how much you take your digestive system for granted until it doesn't work!  He will be in the hospital until Sunday at least.  He has developed a cough and that hurts his abdomen...I can relate to that.  They are watching him closely and making him breathe in that tube and walk around to make sure his lungs are working properly.  Pray that healing will come fast and that there will be no complications from his heart or diabetes.

  I got home from work today…I am exhausted…and William asked to go to the funeral home.  It seems that one of his friends’ mother died.  I came to find out that this woman is one of the soccer moms I have been sitting with at soccer games for years.  Her son and Peter are on the same team.  Her daughter and William are the same age and they sit together at the games as well. 

She died of cancer.  She was diagnosed Dec. 4^th.  Wow…that is way to close for comfort.  I went to the funeral home…I know that probably wasn’t the wisest thing I have done, but William was sincere in his wish to support his friend.  I wanted to honor that.  Bill took the other kids on to church and I went with William.

It was difficult to say the least.  Then they played a song she had written after she realized she was going to die.  It is called Why Not Live?  They had CD’s for sale to pay for her expenses…no insurance.  The song was playing as the kids arrived and I lost it.  Watching her kids weep and knowing that could easily have been mine was more than I could take. 

There were many people from the community there, dedicated teachers that I know that came to support the kids…their students.  All of us were talking.  Many asked how I was doing.  I was happy to give a good report.  Others asked for the specifics of my journey and I shared them. 

When I heard that song I recognized it…because I have lived it.   The whole scene was somehow surreal to me.  All the chit-chat about nothing much as life went on.  The reality of my past few months seemed in my face, but no one seemed to notice.  It was as if they didn’t really want to hear my answers but felt obligated to ask the questions.  After the first couple of times I saw eyes glaze over after my first couple of statements and realized that surface level, “I am doing good” was all I needed to say.  There was one friend there that thought to ask, “How are you holding up through this?”  The tears came then.  It is hard to watch death up close.  But most of all the song got to me…in a good way.  It sounds a lot like my new motto…live fully.  I understood what she was saying to all of us in the room.  I am not sure it was more than a “sweet song” to many that were there.  But for me, it was full of an important message crying out from the grave…

 

Why Not Live

I hit an oil slick the other day, my feet started sliding

and I couldn’t stay in the place that I had been so many years. 

Why? why? Why? was all I could say,

 I remember when my baby asked me

 every day, every minute, every hour, all the time.

And I said       Why not? 

that’s what came to me.

Love my loved ones furiously,

Live each moment as if were your last,

Because the road that we’re on takes so many turns,

and the pain of this life causes many yearns  

We won’t always know the reasons why

We don’t always get to say good byes,

 It’s for certain were all gonna to die. So why not live?

Why not live and give, all you have to give?

Why not cry and sob, till all the tears are gone?

Why not laugh till it hurts and your smile is frozen on?

Just remember to receive all the love

God’s inside us all and not just up above

Why not live? why not sob? why not laugh?… it goes too fast

When you want to ask the question why,

If you’ve got the choice to live or die,

You don’t need to know the reasons why,

Why not live?  Why not live? Why not live?

  

Written by Sue Saunders, who believed in laughing loud and living fully.

   

Today was a better day.  Emotionally I felt better and my lessons went well.  There is still tension at work but today it didn't get me like yesterday.  I am not in charge of the world...I know you are all glad to hear that one!  I can only do what I can do.  I know that in my head but my heart struggles with it sometimes.  I always think there should be more I can do.  I came home today for a nap and that always helps to put perspective on things.  God is still in control of my activities and he knows exactly what I need.  He will show me how to use my new outlook on life without overstepping.  Live fully...without killing yourself. 

My father-in-law is in the hospital.  He was having severe abdominal pain...I feel for him.  They don't know why but they think it is an obstruction.  They are doing more tests to determine if he needs surgery or not.  The tests they have run so far don't show them much.  Please pray for him and for my mom-in-love too.  We are all tired of the hosptial waiting room.

Back to work...I was excited to get back.  I love my job.  I love the kids and I love to teach.  None of that has changed but somehow things are different.  I guess it is the past 6 months catching up with me.  I feel like I stepped into a pressure cooker.  The big test is just a few weeks away and the count down has started.  The amount of work I have to do with the kids that I have is enormous.  I will not be able to do it all...and that is a normal part of being a teacher.  The job is never done.  It is frustrating to say the least.  The stress is high and nerves are frayed among my co-workers because the stress is high. But for me, things have changed...I am not sure the stress is worth it anymore.  Facing death has a way of re-arranging priorities.  I am hoping that I can make the adjustments for my job...cut the pressure somehow before it cuts me.  My personality is such that it is hard, when I am in the middle of it all, to think of anything but what I am doing or as is the case right now, not doing.  It is so easy for me jump in and try to save the world.

I had yet another blood test today.  My counts are all up except for my platelets which are dropping.  The good news is that my red count went from the danger range to the low range.  My white count is in the normal range...back to work I go.  My platelets are expected to go up without any intervention so I am on my way...  I can go back tomorrow in the classroom.  My down days are over!!

Here we go again...just when I thought I was through.  My counts are lower this time than last.  They called and wanted to put me in the hospital for a transfusion.  I talked them into waiting because my symptoms aren't as bad as last time.  They gave me until Sunday to get my counts up...if they aren't up by then I will be having a transfusion on Monday.  The good news is that a transfusion doesn't delay work as I had previously thought.  I can work on Tuesday if I have to have one on Monday.  In fact, she said that I would probably feel better because the blood I would get would have normal counts.  It will take my blood awhile to get back to normal counts...so if I have to have it, I will do it and be blood healthy to go back to work.  I did go in today...I have been feeling okay so I went in and worked all day.  I started to get excited to get back with kids.  I have my plans and can't wait to get back at it.  I hope I will be able to go...Bill probably will not let me out of the house the rest of the weekend so that I will have a good report on Sunday.