I have a cold.  It is small but it is zapping my energy.  I have been using Airbornne 3 or 4 times a day and I think it is working.  I don't really feel all that bad...minor sore throat, small cough but all in all I am okay.  I have rested this weekend and I think that is a big help as well.  So far I don't feel like I need to see a doctor...Bill is watching me closely however.  I am mainly tired because of it.  It is amazing how this Airbornne helps though.  I could be a spokesperson!  Back to school tomorrow...we will see how I do while working...

Beauty is skin deep…or so the world tells us.  We live in a society that measures your worth on what dress size you wear.  And as much as I know that I am not measured by what I look like it still affects me.  I am not sure why that is.  I know in my heart that I am beautiful…that my outside does not determine my value.  The bible says that I capture his heart with one glance of my eyes.  Just looking in his direction makes him love me more.  It also says that I am the apple of his eye.  I don’t know what could be more clear.  Yet, I look in that mirror and I don’t like what I see. 

The weight has been an issue for many years and now I am bald, have no eyelashes and my eyebrows are drawn on with a pencil.  Last week, Bill took me shopping for new clothes.  He said I needed some new things to make me feel beautiful.  I fought it because I did not want to face the mirror.  He insisted.  I burst into tears the first round in the dressing room. I refused to go back for more.  He insisted.  I melted down right there in the store.  I am sure the sales woman was concerned for me as Bill held me, told me I was beautiful, and said to go back in there.  It took about three more times of this before I finally resigned myself to get it over with.  I honestly think I realized that Bill would not let me leave the store without at least one beautiful outfit even if I had to try on everything they had. 

He had to give me several pep talks and emphasize that I was looking at things all wrong.  My “Frankenstein stomach” he said is a sign of victory.  My body that is so different is what has made my spirit so much more beautiful.  As I tried to listen to his words, I was struck with how hard it is to hear God’s voice in the matter of beauty.  He says that he is enthralled by your beauty…Ps. 45:11  How beautiful you are my darling, oh how beautiful your eyes are doves…Turn your eyes from me; they overwhelm me…Song of Solomon.    The entire book of Song of Solomon gives us a very detailed picture of the love he has for us as the bride and yet we let magazines steal that view from us. The scripture is so clear throughout that beauty is not outward adornment but a beauty of the heart. 

The question the Lord asked me was “Who do I say that you are?”  My husband answered that question when I could not. Cancer tried to steal my view of my body…which wasn’t good to begin with.  It made it somehow harder to look in that mirror. Bill made me face my perception of myself and align it with what God says about me.  I am grateful for that.  I had to face the mirror…of God’s word.  I discovered that I am more beautiful than ever.

There was a mix up last week...since I missed my doctors appointment.  When Bill was at the right place and I was at the wrong one, he asked about my blood work.  They said things were still low but climbing and that I didn't need any shots or more blood to be drawn.   Then the next day the chemo lab called and said that I needed another CBC to watch my platelets.  I had that done yesterday.  Today they called and said that my platelets are up to 77.000.  That is a big jump from the 21,000 they were...so that part is good.  My red count however, is not as high as they would like, even though I had a transfusion.  She told me today that I should have had my red count shot this week.  She didn't realize they had told me not to and assumed that I had it on schedule.  All of that to say that I have to go next week...on my make up appointment...and have bloodwork and another shot.  I am disappointed but not crushed about this.  I kind of thought that I should still be having them until I am in normal range.  I don't like the way the shot makes me feel but I would rather have it than go back to how I was feeling before my transfusion. 

I am off now to have a date with my husband in the outfit he bought me last night....

My diabetes doctor visit went well today.  She is going to keep an eye on my diet...she is sending me to someone to help me out with my foods.  She is also checking my thyroid etc...  The lab lady got blood on the first try.  She didn't have any personality.  You know that when Bill can't get someone to talk or laugh it is bad.  She stuck me hard and deep but she got all she needed so I am not complaining. 

After we got a bite to eat Bill took me to get a new outfit.  We are going to a Valentines dinner the church is sponsoring.  He has to wear his tux because he is playing.  So he took me to find something new and pretty.  While we were there he also bought me a few new work outfits as well.  He knows that I need new clothes, hate to shop and will not spend money on myself.  It was exhausting but I have some new things that are nice.  Bill was trying to perk me up and help me find some things I feel pretty in.  It was very sweet and he was very patient with me.  Tomorrow night we will be stepping out and looking good.

There is some confusion as to my blood counts.  It seems that the doctors office (the one I didn't make it to) says that I don't need bloodwork this week.  Then I got a call from the chemo lab that says I do.  My platelets are still low but they ARE climbing...that is a very good thing.  My red count is still a little low...not as bad as before the transfusion...but they ARE climbing.  I just happen to have an appointment with my endocrinologist (sp???) tomorrow, so they can do their own bloodwork and then do the one for my onocolgist as well.  I am in transition between phases of treatment.  I am excited about the endocrinologist because she can help me regulate my blood sugar, hormones, thyroid and just about anything else I might need.  I look at it like having a tune up...I will be running smooth once I get everything regulated....then there will be no stopping...unless I want to.

Looking out over the snow covered ground, it is easy to see why the hymns talk of being “washed whiter than snow.”  The glistening blanket is smooth and clean.  It is as if peace came and covered the earth.  To look at it before car tracks and snowmen, a quiet calm begs not to be disturbed.  It is even more spectacular when flakes continue to fall and build the depth.  Trees have clumps that resemble white nests in every bough.  And you have to ask how could this wonderland be created in just a few hours?  It is a marvel to watch.  I am in awe every time. 

I have to wonder what is going on under this icy chill.  It would seem to me that it would kill everything, but it is quite the opposite.  Down under the cold ground, life is thriving.  It has pulled within itself to glean nutrients from the soil.  The snow actually helps nurture the plants that are anxiously waiting for spring to make an appearance.  It may not be evident to the eyes, but do not let that fool you.  The winter is a time to dig deeper, for roots to solidify. Seeds must first fall to the ground and die before they can sprout. 

It is the same with life.  There are seasons of “winter” and they require us to pull back and dig deep.  It may seem that all life is gone on the surface but in the heart, the seed has died only to be resurrected.  It now absorbs the nutrients that God pours out.  When the spring season comes, life will come bursting forth from places that appeared dead just days ago. Kind of like a tomb…sound familiar? Winter is a season of preparation that leads to a season of fruit.  As cold and hard as winter is, it can be critical to growth.

I am in a winter season.  I have pulled back and I am trying to allow God to nurture me…feed me.  I am digging my roots deeper.  I am preparing for a season of fruit bearing.  Soon, the growth will burst forth, (my hair first I hope) and it will be apparent that God has been working behind the scenes for these past months with his resurrection power. The seed that was planted deep in my heart will bud and blossom…all because of the winter.

I messed up.  Today I had a doctors appointment.  It was with my oncologist.  He was supposed to go over all of my test results and let me know where we go from here.  I arrived at my scheduled time and noticed that there were not many people waiting...unheard of for this doctor.  Wow how lucky am I?  I thought.  Then Bill called to ask where I was I said, "I am at the doctors office where are you?"  He said, "At the doctors office...in Lawrenceville waiting on you."  You probably figured it out already...I went to the wrong office...in Gainesville.  It was not a good thing to have my husband and doctor in one office and me in another. 

I was so disappointed that I had messed things up so badly.  I really wanted to have this appointment to hear what he had to say.  I have messed up like this several times lately...  Forgetting appointments, messing up on times and schedules.  They say chemo causes memory loss...Bill says it is overload from all I have been through and trying to get back into the swing.  I don't know which is right.  All I know is that I was embarassed and upset today.  Juggling things is what I do... I am good at it...usually. I am trying to learn how to be, now that I am not me exactly.  It is like I am turning into Bill!  All joking aside, it is frustrating to say the least.  I know healing will come and I will get back to "normal" whatever that is.  But in the meantime, I am discovering that things are different for me in ways I hadn't even realized.

This was written Feb. 2nd...but for some reason it didn't post correctly.

 On this night nineteen years ago, I was sitting in a hospital praying that my husband would live.  For those of you that don’t know Bill was in a terrible car accident and had a brain injury.  It was a long, difficult time for us.  It deepened our relationship with each other. (eventually...after he came back from la la land  J)  It is when I found out how close you can get to God…when he is all you have to hold on to.             We celebrate this day every year.  I know to some it sounds morbid or weird to celebrate a car accident but I don’t see it that way.  In Deuteronomy, it says that the children of Israel were told by God to make a memorial when they crossed the sea.  They built stone memorials to mark the great things God had done for them…so they could tell their children.  It was a way to remember.  Each time they passed a memorial, they would tell the story again of God’s faithfulness.  Each year we pass this memorial, and we tell our children how God saved their father and made him whole again.  At our house, it is called Daddy’s Alive Day.              Tonight we discussed the horror of the day.  The first moments at the hospital and the months in rehab.  We always like to talk about the crazy and funny things he said and did during that time…it wasn’t funny then, but now the fact that he thought he won the super bowl is hilarious. It is these moments that show our kids the faithfulness of God.  How he sustained us.  They get to see how he made the impossible…possible.  They get to see a miracle, in the life of their father. Next year, we will have a Mommy’s Alive Day.  We haven’t decided which day we are going to mark as our memorial day yet.  Last chemo, Jan. 2 sounds good to me…but we decided it needs to be more separate from New Years to make it special. When is not important but we will build a memorial…and we will remember.  God is faithful!

 

We have had two snow days…we got around 4 1/2 inches.  Buses can’t run in that kind of snow on the backroads around here.  So we get a holiday...or two. 

I love the fresh blanket of white.  It is so clean and crisp…and fun!  To honor my new philosophy of life…live fully…I have been out with my kids playing.  We had a snowball fight, made a snowman, and went sledding down our big hill in the neighborhood.  I went sledding!  It was a blast even though it wore me out.  Then we made snow ice cream…yummy.  We built a fire and played board games.  We enjoyed life and each other.  It is not that we didn’t do these same exact things before, it’s just that now they have more meaning to me.  Instead of waiting for the kids to come in for cocoa, I jumped in there with them and we all came in together.  The small difference is a big difference!

The doctor called today.  I just got the message.  My CT scan was completely normal!  Tears of relief are running down my face.